April 30, 2012

Home for rent

1/7 BATH

* Used in the filming of the 2005 documentaries The Making of Melvin Cole's Acorn Helmet and Acorn Eating Contest
* Portions of roof rented separately
* Within minutes of pebble road 12
* Uncle Melvin free with six or twelve-month rental

Rick and Chelsey 555-4688

April 29, 2012


Psychiatrist for hire

* Bringing a snow shovel into the shower
* The voices inside your sandwich
* Excessive air toweling off
* "I'm nervous around lemonade"
* Shouting at houseplants
* Ketchup bottle tattoo regret

Call for rates and availability
Diane 555-6371

April 28, 2012


I'm looking to purchase one left-footed, black waiter shoe, preferably a size 10 in women's.

Willing to pay as much as $10 or the equivalent in linen.

Erin  555-4401

April 27, 2012


Hair net

* Missing since Sunday
* Last seen on the head of Maryanne Simmons
* Reward hair offered


April 26, 2012


Christmas tree

* Missing since December 22, 2011
* Used wrapping paper reward offered

Mick & Joanne  555-9945

April 25, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Save the oranges: help us keep the peels on.

Call 555-9448 to find out how you can help

April 24, 2012

For sale

Charge card bill

* Minimum $75 due by May 8

$110 or best offer
Greg 555-5708

April 23, 2012


Need car windows looked out of?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

April 22, 2012



* Missing since Thursday
* Last seen being rinsed under a bathroom sink and he's never been away from his cup holder, we're very worried
* Reward hair available

Chip & Marjorie  555-3377

April 21, 2012

For sale

Hamburger buns

- Used in the 2012 film Hamburger Bun Eating Contest 3

** Now just 34% moldy! **

Call for pricing list
Antwan 555-9443

April 20, 2012

For sale

Movies on DVD

* Throw Momma's Hip Medicine From The Train
* Mud People 3: Lost In Mud
* The Greatest Font To Ever Bold
* Indigestion Of A Salesman

$6 each
Rob 555-1888

April 19, 2012

Job Board

Employment opportunities

* Analyzing ice cube futures
Kaynesport Stock Exchange 555-6112

* Shampoo taste-testers wanted
Feathers Clinic 555-8985

* Door-to-door critics

- Hairstyle
- Wrist/ankle width
- Door-opening skills

Commission-based 555-3001

* Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #84
Now hiring:

- Back door lookout (morning shift)
- Napkins 2
- Assistant manager, pointing


* Derwood Playhouse

- Lasagna! - auditions May 6, 1:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
- Wheelbarrow on the Roof - need costume designers, stagehands


April 18, 2012

For sale


* Brown
* Missing most of belt, buckle
* Perfect for the pants wearer in your life

Lawrence 555-7552

April 17, 2012


East Kaynesport Falcons summer basketball
Team meeting

On the agenda:

* Put your underwear on before your shorts
* Your pet turtle is not allowed to sit on the bench
* Why only during practice can we use more than two basketball goals at a time

July 7, 1:00 p.m. at Nirquinn Arena

April 16, 2012


Kaynesport Buffaloes 8-under baseball
Post-season banquet

Schedule of events:

6:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by Kenny's mother, Alice (humming w/sparklers)
7:05 p.m. - Coach Denton: "Please return your hat to the bin."
7:30 p.m. - Dinner: applesauce and tap water
8:30 p.m. - Awards Show

To be given out:

* Greenest Bruise
* Worst Throw
* Most Awkward Older Brother
* 16th Man Award
* Worst odor
* Longest Cry
* Most Infield Dirt Eaten

10:00 p.m. - Begin security escorts to downstairs custodial closet
10:45 p.m. - Begin security escorts to parking lot

May 16 at Feathers Ballroom

April 15, 2012


Need a hat removed/new hat put on?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

April 14, 2012

For rent

Ant farm

* 73 ants still alive
* Part of 8th-place science fair project (January, 2012)

Eddie 555-3229

** Several dead ants available with rental agreement **

April 13, 2012

For sale

1/2 biscuit

* Hurry, many interested *

Hillary 555-7661

April 12, 2012


Henry Klepp

The founding member of the political activist groups S.O.C.A.F. (separation of cola and ant farm) and RCTN (Rodney, Cut Your Toe Nails!), Henry died doing what he loved: vacuuming the inside of his mailbox. In 1985, he opened a dresser drawer for under-privileged turtlenecks, and in 1997 successfully lobbied to have all of the roofs in his hometown of Plumptin removed. Played clarinet in the musical quartet Mashed Potato Face and the group played their final show in April, 1977 at a benefit to help raise awareness of mud.

Funeral services are set for Friday at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Amigo's for $1 tequila shot night.

April 11, 2012


Need Easter baskets eaten by a trained professional?

You've tried Joe Maglio, now try the best.

Janet Maglio  555-9995

April 10, 2012


I provide all kinds of odd jobs

- Goldfish tutor
- Insulting dining room furniture
- Snore critic
- Directions to the front lawn
- "I can fit an entire desk lamp in my mouth"
- Clapping Olympics coach
- Sandpaper eating contest judge
- Introducing grapes to other grapes

Call for rates
Danny 555-3400

April 9, 2012

For sale


* Green
* Comes in small, paper cup
* Was once part of a bottle used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Your Breath Stinks!

$6 or best offer
Diane 555-9669

April 8, 2012

For sale


* Some of the back of the set is missing, but still works fine
* Remote control, 11 corn chips free with purchase

$18 or best offer
Tia  555-2004

April 7, 2012

Child for sale

Age: 6

* Favorite game: sticking things in Grandpa Jim's nose, hiding in the nearby washing machine and waiting for him to sneeze them out and measuring distance of object traveled ("DOOTS")
* Received "Bloodiest Knee", and "Dad With the Worst Breath" awards at recent swim team banquet
* Pinches arm pits at a 2nd grade level
* Sleeps: in a shopping cart in the backyard

$85 or best offer
Rick & Tonya 555-4048

April 6, 2012


Taste-tester for hire

Need the following items tasted?

* Grandpa/grandma slippers
* Leaves
* Shampoo/other hair products
* Paintbrush bristles
* Puddle water
* Carpet
* Notebook paper

Joe Maglio 555-9995

April 5, 2012


Hinkle High School prom committee
Emergency meeting

On the agenda:

* Let's try to encourage the student body to not take literally the prom theme "I left my heart at Hinkle High"
* The prom king/queen rule book does not include a '10 pimples or less' clause
* Despite what former committee chairman, Mr. Paulsen may have promised, there won't be a cigarette machine in the ballroom

April 7, 4:00 p.m. in the media center

April 4, 2012


Kelly Dean's Jelly Beans
Grand opening!

New gourmet flavors:

* Avocado Avalanche
* Sandpaper Surprise
* Turkey Sandwich
* Flour Power
* Notebook Paper
* Brown Gravy
* Cow Breath
* Asparagus Mist

Kelly Dean's - 310 Litner Lane, Kaynesport

April 3, 2012


Ernie County Vipers Baseball
Additions to 2012 promotional calendar

May 22 - Kick Cabbage at the Owner's Cat
June 8 - Toast Day
June 20 - Toss Peanut Shells into the Bullpen
August 16 - Knee Brace (first 5,000 fans 50 and over)
August 17 - Cabinet Door Night

Tickets - 555-5981

April 2, 2012



* Black w/red flag
* Last seen holding mail on March 30 at about 1:30 p.m.
* Reward $$ offered

Katherine & Dedrick 555-4002

April 1, 2012


Advice lady for hire

* There's no reason to go hat shopping for a rhinoceros
* Don't wash your car with diet soda
* What not to scream during a baptismal ceremony
* You can't take a soup strainer to a gun fight
* "I got a tattoo of a burning couch on my back: what do I do next?"
* Don't make an egg salad sandwich out of a molehill
* Wearing a football helmet into the pool
* Don't pour sun tan lotion into your cereal

Call for rates and availability
Maureen 555-4221