April 30, 2013

For sale

Empty mustard packet collection

* Over 400
* Comes with some free mustard


Entire collection or individual packets available
Dottie  555-6117

April 29, 2013

Services

Need baby photos of Joe Maglio?


Linda Maglio  555-7775

For sale

1/2 burrito



















* Comes with three napkins *


$9
Sarah  555-7997

April 28, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* How many corn chips are under the seats of my car?! - Season 6
* Grandpa Swap - Season 3
* Paper Boys: Kansas City
* Napping with the Stars - Complete series (w/extended scenes)


$7 each
Gavin  555-2020

April 27, 2013

Services

Professional paper clip taste-tester for hire

* Over 25 years of experience *

For limited time, also taste-testing:

* Envelopes
* Grandpa hair
* Mailbox flags
* Toll booth operators' fingers
* Mustard water
* Knobs on kitchen appliances


Call for rates and availability
Clyde  555-6888

April 26, 2013

Meetings

Clock Watcher's Society - Piso Valley chapter
Spring meeting


Items to discuss:

* What we liked/didn't like about 8:45 p.m. last Tuesday
* The pilot for our first original educational program The Minute Hand did not get picked up
* Vacation schedule, June 4: Marty 9:35 a.m.-11:10 a.m., Phyllis 11:25 a.m.-1:00 p.m.
* When is it going to be 11:05 a.m. again?


May 1 at headquarters

April 25, 2013

Opportunities

Kaynesport Community College
New summer classes offered soon!


* History of the Hat

- Pre-requisite: History of Hair

* Survey: Guys Named Drew

- Pre-requisite: Ladies Named Drew

* Corridors 101

- Pre-requisite: Honors High School Hallway

* Intro to Leaves

* How to Peel a Grapefruit

- Pre-requisite: Where Can I Buy a Grapefruit?


** Register today at 555-2391 and receive one free water fountain pass **

April 24, 2013

Meetings

Lavelle Rondo High School yearbook staff
April meeting

On the agenda:

* No matter how many photos they send, there's no such thing as the Beer Funneling Club
* "Worst Breath" is not a senior superlative


April 28, 3:45 p.m. in the media center

April 23, 2013

Services

Need pages turned?

Books

- $.50 per page (softcover)
- $.75 per page (hardcover)
- Magazines: $.35 per page

Carpet sample books

- $1 per turn (must provide ride to store)

Road atlas

- $7/half hour (includes 30-second back massage)


** Also, in lieu of payment, customers may also provide the equivalent in lettuce. Ask about our conversion rates. **


Joseph Maglio Jr.  555-9996

April 22, 2013

Public Service Announcement


















Each year, millions of slices of bread are separated from loved ones.

Help us reunite breads with their loaves.


Hotline: 555-4889

April 21, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Take My Nephew To The Orthodontist! - reunion show special
* Bike Helmet Swap - season 5
* The Real Fire Ant Hills Of Plumptin City Park - season 4
* At The Water Fountain With The Stars - final season w/deleted scenes


$5 each
Quentin  555-0032

April 20, 2013

Missing

Strawberry




















* Partially-eaten, missing since Thursday
* Doesn't respond to Lenny


Valarie & Tevin  555-4007

April 19, 2013

For sale

Spaghetti noodles

* 33 are cooked, 11 are uncooked


$.75 each or entire lot for $30
Marge  555-4449

April 18, 2013

Personal ad


Single, white email who lives in a two floral house with wall-to-wall armpit. I’m searching the lung fairs for a big, strongo hairball with the heart of a goalie. Must be widdling to carve out a living room together and maybe once to birp a children.

Two ears ago, I was Mary to a choirpracticer, who emptied my baking account and had phlegm in the middle of the night. (His stemson from a previous wetting, Pervis, was under my chair until he got up and moving to his Owen place, which he did.)


Mary  box 69912

April 17, 2013

April 16, 2013

Services

Sock-removal service

"I'll remove your sock in 30 seconds or less or my name isn't Trevor."


- Left foot: $3/sock
- Right foot: $2.50/sock

Spring, 2013 special

- Have three or more socks removed, get one hat removed FREE


Vince  555-4008

April 15, 2013

For sale

Used books


What To Expect When You're Expecting Mail - Ed. Bernice Clifford
The Girl With The Washing Machine Tattoo - Percy Vernon
Idiot's Guide To Ant Farms - Chocolate House Publishing


$6 each
Sarah 555-7722

April 14, 2013

For sale

Used car

* 290,000 miles
* Missing left passenger-side door, portions of the hood
* Plenty of sunflower seed shells under the driver seat


$140
Jimmy  555-7702

"If you owned this car, you'd be home by now."

- Jimmy

April 13, 2013

For sale

Un-cooked pasta























* 18 rotini noodles available & three pieces of spaghetti (not pictured) also available
* Ask about our layaway plan


$3 each or all 21 for $50
Kenneth & Evan  555-1003

April 12, 2013

Services

Need to know the temperature?


* 50 degrees or higher: $3
* 49 degrees or lower: $4.50


Joe Maglio  555-9995

April 11, 2013

For rent

Bed in one-room apartment

* Made entirely of leaves
* Just a four-second walk to the bathroom
* Free leaves with rental agreement


$8/night
Dwayne  555-1118

** Call now and get twig/branch pillow rental for just $3 **

April 10, 2013

For rent

Styrofoam peanuts























* 23 pieces 
* Rent entire lot for half-hour increments, or by the piece


Call for pricing list and availability
Roderick  555-4775

April 9, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* The Real Hornet Nests of the Kaynesport DMV - season 2
* Trying On Eyeglasses With The Stars - season 3
* Get My Grandpa Out Of The Bathtub! - season 1 w/deleted scenes


$3.75 each
Adrianna  555-6046

April 8, 2013

Item found

Bike pedal


















Found Saturday out in front of my house. It's hard when someone loses a bike pedal and he must be scared and alone without the other parts of the bike.

Didn't answer to Calvin.

If he belongs to you, give us a call.


Hal & Diane
555-8334

April 7, 2013

Disconnections

At a stop light the other day I asked several times if I could get in your car and if you'd like to have my gum because it had lost its flavor.

I noticed you weren't able to take your eyes off of me.

Which shoe, left or right, was I missing?


"Mystary man"  555-7259

April 6, 2013

Meetings

Kaynesport Astros adult league baseball
Pre-season team meeting


On the agenda:

* That's not what the baseline chalk is for
* Despite the rumors for opening day, coach McNichols will not be throwing out a ceremonial first watermelon
* Only one person at a time is allowed to bat


April 9, 2:30 p.m. at coach Paddock's apartment

April 5, 2013

For sale

Radish shooter

* Comes with four rounds of radishes and its own holster
* Used by Myron Sanders during his silver medal-winning performance at the 2006 Salads

** Free sports bottle of ranch dressing with purchase


$20
Patricia  555-4779

April 4, 2013

TV listings

WDER's new Thursday lineup

7:00 p.m. - Peggy & Chip Sing The Local News
8:00 p.m. - Do You Have More Head Lice Than A Third Grader?
8:30 p.m. - Reading Ketchup Ingredients With Terrell
9:00 p.m. - F.A.H. (Finding Acorns a Home) weekly meeting telecast
10:00 p.m. - Pointing At Gravel With Pavel


WDER

Kaynesport - channel 23
Ookamondo - channel 44
East Plumptin - channel 37

April 2, 2013

Services

Need directions to Joe Maglio's house?


Joe Maglio  555-9995


** Other Maglios: ask for pricing list

April 1, 2013

Help wanted

I need help paying my library fines.

* $12.50 owed
* I'm at the water fountain just outside the main lobby of the Kaynesport Public Library, wearing blue jeans and a red t-shirt. I'll be pretending to drink water, just tap me on the shoulder to get my attention.
* First person to answer this ad will receive one free I'VE GOT THE NEED, THE NEED FOR READ bookmark.


Kenny
555-8119 (if you're at the other water fountain and need to get in touch with me)