June 30, 2012

For sale

Used books

* Idiot's Guide To The Stapler - Ed. Molly Orsen
* To Date A Mockingbird - Claire Burkhalter
* Championship Prison Swim Teams - Chocolate House Publishing
* Coffee Stain of a Salesman - Charles Wood

$3 each
Amanda  555-4488

June 29, 2012

For rent

Cat litter

* Priced by the half hour or by the ounce
* Free cat with rental agreement

Steven  555-2233

June 28, 2012


Friends of Bill Wilson
July meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who is going to tell Bill he still has a potato chip in his mustache from Saturday's barbecue/fundraiser to raise awareness of mustard?
* How our accidental votes for Will Bilson swung last Tuesday's election
* Our field trip to Bill's 4th grade art room has been moved to August 26

July 1, 7:00 p.m. at Corinne's apartment

June 27, 2012

For rent


Kenneth  555-9334

June 26, 2012


Porter City Swim Club
Pre-summer meeting

Items to discuss:

* You only need to wear one pair of goggles
* Why the "wheelbarrow in the pool" prank is no longer funny
* Please take your jeans off before you put on your speedo

June 28, 3:00 p.m. - Len Shelton Aquatics Center

June 25, 2012

For sale

Used car

* 277,000 miles
* Green w/dried barbecue sauce racing stripes
* Missing rear-view mirrors, back passenger-side back tire, roof
* Two slices of white bread somewhere in back free with purchase

Jimmy  555-7702

"The time to buy this car is now."

- Jimmy

June 24, 2012

Item found


We found him Friday evening on the sidewalk. It's hard to lose a feather.

If he belongs to you, give us a call.

Mary & Bruce 
home - 555-0334
cell - 555-7795
office (Mon, Tues) - 555-3816

June 23, 2012

For sale


* 37-years old
* Bald since 2002
* Appeared on the hit reality TV show Who Won't Drown?!

$700 or best offer
Catherine  555-7300

June 22, 2012

Letter from the editor

Congratulations to the May winners of the Name That Eggplant contest. You will be notified by mail and receive your envelope of paper clip pieces.

Also, please stop sending us shampoo drinking videos, that particular contest ended March 30.

- Derwood Morris

June 21, 2012

Help wanted

I need to pay for my haircut.

I'm at Henry's Hair on 18th Street in Kaynesport, sitting in chair 3. I'll be pointing at my head.

* $12 + tip owed
* Free hair with purchase

$15 or best offer
Kurt 555-2323

June 20, 2012

For rent


* Dead mouse behind cushion free with rental agreement
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Sitting Down With The Stars

$8/half hour
Dale  555-2919

June 19, 2012

Police report

Otis Lazlo
Age: 41

June 17: Mr. Lazlo was arrested for leaving the scene of an omelet and for two counts of yolk profiling.

Previous arrests:

January 18, 2008: Felony finger chewing-and-run.

November 26, 2002: Felony possession of more than 50 photographs of ant hills with intent to distribute.

March 2, 1996: Arrested for providing false information. Mr. Lazlo claimed he was a Puerto Rican monkey named Paco and that the only way to properly wash an automobile is with barbecue sauce.

Lazlo, Otis
Bail: $14

June 18, 2012

Husband for sale

Age: 48

Pluses: Once ate an entire box of crayons to win a bet; was minister in the first legalized goldfish marriage (August, 2009)

Minuses: During a 1993 job interview, drank a bottle of shampoo. Didn't get job.

Awards & honors:

* Fattest, 2001-2002 Plumptin adult softball league D
* 7th place, Build your own Chimney
* Outfield Fall Down Award, 2003-2004 Plumptin adult softball league D
* Worst Punt, 1977 Pittsfield Cougars middle school football

Acting history:

* 1994, played "Horace" in the off-Broadway musical Snowman on the Roof
* 1996, played fire hydrant #3 on a a Hefty Milk Bone commercial
* 2005-2007, stand-in for "Dr. Vanderells" on the daytime soap opera These Can't Be All My Children

$800 or best offer
Valerie 555-6981

** Hurry, many interested **

June 17, 2012


Drunville Blastos baseball
Additions to promotional calendar

July 6 - Door Knob Night (First 5,000 fans)
July 22 - Toss Buckets of Sawdust into the Bullpen
August 3 - Bring Your Salamander to the Ballpark
August 6 - Rabid Raccoon Day
August 15 - Throw Celery at the Center Fielder
September 29 - Mini Blastos Helmet of Coleslaw (First 1,000 fans under 14)

Call 555-DRUN for tickets

June 16, 2012


Need some dirt or mud eaten?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

June 15, 2012


NoPay Grocery Store - Store 345
Cashiers Town Hall Meeting

Items to discuss:

* What's the code for asparagus?
* Put on your work shirt before your vest
* Bathroom breaks: where not to sit

June 18, 8:00 a.m.

June 14, 2012


Bubbles & Suds Car Wash
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Why our Grandma Feet air fresheners were a bad idea
* From now on, please shower at home
* We do not offer wheelbarrow detailing

June 16, 3:00 p.m.

June 13, 2012

For sale


- Honey, I Microwaved The Kids
- Things we lost in the Cole Slaw
- I Sneezed on Miguel 2
- Dances with Wheelbarrows

$4 each or all three for $10
Wally 555-9155

June 12, 2012


The People In Mary Vincent's Bathtub
October meeting

On the agenda:

* Mary doesn't use lavender-scented bar soap anymore
* Our field trip to the sink has been moved to July 3
* Who is driving Mary's nephew to his orthodontist appointment on Thursday?

June 14, 2:00 p.m.

June 11, 2012

For rent

Hot dog bun

* Light mold
* Free mustard water pamphlet with rental agreement

$4/half hour
Deondre  555-2181

June 10, 2012

New Bobby T-Shirts

"I sold my hair at the Bobby Classifieds"

$10 each
derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

June 9, 2012


Flight 423 to Kaynesport
Row G meeting

On the agenda:

* Where is the overhead luggage compartment? Q&A
* Pointing out of the window 101
* What if I held some ice cubes and the stewardess poured my drink into my hands? Q&A

June 11, 3:30 p.m. in the north parking lot by the elevators

June 8, 2012


Need anything folded?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

June 7, 2012


Our beloved piece of lettuce has gone missing

* Green
* Last seen Monday on the counter
* Reward crouton offered

[Photograph aged one day]

Bianca & Chris 555-6515

June 6, 2012

For sale


"Legends of Lettuce Olympics"

* Dorothy Tuck - $15
* Murray Vernon (RARE) - $40

"Deadliest Possums - Series 4"

* Sharpy - $5

"Leaves - 1993"

* Brown - $3
* Yellowish-brown - $8

All in mint condition
Chris  555-6515

June 5, 2012

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Cut My Toenails! - Season 4
* 6th Grader Swap - Season 1
* Watch Me Eat Sand - Seasons 2 & 3
* Who Wants To Glue Cereal To A Millionaire? - Season 5

$8 each
Sandy  555-3321

June 4, 2012

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared in my carpet cleaner.

Viewings available now and until the end of August.

$75/half hour
844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

June 3, 2012

For sale

Ice cubes

* Two available
* Hurry, they're melting

$.75 each or both for $1.25
Henry  555-7223

** Serious offers only **

June 2, 2012


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #401
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* There's no such thing as a "taking your wallet out of your pocket tax"
* Bring your Ferret to Work Day has been moved to June 27
* Please stop accepting rubber spiders as currency

June 2, 1:00 p.m.

June 1, 2012