July 31, 2008


Outlet Clothes Inc.
Store #742 - August staff meeting


- Folding with a purpose
- What not to do with coat hangers
- There's no such thing as a walking through the front door fee

August 8, 6:30 p.m.


The Dish Washers

"The country's oldest moble dish washing company."

- Drop-off and pick up guaranteed in 1 hour

- Delivery


Channel changer for hire

Experienced and dependable

Channels 1-35 $2 per station change
Channels 35 or higher $1

* Muting and volume control available

Joe 555-9995


Anything you need written, I'm your girl.

- Grocery lists
- Phone messages
- Checks

and more

Hannah 555-4004

July 30, 2008

For sale


A Lima Bean of their own
Field of Jeans
Dude, who shaved my Back Hair?

$5 each
Jenny 555-3219

For sale

House for sale

Beautiful, 3 BR dream home. Screened-in porch to give you a little time in case of bear/cougar attacks.

"What a great house this is. You should buy it."

-- current owner, Henry Jensen

Corgan Park

July 29, 2008

The Mossy People are here!

Derwood Village band is back with a brand-new album, "I'm in the Clothing Hamper".

"I think when all is said and done, people will look back on this time in music history and say, 'yeah, the Mossy People made a few albums and this was one of them. Man, that Von Shutsley could really sing.' But the music will last, you know? They'll listen to some of the songs and be immediately able to say 'that was a guitar' or 'listen, here comes the guitar again.'"

-- Von Shutsley, lead singer/rhythm spoons

Check out some of MP's newest hits:

I think we may have lost a Hub Cap
(Countin' on) Pigeon Folk
Yeah, but why can't we be hot air balloon enthusiasts?
Corn on the Cob Man

plus, the #1 International hit:

Bologna Boogie

Album in stores September 3


Adlai's Van & Limo Rentals
"Putting the Adlai in 'Adlai's Van & Limo Rentals' since early Sunday morning."

- Vans are "really groovy"
- Limos come in white, black, green and greenish-white
- Singing prohibited
- Mention this ad

Adlai's 555-7712

Orange peeler for hire

Tony Ranickio

* 20+ years of peeling experience
* Peeled for the United States team during the 2002 games
* Will save peel if requested

$12/hour 555-5549

Apartment for rent

2 BR
1/3 BATH

$650/month + utilities + cost of new kitchen

445 Main Street, NW Plumptin


A Novel Concept book club
Mid-August meeting

Books to discuss:

I'm OK, you're kind of a jerk sometimes - Valerie Persons
The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Sideburns - Chocolate House Publishing

August 15, 7:30 p.m.
Claire's house - 77 Minnley Avenue 555-4223

Fig Newton duty: Jerry

July 28, 2008


Friends of Ellis Franklin
Late-summer meeting


* What happened to Ellis' 1989 state championship football ring?
* Will Ellis renew his subscription to Sports Illustrated?
* Finding Ellis the right pet rabbit

August 27, 8:00 p.m. at Ben & Marylynn's condo

For sale

10-year old All-Star baseball team

This group was built to win a championship and these kids just choked. Plain and simple. I'm already looking for a new team and I want to unload these losers at any price.

Coach Pete 555-2490

1982 Dodge Dynasty LE

- White with rust racing stripes
- 342,000 miles

$140 or best offer
Bob 555-4421

July 27, 2008


Finnitauk Badgers Fantasy Baseball Camp - August 29-September 6

- Meet and play against Badgers legends such as Nander Blevinsteen, Max Naddinger, Tee-Tee Dannard and Kip Ike

- Play on historic Taco Bell Field

- Free hot dogs on the final day of camp


Bennett Marketing

Lasagna Auction

August 4 - Herbert Theatre

* Over 400 lasagnas to choose from

Come early for lasagna dinner. Auction begins 8:00 p.m.

446 McNankley Way

July 26, 2008

Casting call

The Jean Shorts Theater Company is holding auditions for our upcoming musical based on the life of Ben Keppinger, Who Threw That?

We're looking for men and women of all ages to audition for the following roles:

Young Ben
Young Shasta
One-eyed Larry
Evil Ben
Doctor Hannahan
The Stomach Monster
Wendell Clausen

* Also hiring Dave Coulier look-alikes

Auditions: July 27-August 1; 2:00 p.m.

Bring head shot and please wear shoes.

For sale


0 AC

* Brown
* Couple blueberry muffin stains on the windshield that won't come off
* Small boy, Charles Jr., free with purchase.

"The car for today, today."

-- anonymous

$340 or best offer
Chuck and Mindy 555-3395

Buy my numbers

I got 5, 17, 39, 45, 75, 76, 77 and many more!!

$2 a number; 10 for $17.50
Thomas 555-0110

July 25, 2008

Beer for sale

Jimmy's basement clearance event!

Bud Light 16 oz. cans: .45 each or 5 for $2
Mickeys bullets: .50 each
Ice House 12-pack 3.50

Henry (cell) 555-4447

July 24, 2008

For hire

Encyclopedia salesman for hire

I'll go door-to-door if you need me to. I can't promise I'll sell the entire 26-volume set, but I can sell 'J' and 'M' with no problem.


Little brother for sale


Age: 6

He always smells like throw up and he's always banging pots and pans on the floor and screaming. I think my mom wants to get rid of him because the other day he was on the front lawn in a cardboard box with a bunch of other kids from the neighborhood and the sign on the box said FREE.

I don't know, maybe you'd like a little brother. I sure don't.

Claire Simmons 555-8835

July 23, 2008

For sale

Discount salad

Ate a little of it yesterday, but it's still a good salad. Romaine lettuce; shredded carrots; cucumbers.

Dressings available:

- Italian
- Ranch
- Blue Cheese
- A&P Ranch

plastic fork: $.35

Linda 555-4087

July 22, 2008

For sale


Backup Point Guard (May, 1999; August, 1999; September, 1999)
Pencil Sharpener (September, 2005; October, 2005)
Button Pusher (January, 1998)

$4 each
Paul 555-8102

July 21, 2008

For sale

Peanut butter

Jar's nearly full


Pamela 555-8617




Trevor 555-6429

Closet-wide T-shirt sale!

$1 each:

- Right Said Fred 1989 European Tour
- Orange
- Blue and white stripe (horizontal)

And many more!

Martin 555-2450

July 20, 2008

For hire

Newspaper reader for hire

The internet age is upon us, people. Getting up each morning and reading the newspaper has become a painstaking process. That's where I come in. For a small fee, I'll show up each morning and read your newspaper to you. Cover to cover. What have you got to lose?

Other services offered:

- Crossword puzzle partial completion
- Rubber band disposal

Cedric  555-4494

July 19, 2008

For sale

Sports memorabilia

Dayne Jeffries autographed football
- personalized to "Ditty Bop"

1992 Mendley Generals
- signed baseball (w/ketchup stain)

Golf ball

Leonard 555-2727

July 17, 2008

For sale

A life

I'm tired of my life. If you haven't been out in a while; need a woman, give me a call. I've been seeing three different women at the same time (all under age 25). I'm a junior partner at McCalley & Brandenburg law firm. I drive a really expensive car and I whistle and honk my horn at attractive women I see on the sidewalks. I bench press 275 pounds and I won "Best Hair" during my senior year of high school (1995). My mother, Deloris, comes over a lot, but she has her own futon.

David 555-7273

July 16, 2008

For rent


2 BR

*Floors coming October, 2008

Shanticleer Terrace Apartments 555-4483

July 15, 2008



Summer 2008 meeting

* Hall of Fame nominations
* Why wasn't Ray All-District in football in 1987?
* Ray's new step-dad
* Unemployment update
* Is Ray moving to Nashville?

Slideshow: Hannah and Terry

Sunday, August 10 at 7:30 p.m.

July 14, 2008

For rent


1 BR
1/2 BATH


July 13, 2008


BEEFY'S Fast Food Hut
Staff meeting - Store #317

On the agenda-

* What not to do in the walk-in freezer
* Coming Clean with our facial hair: Whose got a beard and who's faking?
* Q&A - The dismissal of Robert Kepshire
* What happened to all of the mayonnaise?
* Why you can't bring your pet to work

Tuesday 8:00 p.m.

July 11, 2008

Clipboards for sale

Looking for clipboards?

I've got 23 Saunders-brand clipboards. Used only once for a talent show (July, 2003).

"The perfect accompaniment for paper or my name isn't Wayne Darlington."

$3 each

Wayne 555-8641

July 9, 2008


Need a plane ride somewhere?

I just bought an airplane and I've got no one to take anywhere. Plane is grayish-silver; seats 45 comfortably. Tremendous view.

No armadillos.


July 8, 2008


American Legion Post 717
Emergency meeting


7:00 p.m. Bingo/drinking contests (Quarterfinals)
7:40 p.m. Dinner
8:05 p.m. Drinking
8:45 p.m. Breather
9:00 p.m. Fussing and Griping 2008 (Brought to you by Popeyes)

July 12, 2:00 p.m.

July 7, 2008

Personal Ad of the Day

27, SWF

Searching for a man to help me take care of my kids--Darren, 12; Brendon, 10; Jennifer, 8; Marsha, 6; Harold Jr., 5; Hillary, 5; James, 3; Harold III, 2

Would love to meet a man named Harold.

Jeanette 555-7162

July 6, 2008

For rent


2 BR
1/2 BATH
1 UNCLE (Vito)

$320/month, bathroom mat included.

Tennager Falls apartment complex 555-0007

197 Brooben Street

9 BR



July 2, 2008

For sale


celery stalks $.75 each
radish .27
Ernie Jr. $70
baby carrots .07 each
steak knife (no handle) $1.00

Ernie 555-3719