November 30, 2013


I'm looking to purchase one left-footed roller skate, doesn't matter the color or size.

Willing to pay as much as $6 or the equivalent in cat litter.

Serious offers only.

Danny  555-0103

November 29, 2013


The Rondos
Post-Thanksgiving meeting

On the agenda:

* VHS copies of Grandma Ruth dropping the turkey on the front lawn and angrily kicking it all the way to the front door are on sale now. See Grandpa Wayne at the washing machine for more details.
* Countdown to Thanksgiving, 2014 begins April 7 at midnight
* Aunt Carla is still hiding underneath the car in the driveway

Today, 3:30 p.m. on the front porch

November 28, 2013

For sale

Video footage of my mailman dropping off/picking up mail available for a limited time.

* VHS copies only
* Used envelopes also available


November 27, 2013

For sale


Beth 555-5091

** Hurry, several dozen ants interested **

November 26, 2013

For hire

Off-season Easter Bunny for hire

* Available November through late-February
* Must provide ears. I have everything else.

Tim  555-4007

November 25, 2013

November 24, 2013


Stop & Stay Convenience Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Forcing the customers to jog around the building three times to receive their change was not on the training video
* The "too many cigars in my nose" joke at the cash register is no longer funny
* We do not have a give a penny take a frozen pizza tray

Tomorrow morning, 9:30 a.m.

November 23, 2013


21st annual Build Your Own Snowman Contest

Derwood Morris: 19th place

November 22, 2013

For sale

Little league baseball trophy

I'm trying to sell my son's baseball trophy. He won it for most-improved player (2012), but to be honest he regressed quite a bit this year.

I don't want him thinking a .253 average and 17 errors at shortstop is acceptable, so if interested, I'd also like to get a quick photograph of you holding the trophy for my son's stocking stuffer.

* Some sunflower seeds also available

Hank  555-9923

November 21, 2013


Evan & Rory Near The Movies
Friday show

Movies to discuss:

* The Water Fountain Of The Opera
* Things We Lost In The Salad Bar
* The Greatest T-Shirt To Ever Fold
* My Big Fat Greek Driving Instructor

November 22, 7:00 p.m. on WDERTV

November 20, 2013

For rent

Top of hamburger bun

* 100% bread
* Bottom of bun separate rental

Natalie 555-0111

November 19, 2013

For sale

2013 wall calendar

* 12 Months of Raisins
* Some of November & all of December still unwritten upon

Dale  555-9114

November 18, 2013


Looking to purchase several pounds of taco shells for a bed I want to make. I'm willing to pay upwards of $8/pound.

Lamar  555-1558

November 17, 2013


Need some From The Desk Of Joe Maglio stationery?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

November 16, 2013

November 15, 2013

For sale


* Seven available
* Free unwrapped cough drop with purchase

$.50 each or $3 for all seven
Abbie  555-3441

November 14, 2013

For rent

Leaf crown

Dwayne  555-6115

November 13, 2013

Help wanted

A fly got into my apartment recently and I need help getting it out.

[Last known photo. Taken Monday afternoon]

Patrice  555-0113

November 12, 2013

November 11, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* My Head Hurts! - final season
* Countdown To 8:30 p.m.: Seattle
* Watch Me Eat Pistachios - season 1 w/deleted scenes

$4 each
Dante  555-0788

November 10, 2013

For sale

Used car

* 210,000 miles, red
* Missing front passenger side seat, some of the roof
* About 1/2 of a sausage calzone somewhere in the back free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 1996 documentary When Harry Rented When Harry Met Sally

$275 or best offer
Harry  555-3244

November 9, 2013


Need sunglasses looked out of?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

November 8, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Support interracial umbrella relationships

November 12, vote "NO" on proposition 519

Other prop bills:

38: Ban the use of string instruments while showering
117: Legality of hair conditioner on bratwurst
56: Separate but equal: rain drops

November 7, 2013


We were both at the bank Tuesday morning and I was trying to see how many deposit slips I could fit in my mouth.

We made eye contact twice.

What color pen exploded and went all over my shirt?

Jacqueline  555-2281

November 6, 2013

For hire

Painters for hire

* Over 30 years of experience
* Must provide brushes, some paint

Pete's Paints

November 5, 2013


Clock Watcher's Society - Plumptin chapter
November meeting

On the agenda:

* Vacation schedule for Friday, November 8:

- Andrea 8:00 a.m. - 9:30 a.m.
- Bruce 1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.
- D'Andre 2:35 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.

* When is it going to be 6:15?

Tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. at headquarters

November 4, 2013


Need your grass cut?

Tired of the same, old lawnmowers?

Hire us, and we'll come and eat all of your grass.

Call for rates and availability
Vince & Son  555-6645

* Now also chewing up old driveway gravel *

November 3, 2013

November 2, 2013

Help wanted

I'm looking for someone who can teach my pet lizard sign language.

I've had him for three years and I don't think he's ever going to be able to speak. Willing to spend up to $15/hour for your services.

Please, serious offers only.

Trent  555-0114

November 1, 2013


Professional pointer for hire

"Give me something to point at."

* Over 15 years experience
* Once pointed at a corn crop for seven minutes, 40 seconds, (national record)
* Appeared as an extra on the infomercial Pointing Out Of Windows With Wendy

Call for prices and availability
Olivia  555-4778

** Coming winter, 2013: pointing at falling snow **