December 31, 2011


Need to knock on a door?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 30, 2011

For sale

VHS movies

The Greatest Hoagie Roll to Ever Mold
Scotch Tapes of Wrath
Desperately Seeking Dental Floss
Arm Rest of the Opera

$4 each
Gwen 555-6681

December 29, 2011


Plumptin Referee's Association
Post-season meeting

Items to discuss:

* For next season, please put your microphone & belt on after your pants
* The following was called on three separate occasions in 2011 and is not a penalty: "illegal nose on the face"

December 30, 2:00 p.m. at PCRA headquarters

December 28, 2011

For sale

Santa beard

- White w/honey mustard dressing
- Used in the filming of the holiday reality TV show Help, I Married A Mall Santa!

Chuck 555-7791

* Hurry, Trevor is interested

December 27, 2011


Meet Barry!

January 4 from 1:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. in front of Pond 7

December 26, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Sofas shouldn't be caged

Help us free the Kaynesport couch hostages in time for next Christmas.

Call 555-3381 for more information

For sale

Discount Christmas items

* Photos of Santa Claus

- Asleep with ants crawling in his beard
- Santa vs. Grandma arm wrestling, semi finals (6 photos)

* Christmas DVD

- Waiter, There's An Elf Ear In My Soup: The Closing Of Shanahan's Bar & Grill

CD singles

- O' Holey Socks - The Pool Boys
- Whose Baby Daddy Is This? - Peggy Cliff All Stars

Call for pricing list
Harriet & Toby 555-4682

December 25, 2011


It's the 27th annual Peggy Cliff holiday concert!

Get your tickets now:

Reserved seating: $75
Lettuce pit: $40
Wheelbarrow rentals (general admission): $5

Peggy will be singing all of her hits:

* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone"
* "Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)"
* "(Countin' On) Pigeon Folk"
* "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January"
* "There Used To Be A Bald Spot"
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy"

December 30, 7:00 p.m. at Plumptin Arena
Box office: 555-4493

December 24, 2011

For sale


* Gravel
* Close proximity to the mailbox
* Starred in the 2007 film Snow Shoveling At Tiffany's

$600 for entire driveway
Tiffany 555-2866

December 23, 2011


Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2011-2012 promotional calendar

January 7 - Couch Cushion Night
January 28 - Throw tangerines at the owner's son
February 4 - Bowl of oatmeal (first 5,000 fans)
February 6 - Window Night
March 11 - Stray cat (first 2,500 fans 14-under)
April 1 - Phonebook Day

For tickets, call 555-3301

December 22, 2011

For sale

Documentaries on DVD

* Gimme A Glass of Water (Forehead, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheater, 6/7/03)
* There's A Man Over There Screaming at an Oak Tree
* Earburgers: The Closing of Vinny's Fast Food Palace

$6 each
Giovante 555-2000


Onion Rings Fast Food - Store #214
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting raisins as currency
* The drive-thru window does not double as a confessional booth
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of reaching for things, Debra Barone

Saturday at 10:30 a.m.

December 21, 2011

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Watch Me Eat Tree Branches - Final season
* Janitor Wives - Season 2
* Who Wants to Throw Lettuce at a Millionaire? - Season 1

$8 each
Wendy 555-2911

December 20, 2011

Item found


We found him outside our apartment the other night; seems to be missing most of his face and perhaps some other accessories.

If he's yours, give us a call.

No reward money is necessary, but perhaps we could talk about an even trade for a snow shovel.

* Doesn't respond to Randal or James *


December 19, 2011


What the Book? reading group
Winter meeting

Books to discuss:

* What To Expect When You're Expecting Ear Hair - Ed. Simon Paul
* You Can't Take These Leaves With You - Barbara Sherner
* To Staple Things To A Mockingbird - Henry Raulston

December 21, 7:00 p.m. at Dale's house

December 18, 2011

For sale

Empty ketchup packet collection

* Over 500
* Comes with some free ketchup
* Interesting trades for unopened ketchup packets considered

Entire collection or individual packets available
Kent 555-6117

December 17, 2011

For rent

Protest signs

"Get your cat out of my mailbox!"
"Cooper High: give us back our cafeteria worker"!
"Guns don't kill people, drinking upholstery cleaner kills people"
"My shoulder hurts!"

Each sign $2/hour
Kathy 555-1081

December 16, 2011

For sale

Christmas lights

- One strand
- Comes with building & vintage hand truck
- Chair sold separately

Rick 555-5853

* Hurry, many interested *

For sale

Ernie Malcolm autographed bread

Dante 555-8810

December 15, 2011


Soup Shack
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Hot dog bun soup has been taken off the menu
* Please stop accepting empty beer cans as currency

December 17, 10:00 a.m.

December 14, 2011

For sale

Green beans

$.40 each or all three for $1
Garrett 555-4182

** Hurry, Barry is interested **

December 13, 2011


Kaynesport Church
Parish meeting

On the agenda:

* Despite what former organist Mitch Kershaw might've told you, our January 8 musical program will not be "all nude"
* We can not replace the holy water with spicy mustard
* Our Christmas Eve Santa vs. Jesus wrestling match has been postponed

December 22, 7:00 p.m.

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Get Me Out of this Washing Machine! - Season 4 (w/deleted scenes)
* Bag Boys: Sacramento
* Grandma Swap - Seasons 2 & 3
* My Feet Hurt! - Season 1

$7 each
Vanessa 555-3425

December 12, 2011


The Plumptin County Festival is back!
February 3-5, 2012

"byOs: bring your OWN socks."

Musical acts scheduled to appear:

* Forehead
* Peanut Butter Face
* Acorn
* The Peggy Cliff All-Stars
* Behind the Refrigerator

Special events:

- Staple things to Lyle Peterson booth
- Coleslaw dunk tank
- Goldfish marriage ceremonies
- Penny-eating contest


* Yes

For tickets call the Plumptin County Fairgrounds - 555-6673

December 11, 2011


Door-to-door door salesman

"Get the door, it's a door."

* Also available for sale:

- Other door-to-door door salesmen
- Copies of the best-selling book The Idiot's Guide To Knocking
- Lettuce doors

* I also starred in the hit play Door Bell Ring of a Salesman (Fall, 1991)

Pete 555-5733

December 10, 2011

For rent


* White
* One hole (right big toe if worn correctly)
* Starred in the award-winning play adaptation of the 2009 film Things We Lost In The Potato Salad

Bernie 555-9117

December 9, 2011


Kaynesport Carolers
Emergency Meeting

On the agenda:

- "All I want removed for Christmas is my ex-husband's two front teeth" has been added to the set list
- There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for wine coolers

December 10, 9:00 a.m. at headquarters

December 8, 2011

Casting call

Feathers Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Desk Chair on the Roof

* Half-ear Earl
* Sawdust salesman Ronnie Clyde
* Sylvester the talking toothbrush of wisdom
* Lettuce Boy/Lettuce boy alter-ego Peyton Jones
* Sneezes the Clown
* Evil Janice
* Security guard, mud pit 3
* Beverly the break dancing zucchini

** We're also looking for actors to play the parts of David and Goliath, but in hippo costumes **

Auditions are December 11 from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. at Feathers Playhouse - 414 Ebeneezer Crossing, East Plumptin

December 7, 2011

Personal ads


SBM, age 32. I've got my ex-wife's name tattooed on my right arm. Her name is Bobby.

Looking for a woman, or man, named Bobby.

Charles box 40029

Former toupee model with the heart of a goldfish.

Marty box 20007


I've had several relationships end near the women's restroom at Bert's Buffet.

Looking for a man who doesn't work at Bert's Buffet.

Claire box 88117

Let's get together and start a family (of otters).

Vanessa box 90906

I need a ride to the hair salon.

Deidra box 66700


Single, brown chocolate bar, Melting.

Randy box 51556

December 6, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Help prevent young bread rolls from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-5051 to find out how you can help

December 5, 2011

Apartment for rent

1/2 SINK

* Three eggs in refrigerator free with rental agreement
* Toilet removed August, 2011
* Apartment used in the filming of the 2008 documentary Here Comes The Exterminator

Reggie 555-7363

December 4, 2011


Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce
Prop bills to be voted on December 5

83 - Legality of deodorant on toast
106 - Separate but equal: living room furniture
180 - Wearing a poncho into the shower
247 - Eliminate the letter R from all restaurant menus
260 - Ban same-sex Christmas caroling

Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce - 425 Lyle Sherwood Lane, downtown

December 3, 2011

Personal ad

SGK, age 1. Looking for a companion; doesn't necessarily have to be a member of the grasshopper family, but must be cone-headed.

* Have my own place in a luxurious, downtown thicket
* Member of the acapella group Treble Cliffs

Cliff box 10277

For sale


* Left-footed
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Grocery Store Manager Wives

Bernie 555-9117

December 2, 2011


Joe Maglio robot assistants now available!

Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 1, 2011


Friends of Mitch Richley
December meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Mitch's mother Harriet to her lip waxing January 3?
* Day of Many Mitches '12 Q&A
* FMR Flashback: February 11, 2008, the day we met Rich Mitchley

December 7, 6:00 p.m. at Trevor's house