March 31, 2011


Need someone pushed out of the way?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

March 30, 2011


Enik, Fielder & Roberson Law Offices

"We put the 'aw' back in 'law offices'"

* Cruelty to phone books
* Impersonating a police motorcycle
* Wrongful fork massaging
* P.U.I. (plubbering under the influence)
* Receiving stolen toast
* Goldfish taunting
* Wheelbarrow foreclosure

Call for rates and availability

March 29, 2011

For sale


* Human, dog available

$1 each
Brendon  555-6122


A Novel Concept book club
April meeting

Books to discuss:

* Hedge Trimming, Interrupted - Corrine Agular
* Idiot's Guide To Moving Out Of The Way - Ed. Thomas Lyle
* I Name My Wrist Hairs Now - Gerald Twoll Jr.

April 5, 4:00 p.m. at Gwen's condo

March 28, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's slice a piece of crazy out of your forearm"

* The voices inside your wrist watch
* "I hate my daughter's cursive 'r'"
* Extension cord tattoo regret
* Excessive air pinching
* Fear of talking envelopes
* "I make beef stew, then I pour it into my slippers"

Call for rates and availability
Candace 555-8179

March 27, 2011

For sale

Vinyl record singles

Lawnmowin' With The Devil - Vince Haley
I Saw Mommy Shaving Santa Claus - Peggy Cliff
The Skin Infection From New York City - Mossy People
Fork Lift To Heaven - The Ernies

$4 each
Bob 555-2323

March 26, 2011

For hire

Human umbrella for hire

"I'll walk next to you on the street and/or sidewalk and cover you with my arms".

- Jason

(Jason)  555-4291


The Brewer County 35+ baseball team has been selected!

2011 roster:

* returning player

1. Jablonski Tershaw
2. Walter Ku*
3. C'rshon Addelsby
4. Salami Martin
5. Lewis Derwood*
6. Wilmer Ku*
7. Noodles Murdock
8. Miles Pershack
9. Orson Bittles
10. Esteban Quinones
11. Kurtis Christmas*
12. Mookie Morris*
13. Mariano Mejia
14. Zaquavius Bimley*
15. Schlofko

First practice: April 3, 6:00 p.m. at Field 8

March 25, 2011


Advice Lady for hire

* Don't pour nail polish remover on your pasta
* You sneeze on it, you buy it
* Wearing a neck tie into the shower
* You can't take an ice cream scooper to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with soy sauce
* Don't make a garden salad out of a molehill

Call for rates and availability
Heather 555-8817

March 23, 2011


What the Book? reading group
Spring meeting

Books to discuss:

* Of Lice and Many Many Men - Nikita Swain
* The Idiot's Guide to the Fork - Ed. Patty Paulsen

March 24, 5:00 p.m. at Ernie & Janet's townhouse

March 22, 2011

For sale

2011 calendars


* Girls of Pointing at Lettuce Magazine
* 12 Months of Water Fountains (missing June)
* Singing wall calendar (includes international hits "Why Lie, it's July" and "Is it October Yet?")


* 365 Days of Cabbage
* Jeremy Lindon Fact-a-Day (2010)

$4 each
Penny  555-9927

March 21, 2011

TV listings

Check out WMOR's new Monday schedule!


Convenience Store - 8:00 p.m.
Laphonso's managerial skills are put to the test when a customer asks where are the corn chips.

Knitting With The Stars - 9:00 p.m.
Darryl and singer Peggy Cliff's sweater impresses the judges, while Vanessa and football player Tayshon Adler misinterpret a popcorn stitch and accidentally make Christmas tree decorations.

America's Got Dandruff - 10:00 p.m.
Lauren is caught stealing the dandruff off Ronald's shoulder and team 6 has to spend a night in the shampoo pits.

LATE-NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.

Slippered Man Walking

6:10 a.m. - Kenny and Marjorie Sing the News


Krayton Middle School
Faculty meeting

On the agenda:

* Spelling tests can no longer include curse words
* A field trip to the tattoo parlor is not educational
* To yearbook supervisor Mrs. McCarthy: no matter how many photos are sent, there's no such thing as the tongue ring club

March 21, 7:00 a.m. in the teacher's lounge

March 20, 2011


Ernie County Jaguars youth basketball
Postseason team banquet - March 26 at Derwood Ballroom

6:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by Celery Sock Revival
7:10 p.m. - Speech by coach Baker: "Some of you will not be welcomed back next season"
8:00 p.m. - Dinner

* Lettuce
* Water

9:00 p.m. - Awards ceremony

- Ugliest legs
- Worst free throw
- Most annoying grandmother
- 2011 Falldown Award

10:00 p.m. - Let's hide assistant coach Dunbar's car keys
10:10 p.m. - Silent auction benefiting the S.R.A.S.A. (Society to Raise Awareness of Silent Auctions)

11:30 p.m. - Begin police escort to bottom floor maintenance closet
12:00 a.m. - Begin police escort to parking lot

Derwood Ballroom - 4503 Harvey Grove Lane, Kaynesport

March 19, 2011


Need Joe Maglio removed from your front lawn?

Nancy Maglio 555-8885

March 18, 2011

For sale


* Brand-new
* Pot of mashed potatoes at the end sold separately

Robert 555-6211

March 17, 2011


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #128
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to take home the napkin dispensers
* Please do not perform dental work at the drive thru window

March 18, 11:00 a.m.

March 16, 2011


For sale

Portions of phone book

* C-J available for Plumptin County
* Free insurance company refrigerator magnet with purchase
* Appeared in the 2011 documentary Calling Mark Henley

$8 or best offer
Maude  555-6460

March 15, 2011

For sale

Banana piece

$3 or best offer
Kenny 555-7101

* Hurry, Travis is interested *

Police Report

Wilbert Early
Age: 33
Pants: Light brown chorduroy

March 14 - Mr. Early was arrested when he violated his restraining order and came within 500 feet of a giraffe costume.

Previous arrests:

January, 2004 - Possession of over 100 shampoo-filled envelopes with intent to distribute.

March, 1995 - Arrested for refusing to remove his banana peel head dress and mumu in a government building. He was also charged with not exiting his wheelbarrow in a timely manner.

Bail: $24

March 14, 2011

For sale

Landscaping bill

* $74.20 owed
* I'm on my front lawn at 67 Delwood Avenue, Kaynesport, right by the mailbox
* Your choice of either a fire ant hill or clump of grass free with purchase

Thomas 555-6118

March 13, 2011

For lease

Historic building in downtown Plumptin County is available for lease

Previous inhabitants:

* M.A.T.H. (Mothers Against Teenage Hiccuping) headquarters (2008-2010)
* Museum of Tattered Napkins (2002-2008)
* Raccoon Obedience School (1984-2001)
* We Need a Roof fundraiser (1983-1984)
* Make Your Own Ice Cubes Store (1982-1983)

Derwood Reality 555-2323

March 12, 2011

For sale

Gas cap

* Gas tank, car sold separately
* Interesting trades for rear view mirrors considered

Roy 555-3981

March 11, 2011


Sam's Sub Shop
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

1:00 pm. - 1:15 p.m
The customers are not allowed to use their own bread

1:15 p.m - 1:25 p.m
There's no such thing as a reaching into your pocket tax

March 14

March 10, 2011

Casting call

The Derwood Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Regarding Me and Paco.

- Young Paco
- Todd Legler
- Spicy mustard dunk tank operator Clem Murdock
- Dream Beth
- Voice of yodeling cupcake
- Evil Todd
- Earwax The Clown
- Dan: half-man, half-pine cone

* We're also looking for an actor to portray Moses, but in a walrus costume *

Auditions are March 19 from 11:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. at Derwood Playhouse: 450 Venley Avenue, Kaynesport


Advice Man for hire

* Don't put ketchup in your ginger ale
* Only wear one pair of pants at a time
* Don't practice the guitar while showering
* You chew it, you buy it

Call for rates and availability
Matthew 555-7672

March 9, 2011

For sale

Used books

The Adventures of Ernie Peanutbutter (#6: Escape from the Orthodontist) - Valerie Shaw
Murray Wilkins Bible (Funky Testament) - Wilkins Publishing
Birdhouse, Interrupted - Horace Xavier
The Encyclopedia of Deserted Shopping Carts - Chocolate House Publishing

$5 each
Kent 555-4484

March 8, 2011

Brand-new Bobby T-Shirts™

Morris praying (Celery Sock collection)

$10 each to order

March 7, 2011


Henderson High School yearbook staff
March meeting

Items to discuss:

* "Most likely to repeat the 12th grade" is not a senior superlative
* No matter how many times they submit photos, there is no such thing as the Wine Cooler Club

March 8, 3:45 p.m.

March 6, 2011


Need to coax an old man down from a chandelier?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

March 5, 2011


Kaynesport Elementary School
Faculty meeting

On the agenda:

* A trip to off-track betting is not educational
* Please don't encourage the students to eat chalk
* The firing and de-masking of The Lettuce Avenger/Coach Fleming

March 7, 8:00 a.m. in the lounge

March 4, 2011

For sale

Pizza crust

* Brown
* Perfect for pizza crust sword fights
* Rest of piece available by request

Marshawn 555-0081

** Hurry, Rick is interested **

March 3, 2011

Award winner

2011 Build Your Dream House: 11th place

Congratulations to C.J., Joe, Qwayshon and the rest of the team.

- D. Morris

March 2, 2011


The Plumptin Cobras Baseball
Additions to promotional calendar

May 3 - Deodorant Day
May 7 - Bring Your Pelican to the Park
June 18 - Pizza Box Night
July 22 - Mark "Band Aid" Beckley Autographed Band Aid
August 4 - Throw Cabbage at the Manager's Son

Call 555-4401 for tickets

March 1, 2011

For sale


- Blue w/soy sauce stains
- Flying tape dispensers
- "Talk to the tie"
- Laughing nostrils (batteries not included)
- Who Won't Drown?! cast head shots (autographed)

$2 each
Greg 555-0081