December 31, 2012


We saw each other in downtown Kaynesport last New Year's Eve, right before the artichoke dropped.

I was trying to remove a pencil from my leg and there was blood everywhere. You came up to me and said "that doesn't look right." I didn't understand the joke, but I do now.

If you want to rekindle the passion and desire we felt that night, meet me in front of Kaynesport Pharmacy at 10:30 p.m. and you can join me in my annual countdown to 11:00.


December 30, 2012


Need to check the temperature of sink or bath water?

Tired of Joe Maglio coming over, checking the temperature and then either washing his hands and/or taking a bath?

You have other options.

Beverly Maglio  555-9995

* Free autographed picture of Joe Maglio with service agreement *

December 29, 2012

For sale

Corn niblets

* 57 available

$.15 per niblet or ask about our price for entire lot
Ernie  555-3232

December 28, 2012

For sale

Used hardcover books

* Book of Tarantula Names: Boys
* Charlie's Little Brother, Trevor and the Sugar Free Gum Factory
* Illustrated History of the Rain Puddle: Volume 11, 1962-1968

$4 each
Beverly  555-8817

December 27, 2012


Pau's Pizza Pauice
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of shrugging, Mr. Sheldon
* Please do not sell counterfeit handbags at the drive thru
* Paper clips are not a topping

December 28, 11:00 a.m.

December 26, 2012

For sale

Chicken bone

* Rare *

Mick  555-3881

December 25, 2012

For rent


* Dozens of uses
* Appeared in the filming of the hit motion picture Dances With Office Furniture

Danielle  555-7466

December 24, 2012

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when kids turn to the streets and start eating fences.

Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.

December 23, 2012

For sale


* Over three pounds available
* Interesting trades for mud considered

Call for pricing list
Stanley  555-3341

December 22, 2012


Mayo King Fast Food - Store #53
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The customers' socks are not acceptable places for to-go food
* There's no such thing as a wearing white sneakers tax
* Forcing customers to compete in a 20-yard dash to receive an extra condiment packet was not on the training video

December 23, 10:00 a.m.

December 21, 2012


Need to find a contact lens?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

December 20, 2012

For rent


* White w/blue bristles
* Dried clump of toothpaste on handle (* rare *)
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Who Wants To Brush My Aunt's Teeth?

$4/half hour
Sarah 555-3300

December 19, 2012


What The Book? reading group
December meeting

Books to discuss:

* A Child Called "Kneecap"
* Illustrated History of People Pointing At Leaves
* Idiot's Guide To Picture Frames

December 22, 1:00 p.m. at Stanley's condo

December 18, 2012


The 1st annual Radish Toss has been scheduled for January 9, 2013!

* Part of the filming of the upcoming motion picture Salad, Interrupted

Pre-order tickets: 555-8845

December 17, 2012

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when shopping carts turn to a life in the bushes.

Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.

December 16, 2012


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #38
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* The complimentary napkins are not to be sold out of the drive-thru window
* As a precautionary measure, we're turning off the cheese sticks frier until Vanessa's index finger turns up
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "dumbest broad/dude in town"

December 17, 9:30 a.m.

December 15, 2012

For rent

Couch space

* Must provide own cushions *

$11/half hour
Jenna  555-3977

December 14, 2012


Handy-man for hire

I provide a number of odd jobs, including:

* Personal shrugger
* Waving at falling snowflakes/raindrops
* Flip flops 101
* Dishwashing detergent taster
* "Let's roller skate over to that guy and lick his elbows"
* Shouting insults at ceiling fans
* Apricot pit appraiser

Call for rates and availability
Irwin  555-0382

December 13, 2012

Item found


Found Tuesday on the sidewalk. It's hard when a family loses a fork, and he must be scared and lonely without the other silverware.

Brenda and Alex  555-4488

Reward money?

December 12, 2012

For sale

Cups of gravel

* Available in three, six and nine-ounce paper cups
* Perfect stocking stuffer
* Other item available: crushed leaves

Call for pricing list

December 11, 2012

For sale

Used play scripts

Watch Tan Line of a Salesman
Guys & Doll Accessories
Celery Sock: The Musical
The Water Fountain of the Opera

$4 each
Helen 555-3310

December 10, 2012

For sale

Salamander (Rex) and frog (Pete Jr.)

We've grown apart. It's time for all of us to start over.

$3 each or both for $5
Pete 555-9003

December 9, 2012


Need socks taken off/new socks put on?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

December 8, 2012

For rent

Bow tie

$4/half hour
Garrett  555-2992

* Hurry, Murray is interested *

December 7, 2012



* Missing since Tuesday
* Last seen being rinsed off in sink of upstairs bathroom
* Reward toothpaste offered

Gail and Marty  555-7882

December 6, 2012

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when brooms get mixed up with the wrong group of trees.

Call 555-8343 to find out how you can make a difference in a young mop, rake or broom's life.

December 5, 2012

For sale

1/2 pancakes

* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Breakfast Buffet: All Stars
* Plastic fork (white), missing two prongs, sold separately

$3.50 each
Belinda & Charlie  555-2982

December 4, 2012


Herling, Vonway & Merwood

* Impersonating a phone booth
* Silverware profiling
* Following too closely to a squirrel while balancing on your head a turkey sandwich
* Resisting a bird's nest
* Leaving the scene of a quesadilla

Call for rates and availability

December 3, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Don't support potato internment camps.

On Tuesday, Vote "YES" on proposition 573.

December 2, 2012


Ice cube maker for hire

* Over 30 years of experience
* Have six trays and eleven small, paper cups

Call for prices and availability
Clarke  555-3228

** Must provide own water **

December 1, 2012

For sale

Haboote Shershon autographed styrofoam cup

* Personalized to "Coby"
* Comes with about three ounces of diet cola

Gerald  555-6500

** Hurry, Coby is interested **