October 31, 2011


Kaynesport Bulls 9-under basketball
Team meeting

On the agenda:

* The following players are no longer allowed to shoot: Trey, Keshawn, Chris

November 2, 5:30 p.m. at the rec center

October 30, 2011


Pre-Halloween meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who this year is dressing up as an above-ground pool?
* A pumpkin is not a weapon
* Showing up four hours late to a costume party dressed as November 1st isn't funny two years in a row

October 30, 7:00 p.m. at Randy Turner's apartment

October 29, 2011

For sale

Workout videos on VHS

* Hopping In Place With Pierre
* Come On, Let's Butter Up Paul and Shove Him Through the Doorway
* (Let's Keep) Blubbersizing!

$5 each
Cody 555-4461

October 28, 2011


The Sandwich Hole
Grand opening of our West Kaynesport location!

Summer specials:

* Diced sandals w/mustard sauce
* Ears of Linda on pumpernickel
* The Murray Dandridge
* Paper towel on white

BYOT (Bring your own tomatoes)

Sandwich Hole - 710 Poloca Avenue, Kaynesport

October 27, 2011

For sale

Piece of sausage

* Piece of sweatshirt fuzz included

Brent  555-3887


Need to close a shower curtain?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 26, 2011

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on pine straw near my house.

Viewings available now and until the end of December.

* $125 per viewing
* Chunks of Jesus Straw™ also available

844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

October 25, 2011


The Plumptin Buffaloes 40+ adult baseball fall team has been selected!

Final cut list

* Returning player

1. Tommy Potato
2. *Derwood Quintana
3. Pigeon Face Hadley
4. *Jarvis James
5. Sunset Rivers
6. *Kneecaps Graham
7. *Percy Chang
8. Gramps Vernon
9. Ernie Bilbo
10. Timmy Potato
11. Hakeem
12. *Pervis Chang
13. Shu Shin-Wong
14. Crackers Calhoun

First practice: October 29, 6:00 p.m. at field 10

** Please bring your own glove **

October 24, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Do these types of images make you uncomfortable?

This holiday season, let's make sure the sandwiches get eaten.

Call 555-3995 to find out how you can make a difference.

October 23, 2011


Handy man for hire

"I'll take care of all your odd jobs or my name isn't Randal"

* Personal faller
* Vacuuming critic
* Possum interrogation
* "Let's run over to that lady and chew on her toes"
* Directions to the roof
* Pillowcase-eating contest judge

Call for rates and availability
Chuck 555-6019

October 22, 2011

For sale

Two goldfish

* Eddie Jr. and Ozzie
* Both deceased in September
* Appeared in 2010 musical Goldfish of a Salesman
* Interesting trades for living goldfish considered

$3 each or $5 for both
Eddie 555-1818

October 21, 2011


The Game Trough
Grand Re-opening

Top-selling games:

* Breakfast Buffet 2008
* Cumin Seed Man
* Escape From The Dinner Table
* Driveway Thief
* Vacuuming '93
* Cumin Seed Man vs. Canada

The Game Trough - 322 Morris Blvd., Kaynesport

October 20, 2011


Need to open a shower curtain?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 19, 2011


Kaynesport High Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting

On the agenda:

* Note to the guys: please put on your cummerbund after your underwear and pants
* Piggy back rides to and from the gym begin at 5:30 p.m. the day of the dance
* The theme 'under the sea' should not be taken literally

October 21, 1:00 p.m. in the media center

October 18, 2011

For rent

Block of cheese

$.75 per small cube or $4 for entire block
Trevor  555-9338

October 17, 2011

For sale

Domain names


$10 each
Terry 555-8810

October 16, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Basketball Usher Wives - Complete series w/deleted scenes
* Watch me Drink Toilet Bowl Cleaner - Final season
* Ant Farm Swap - Season 3

$10 each
Sandra 555-4419

October 15, 2011

Item found


[photo aged 11 minutes]

* Green
* Doesn't answer to Randy or Randal
* He mostly sits on the carpet underneath the coffee table and keeps to himself. Seems homesick.

Keandre  555-3939

October 14, 2011


Friends of Sam Janford
October meeting

Items to discuss:

* Sam's new bicycle shorts: Q&A
* Apologizing to Jan Sanford for the surprise 'birthday kidnapping' and returning him to his calligraphy class
* Our field trip to the tool shed in Sam's backyard has been moved to December 9

October 17, 2:00 p.m. at Ben & Hillary's condo

October 13, 2011

For sale


* Grayish-black
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show We're Living on the Roof!

$700 or the equivalent in chimney
Nathaniel & Kiesha 555-8724

October 12, 2011

For sale

Two tickets to Kaynesport Renegades semi-pro fall baseball

* October 27 game vs. Plumptin Bluejays
* Free with purchase: envelope the tickets came in

Hank 555-1819

October 11, 2011

For sale

Used books

* Idiot's Guide to the Spoon - Charlene Hummel
* Portrait of a Wine Stain as a Young Grape - Arthur Clemons
* Devil Wears Elbow Pads - Claire Medlen
* Stop Signs for Dummies - Chocolate House Publishing

$4 each
Linda 555-3401

October 10, 2011


Need help replacing an ant in your ant farm?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 9, 2011



* Percy
* Last seen Saturday at the train station, finishing a cigarette butt

East Kaynesport Magicians LLC

October 8, 2011

For sale


* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Chair Fights: Baltimore

Barry 555-3447

** Hurry, several people named Henry are interested **

October 7, 2011


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #62
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Making the customers do five sets of push ups to receive their change was not on the training video
* The 'french fry in my nose' joke at the cash registers is no longer funny
* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of troubled looks, Dorothy Bainbridge

October 10, 3:30 p.m.

October 6, 2011

For sale

Bologna sandwich

* Perfect for the sandwich eater in your life
* Extra piece of lettuce sold separately
* Interesting trades for photographs of bologna sandwiches considered

Paul  555-4002

October 5, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

* Jellypantsphobia (fear of a clothed jellyfish)
* Embellishing how often my goldfish speaks
* Whistling battles in bank lines: keeping it real
* Giant mailboxes invade Front Lawn City
* Bottom of foot piercing regret
* "I cook pounds of jasmine rice, pour it into the bathtub and bathe in it"
* Excessive zippering

Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6643

October 4, 2011

For sale

1/2 cucumber

Cal 555-0017

For sale

Stuffed bear

* "Maurice"
* Ketchup behind left ear still good
* Interesting trades for live bears considered

Ben & Felicity 555-3991

October 3, 2011


Professional pointer for hire

"I'll point at anything"

* Fully-licensed
* Over 40 years of pointing experience
* Once pointed at a building for over 15 minutes 22 seconds (national record)
* Assistant manager in charge of pointing at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #344 (May, 2006-December, 2008)

Call for pricing list
Jill 555-7990

** Now pointing at broken-down vehicles **

October 2, 2011


A Novel Concept book club
October meeting

Books to discuss:

* Turkey Sandwich, Interrupted - Gail Clemens
* The Girl With the Vacuum Cleaner Tattoo - Elliot Shane
* Idiot's Guide to the Faucet - Ed. Samantha Horn
* History of North American Mud Fights - Chocolate House Publishing

October 4, 7:00 p.m. at Ned & Danita's apartment

October 1, 2011

For rent

Basketball goal

* Must provide own net
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Basketball Statistician's Wives
* Wasp nest on rear side of backboard
* Youth player with terrible jump shot and chicken legs (Randal Jr.) free with rental agreement

Randal & Beverly 555-3391