June 30, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Adult Roller Hockey Wives - Final season w/deleted scenes
* Let's Glue Things To Linda
* Sleep Apnea Mask Swap - Season 1
* Nadine Island
* Middle School Gym Teachers: Hartford

$8 each
Erin  555-6881

June 29, 2013

For rent

Plastic cup

Joe  555-4228

** All-you-can-drink hose water coupon free with rental agreement **

June 27, 2013


Handy man for hire

I can perform a variety of odd jobs, including:

* Avocado pit appraiser
* Wearing a poncho and galoshes into the shower: a tutorial
* Personal nodder
* Giving individual names to all of the staples in your stapler
* Filling the bath tub with bird seed
* Welcome mats: Q&A
* "Let's ride our bicycles over to that lady and chew on her ears"
* Filling the bath tub with taco shells AND bird seed

Call for rates and availability
Chuck  555-6019

June 26, 2013


Is someone claiming you filled their mailbox with apple sauce then fled the scene?
Have you had trouble with thumb tacks evasion? 

Were you caught giving dance lessons to a house plant while wearing a possum mask?

Are you literally being framed?

Holland, Beazer & Rondo Law Offices
Call for hourly rates  555-6647

June 25, 2013

For sale

Two coupons

* $.60 off shampoo
* $.40 off 12-ounce bottle of soy sauce
* Both are quite rare

$7 for the pair or $4 each
Janice  555-8924

June 24, 2013


Men Without Shoes
Summer meeting

On the agenda:

* Seriously, what happened to all of our shoes?
* Last Friday's date night with the Women Without Mouthwash: what went wrong
* Meet-and-greet with 2013's honorary member, Donavan Lyle-the man without feet

July 1, 7:30 p.m. near the mailboxes at Ernie's apartment complex

June 23, 2013


I'm looking to purchase 40 staples for a project I'm working on.

Will pay as much as $.05 for each staple.

Jill  555-8775

June 22, 2013


Advice lady for hire

* What not to shout at an elementary school play
* Wearing a full football uniform into the shower
* Don't brush your teeth with mayonnaise
* Goldfish don't eat pretzels
* You can't take a mouse trap to a gun fight
* Don't pressure wash your back porch with salsa
* Making an omelet out of a molehill

Call for rates and availability
Maureen  555-4221

June 21, 2013

For sale

Ant farm

* 51 ants still alive
* Appeared in the reality TV show Did You Have To Bring Your Ant Farm?

$1 per ant or $45 for entire farm
Eddie  555-3229

June 20, 2013


Kaynesport Historical Society
Summer kick off meeting

On the agenda:

* Historic events Q&A: The Battle of Kaynesport Historical Society Restrooms of 2010
* We still need volunteers for the August 25th grand opening of the Museum of No Air Conditioning

June 25, 5:00 p.m. at the Ventor Blvd. headquarters building

June 19, 2013


My work ID badge

Last seen Monday attached to my belt.

I've already been called 'Gene' by two different co-workers. I think it may be because of the badge. Any information, please give me a call. 

* Reward office supplies offered *

Gino  555-8834

June 18, 2013


Need someone in front of you in a grocery checkout line removed?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

June 17, 2013

For hire

Graffiti artist for hire

* Voted "Best 'A'" 2009-2011

Call for rates and availability
Tana  555-6649

"You won't be disappointed."

- Tana, 5/3/13

June 16, 2013

For sale

Used books

- Blindfolds For Dummies
- The Ultimate Guide To This Book
- Championship Prison Miniature Golf Teams
- Egg Salad Sandwich, Interrupted

$4 each
Claire  555-9177

June 15, 2013


I'm looking to buy a left-footed sneaker, preferably a size 10 men's.

Will pay as much as $6 or, if interested, the equivalent in losing scratch-off lottery tickets.

Adam  555-1678

June 14, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Get My Grandpa Down From There! - season 2 w/bonus disc
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Kaynesport Public Library
* Defibrillator Swap - season 4 w/outtakes
* Does Your Little Brother Have To Be Here? - season 1
* Bag Boys: Cincinnati

$7 each
Bethany  555-3391

June 13, 2013

For rent

Refrigerator space

I've got a small corner in the back of my refrigerator available if you need to store some food and/or drink.

* Refrigerator is in close proximity to ceiling leak 3
* For a limited time, 1/2 head of lettuce available with rental agreement

Greg  555-2201

June 12, 2013


Need letters typed on your computer?

* A-through-H: $.30 each
* I-through-V: $.45 each
* And coming July, 2013: W-through-Z and the numbers 4, 7 & 8

Moe Jagglyo  555-7000

June 11, 2013

Personal ads

Door for home

Single, white door.

Been knocked on over 3,000 times (12 Halloweens on my resume) and my peep hole has been painted over, but I'm more than ready to be opened and closed.

Darryl  box 84972

Ice cube for freezer

Clear, about 45 minutes old. I have no problem being part of a group (drinks, ice packs).

I want to be in your freezer. Call me.

Crystal  box 33001

June 10, 2013

For sale

Oil change bill

* $29.95 due
* I'm at Tire Guys, store #38, at register six in an orange shirt and brown pants. I'll be waving.
* Free receipt/tire rotation coupon with purchase

$20 or best offer
Ted 555-2004

June 9, 2013

For hire

Gravel-eating contest champion for hire

* Won national titles in 1983, 1998 and 2004
* Must provide your own gravel
* Now also competitively eating sawdust & leaves

Call for prices and availability
Gus  555-3306

June 8, 2013


Stop & Stay Convenience Store 
Staff meeting 

On the agenda: 

* Please stop accepting hub caps as currency 
* What happened after Veronica tried to microwave the bottle of soda 
* We do not have a give a penny take a case of motor oil tray 

 June 10, 10:00 a.m.

June 7, 2013


The Lavellederwood Circus traveling freak show is coming to a town near you!

Check out our brand-new freaks:

* The acorn that can't speak
* The parakeet with no thumbs
* The blank piece of paper
* The brown-haired man
* The hubcap with no tire
* The goldfish who refuses to wear a rain coat
* The long-haired woman

Lavellederwood Circus
Call 555-2002 for schedule and tickets

June 6, 2013


Mustpay Groceries - Store #140
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* What's the code for avocados?
* Bag boys: no pulling on the customer's ears while they swipe their credit cards
* Orange juice does not and should not come with a prize inside

June 8, 10:00 a.m. in the break room

June 5, 2013


Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce
Prop bills to be voted on June 10

88 - Legality of nail polish remover on popcorn
97 - Vote YES to stop the Garrison family from getting a new roof
192 - Ban hiccuping on motorcycles
203 - Mosquito rights
246 - Separate but equal: leaves
355 - Ban the use of string instruments while riding a horse

Chamber of Commerce building - 425 Lyle Sherwood Lane, downtown

June 4, 2013


Need your lawn mowed?

Tired of Joe Maglio coming over, mowing for a few minutes, eating some of the grass and/or falling asleep on your lawn?

You have other options.

Vince Maglio  555-9995

* Free expired Joe Maglio chauffeur's license with service agreement *

June 3, 2013

For sale

Ice cube shaped like a boot

This extremely rare item was discovered in my freezer on Wednesday.

* Other rare ice cubes available:

- "Boat with no sail"
- "Ice cube pieces of the garage freezer"

Call for pricing list
Zelda  555-5574

June 2, 2013

For sale

Used video games

* Rear View Mirror Thief
* How Much Change Is In My Couch? The Video Game
* Paper Football 1994
* Waspnestbusters
* Prison Cafeteria 5: Dessert

$8 each
Greg  555-0081

June 1, 2013