October 31, 2013

For hire

Wood graffiti carver for hire

Call for rates and availability
Claire  555-9822

"I'll carve my name into anything."

- Claire, 9/28/13

October 30, 2013

October 29, 2013

For rent

Crab leg

* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Who Won't Get Bit By A Jellyfish?!
* Comes with some free sand

$7/half hour
Randal  555-4009

October 28, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Who Wants To Throw Slices of Cheese at a Millionaire? - Season 3
* Bus Boys: Detroit
* Worm Shop - Final season
* How Much Change is in Harold's Couch?! - Reunion special
* Grandpa Swap - Season 2 (w/deleted scenes)

$5 each
Raqwon  555-3966

October 27, 2013


Plumptin Times
Editorial meeting

On the agenda:

* No matter how many times they send us press releases and photographs, Dodgecantaloupe is not a sport
* The religion section will not be replaced by a daily pictorial tribute to the hoagie roll
* Our new Smelliest Kid Of The Week page: Q&A

October 31, 1:00 p.m.

October 26, 2013


I've heard, through reliable sources, that my neighbors Roger & Maureen Gafreda (431 Lavrondo Blvd., West Kaynesport) won't be giving out any Halloween candy this year.

That gives you a perfect opportunity to come to my house for all your Halloween needs.

* Guaranteed answer on first ring/knock
* Each trick-or-treater gets one free grab into The Box of Mystery & Mostly Applesauce
* Pre-Christmas sit on Santa's lap (minimum 10 seconds) available to first 25 kids to come to the door

Greg McAllister
433 Lavrondo Blvd.

October 25, 2013


Need car doors opened?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 24, 2013


Sid's Seafood Palace
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting sea shells with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of cod, Linda
* Making the customers get their own water from the hose behind the restaurant was not on the training video

Saturday morning, 11:00 a.m.

October 23, 2013

For sale

Peanut shells

$.75 each or all nine for $5
Renee  555-7448

October 22, 2013

Help wanted

I need help paying a parking ticket.

* $75 owed
* I'm at the corner of Durly Lane & 9th Street in Kaynesport, standing next to a red car with some french fries underneath the right front tire. I'll be wearing brown pants and a blue t-shirt with DOUG LIFE written in white on the front.

Doug  555-8815

October 21, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Don't let this happen to your bread.

Call P.E.T.W.B. (People for the Ethical Treatment of White Bread) at 555-3928 for more information.

October 20, 2013


Need your pool cleaned?

Had enough of Joe Maglio coming over, cleaning for a few minutes, then either taking a swim and falling asleep in a lawn chair and/or eating all of the leaves in the pool?

You have other options.

Annette Maglio  555-8003

October 19, 2013


Friends of Bart Carver
October meeting

On the agenda:

* For our November field trip to the water fountain by Bart's elementary school classroom, we still need deposits from Keisha, Darnell & Becky
* July 18, 2010: the day we had a surprise birthday at the office of Burt Carter
* Bart doesn't like meat loaf anymore

October 26, 6:30 p.m. at Janet's condo

October 18, 2013

For sale

I'm looking to find a good home for one of my napkins.

It's the last napkin of a package of 50 and I just haven't found a good use for him. He could use a fresh start.

Please: only looking for responses from solid families who wipe up their spills, however large, with napkins. Paper towel families need not apply.

Give me a call and we can discuss price
Jasper  555-8713

October 17, 2013

Help wanted

I need help paying the toll

* $2.50 owed
* I'm at the toll plaza on Highway 248, Kaynesport, fourth booth from the left in a blue car. I'm missing my driver's-side rear view mirror.
* First person to answer this ad gets 188 free pennies

** Hurry, many behind me interested **


October 16, 2013


We were both in the dentist office waiting room the other day and I was licking several of the magazines.

We made eye contact three times.

Which lens was missing from my sunglasses, the right or left?

Deandre  555-3957

October 15, 2013

Letter from the editor

The winners for this year's Film A Guy Singing To A Jar Of Mayonnaise contest have been selected and will receive their set of ice cubes by mail by the end of November. I'm also happy to announce that the search for the missing rain puddle has ended: the puddle simply evaporated the next day.

And finally, please stop mailing us gravel eating videos & model peanut shell skyscrapers as each of those contests have ended.

- Derwood Morris

October 14, 2013

For sale

CD singles

* I Saw Mommy Kissing Five Santa Clauses - The Peggy Cliff Singers
* Barney Davis Eyes - Durly
* Unhappy (Stapled) Together - The Squirrels
* Stairway To Apartment Over Garage - Forehead

$4 each
Montell  555-2005

October 13, 2013


Need a vacation?

I just bought a bunch of train cars and plenty of space is available.

Specialty cars also available, including:

* Sunflower seed/peanut shell "half & half cars" (cars 3, 9 & 15)
* The car with the wasp nests
* Dishwashing detergent (cars 5 & 6)
* The car of a thousand phone books
* Rusty lawn sprinklers (cars 2 & 7)
* The car containing my friend Greg

And more!

Call for full pricing plans
Wayne  555-3351

October 12, 2013

For rent

* Must provide own seat *

$11/half hour
Dwayne  555-6801

October 11, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Will Anyone Go With My Daughter To The Homecoming Dance? - season 8
* My Cat Threw Up What?! - seasons 1 & 2
* Bad Mayonnaise Club - season 4
* My Knees Hurt! - final season
* Is Your Mustache Worse Than A Tenth Grader's? - season 5

$5 each
Vinnie  555-8813

October 10, 2013

For rent

Water fountain

* Appeared on the reality TV special At The Water Fountain With The Stars: Season 7 Reunion


Call for location
Mr. Torkelson  555-0081

October 9, 2013


Need a phone number dialed?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 8, 2013


Not sure if your bread is stale or not? Have you been disappointed in the past and don't want to go through the heartache again?

Let me find out about the state of your bread for you.

$3 per taste
Melissa  555-7711

Also available:

* Butter, jam application
* Toastings:
6:00 a.m.-9:30 a.m. ($3 per piece)
After 9:30 a.m. ($1.25 per piece)
* Bread fight referee

October 6, 2013

For sale

I'm selling one blue pen cap, looking to get at least $4 for it.

* Slightly-chewed
* Serious offers only

Hakeem  555-1118

October 5, 2013


The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
October meeting

On the agenda:

* Andrea's new scarf: Q&A
* Copies of the new documentary Andrea Looks Out The Window & Andrea Eats An Apple 8/10/13 are now available on DVD for $10. Please see Hector under stair 3
* Andrea doesn't like asparagus anymore

October 9, 6:00 p.m.

October 4, 2013

For sale

I've been sent a number of ransom notes over the past few months and I'd like to move them for the right price. Great deals available.

"Bring me all your shampoo"
"I have the door to your mailbox"
"I have one of your front steps"
"I made this ransom note with your glue stick. Return the letter, unharmed, if you ever want to see your glue stick again"
"Bring me all your mayonnaise packets"
"We have your tissue. If you ever want to blow your nose again, meet me underneath the bridge at 7:30 a.m. You know which bridge I'm talking about"
"Don't even think about finishing that crossword puzzle"

Call for pricing list
Max 555-8710

October 3, 2013

For sale

Plenty of copies available

$4 or best offer
Harvey Cliff  555-7116

October 2, 2013

For hire

Leaf-eating contest champion for hire

* National title-winning seasons: 1981, 2004, 2012
* Must provide your own leaves
* Now also competitively eating soda bottle caps & magazine subscription cards

Call for prices and availability
Ivan  555-4671

October 1, 2013

For rent

Freezer space

I've got a small space in the back corner of my freezer available if you need to keep something frozen for a while.

* Freezer is in close proximity to wobbly light fixture 3
* Six frozen chicken fingers also available (inquire within)

Rental price: $6/half hour
Greg  555-2201