June 30, 2011


Make yourself muddy trading stops and bombs on Waldo Street. The lady will lovely to re-seating your airline as you climb the cornbread ladder.

Call for free blowtorch.


June 29, 2011

For sale


* Six available
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Salad Buffet

$1 each or all six for $5
Diane  555-3229


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #73
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The hamburger bun pummeling of cashier Don Lawrence
* We can no longer accept couch cushions as currency
* There's no such thing as a reaching into your pocket tax

June 30, 1:00 p.m.

June 28, 2011


The Derweezo Circus traveling freak show is coming to a town near you!

Brand-new freaks, including:

* The bearded man
* The goldfish with no eyebrows
* The pine cone that can't speak
* The right-handed girl
* The boy who delivers newspapers to squirrels
* The brown-haired woman
* The raccoon with no knees
* The man who every Tuesday bakes a lasagna for his living room couch
* The unused napkin

Derweezo Circus
555-3449 for tickets

June 27, 2011

For sale


* Orange
* Near-mint condition

Reggie 555-7363

June 26, 2011


Need cars sat in?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

June 25, 2011

For sale

 3/4 of a cucumber

* Green
* Perfect for the cucumber lover in your life

Valerie  555-6399


Valet for hire at Kaynesport Mall

"Whatever you arrived in/on, I'll park it."

* Wheelbarrow
* Pogo stick
* Roller blades
* Grandpa piggy-back
* Cardboard box suit
* Rhino
* Running sneakers

M-F 10:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.
Mitch 555-2341

June 24, 2011

Birth announcement

Leroy Hanniger

We found Leroy in the produce section at 12:06 p.m., June 23. Our little bundle of joy was a ripe, seven ounces when he came tumbling out of the wooden crate, and friends and family agree: he's a beautiful light green.

His stem is short for his age and we understand he didn't fall far from the tree, but we still think our first-born could grow up to become part of a delicious pie sometime around the first of July.

- Trent and Louise, Jasper City

June 23, 2011

For sale

Corn chips

- Several dozen for sale
- Payment options available
- Interesting trades for drawings/photographs of corn chips considered

Open kitchen cabinet: June 25 from 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. at 430 Murdock Crossing, Kaynesport

June 22, 2011


The East Dylan Astros 25+ baseball team has been selected!

Players who made the final cut:

* Returning player

1. Burt Banneker
2. Walter Woo
3. Bobby McMurtry
4. Ollie Stankiewicz*
5. Vic Pinkley
6. Lenny Noodles*
7. Angelo Barboa*
8. Knuckles Griffin
9. Otis Zucchini Jr.
10. Warren Woo
11. Qw'Shontay Arnold*
12. Humphrey Paddock*
13. Ewing Zebble*

** Please report to our first practice - June 25 at field 4 **

June 21, 2011

For sale


* Gray, but with plenty of character
* Interesting trades for parsley considered

Hank  555-9334

For sale

Domain names


$8 each
Nadine  555-8008

June 20, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

* Taco shell tattoo regret
* Fear of talking couch cushions
* Randyphilliphobia (fear of Randy Phillips)
* Inadequacy in the stockroom
* "I make chicken noodle soup and pour it on my neighbor's front lawn"
* Fear of a clothed hippopotamus

Call for rates and availability
Janice 555-2091

June 19, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* How Much Change is in my Couch? - Final season (w/deleted scenes)
* Watch Me Drink Nail Polish - Complete Series
* My Sweet 42 Party - Season 1
* Pimp My Wheelbarrow - Season 4 (w/outtakes)

$9 each
Trevon 555-6126

June 18, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Save the bananas: help us keep the peels on.

Call 555-PEEL to find out how you can help

June 17, 2011


Balloon Animal College is opening in downtown Kaynesport

- dean of students Edmund Shea

Classes start soon:

* Breath In, Breath In
MW 1:00 p.m.-2:15 p.m.

* Knot
TT 10:00 a.m.-11:15 a.m.

* Hippos 101
MWF 3:30 p.m.-4:45 p.m.

* Advanced Knot
W 9:45 a.m.-11:00 a.m.

* "That doesn't look like a giraffe"
SA 10:00 am-11:30 am

Registration begins June 24
BAC 555-0819

June 16, 2011

For sale

Used books

The Idiot's Guide to Epilogues - Ed. Phylis Van Berger
Portrait of the Box Wine as a Young Grape - Jarvis Jane
The Girl with the Toothbrush Tattoo - Elijah Tway
Directions Written on a Napkin of a Salesman - Harold Zerner

$5 each
Terry 555-4849

June 15, 2011

For sale

Tennis ball


- Tennis Ball Price Guide editor/ex-husband Greg Glaus

Regina  555-3010


Flight 619
Row L meeting

June 17, 2:30 p.m. in the south parking lot by the escalator

June 14, 2011


The envelope-eating contest has been moved to June 28 at Kaynesport Hall.

All competitors must bring their own counter/timer & be sanctioned by the E.P.N.

- TBC staff

June 13, 2011

For sale


* Some mold *

Andy  555-4646

June 12, 2011


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #89
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please do not offer shampoo as a condiment
* There's no such thing as a "wearing a hat tax"

June 13, 2:00 p.m.

June 11, 2011

For rent


$7/half hour or we can negotiate

Reggie (or Reg)  555-7665

June 10, 2011


Ryles, Salvador & Salvador Law Offices


- NY times

* Receiving stolen laundry detergent
* Y.U.I. (yawning under the influence)
* Directions to the law office
* Beating-by-cucumber
* Gerbil custody
* Leaving the scene of an enchilada

Call for rates and availability

June 9, 2011


I can fit an entire head of lettuce in my mouth.

Viewings: Monday-Friday 2:30 pm-4pm

Call to set up a visitation
Jeremy 555-2880


Booboo's Hair Salon
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* The only place you're permitted to shampoo someone is their head
* The customers are not allowed to pay with old hair

June 10, 11:00 a.m.

June 8, 2011

For sale

Facial hair

* Mustache, chin, sideburns, eyebrows, I've got it all
* Priced by the hair

Call for pricing list
Booboo  555-3232

June 7, 2011


Need a photograph or drawing of Joe Maglio?

Donna Maglio 555-7732

June 6, 2011

Casting Call

The Dermorris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming play, Xavier!

- Coach Drury
- Les the Talking Postage Stamp
- Dream Bernice
- Power Forward Fred
- Octopus Girl/Octopus Girl alter-ego Carla Saunders
- Dream Teddy
- Tamika the Tap-Dancing Turnip
- Sawdust Sam and the Termites band manager Lonnie Craig

* We're also looking for someone who can talk an old lady down from a ladder *

Auditions are June 11 from 3:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at Dermorris - 650 Schlameel Avenue, Plumptin

June 5, 2011


McElroy High School yearbook staff
June meeting

On the agenda:

* “Most likely to drink a container of antifreeze” is not a senior superlative
* No student is allowed to pose for their class picture with a zoo animal
* It doesn’t matter how many pictures they send, there is no such thing as the No Pants Club

June 2, 3:30 p.m. in room 283

June 4, 2011


* Envelope Plant tour/taste tests now available
555-6112 for tickets

* My spaceship has been built and I'm taking it out for the first time. Those interested in joining me, space is limited. (Ladies only). Carl 555-8109

* DVD for sale: Curtain Malfunction of the Opera
Boris 555-4100

* Linda, please bring back my towel. I need it to dry myself.
Marlene 555-2887

June 3, 2011

For sale

Lettuce core

Andy 555-2338

June 2, 2011

June 1, 2011


Need beds slept in?

Joe Maglio 555-9995