Alden Scofield
1911-2010
Alden, the former mayor of the flower bed in his backyard, died of an apparent envelope overdose late Tuesday. Our beloved mosquito whisperer was one of the founding members of the political activist group S.M.M. (Separation of Mouse and Milkshake), and had a starring role in the 1963 play Expired License Plate of a Salesman. Funeral services set for Friday at 3:00 p.m., then it's off to Dumpy's for $3 pitcher night.
June 30, 2010
June 29, 2010
Home for rent
1 BOXSPRING
1/16 BATH
7 THUMBS
* Within minutes of gravel road 11
* Used in the filming of the 2009 movie Unibrow Camp 6
Open house - July 3 from 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.
175 Lentock Avenue, Kaynesport
June 28, 2010
For sale
Mustard water
* Fresh
* Well-known aphrodisiac
$7/gallon or $.25 for a drop on the tongue
Tommy 555-4669
* Fresh
* Well-known aphrodisiac
$7/gallon or $.25 for a drop on the tongue
Tommy 555-4669
June 27, 2010
For sale
Sideburns
* Brown
* Mustard clump in left sideburn free with purchase
$6 each or both for $10
Clem 555-1201
** Recently shaved **
"I won't sell you old sideburns, that's my guarantee."
- Clem
* Brown
* Mustard clump in left sideburn free with purchase
$6 each or both for $10
Clem 555-1201
** Recently shaved **
"I won't sell you old sideburns, that's my guarantee."
- Clem
June 26, 2010
June 25, 2010
Openings
Uncle Morris Movie Theatre
Grand opening!
Summer films:
That Guy Over There Is Actually Sam, I Am Dan
Desperately Seeking Breath Mints
Wasp Nests in the Outfield
Documentaries
Toenail Clipping: Interrupted
Renting Being John Malkovich
Uncle Morris - 400 Canifer Street, West Plumptin
Grand opening!
Summer films:
That Guy Over There Is Actually Sam, I Am Dan
Desperately Seeking Breath Mints
Wasp Nests in the Outfield
Documentaries
Toenail Clipping: Interrupted
Renting Being John Malkovich
Uncle Morris - 400 Canifer Street, West Plumptin
June 24, 2010
June 23, 2010
For sale
Envelope
* White
* Used once (birthday card from Uncle Ivan, April, 2010)
* Mailbox flag free with purchase
$2
Troy 555-2122
* White
* Used once (birthday card from Uncle Ivan, April, 2010)
* Mailbox flag free with purchase
$2
Troy 555-2122
TV Listings
Check out WDER'S new Wednesday lineup!
REALITY TV
So, You Think You Can Finish This Bowl Of Spaghetti? - 8:00 p.m.
Arnold is sent home after the judges catch him hiding spaghetti under his hat.
Hold Your Breath - 9:00 p.m.
The orange team holds their breath for nearly six minutes, breaking the record from season 3.
Bowling Wives - 10:00 p.m.
Cassandra spends all of Mike's Blast! Cola Open winnings on a new forehead, and a fist fight in lane six between the wives spills into lane seven, ruining Bruno's perfect game.
MOVIE NIGHT - 11:00 p.m.
How Father Ernie Got His Pews Back
6:20 a.m. - Recovering from the loss of a pistachio
REALITY TV
So, You Think You Can Finish This Bowl Of Spaghetti? - 8:00 p.m.
Arnold is sent home after the judges catch him hiding spaghetti under his hat.
Hold Your Breath - 9:00 p.m.
The orange team holds their breath for nearly six minutes, breaking the record from season 3.
Bowling Wives - 10:00 p.m.
Cassandra spends all of Mike's Blast! Cola Open winnings on a new forehead, and a fist fight in lane six between the wives spills into lane seven, ruining Bruno's perfect game.
MOVIE NIGHT - 11:00 p.m.
How Father Ernie Got His Pews Back
6:20 a.m. - Recovering from the loss of a pistachio
June 22, 2010
Meetings
Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #664
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* We do not soak the hamburger buns in lukewarm water
* Please stop accepting golf pencils as currency
* Our drive thru does not offer free toenail clipping
June 24, 3:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* We do not soak the hamburger buns in lukewarm water
* Please stop accepting golf pencils as currency
* Our drive thru does not offer free toenail clipping
June 24, 3:00 p.m.
June 21, 2010
Openings
The Pet Place
Grand re-opening
"We finally got the crocodile to leave, ya'll!"
All-new:
* Penguin obedience classes begin July 1
* Free caterpillar adoption Thursdays
* "Poopy Parlor" open ("Peepee Palace" coming September, 2010)
* Bird seed guns now available
The Pet Place - 450 Kaynesport-Plumptin Interchange, off Highway 32
Grand re-opening
"We finally got the crocodile to leave, ya'll!"
All-new:
* Penguin obedience classes begin July 1
* Free caterpillar adoption Thursdays
* "Poopy Parlor" open ("Peepee Palace" coming September, 2010)
* Bird seed guns now available
The Pet Place - 450 Kaynesport-Plumptin Interchange, off Highway 32
June 20, 2010
For sale
June car payment
* $187
* Was due June 2
* $25 late fee free with purchase
$190
Jake 555-2201
* $187
* Was due June 2
* $25 late fee free with purchase
$190
Jake 555-2201
June 19, 2010
For sale
Used video games
Shampoo Man
Apple Thief 2010
Flag Football: National Championship
Shampoo Man vs. Australia
$4 each
Kevin 555-4488
Shampoo Man
Apple Thief 2010
Flag Football: National Championship
Shampoo Man vs. Australia
$4 each
Kevin 555-4488
June 18, 2010
Home for rent
0 BR
6 BATH
* Within minutes of Dirt Road 7
* Half bottle of ketchup free with rental
* Used in the filming of the 2006 movie Armadillo Schoolhouse
7066 Berman Alley, Kaynesport
$85/month
Gary & Maureen 555-1616
June 17, 2010
Meetings
Pat's Pizza
June meeting
On the agenda:
* Please stop accepting photographs of dollar bills as currency
* The pine cone pizza is no longer on the menu
June 19, 12:00 p.m.
June meeting
On the agenda:
* Please stop accepting photographs of dollar bills as currency
* The pine cone pizza is no longer on the menu
June 19, 12:00 p.m.
June 16, 2010
June 15, 2010
For sale
Old domain names
www.kaynesportpossumsbaseball.com
www.allaboutmyshinsplints.blogspot.com
www.isthatkittypee.com
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/nerdydancing
www.firesaxophonistgary.net
www.celebrityanklesprains.blogspot.com
www.namesigavemydandruff.com
www.derwoodcollege/intercollegiateathletics_salamitoss
www.tonysivemet.net/tonyniprio
$8 each
Bobby 555-2323
www.kaynesportpossumsbaseball.com
www.allaboutmyshinsplints.blogspot.com
www.isthatkittypee.com
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/nerdydancing
www.firesaxophonistgary.net
www.celebrityanklesprains.blogspot.com
www.namesigavemydandruff.com
www.derwoodcollege/intercollegiateathletics_salamitoss
www.tonysivemet.net/tonyniprio
$8 each
Bobby 555-2323
June 14, 2010
Police report
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Keaton Vance
Age: 32
Pants: No
Sandwich in pocket: Chopped slippers with mayo
June 13 - Mr. Vance was arrested for impersonating a globe. Beverly Khan, the alleged victim, called the authorities saying Mr. Vance had become violent after she refused to point out Australia.
Previous arrests:
January 2, 2007 - Taken into police custody for failure to remove his stirrups, salami belt and watermelon helmet in a government building.
August 24, 2001 - Felony hiccup-and-run
November 16, 1999 - Found in possession of more than 500 caterpillar legs with intent to distribute
VANCE, KEATON
Bail: $9
For sale
RufusBreath-brand dog food
* Recommended by 1 out of 5 men named Doug
5 for $1 or all 44 for $6
Doug 555-1221
* Recommended by 1 out of 5 men named Doug
5 for $1 or all 44 for $6
Doug 555-1221
June 13, 2010
For sale
Arnold
* Bad cough
* Comes with several barbecue sauce stains
* Former hiccup salesman (1997-2003)
* Starred in the 2008 documentary Finding Arnold's Sneakers
$150 or best offer
Darlene 555-6761
* Bad cough
* Comes with several barbecue sauce stains
* Former hiccup salesman (1997-2003)
* Starred in the 2008 documentary Finding Arnold's Sneakers
$150 or best offer
Darlene 555-6761
June 12, 2010
June 11, 2010
For sale
Van
* 337,000 miles
* Brand-new windshield wipers
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Van Swap
* Dead mouse underneath passenger seat free with purchase
$750
Corey 555-8885
* 337,000 miles
* Brand-new windshield wipers
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Van Swap
* Dead mouse underneath passenger seat free with purchase
$750
Corey 555-8885
June 10, 2010
Services
Air vocal lessons available
* Professional air vocalist with over 20 years experience
* Free toupee-top concert at end of lessons
* Peanut shells accepted as currency
Call for rates
Clara 555-0091
* Professional air vocalist with over 20 years experience
* Free toupee-top concert at end of lessons
* Peanut shells accepted as currency
Call for rates
Clara 555-0091
Bobby Birthday T-Shirts Now Available™
DS, 2H, L, CSL, XCSL
$10
email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order
June 9, 2010
For sale
VHS
No Country for Old Yogurt
The Phantom of the Piano Recital
Leave Bill Alone
The Men who Stare at Ceiling Fans
$4 each
Cassandra 555-4636
No Country for Old Yogurt
The Phantom of the Piano Recital
Leave Bill Alone
The Men who Stare at Ceiling Fans
$4 each
Cassandra 555-4636
June 8, 2010
For sale
Costumes
* Lettuce Man (w/out ranch utility belt)
* Flying Potato
* Wendell (1970s version with edible bow tie)
$10 each
Also available: Colonel Hiccup nose warmers
25 for $1
Beth 555-1886
* Lettuce Man (w/out ranch utility belt)
* Flying Potato
* Wendell (1970s version with edible bow tie)
$10 each
Also available: Colonel Hiccup nose warmers
25 for $1
Beth 555-1886
June 7, 2010
Bathroom items for sale
Q-tip
* Used
* Comes with wax/blood combo (rare)
* Perfect for Q-tip sword fights
$5
Toilet paper roll
* Empty
$4
Hurry, Frank is interested
Evan 555-8760
June 6, 2010
Meetings
Overpay Grocery Store
Staff Meeting
Items to discuss:
* The customers are not allowed to trade elderly family members for produce
* Please stop accepting goldfish food from aisle 9 as currency
* We are no longer selling the following magazines: Emaciated Male, Hiccup Sports For Kids, Pinch & Flee
June 8, 10:00 a.m.
Staff Meeting
Items to discuss:
* The customers are not allowed to trade elderly family members for produce
* Please stop accepting goldfish food from aisle 9 as currency
* We are no longer selling the following magazines: Emaciated Male, Hiccup Sports For Kids, Pinch & Flee
June 8, 10:00 a.m.
June 5, 2010
Openings
Braybush Bank
Grand re-opening
"We got the rancid mayonnaise smell out, ya'll!"
Now with:
* Direct toenail deposit
* Wheelbarrow equity loans
* Free Grabbing & Hoarding savings accounts
** Raccoon-friendly **
Braybush Bank - 400 Peesley Circle, Kaynesport
Grand re-opening
"We got the rancid mayonnaise smell out, ya'll!"
Now with:
* Direct toenail deposit
* Wheelbarrow equity loans
* Free Grabbing & Hoarding savings accounts
** Raccoon-friendly **
Braybush Bank - 400 Peesley Circle, Kaynesport
June 4, 2010
June 3, 2010
For sale
Used books
War and Applesauce - Brevin Gallagher
My Talking Zucchini Fantasies - Beth Wheatford
The Encyclopedia of Misshapen Ice Cubes - Chocolate House Publishing
$6 each
Charlie 555-3005
War and Applesauce - Brevin Gallagher
My Talking Zucchini Fantasies - Beth Wheatford
The Encyclopedia of Misshapen Ice Cubes - Chocolate House Publishing
$6 each
Charlie 555-3005
June 2, 2010
For sale
Ernie
He was the best butterfly a boy could want, but that was a long time ago. Now he just sits there all day and we barely speak to each other. It's time for him to get a fresh start on life, and I need to come clean with him about the caterpillar I've been seeing.
$27 or best offer
Vance 555-2111
He was the best butterfly a boy could want, but that was a long time ago. Now he just sits there all day and we barely speak to each other. It's time for him to get a fresh start on life, and I need to come clean with him about the caterpillar I've been seeing.
$27 or best offer
Vance 555-2111
June 1, 2010
Services
Quintin, Brazzby & Herera Law Offices
* Possession of canary feathers with intent to distribute
* Sneeze and Run
* Misappropriation of giraffe ears
* Receiving stolen foreheads
* Impersonating an artichoke
Call for rates and availability
555-5719
* Possession of canary feathers with intent to distribute
* Sneeze and Run
* Misappropriation of giraffe ears
* Receiving stolen foreheads
* Impersonating an artichoke
Call for rates and availability
555-5719
Goldfish for sale
Bernie IV
* Acquired in a trade for a salamander (Ernie): January, 2008
* Deceased since 12:03 a.m.
$1
Tory 555-8228
* Acquired in a trade for a salamander (Ernie): January, 2008
* Deceased since 12:03 a.m.
$1
Tory 555-8228
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