April 30, 2009


Blaine, Erniger & Shonsen
Attorneys at Law

"It isn't what it is unless it has to be."

* Cabbage abuse
* Step-mother neglect
* Acorn profiling
* Wrongful envelope massaging
* HDUI (hand drying under the influence)
* Misappropriation of earthworms

Call 555-7551 for a free consultation

April 29, 2009

For sale

1992 Takanawa Coyote Z3

* Chopped liver sandwich somewhere in car
* Steering wheel stolen (July, 2004). Temporary wheel made of egg noodles and glue

$130 or best offer
Jeremiah  555-4410

April 28, 2009

New product

Try new Sizzle Energy Drink

* 20% more pencil shavings, 40% more giraffe fur
* Contains plenty of Vitamin 7 kids need to play video games

Get Sizzled in three different sizes:

- 36-OZ bottle
- 82-OZ bucket
- 135-OZ wheelbarrow

Pick up yours today!

April 27, 2009

Police report

Danny Jelks
Age: 32
Pants: yes

April 26: Arrested at a basketball game for refusing to take off his cat mask during the national anthem.

Previous arrests

November, 2004: Arrested for driving under the influence of peacock feathers, a class C misdemeanor in Juttle County.

May, 1999: Taken into custody for kidnapping a head of lettuce. After demanding $3 in ransom money, Mr. Jelks eventually surrendered to police, claiming it to be "a dark day for the crouton."

Bail: $25


Smile Time Chinese Restaurant
Grand re-opening - May 2

"Where the customer is always rice!"

New dinner specials:

Children Arm - $9.95
Smile Time Cakes - $4 each
Loaf of Dwayne - 1/2 pound loaf for $10
Orange Fun Cubes - $6 plate; $2.99 half plate
Spicy Flavor Stick - $3
Fried Eyebrow Platter - $4.99

* Trivia Fridays, featuring Bourbon Fred on the mic

* Hippopotamus-accessible

Smile Time Restaurant - 770 Oakdale Lane, Plumptin

Call 555-6662 for reservations/relationship advice


Jasper Franklin

Franklin helped form several protest groups, including the Mashed Potato Alliance (1957); Jaspers for Jesus (1971) and the Dylan County chapter of Whiners/Complainers (1988).

Helen Charles

Best-known for organizing the 1974 Johnny's Cafeteria swedish meatball sit-ins, Mrs. Charles died of an aluminum foil overdose. Had a short career in film, starring as Beatrice in the Operation: Boll Weevil trilogy. Married to the sea in 1945; divorced in 1953 after an argument over rip tides. Funeral services set for April 30, 5:30 p.m., then it's off to Fatty's for nickel beer night.

April 26, 2009

For sale


Soy Sauce Enthusiast (January, 2006; September, 2006)
Bumbling Doofus Monthly (April, 1994)
International Christine (Special October, 2004 issue: Christine Derner centerfold; January, 2005)

$8 each
Kelly 555-1009

April 25, 2009


The People in Julio Cabrera's Garage
May meeting

On the agenda:

- Whose half-eaten salami sandwich is by the drill bits?
- Former club president Daniel Lapinski's public nudity trial: Q&A
- Juliorama 2009: what went wrong
- June 6 day trip to the front lawn-still need deposits from Gary, Ian and Leanne

May 2, 7:00 p.m.

** Remember: if you know your pants are going to fall down, please wear a belt as well.

April 24, 2009

Home for sale

4 BR
1/2 BATH

All utilities included:

* Maple syrup dispenser
* Oven light
* Artificial cricket noise

The Girls of Mort's Worm & Tackle Shop 2003 calendar (missing July) - free with purchase

Debbie and Vincent 555-8183

Educational opportunities

Ernerdale College
Adult education courses now available

* Finding Guys Named Keith
Pre-requisite: Saying goodbye to Jeromes

* How to do a Chin-up

* Beginning Clock Radio

* Thawing Frozen Ground Beef
Pre-requisite: Where in the grocery store is the ground beef?

Courses begin May 15. Sign up today!
Registration hotline - 555-0016

April 23, 2009


Chi-Chi Mexican Restuarant - Store #110
May staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop talking to the customers about our microwaves
* Why we need you to wear underwear and pants, not just underwear
* The whereabouts of Captain Enchilada

May 1, 2:30 p.m.

April 22, 2009


Visit Lake Febbinshine

"The muddiest place on earth!"

* Two fishing docks where you can catch dozens of exotic fish, including:

- Detroit Bluefish
- Freshwater Nup
- Bandaidfish
- Rainbow Herman
- Newark Yellow Tail

* Wheelbarrow trails

* Hike Feathers Mountain
(Beware of Rory Vanderells, missing since July, 1988)

* Games for the whole family

Cantaloupe Toss
Ring Around Larry Meroni

** And coming to Lake Febbinshine in summer, 2009, a live taping of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Drown?!

Lake Febbinshine - 550 Lakeshore Avenue, Bronze City
Call 555-7661 for reservations

April 21, 2009


Personal assistant for hire

* Uncle retrieval
* Choosing the right asparagus
* Struggles with ear muffs
* Insect identification
* Eyebrow maintenance
* Hugs (*men only*)
* Elbow pad selection

Sandy 555-2491

April 20, 2009


The Museum of Partial Objects
Grand opening!

Spring/summer exhibits:

Right Nostrils of the Mediterranean (May 5 - June 25)
Some of the region's largest and smallest right nostrils on display, dating back to the 15th century.

Capolo's Door Knobs (June 26 - August 2)
The legendary crooner's collection of door knobs and handles, including the stretch limo trunk handle from his 1975 "Knee Deep in Spicy Mustard" tour.

Pieces of Andrew Fleming (August 3 - September 10) Exhibit includes the Italian painter's chipped teeth and rare severed thumb.

Also available for a limited time:

* Apple Core Mondays (Each Monday in June)

MOPO - 1570 Arthur Ewing Crossway, South Dylan

For sale

Refrigerator sale

* Salami slices - 5 for $2 or 10 for $3
* Birthday cake ("Happy Birthday De'Ondrae") - $2/piece
* Cup of chilled sideburns - $6
* Six-pack of Knee Bruise Ale - $7
* De'Ondrae's left index finger (rare) - $25

Janet 555-6456

April 19, 2009


Friends of Len Kesterson
Spring meeting

On the agenda:

* Len's new pet hamster, Art
* Who is driving Len's grandfather, Merle, to his pottery class graduation ceremony?
* F.O.L.K Flashback: November 11, 2004-the day we met Ken Lesterson

April 30, 7:00 p.m. at Nancy and Leslie's apartment

Bird for sale


Age: 5
Likes: worms; power lines; Cheetos
Dislikes: cats with nothing to lose

Brandon 555-8112

April 18, 2009

Thoughts for sale

Some of my oldest thoughts. Everything is 50% off

- I don't like the way that construction worker is holding that 'SLOW' sign
- Professor Quigly's ears
- I don't understand parsnips
- I no longer like the name Rory
- What is that red thing on my elbow?
- Bill Laimbeer and Otis Nixon in dresses, slow dancing at my high school prom

Make me an offer -
Kurt 555-0772

April 17, 2009


Silly Fanny Buffet
Grand opening!

Spring specials:

- Salt Packets of the World
- Misshapen fish - 10 pieces for just $9.95
- Hot dog bun free with purchase of hot dog


* Buy one middle school custodian get the second free
* Baby-changing station now inside the women's restroom!
* Silly Fanny t-shirts now available (made of 100% owl):

"I Slipped & Fell Into a Pool of Gravy at Silly Fanny"
"Someone Gave me Change at Silly Fanny"
"Feathers/Morris - 1989"

Silly Fanny Buffet - 620 Flat Island Lane, East Plumptin

April 16, 2009


Unibrow Man
aka "Niles Morwood"

* For inciting a refried bean riot, robbing the 14th St. Mustard Shop and for general mayhem and disorder.

If you have any information, please contact the Kaynesport Sheriff's Department

April 15, 2009

Pet personal ads


SC, age 4. I've got six-inch whiskers, ladies, and I poop anywhere I feel like it. My owner doesn't know what's going on.

Pepe box 75521


SWF, age 7. Shaved and looking for the same.

Tootsie box 11177

I'm 10-years old but I still know how to party.

Must be un-clipped.

Rufus box 43019


Parrot looking for something new. I'm getting tired of the same, old cage scene and these dry, wheat crackers. Call me.

Dexter box 81802

April 14, 2009

For sale


Now We're Blubbersizing! - Volume 3

Chicken Pox Tonight
Seaweedless in Seattle
The Eggplant and I

$6 each
Irene 555-3119

April 13, 2009

TV Listings

Feathers-TV Monday lineup!


Celebrity Green House - 8:00 p.m.
Ryan learns the hard way that protecting his quartertback is easier than protecting his marigolds from slugs.

Help, my son's a ballerina! - 9:00 p.m.
The Harrisons try to teach their son, Nathaniel, the Cabbage Patch.

Will you take my mom out on a date? - 10:00 p.m.
Lydia's fart ruins dinner with Maxwell. Plus: Jorge's mother wears her girdle outside of her pants, prematurely ending her miniature golf date.

NIGHT AT THE MOVIES - 11:00 p.m.

10,000 Leaves Under the Tree

5:50 a.m. - Building your fantasy paper football team


A Novel Concept book club
April meeting

Books to discuss:

* I had a long talk with myself and we're trying to work things out - Daryn Klein
* 101 Things to do with Curdled Milk - Henrietta Stephenson
* The Encyclopedia of Hooded Sweatshirts - Chocolate House Publishing

Frozen soy sauce pops: Jillian

April 17, 7:00 p.m. at Ben & Corinne's apartment

April 12, 2009

For sale


Shins (May, 2004; August, 2004)
Puppy Sneeze (February, 1991)
Hippo Worshipper (October, 2006; January, 2007)

$8 each
Murray 555-6301

April 11, 2009


Hector and the Centipedes

The Centipedes-Lazlo Berry (lead vocals); Hector Shoshane (lead guitar); Oz Corley (bass guitar) and Jimmy Wocka (drums)-broke up after more than 2,500 live shows and seven albums, including the multi platinum 2005 LP, Couch Crumbs. Played a 2002 concert in only ponchos and galoshes to help raise awareness of rain. 2008 inductees into the Zoomont County Hall of Fame.

April 10, 2009

For sale



- 7 HP
- Won 1989 Save the Sideburns Cup
- Second place in 1993 Kaynesport Regatta

$135 or best offer
Colton and Sara 555-4800

Free with purchase
* One child size Dribbledrobblers life jacket
* Charlie's pinky toe (underneath windshield)
* Two cans of Rory Light beer

April 9, 2009



"More than just a hotel; it's a way for lice"

- New ceilings made with 100% munster cheese
- Take a cool, refreshing shower in our Big Bucket of Water (w/powder soap dispenser in ceiling)
- Free Egg on a Stick breakfast
- Next to Beefy's Fast Food Hut, Tooth's Liquor Store and The Pants Palace

Call for rates and availability 555-7333


Exterminator for hire

"Was isn't it anymore"

We'll get rid of:

* Elbow hair
* Drawings of rabbits
* Guys named Chet
* 6th grade all-star baseball teams
* Uneaten water chestnuts
* Loose skin
* Rival exterminators

The X-Terminators 555-1381

April 8, 2009


Dottie and the Amphibians

Free concert in Featherwood Park
April 11, 8:00 p.m.

Special guest musicians: Lil Doo Doo, The Housing Project, Ernidor & Rory

* Octopus are prohibited in the park *

April 7, 2009


The People in Mary Leonard's Attic
Spring meeting

Items to discuss:

* Picking up the pieces: last week's fast-pitch softball loss to The People in Tim Crowley's Pantry
* Finding chaperones for our April 21 field trip to the backyard
* Mary's new chin/forehead

April 12, 7:00 p.m. at Gavin's town house

April 6, 2009

Letter from the editor

Dear readers,

Please stop mailing salamanders to our headquarters. The contest ended November, 2008.

Derwood Morris

April 5, 2009

For hire

Actor for hire

* 15 years experience *

- Played Johan on the hit TV series Life Without Socks
- Played George Washington in the 1988 Bainbridge Elementary School play Oh, Hello, Mr. President
- Can do a great sad face

Call for full list of credits and ankle shots
Rance Winfield 555-7919

April 4, 2009

Geese for sale

Ernie (6 years old) and Pops (3)

$25 each or both for $40

April 3, 2009

For sale

Freezer clearance sale

Purplish-brown goo on piece of cardboard - $9
Ice tray (14 full cubes) - $2
Possum steaks - 3 for $25

** April special**

* Piece of my roommate, Deron's ear (fight with Japanese film star Yao Sasaki; ear autographed by Sasaki) - $100

Gary 555-4011

April 2, 2009

Casting call

Gumdrop Theatre is holding auditions for our upcoming musical Look Out, Linda!

Looking for men and women of all ages and head sizes to try out for the following roles:

- Mrs. Donaldson
- Dream Rory
- Kent, the talking banana
- Young Linda
- Coach Mejia
- Reverend Donald "The Dream" O'Riley
- Evil Corinne
- Tommy (the rhinoceros in the attic)

Auditions: April 7-11, 7:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. each night
The Gumdrop - 410 Flop Street, Goober City

April 1, 2009


Smile a Day Convenience Store - #122
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Why you can't bring your pet turtle or snake to work
* Olin Jamison's assault with burrito trial: Q&A
* There is no such thing as the Give a Penny, Take a Pack of Cigarettes dish

** Please bring your own pants **

April 4, 2:00 p.m.

For sale

Halloween costumes

Captain Toenails - $10
Rory Pock (1970s version with celery antenna *rare*) - $13
Dr. Jalapeno - $40
Barbecue Sauce Man (w/out shoulder pads) - $25

Reggie 555-5771