Services

Need to knock on a door?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

VHS movies


The Greatest Hoagie Roll to Ever Mold
Scotch Tapes of Wrath
Desperately Seeking Dental Floss
Arm Rest of the Opera


$4 each
Gwen 555-6681

Meetings

Plumptin Referee's Association
Post-season meeting


Items to discuss:

* For next season, please put your microphone & belt on after your pants
* The following was called on three separate occasions in 2011 and is not a penalty: "illegal nose on the face"


December 30, 2:00 p.m. at PCRA headquarters

For sale

Santa beard

- White w/honey mustard dressing
- Used in the filming of the holiday reality TV show Help, I Married A Mall Santa!


$8
Chuck 555-7791


* Hurry, Trevor is interested

Events

Meet Barry!



January 4 from 1:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. in front of Pond 7

Public Service Announcement

Sofas shouldn't be caged



Help us free the Kaynesport couch hostages in time for next Christmas.


Call 555-3381 for more information

For sale

Discount Christmas items


* Photos of Santa Claus

- Asleep with ants crawling in his beard
- Santa vs. Grandma arm wrestling, semi finals (6 photos)

* Christmas DVD

- Waiter, There's An Elf Ear In My Soup: The Closing Of Shanahan's Bar & Grill

CD singles

- O' Holey Socks - The Pool Boys
- Whose Baby Daddy Is This? - Peggy Cliff All Stars


Call for pricing list
Harriet & Toby 555-4682

Events

It's the 27th annual Peggy Cliff holiday concert!

Get your tickets now:

Reserved seating: $75
Lettuce pit: $40
Wheelbarrow rentals (general admission): $5


Peggy will be singing all of her hits:

* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone"
* "Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)"
* "(Countin' On) Pigeon Folk"
* "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January"
* "There Used To Be A Bald Spot"
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy"


December 30, 7:00 p.m. at Plumptin Arena
Box office: 555-4493

For sale

Driveway

* Gravel
* Close proximity to the mailbox
* Starred in the 2007 film Snow Shoveling At Tiffany's


$600 for entire driveway
Tiffany 555-2866

Announcements

Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2011-2012 promotional calendar


January 7 - Couch Cushion Night
January 28 - Throw tangerines at the owner's son
February 4 - Bowl of oatmeal (first 5,000 fans)
February 6 - Window Night
March 11 - Stray cat (first 2,500 fans 14-under)
April 1 - Phonebook Day


For tickets, call 555-3301

For sale

Documentaries on DVD


* Gimme A Glass of Water (Forehead, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheater, 6/7/03)
* There's A Man Over There Screaming at an Oak Tree
* Earburgers: The Closing of Vinny's Fast Food Palace


$6 each
Giovante 555-2000

Meetings

Onion Rings Fast Food - Store #214
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting raisins as currency
* The drive-thru window does not double as a confessional booth
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of reaching for things, Debra Barone


Saturday at 10:30 a.m.

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Watch Me Eat Tree Branches - Final season
* Janitor Wives - Season 2
* Who Wants to Throw Lettuce at a Millionaire? - Season 1


$8 each
Wendy 555-2911

Item found

Snowman

We found him outside our apartment the other night; seems to be missing most of his face and perhaps some other accessories.

If he's yours, give us a call.

No reward money is necessary, but perhaps we could talk about an even trade for a snow shovel.


* Doesn't respond to Randal or James *


555-9188

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
Winter meeting


Books to discuss:

* What To Expect When You're Expecting Ear Hair - Ed. Simon Paul
* You Can't Take These Leaves With You - Barbara Sherner
* To Staple Things To A Mockingbird - Henry Raulston


December 21, 7:00 p.m. at Dale's house

For sale

Empty ketchup packet collection

* Over 500
* Comes with some free ketchup
* Interesting trades for unopened ketchup packets considered


Entire collection or individual packets available
Kent 555-6117

For rent

Protest signs


"Get your cat out of my mailbox!"
"Cooper High: give us back our cafeteria worker"!
"Guns don't kill people, drinking upholstery cleaner kills people"
"My shoulder hurts!"


Each sign $2/hour
Kathy 555-1081

For sale

Christmas lights




- One strand
- Comes with building & vintage hand truck
- Chair sold separately


$25
Rick 555-5853

* Hurry, many interested *

For sale

Ernie Malcolm autographed bread




$70
Dante 555-8810

Meetings

Soup Shack
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Hot dog bun soup has been taken off the menu
* Please stop accepting empty beer cans as currency


December 17, 10:00 a.m.

For sale

Green beans




$.40 each or all three for $1
Garrett 555-4182


** Hurry, Barry is interested **

Meetings

Kaynesport Church
Parish meeting


On the agenda:

* Despite what former organist Mitch Kershaw might've told you, our January 8 musical program will not be "all nude"
* We can not replace the holy water with spicy mustard
* Our Christmas Eve Santa vs. Jesus wrestling match has been postponed


December 22, 7:00 p.m.

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Get Me Out of this Washing Machine! - Season 4 (w/deleted scenes)

* Bag Boys: Sacramento

* Grandma Swap - Seasons 2 & 3
* My Feet Hurt! - Season 1


$7 each
Vanessa 555-3425

Events

The Plumptin County Festival is back!
February 3-5, 2012

"byOs: bring your OWN socks."


Musical acts scheduled to appear:

* Forehead
* Peanut Butter Face
* Acorn
* The Peggy Cliff All-Stars
* Behind the Refrigerator

Special events:

- Staple things to Lyle Peterson booth
- Coleslaw dunk tank
- Goldfish marriage ceremonies
- Penny-eating contest

Food:

* Yes


For tickets call the Plumptin County Fairgrounds - 555-6673

Services

Door-to-door door salesman

"Get the door, it's a door."


* Also available for sale:

- Other door-to-door door salesmen
- Copies of the best-selling book The Idiot's Guide To Knocking
- Lettuce doors

* I also starred in the hit play Door Bell Ring of a Salesman (Fall, 1991)


Pete 555-5733

For rent

Sock



* White
* One hole (right big toe if worn correctly)
* Starred in the award-winning play adaptation of the 2009 film Things We Lost In The Potato Salad


$1.50/hour
Bernie 555-9117

Meetings

Kaynesport Carolers
Emergency Meeting


On the agenda:

- "All I want removed for Christmas is my ex-husband's two front teeth" has been added to the set list
- There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for wine coolers


December 10, 9:00 a.m. at headquarters

Casting call

Feathers Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Desk Chair on the Roof


* Half-ear Earl
* Sawdust salesman Ronnie Clyde
* Sylvester the talking toothbrush of wisdom
* Lettuce Boy/Lettuce boy alter-ego Peyton Jones
* Sneezes the Clown
* Evil Janice
* Security guard, mud pit 3
* Beverly the break dancing zucchini


** We're also looking for actors to play the parts of David and Goliath, but in hippo costumes **


Auditions are December 11 from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. at Feathers Playhouse - 414 Ebeneezer Crossing, East Plumptin

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


SBM, age 32. I've got my ex-wife's name tattooed on my right arm. Her name is Bobby.

Looking for a woman, or man, named Bobby.

Charles box 40029


Former toupee model with the heart of a goldfish.

Marty box 20007



WOMEN SEEKING MEN


I've had several relationships end near the women's restroom at Bert's Buffet.

Looking for a man who doesn't work at Bert's Buffet.

Claire box 88117


Let's get together and start a family (of otters).

Vanessa box 90906


I need a ride to the hair salon.

Deidra box 66700



OTHER


Single, brown chocolate bar, Melting.

Randy box 51556

Public Service Announcement

Help prevent young bread rolls from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-5051 to find out how you can help

Apartment for rent

1/3 STUDIO
1 BATHROOM MIRROR
1/2 SINK

* Three eggs in refrigerator free with rental agreement
* Toilet removed August, 2011
* Apartment used in the filming of the 2008 documentary Here Comes The Exterminator


$105/month
Reggie 555-7363

Announcements

Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce
Prop bills to be voted on December 5

83 - Legality of deodorant on toast
106 - Separate but equal: living room furniture
180 - Wearing a poncho into the shower
247 - Eliminate the letter R from all restaurant menus
260 - Ban same-sex Christmas caroling


Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce - 425 Lyle Sherwood Lane, downtown

Personal ad

SGK, age 1. Looking for a companion; doesn't necessarily have to be a member of the grasshopper family, but must be cone-headed.

* Have my own place in a luxurious, downtown thicket
* Member of the acapella group Treble Cliffs


Cliff box 10277

For sale

Sneaker

* Left-footed
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Grocery Store Manager Wives


$4
Bernie 555-9117

Services

Joe Maglio robot assistants now available!


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Meetings

Friends of Mitch Richley
December meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Mitch's mother Harriet to her lip waxing January 3?
* Day of Many Mitches '12 Q&A
* FMR Flashback: February 11, 2008, the day we met Rich Mitchley


December 7, 6:00 p.m. at Trevor's house