Services

Advice Lady for hire

* You can't take a can opener to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with ketchup
* A highway on-ramp is no place to try and sell your pants
* Don't make a pecan pie out of a molehill
* Make sure the lucky foot is detached from the rabbit before you carry it around in your pocket
* Wearing a ski parka into the shower


Call for prices and availability
Rhonda 555-8767

For sale

Music albums on CD

Eggplant Face Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 - Eggplant Face
Take Another Little Piece of My Thumb - Rosa
Runnin' Out On (A Buffet Bill) - The Mossy People
Boysenberries in the Hood Soundtrack - Various artists


$5 each
Hillary 555-3316

Meetings

La Quaranda Hotel
Early-fall staff meeting


On the agenda:

- The disappearance of Steve the bellhop - Q&A
- Who replaced the 11th floor vending machine with a duck on a leash?
- The bed bugs have bitten: where do we go from here?



September 1, 4:00 p.m.

For sale

Hair

* Gray
* Interesting trades for hats considered


$15 for entire pile or $.50 per hair
Bruce 555-9119


** Ask about our dandruff plan **

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Emergency meeting


* 1st annual Dance Marathon: what went wrong
* Andrea's new boyfriend, Greg
* The Opossums in Andrea Fleming's Attic: who do these marsupials think they are?


August 29, 8:00 a.m.


Wheat bread cubes: Samantha

For sale

Dontavius Upshaw autographed hot dog bun




$14
Henry  555-8891

For sale

Directions for sale

- Your house to my mini van
- Derrick's grandmother's house to the adult video store
- My mini van to Janet's apartment
- Laundromat to Derrick's grandmother's house
- Stacy's apartment to the defensive driving building


* All directions come on yellow, lined paper *


$10 each
Mike 555-6614

For sale

1/3 bologna sandwich

* Piece of lettuce brought over from other sandwich
* Bologna Bob play set free with purchase
* Mustache hair (1) sold separately


$6
Beth 555-7007

Meetings

Fast Stop Convenience Store
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting mailbox flags as currency
* Ice cream sandwich fights vs. the customers, strategy session IV: defense
* We do not have a give a penny take a loaf of bread tray


August 27, 1:00 p.m.

For sale

Used books


Championship Prison Racquetball Teams - Ivan Blayshore
Sneezes of Summer - Ryan Conway
History of Pinecone Wars (1939-1959) - Editor: Charlie Freedman


$6 each
Mallory 555-2101

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

I have my ex-girlfriend's name tattooed on my right forearm. Her name is Bobbie. Looking for a woman named Bobbie or Bonnie.

Trent box 20020


Voted "Best Dressed" in Middale High School yearbook-June, 1991. I like to be dominated (in board games).

Mitch box 53802


WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I would really like to meet a man from Arkansas.

Connie box 79974


Let's get together and start a family (of armadillos).

Mary box 37665

For rent

Apartment for rent

1 BR
0 BATH
1 Mildew Man Halloween costume (1960s version w/out Provolone helmet)

* Spiders/webs free with rental agreement
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show Plunger Wars


$130/month
Tony 555-0100

For sale

Dog ear collection

- Over 4,000 available
- Perfect for earrings, dog ear fights


$5 each or $18,000 for entire collection
Rondae 555-3491

** Hurry, Danny is interested **

Openings

Mort's Motel
Grand re-opening!

** Now rabbit-free **

- Over 20 cable stations, including: The Mailbox Channel, PinchTV & Silence
- Salsa pool w/deluxe slide
- Complimentary Wheelbarrow Obituaries Weekly with check-in


* Rooms starting at $13.99 *

Mort's - 610 Weddley Circle, Kaynesport

For sale

1/2 cupcake

* Received as compensation for lost cashews (August 17)
* Bite taken by Marv Ledford
* Free with purchase: dead ant (James), used napkin

$4
Wally 555-6029

** Interesting trades for cashews considered **

Public Service Announcement

Help us end barbecue sauce spills by 2020.

Call 555-8718 for more information.

For sale

Trumpet



* Used by legendary Bam Baker during 1982 concert at Hamburger Bun Fest
* Horn chewed on by raccoon (May, 1993)


$125
Kurt 555-2341

Services

Save muddy on cabin fare and buy Carl insurance. With owl of a question, it's beanier than any otter's shackle in creeping up on the Joe Zinns.

Shiny Nostril free with raccoon pompom.


Call 555-6886

Meetings

Remaining Confident in the Bathroom
Kaynesport Chapter - August meeting

On the agenda:

* You can shave with a toothbrush and brush your teeth with shaving cream, but it's not recommended
* I'm done in the shower, where do I go next?

Plus: Toilet Tutorials with Thomas

- The dangers of the flush-and-flee
- My leg is caught in the toilet: what do I do now?


August 22, 6:00 p.m. at the Aldersons

For sale

Ear

* Pierced
* Once belonged to Gary Pirkle


$8
Paula Pirkle  555-8716

For sale

Bumper stickers

"My child had his crayons stolen at Olan Elementary"
"How's my sneaker tossing? 555-2669"
"Guns don't kill people, drinking nail polish remover kills people"


$4 each
Everett 555-2669

For sale

Lunch meat

* Salami - 7 slices (Sergeant Salami action figure included)
* Roast beef - 3 slices
* Turkey - 1 slice


$1 each or all 11 for $8
Amanda 555-0106

Services

Crayshon, Bigsley & Appermeiher
Attorneys-at-law

* Felony pick-and-run (leaving the scene of a nostril)
* Misdemeanor possession of kangaroo feet
* Attempted lawnmower 1
* Toothbrush impersonation
* Erniewalking
* Illegal marshmallow trade
* S.U.I. (Splenguling under the influence)


Call for free quote
555-4461

Openings

Viv's Video Games
Grand opening!




This summer's hottest games now available:

Bologna Boy
Retirement Home: TV Room
Qwuhkick
Beef Stew Fight 2
Grandma Thief
Bologna Boy vs. Las Vegas


Viv's - 680 Wendell Lane, Plumptin

Letter from the editor

The finalists for the What's in my Ear? competition have been selected and will be notified by the Bobby's brand-new wheelbarrow courier service. Please stop sending entries. Also, the 4th annual Pinch Fest has been moved to September 3 and we still need judges for the envelope eating contest.

- Derwood

For sale

1/2 truck



* Used in the filming of the 1998 movie I, Refrigerator
* Over three pounds of stale yogurt included with purchase

$80
Gregg 555-2391

For sale

VHS


Lasagna Fight 3
Lost in Crustacean
Forget Bob, What About Rob?
Macaroni Pendelton Presents: Deodorant Eating Contest


$3 each
Reggie 555-8817

Meetings

Kaynesport Owls 12-year old travel baseball
Team meeting


On the agenda:

* Pet cats have been banned from the dugout
* Burying coach Eddie in sunflower seeds: where do we go from here?
* The following players are no longer allowed to pitch: Michael, Deontay & Tyler


August 13, 1:00 p.m. at field 6

For lease

Historic building in downtown Kaynesport for lease



Previous inhabitants:

* Ed's Retail Hair (August, 1999-May, 2010)
* Salad Olympics Training Facility (Winter-Spring, 1998)
* Museum of Ice Cube Trays (March, 1992-December, 1997)
* Ed's Barber Shop (January, 1983-November, 1991)
* M.A.R.N. (Mothers Against Roof Napping) headquarters (June, 1981-December, 1983)
* East Kaynesport chapter of S.O.M.P. (Separation of Motor Oil & Pizza) (January, 1973-April, 1981)


$107/month rent
Harold 555-5481

For sale

Gum

- Chewed
- Grape flavored
- Interesting trades for unchewed gum considered

$2
Jay 555-3229

Services

Need leftovers eaten?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

$5 bill

* Received in change at Chubby's Bar & Grill (August 6)


$7 or best offer
Dwayne 555-6634

Meetings

Pal's Convenience Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not have a give a penny take a pack of batteries tray
* What happened after Ernie tried to microwave the bag of potato chips
* Last Wednesday's chimichanga fight with the customers: despite what cashier Louis says, no one won


August 10, 9:00 a.m.

TV listings

Check out WDER's new Saturday lineup!

REALITY TV

Drive-thru Manager - 8:00 p.m.
During his weekly state-of-the-onions address, Demarco falls out of the drive-thru window.

Who Wants to Staple Things to a Millionaire? - 9:00 p.m.
Ben staples below the belt and has to spend a night in the filing cabinet.

Breakfast Buffet - 10:00 p.m.
Tammy and Brenda get into another scrambled egg fight. Plus: After being found with pancakes in her purse, Madeline is the first to be sent home.


MOVIE NIGHT - 10:30 p.m.

How Toby got his Ice Cubes Back



5:40 a.m. - Perfecting your air handshake with Marty

For sale

Magazines

Mailbox Flag Enthusiast (January, 1999; March, 1999)
Raccoon Romance Writer's Society (Special convention newsletter - May, 2004)
Shopping Cart & Pusher (December, 2007)


$3 each
Tom 555-2917

Cat for sale

Edgar

* Breath smells like rotten cabbage
* Appeared in the 2007 documentary Somebody Empty my Litter Box
* Extra whiskers available by request


$21
Beth 555-9660

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
August meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Andrea's father-in-law, Eddie to his Scratchers Anonymous meeting next Monday?
* Andrea's new toe nail polish
* We need chaperones for our September 5 field trip to the spare bedroom


August 6, 7:00 p.m.

Home for sale

7 BR
1/2 BATH
1/2 GARAGE DOOR

* Used in the filming of the 2001 movie Karate Fish


Open house - August 7 from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.
332 Kerr Avenue, Kaynesport

Services

Door-to-door food service

Some of my most popular summer items:

* Wrists of Damian (new!)
* Napkin Casserole
* Monkey Knuckle Sampler Platter

Delicious soups:

* Sock
* Cream of Sawdust

Call for pricing list
Wendy 555-5441

For sale

Snake



* Eric
* Died July, 2010


$4
Harriet 555-6881