Disconnections

We saw each other in downtown Kaynesport last New Year's Eve, right before the artichoke dropped.

I was trying to remove a pencil from my leg and there was blood everywhere. You came up to me and said "that doesn't look right." I didn't understand the joke, but I do now.

If you want to rekindle the passion and desire we felt that night, meet me in front of Kaynesport Pharmacy at 10:30 p.m. and you can join me in my annual countdown to 11:00.


Stan

Services

Need to check the temperature of sink or bath water?

Tired of Joe Maglio coming over, checking the temperature and then either washing his hands and/or taking a bath?

You have other options.


Beverly Maglio  555-9995


* Free autographed picture of Joe Maglio with service agreement *

For sale

Corn niblets

* 57 available


$.15 per niblet or ask about our price for entire lot
Ernie  555-3232

For sale

Used hardcover books

* Book of Tarantula Names: Boys
* Charlie's Little Brother, Trevor and the Sugar Free Gum Factory
* Illustrated History of the Rain Puddle: Volume 11, 1962-1968


$4 each
Beverly  555-8817

Meetings

Pau's Pizza Pauice
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of shrugging, Mr. Sheldon
* Please do not sell counterfeit handbags at the drive thru
* Paper clips are not a topping


December 28, 11:00 a.m.

For sale

Chicken bone

* Rare *


$8
Mick  555-3881

For rent

Chair

* Dozens of uses
* Appeared in the filming of the hit motion picture Dances With Office Furniture


$11/hour
Danielle  555-7466

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when kids turn to the streets and start eating fences.

Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.

For sale

Sand

* Over three pounds available
* Interesting trades for mud considered


Call for pricing list
Stanley  555-3341

Meetings

Mayo King Fast Food - Store #53
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The customers' socks are not acceptable places for to-go food
* There's no such thing as a wearing white sneakers tax
* Forcing customers to compete in a 20-yard dash to receive an extra condiment packet was not on the training video


December 23, 10:00 a.m.

Services

Need to find a contact lens?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For rent

Toothbrush

* White w/blue bristles
* Dried clump of toothpaste on handle (* rare *)
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Who Wants To Brush My Aunt's Teeth?


$4/half hour
Sarah 555-3300

Meetings

What The Book? reading group
December meeting

Books to discuss:

* A Child Called "Kneecap"
* Illustrated History of People Pointing At Leaves
* Idiot's Guide To Picture Frames


December 22, 1:00 p.m. at Stanley's condo

Announcements

The 1st annual Radish Toss has been scheduled for January 9, 2013!

* BYOR
* Part of the filming of the upcoming motion picture Salad, Interrupted


Pre-order tickets: 555-8845

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when shopping carts turn to a life in the bushes.

Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #38
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* The complimentary napkins are not to be sold out of the drive-thru window
* As a precautionary measure, we're turning off the cheese sticks frier until Vanessa's index finger turns up
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "dumbest broad/dude in town"


December 17, 9:30 a.m.

For rent

Couch space

* Must provide own cushions *


$11/half hour
Jenna  555-3977

Services

Handy-man for hire

I provide a number of odd jobs, including:

* Personal shrugger
* Waving at falling snowflakes/raindrops
* Flip flops 101
* Dishwashing detergent taster
* "Let's roller skate over to that guy and lick his elbows"
* Shouting insults at ceiling fans
* Apricot pit appraiser


Call for rates and availability
Irwin  555-0382

Item found

Fork

Found Tuesday on the sidewalk. It's hard when a family loses a fork, and he must be scared and lonely without the other silverware.


Brenda and Alex  555-4488


Reward money?

For sale

Cups of gravel

* Available in three, six and nine-ounce paper cups
* Perfect stocking stuffer
* Other item available: crushed leaves


Call for pricing list
555-3998

For sale

Used play scripts

Watch Tan Line of a Salesman
Guys & Doll Accessories
Celery Sock: The Musical
The Water Fountain of the Opera


$4 each
Helen 555-3310

For sale

Salamander (Rex) and frog (Pete Jr.)



We've grown apart. It's time for all of us to start over.


$3 each or both for $5
Pete 555-9003

Services

Need socks taken off/new socks put on?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For rent

Bow tie

$4/half hour
Garrett  555-2992

* Hurry, Murray is interested *

Missing

Toothbrush

* Missing since Tuesday
* Last seen being rinsed off in sink of upstairs bathroom
* Reward toothpaste offered


Gail and Marty  555-7882

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when brooms get mixed up with the wrong group of trees.

Call 555-8343 to find out how you can make a difference in a young mop, rake or broom's life.

For sale

1/2 pancakes

* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Breakfast Buffet: All Stars
* Plastic fork (white), missing two prongs, sold separately

$3.50 each
Belinda & Charlie  555-2982

Services

Herling, Vonway & Merwood
Attorneys-at-law


* Impersonating a phone booth
* Silverware profiling
* Following too closely to a squirrel while balancing on your head a turkey sandwich
* Resisting a bird's nest
* Leaving the scene of a quesadilla


Call for rates and availability
555-9339

Public Service Announcement

Don't support potato internment camps.

On Tuesday, Vote "YES" on proposition 573.

Services

Ice cube maker for hire

* Over 30 years of experience
* Have six trays and eleven small, paper cups


Call for prices and availability
Clarke  555-3228

** Must provide own water **

For sale

Haboote Shershon autographed styrofoam cup

* Personalized to "Coby"
* Comes with about three ounces of diet cola


$8
Gerald  555-6500

** Hurry, Coby is interested **