Help wanted

I need someone who can talk an old man out of a giant pile of leaves.

Must own either a broom or pool skimmer and have things of value to trade for leaves.


Hank  555-4014

Meetings

Car pool to work
Pre-2014 meeting

January 1, 8:30 a.m. in Corinne's driveway, next to her station wagon


Inspirational CD/portable CD player: Robert
Practice coffee: Hillary


* We'll also be filming several scenes for our new documentary 15 Minutes To Toll Plaza so please already be in makeup when you arrive.

For sale

Movies on VHS

* Orthopedic Back Pillow of a Salesman
* My Best Friend's Welding
* 4:30, Part 2
* Towed Vehicle at the Opera


$5 each or all four for $15
Mandy  555-4887

Events

Countdown to 2014 begins tonight at 11:00 p.m. at my place - 380 Feathers Blvd., Kaynesport.

* Ladies only *


Call for directions, among other things
Pete  555-3991

Services

Need someone to hold your place in a book?

Two options: I can either put my finger inside and close the book, or turn the book over and supervise the situation


- Five minutes or less: $4/book
- More than five minutes: $6/book

Terrence Maglio  555-7885

Services

Wrapping paper disposal service

* All of your wrapping paper eaten in 10 minutes or less or it's free!


Call for rates and availability
Gus & Tracy  555-6635

For sale

Wood

$7 each or all 27 pieces for $150
Roger  555-2110

** Ask about our payment plans **

Public Service Announcement

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Just Buy Me Something! - season 7
* Foot Stool Swap - seasons 1 & 2 (three-disc set)
* Are You Missing More Teeth Than A Second-Grader? - season 5
* Bowling Alleys: Buffalo
* Watch Me Drink Windshield Washer Fluid - final season


$5 each
Kenneth & Melinda  555-3993

Item found

Work ID badge

I recently found an ID badge in my mailbox.

I've been using it at work the last few days and asking everyone to call me John Cheatwood. It's been alright (I even appeared on a TV documentary being filmed at our office called Johns), but this new guy in the office, Stewart Cheatwood, said he knows I'm a fake Cheatwood and if I keep it up he'll tell the boss.

I feel like maybe being a Danny for a while anyway.

If the badge is yours, give me a call. No reward money is necessary, but I wouldn't mind a trade for some cough drops.


555-8711

Public Service Announcement

Openings

Ice Cube Museum & Tasting Tour
Grand re-opening!

* New exhibits featuring some of the oldest living ice cubes
* Tasting tours every 20 minutes: sample ice cubes from all over the world!
* History of Ice Cube Wars walking tour
* Ice cube tray photograph keepsakes: have your face superimposed on a set of cubes
* Glasses of iced tap water (complimentary)


And much more!
Call for museum hours and tickets: 555-7743

Obituary

Poog Cronin
1937-2013

Our beloved Poog, who presided over the first shampoo bottle-loofah sponge wedding in his bathroom, died doing what he loved: lying in a kiddie pool of grape juice. A political activist, Mr. Cronin was one of the leading advocates of S.P.C.M.L. (Separation of Pillow Cases and Meat Loaf) and the 1960s radical group What Time Is It Going To Be In 10 Minutes?!

Poog also was an early-round judge on the reality TV show Paul, Cut Your Toe Nails!

Played trumpet in the jazz quintet Oyster Ear and was part of the group's farewell show at a winter, 1993 benefit to raise awareness of snow.

Funeral services are set for Saturday at 5:00 p.m., then we're off to Tommy's Pub for movie trivia.

For rent

Are you looking for a place to stand?

Stand on some of my leaves.

$11/half hour
Dwayne  555-0771


"You won't find a better deal anywhere."

- Dwayne

Services

If someone sitting in YOUR seat?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

Missing

Lettuce

We've lost some more lettuce, missing since Saturday. He's never been away from the salad bowl and he's probably frightened and cold.

Reward salad dressing offered.


Bianca & Chris 555-6515

Featured works

This month's Bobby Classifieds Featured Works is graffiti artist UNTO

UNTO exhibition now through January 8 at Kaynesport Gallery - 310 Derwood Street, downtown

For hire

Freelance Santa Claus for hire

* Since 1992

- Stand-in mall Santa (1992-present)

As lead Santa:

- Furniture liquidation parking lot (1992-present)
- Museum Of Snowman Casualties (2003-2007)
- Cell Phone Emporium grand opening (December, 2008)
- Played "Santa Claus"/"Mike Harrison" in 2001 made-for-TV-movie Santa In The Attic

* I have my regular Santa beard/hat look as well as two other looks: Goatee & Wool Hat Santa & Clean-Shaven w/ Eye Patch Santa
* Along with regular fee, must provide bus fare reimbursement


Dale  555-2110

For sale

Shrimp shells

$.20 each or $2.75 for all 15
Max  555-3999


"You can't pass up this deal."

- Max

Public Service Announcement

Disconnections

We were both in line at the post office the other day and I was trying to see how many shipping labels I could fit into my mouth.

I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.

Which of my ears was blood coming out of, right or left?


Jerry  555-7118

For sale

Doof Daniels' autographed ball




* Comes with a paper towel of authenticity


$400
Harold 555-6796

Services

Need walls stared at and/or pointed at?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

Opportunities

Adopt a portion of my carpet

* Close proximity to my dresser
* Appeared in the reality TV show Where Are My Contact Lenses?!
* One human child (age 4) available for adoption as well


Call 555-0003 for more information

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior Jesus Christ appeared in a rain puddle on my driveway.

There is also a brown, pebble-like substance beneath Jesus' nose that we believe is a sign of the lord blessing us.


* $300 per viewing
* Jesus puddles also available in jars or plastic bags
* Viewings available now through the end of December


615 Shalderon Avenue, Plumptin

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Bag Boys: Portland
* We're Living in the Bathtub! - season 2
* Countdown to 9:45 p.m.: Shreveport
* Let's Glue Things to That Old Man - final season


$5 each
Kenneth  555-0022

Item found

I found the exact location of the sewer.

Here's the first clue:

If you'd like to receive the rest of the clues, come to a meeting at my house.

December 9, 7:00 p.m. - 410 Biagioni Street, Kaynesport

Meetings

Friends of Vanessa Lynch
Winter meeting

On the agenda:

* Vanessa's new stick of deodorant: Q&A
* Vanessa doesn't like cherry soda anymore
* Where we can spend our Vanessa Bucks, where we can't


December 7, 4:00 p.m. at Juan's condo

Missing

For sale

Christmas tree needles

$.75 each or $100 for all 315
Jake  555-4409

Services

In a grocery store checkout line and need someone to collect your change and hand it to you?


Ken  555-9118