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Make yourself muddy trading stops and bombs on Waldo Street. The lady will lovely to re-seating your airline as you climb the cornbread ladder.

Call for free blowtorch.


555-3355

For sale

Carrots

* Six available
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Salad Buffet


$1 each or all six for $5
Diane  555-3229

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #73
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The hamburger bun pummeling of cashier Don Lawrence
* We can no longer accept couch cushions as currency
* There's no such thing as a reaching into your pocket tax


June 30, 1:00 p.m.

Events

The Derweezo Circus traveling freak show is coming to a town near you!

Brand-new freaks, including:

* The bearded man
* The goldfish with no eyebrows
* The pine cone that can't speak
* The right-handed girl
* The boy who delivers newspapers to squirrels
* The brown-haired woman
* The raccoon with no knees
* The man who every Tuesday bakes a lasagna for his living room couch
* The unused napkin


Derweezo Circus
555-3449 for tickets

For sale

Sandal



* Orange
* Near-mint condition


$6
Reggie 555-7363

Services

Need cars sat in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

 3/4 of a cucumber

* Green
* Perfect for the cucumber lover in your life


$3
Valerie  555-6399

Services

Valet for hire at Kaynesport Mall

"Whatever you arrived in/on, I'll park it."


* Wheelbarrow
* Pogo stick
* Roller blades
* Grandpa piggy-back
* Cardboard box suit
* Rhino
* Running sneakers


M-F 10:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.
Mitch 555-2341

Birth announcement

Leroy Hanniger



We found Leroy in the produce section at 12:06 p.m., June 23. Our little bundle of joy was a ripe, seven ounces when he came tumbling out of the wooden crate, and friends and family agree: he's a beautiful light green.

His stem is short for his age and we understand he didn't fall far from the tree, but we still think our first-born could grow up to become part of a delicious pie sometime around the first of July.


- Trent and Louise, Jasper City

For sale

Corn chips

- Several dozen for sale
- Payment options available
- Interesting trades for drawings/photographs of corn chips considered


Open kitchen cabinet: June 25 from 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. at 430 Murdock Crossing, Kaynesport

Announcements

The East Dylan Astros 25+ baseball team has been selected!

Players who made the final cut:

* Returning player

1. Burt Banneker
2. Walter Woo
3. Bobby McMurtry
4. Ollie Stankiewicz*
5. Vic Pinkley
6. Lenny Noodles*
7. Angelo Barboa*
8. Knuckles Griffin
9. Otis Zucchini Jr.
10. Warren Woo
11. Qw'Shontay Arnold*
12. Humphrey Paddock*
13. Ewing Zebble*


** Please report to our first practice - June 25 at field 4 **

For sale

Basil

* Gray, but with plenty of character
* Interesting trades for parsley considered


$4
Hank  555-9334

For sale

Domain names


www.fireproducemanagerkelly.blogspot.com
www.ploopcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveacorneating
www.bagelfights.com/2004/abnervscorcoran
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/throwfurniturefromthetrain
www.applesiveyettofinish.wordpress.com
www.evansivemet.com/evanporter
www.collegesneezing.blogspot.com/fourtimenationalchampions_andreaflynn


$8 each
Nadine  555-8008

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* Taco shell tattoo regret
* Fear of talking couch cushions
* Randyphilliphobia (fear of Randy Phillips)
* Inadequacy in the stockroom
* "I make chicken noodle soup and pour it on my neighbor's front lawn"
* Fear of a clothed hippopotamus


Call for rates and availability
Janice 555-2091

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* How Much Change is in my Couch? - Final season (w/deleted scenes)
* Watch Me Drink Nail Polish - Complete Series
* My Sweet 42 Party - Season 1
* Pimp My Wheelbarrow - Season 4 (w/outtakes)


$9 each
Trevon 555-6126

Public Service Announcement

Save the bananas: help us keep the peels on.




Call 555-PEEL to find out how you can help

Opportunities

Balloon Animal College is opening in downtown Kaynesport

"Finally!"

- dean of students Edmund Shea

Classes start soon:

* Breath In, Breath In
MW 1:00 p.m.-2:15 p.m.

* Knot
TT 10:00 a.m.-11:15 a.m.

* Hippos 101
MWF 3:30 p.m.-4:45 p.m.

* Advanced Knot
W 9:45 a.m.-11:00 a.m.

* "That doesn't look like a giraffe"
SA 10:00 am-11:30 am


Registration begins June 24
BAC 555-0819

For sale

Used books


The Idiot's Guide to Epilogues - Ed. Phylis Van Berger
Portrait of the Box Wine as a Young Grape - Jarvis Jane
The Girl with the Toothbrush Tattoo - Elijah Tway
Directions Written on a Napkin of a Salesman - Harold Zerner



$5 each
Terry 555-4849

For sale

Tennis ball



"Brand-new"

- Tennis Ball Price Guide editor/ex-husband Greg Glaus


$10
Regina  555-3010

Meetings

Flight 619
Row L meeting


June 17, 2:30 p.m. in the south parking lot by the escalator

Announcements

The envelope-eating contest has been moved to June 28 at Kaynesport Hall.

All competitors must bring their own counter/timer & be sanctioned by the E.P.N.


- TBC staff

For sale

Fig

* Some mold *


$3
Andy  555-4646

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #89
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Please do not offer shampoo as a condiment
* There's no such thing as a "wearing a hat tax"


June 13, 2:00 p.m.

For rent

Sunglasses

$7/half hour or we can negotiate


Reggie (or Reg)  555-7665

Services

Ryles, Salvador & Salvador Law Offices


"!!!!" 

- NY times



* Receiving stolen laundry detergent
* Y.U.I. (yawning under the influence)
* Directions to the law office
* Beating-by-cucumber
* Gerbil custody
* Leaving the scene of an enchilada


Call for rates and availability
555-4113

Services

I can fit an entire head of lettuce in my mouth.

Viewings: Monday-Friday 2:30 pm-4pm


Call to set up a visitation
Jeremy 555-2880

Meetings

Booboo's Hair Salon
Staff meeting




Items to discuss:

* The only place you're permitted to shampoo someone is their head
* The customers are not allowed to pay with old hair


June 10, 11:00 a.m.

For sale

Facial hair

* Mustache, chin, sideburns, eyebrows, I've got it all
* Priced by the hair


Call for pricing list
Booboo  555-3232

Services

Need a photograph or drawing of Joe Maglio?


Donna Maglio 555-7732

Casting Call

The Dermorris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming play, Xavier!


- Coach Drury
- Les the Talking Postage Stamp
- Dream Bernice
- Power Forward Fred
- Octopus Girl/Octopus Girl alter-ego Carla Saunders
- Dream Teddy
- Tamika the Tap-Dancing Turnip
- Sawdust Sam and the Termites band manager Lonnie Craig


* We're also looking for someone who can talk an old lady down from a ladder *


Auditions are June 11 from 3:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at Dermorris - 650 Schlameel Avenue, Plumptin

Meetings

McElroy High School yearbook staff
June meeting


On the agenda:

* “Most likely to drink a container of antifreeze” is not a senior superlative
* No student is allowed to pose for their class picture with a zoo animal
* It doesn’t matter how many pictures they send, there is no such thing as the No Pants Club


June 2, 3:30 p.m. in room 283

Announcements

* Envelope Plant tour/taste tests now available
555-6112 for tickets

* My spaceship has been built and I'm taking it out for the first time. Those interested in joining me, space is limited. (Ladies only). Carl 555-8109

* DVD for sale: Curtain Malfunction of the Opera
Boris 555-4100

* Linda, please bring back my towel. I need it to dry myself.
Marlene 555-2887

For sale

Lettuce core





$11
Andy 555-2338

Bobby Turns 3

Services

Need beds slept in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995