The former lead guitarist for The Mossy People will be autographing his new solo album, Corn on the Cob Man Revival, at the Midtown Beefy's Fast Food Hut from 1:00 p.m. - 3:30 p.m.
Midtown Beefy's FFH: 555-2345
September 30, 2008
Meet Carl Clepper, October 25!
The former lead guitarist for The Mossy People will be autographing his new solo album, Corn on the Cob Man Revival, at the Midtown Beefy's Fast Food Hut from 1:00 p.m. - 3:30 p.m.
Midtown Beefy's FFH: 555-2345
September 29, 2008
Nose pick Mondays
Jean shorts for sale
Bedroom-wide clearance. Find all of your jean short needs in one place.
Black - $7 each
Dark blue - $4 each
Yellow w/ NASCAR logo on backside - $25
Purple - $5 each or 3 for $10
White w/Fat Albert's head on left leg - $10
Light Blue w/six pockets - $3
Robbie 555-3221
September 28, 2008
Meetings posted
The Pet Store
October staff meeting
Items to discuss:
- How much bird seed eaten is too much bird seed eaten?
- The whereabouts of Molly the Ferret
October 4, 7:00 p.m.
Friends of Teresa Bailey
Emergency fall meeting
* Teresa's mother is in town: who's picking her up at the airport?
Thursday, October 9, 8:00 p.m.
Vanilla wafers: Gary
October staff meeting
Items to discuss:
- How much bird seed eaten is too much bird seed eaten?
- The whereabouts of Molly the Ferret
October 4, 7:00 p.m.
Friends of Teresa Bailey
Emergency fall meeting
* Teresa's mother is in town: who's picking her up at the airport?
Thursday, October 9, 8:00 p.m.
Vanilla wafers: Gary
September 27, 2008
Personal ads
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
I'll show you the world, or at least my little part of the world located in mom's attic. I like chicken noodle soup with Saltines-if you don't like it, there's the door! (I'll point to the door when the time is right).
Roderick box 11116
I want to no you.
Vince box 44001
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
My sister Hillary, "Miss Perfect", is getting married in March, 2009. I'd like to finally beat her at something, so I need to get married before she does. You can help make that happen. No half-thumbs.
Janet box 77991
I'll show you the world, or at least my little part of the world located in mom's attic. I like chicken noodle soup with Saltines-if you don't like it, there's the door! (I'll point to the door when the time is right).
Roderick box 11116
I want to no you.
Vince box 44001
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
My sister Hillary, "Miss Perfect", is getting married in March, 2009. I'd like to finally beat her at something, so I need to get married before she does. You can help make that happen. No half-thumbs.
Janet box 77991
September 26, 2008
Thoughts for sale
My thoughts just aren't selling like I thought they would. These are some of my more recent thoughts, now available at low, low prices.
- Sock puppet color scheme regret
- My hiring, firing, re-hiring and re-firing at Applebees
- My father's new girlfriend, Sharon's new chin
- What is he think he's doing?
- Dennis Haskins
- Interview with Kenny "Sky" Walker. We become friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment
$3 each
Danny 555-8108
- Sock puppet color scheme regret
- My hiring, firing, re-hiring and re-firing at Applebees
- My father's new girlfriend, Sharon's new chin
- What is he think he's doing?
- Dennis Haskins
- Interview with Kenny "Sky" Walker. We become friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment
$3 each
Danny 555-8108
Openings
Visit the world-famous Sammybee Park playground!
*Now with 17% less urine; 5% less poo
*Over 130,000 wood chips (most in North America)
*The Crush Monster has been removed
Grab the kids and come check out....
- Two new slides: "The Rotini" & "The A.C. Slater"
All-day passes
$55 adults
$47.50 children under 11
Sammybee P&R 555-6105
September 25, 2008
Obituaries
Carlton Henning
1852-2008
The old rascal finally died (wine cork overdose). Governor of Pierce City from 1917-1919; impeached April, 1919 for misappropriation of penguins. Sadly, never fulfilled his lifelong dream of becoming a lifelong dreamer. Survived by his step-son Elijah (131) and his wife, Mary (83).
Helen Farqua
1867-2008
Helen was married six times to four different men and one rhinoceros. Lived through the Refried Bean shortages of 1913 and 1926. Funeral services: October 2, 5:00 p.m., then it's off to Patty Q's for beer and wings.
1852-2008
The old rascal finally died (wine cork overdose). Governor of Pierce City from 1917-1919; impeached April, 1919 for misappropriation of penguins. Sadly, never fulfilled his lifelong dream of becoming a lifelong dreamer. Survived by his step-son Elijah (131) and his wife, Mary (83).
Helen Farqua
1867-2008
Helen was married six times to four different men and one rhinoceros. Lived through the Refried Bean shortages of 1913 and 1926. Funeral services: October 2, 5:00 p.m., then it's off to Patty Q's for beer and wings.
September 24, 2008
For rent
Umpires
Denny Winfield (45) and Olin Barker (41)
Both Winfield (left) and Barker are 15-year veterans of softball and baseball umpiring.
Strike calls-
Denny:Straaaaack!
Olin: Hike!
* Have both been told repeatedly to get a pair of glasses but they refuse
$75 for the pair/game
Bibblow County Umpires Association 555-7303
September 23, 2008
For rent
Mail box #1021
Previous owners:
- Todd Pelkey, actor, Who Wants to Glue Things to a Millionaire?
- Johnny "Midnight" Bainbridge, QB, Hancock High School Spartans (1999-2003)
- Dorothy Whitmore, actress, Housekeeper Swap
Rental prices
Per hour: $3
Week-to-week: $65 per week
Manny 555-0042
September 22, 2008
September 21, 2008
Meetings
A Novel Concept book club
October meeting
Books to discuss:
The Encyclopedia of Grass Stains - Chocolate House Publishing
The Art of Drooling - Juan Mendoza
Celery sticks/ranch dressing: Ben
October 2, 7:30 p.m.
October meeting
Books to discuss:
The Encyclopedia of Grass Stains - Chocolate House Publishing
The Art of Drooling - Juan Mendoza
Celery sticks/ranch dressing: Ben
October 2, 7:30 p.m.
September 20, 2008
For sale
Football memorabilia for sale
Store-wide sale!!
Don Tankowski, Kansas City Aeros autographed jersey - $45
Patch of grass from 1981 Blue Bonnet Bowl - $30
Boob Sanderson bobblehead doll - $5
Chin strap worn by Johnny Unitas, autographed by my neighbor's son, Henry - $700
Bags of sweat:
* 1977 Super Bowl commemorative duffle bag (2 1/2 lbs.) - $150
* Canadian Football League draft day door prize bag (1 lb.) - $70
Tom's Collectibles 555-0228
Store-wide sale!!
Don Tankowski, Kansas City Aeros autographed jersey - $45
Patch of grass from 1981 Blue Bonnet Bowl - $30
Boob Sanderson bobblehead doll - $5
Chin strap worn by Johnny Unitas, autographed by my neighbor's son, Henry - $700
Bags of sweat:
* 1977 Super Bowl commemorative duffle bag (2 1/2 lbs.) - $150
* Canadian Football League draft day door prize bag (1 lb.) - $70
Tom's Collectibles 555-0228
September 19, 2008
Meetings
Jasper High School marching band
Full-band meeting
On the agenda:
* Last Monday's trombone sword fights and why we now have to buy new trombones
* Where not to empty your spit valve
* The whereabouts of 2nd chair trumpet, Carl Danielson
Vegetable platters: french horns
September 28, 8:00 p.m.
Full-band meeting
On the agenda:
* Last Monday's trombone sword fights and why we now have to buy new trombones
* Where not to empty your spit valve
* The whereabouts of 2nd chair trumpet, Carl Danielson
Vegetable platters: french horns
September 28, 8:00 p.m.
For sale
Children
Brandon and Jessica, age 5
* Brandon is a poo-thrower
$75 each or 2 for $120
Kevin & Linda 555-7207
Brandon and Jessica, age 5
* Brandon is a poo-thrower
$75 each or 2 for $120
Kevin & Linda 555-7207
September 18, 2008
September 17, 2008
Thoughts for sale
I've got hundreds of thoughts going through my head and I'm tired of having to deal with all of them. For the month of September all of my thoughts are 75% off.
Some of my most popular:
- Where did I leave my favorite blue jacket with the picture of the motorcycle on the sleeve?
- My ex-girlfriend Mary: did she get the grocery bag full of rose petals I sent her?
- What is that on my leg?
- Slam dunking over Shaquille O'Neal. We become immediate friends and rent a condo together.
- I'm afraid of snakes so why do I now own three of them?
- Grapes
Make me an offer
Danny 555-8108
Some of my most popular:
- Where did I leave my favorite blue jacket with the picture of the motorcycle on the sleeve?
- My ex-girlfriend Mary: did she get the grocery bag full of rose petals I sent her?
- What is that on my leg?
- Slam dunking over Shaquille O'Neal. We become immediate friends and rent a condo together.
- I'm afraid of snakes so why do I now own three of them?
- Grapes
Make me an offer
Danny 555-8108
September 16, 2008
For sale
USED CARS
1998 Toyota Corolla
Blue with dried mustard racing stripes
- 85,000 miles
- Once belonged to Kirk Cameron impersonator, Harvey Klein
$500
Jimmy 555-7702
2001 Ford Explorer
Make me an offer
Jillian 555-4200
"The car of 2001, today."
- Jillian
1997 Mazda Miata
Fits 1/2 person comfortably
$400
Bernie 555-6116
1998 Toyota Corolla
Blue with dried mustard racing stripes
- 85,000 miles
- Once belonged to Kirk Cameron impersonator, Harvey Klein
$500
Jimmy 555-7702
2001 Ford Explorer
Make me an offer
Jillian 555-4200
"The car of 2001, today."
- Jillian
1997 Mazda Miata
Fits 1/2 person comfortably
$400
Bernie 555-6116
September 15, 2008
Services
The Expressions Store
Selling quality expressions and greetings since 2002
Waves
'Hello': $3
'Goodbye' (comes with a frown): $2
'Come on over here': $5
'Get out of here': $4
Sayings
'Good luck': $6
'Have a good day': $8
'See you later': $5
'Congratulations': $10
Other items
Thumbs up: $7 per thumb
Handshake: $2
Back slap: $4
High fives: 3 for $10
Hugs: $1
The Expressions Store - Highway 73, Nedding City
555-3993
Selling quality expressions and greetings since 2002
Waves
'Hello': $3
'Goodbye' (comes with a frown): $2
'Come on over here': $5
'Get out of here': $4
Sayings
'Good luck': $6
'Have a good day': $8
'See you later': $5
'Congratulations': $10
Other items
Thumbs up: $7 per thumb
Handshake: $2
Back slap: $4
High fives: 3 for $10
Hugs: $1
The Expressions Store - Highway 73, Nedding City
555-3993
September 14, 2008
TV listings
WHOO's new fall reality TV lineup is here!
Maintenance Man Swap
Make me a Turkey Sandwich!
FIX MY DOG! Chihuahua Boot Camp-Season 4
[All shows premier October 1]
Maintenance Man Swap
Make me a Turkey Sandwich!
FIX MY DOG! Chihuahua Boot Camp-Season 4
[All shows premier October 1]
September 13, 2008
Home for sale
Beautiful three-bedroom house with no recent fire ant problems.
Pool in backyard needs water; a lot of love.
Previous owners:
- Mario Lopez impersonator Lars Rio
- Former Ft. Lauderdale Aces quarterback Guy Nielson
- The Beegleberry twins
- Mario Lopez
**Tremendous view of next-door neighbor's house**
$85,000
Jerry and Cynthia 555-9931
Pool in backyard needs water; a lot of love.
Previous owners:
- Mario Lopez impersonator Lars Rio
- Former Ft. Lauderdale Aces quarterback Guy Nielson
- The Beegleberry twins
- Mario Lopez
**Tremendous view of next-door neighbor's house**
$85,000
Jerry and Cynthia 555-9931
September 12, 2008
Meetings
Hatterfield Gremlins semi-pro fall baseball
Pre-season meeting
Items to discuss:
- Why you have to wear a jock strap and pants
- The whereabouts of third-base coach Jimmy Tannen
- Part 4 of our strategy sessions: non-verbal signs
Gremlins Stadium, September 21 at 7:30 p.m.
Pre-season meeting
Items to discuss:
- Why you have to wear a jock strap and pants
- The whereabouts of third-base coach Jimmy Tannen
- Part 4 of our strategy sessions: non-verbal signs
Gremlins Stadium, September 21 at 7:30 p.m.
September 11, 2008
Morning personal ads
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
38, SWM. Big-time rocking chair enthusiast, but I've been looking for a woman who can teach me a thing or two about recliners, couches and other stationery living room furniture. Give me a call, I'm probably home.
Robert box 77981
Look, who are we kidding? I like you, you like me. Let's get passed all of the foreplay and get straight to the pudding pool in my backyard.
Teddy box 30350
SBM, age 41. I've invented several words over the years, including "shizabuck", "clammter" and "tywoo". I enjoy professional football and cucumber salads. Oh, and listening. I love to listen.
Brandon box 28881
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
31, SWF. Voted "Best Looking" by the senior class at Plainville High School (June, 1995).
Candice box 28746
38, SWM. Big-time rocking chair enthusiast, but I've been looking for a woman who can teach me a thing or two about recliners, couches and other stationery living room furniture. Give me a call, I'm probably home.
Robert box 77981
Look, who are we kidding? I like you, you like me. Let's get passed all of the foreplay and get straight to the pudding pool in my backyard.
Teddy box 30350
SBM, age 41. I've invented several words over the years, including "shizabuck", "clammter" and "tywoo". I enjoy professional football and cucumber salads. Oh, and listening. I love to listen.
Brandon box 28881
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
31, SWF. Voted "Best Looking" by the senior class at Plainville High School (June, 1995).
Candice box 28746
September 10, 2008
For sale
Bow ties
- orange
6 for $1
Salami w/spicy mustard
$1
The Bow Tie & Sandwich Shop 555-0210
Eyebrows
Me and my friend, Janet, made a bet. I lost. Now I've got a set of eyebrows just going to waste.
$4 for the pair
Andrea 555-4222
- orange
6 for $1
Salami w/spicy mustard
$1
The Bow Tie & Sandwich Shop 555-0210
Eyebrows
Me and my friend, Janet, made a bet. I lost. Now I've got a set of eyebrows just going to waste.
$4 for the pair
Andrea 555-4222
September 9, 2008
Tennis instructor for sale
Pete Flannery
Age: 36
Right-handed
Pete's a pretty good tennis instructor, but he plays too much air guitar with his racket and he doesn't believe in using a ball. It's just time for all of us to move on.
Comes with:
* His own fold-out clay court for "tennis on the go"
* More than a dozen ironed polo shirts
$200 or best offer
Midtown Tennis Club 555-8830
Age: 36
Right-handed
Pete's a pretty good tennis instructor, but he plays too much air guitar with his racket and he doesn't believe in using a ball. It's just time for all of us to move on.
Comes with:
* His own fold-out clay court for "tennis on the go"
* More than a dozen ironed polo shirts
$200 or best offer
Midtown Tennis Club 555-8830
For sale
Wife
Darlene: 42 years old; chubby
Loves Sour Cream and Onion anything and Ray Charles impersonators. President of the Dave Coulier Fan Club (Hannington City chapter).
$75
Chuck 555-6781
Darlene: 42 years old; chubby
Loves Sour Cream and Onion anything and Ray Charles impersonators. President of the Dave Coulier Fan Club (Hannington City chapter).
$75
Chuck 555-6781
September 8, 2008
Jasper City for sale!
We're selling the entire city during our late-summer and early-fall-everything must go sale!
Roads, bar stools, dirt, security guards, mailboxes, doors, knitting supplies, cats; you name it, it's all available for a limited time.
Week 1 Specials
* Buy three oak trees get the fourth free
* 2 for 1 grandparents (Saturdays only)
* Pork chops - $.79/pound WOW!
* Highway on-ramps only $99.95!
Sale starts September 12
Roads, bar stools, dirt, security guards, mailboxes, doors, knitting supplies, cats; you name it, it's all available for a limited time.
Week 1 Specials
* Buy three oak trees get the fourth free
* 2 for 1 grandparents (Saturdays only)
* Pork chops - $.79/pound WOW!
* Highway on-ramps only $99.95!
Sale starts September 12
For sale
Puppies
Five total, all brown with white spots. One puppy poops a lot; we call him Poops A. Lot, or "Pal". The others just follow Pal around and eat his poo/sniff his butt.
$200 for all five
Tammy and Jim 555-4410
Five total, all brown with white spots. One puppy poops a lot; we call him Poops A. Lot, or "Pal". The others just follow Pal around and eat his poo/sniff his butt.
$200 for all five
Tammy and Jim 555-4410
September 7, 2008
September 5, 2008
For sale
Buy my words
The following are available at discounted prices: 'Clubzic', 'Yanning', 'Doomb,' 'Dindier', 'Onch', 'Humbert', 'Chinway'.
$4 each
Vance 555-6459
The following are available at discounted prices: 'Clubzic', 'Yanning', 'Doomb,' 'Dindier', 'Onch', 'Humbert', 'Chinway'.
$4 each
Vance 555-6459
September 3, 2008
Home for sale
One-story mansion
- 1/2 BR/0 BATH
- Over 1,000 cans of soup come with house
* Once owned by world-famous bodybuilder/serial pincher Garret Pendelton
$750
Hansen Reality 555-6529
September 2, 2008
September 1, 2008
Meetings
Carterston Semi-Pro Football
Team meeting
On the agenda:
- What happened to the goal posts?
- Remembering Walter Piersall
- "You've got to wear a helmet" - Part 2
- Where not to put your cup and jock strap
September 2, 7:30 p.m. at fieldhouse
Team meeting
On the agenda:
- What happened to the goal posts?
- Remembering Walter Piersall
- "You've got to wear a helmet" - Part 2
- Where not to put your cup and jock strap
September 2, 7:30 p.m. at fieldhouse
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