April 30, 2011

Used car for sale

1993 Noyola Ernie

- 262,000 miles
- 1/2 of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich underneath passenger seat
- Used in the filming of the 2005 movie The Phantom of the Piano Recital
- Right headlight held on to car with masking tape (roll of tape: $3 OBO)

Kenny and Jenna 555-3919

April 29, 2011

For sale

Cucumber skins

5 for $1 or .15 each
Gavin 555-6782

April 28, 2011


Need your car's rear view mirror adjusted?

Joe Maglio 555-9995


Beefys Fast Food Hut - Store #72
Emergency staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Please do not give manicures at the drive thru window

April 30, 11:00 a.m.

April 27, 2011

Child for sale

Age: 9

Pluses: Gives Indian burns at a 4th grade level; got 76% on recent math test
Minuses: Picks other children's noses and eats whatever he finds
Best friend: Miles (magic penguin who lives in the fireplace)
Mortal enemy: Grandpa Wally
Claim to fame: Won 3rd place at 2009 Mashed Potato Sculpture Nationals
Secret shame: Can't multiple one times anything

$300 or best offer
Claire & Brendon 555-7191

For sale


Reality TV on DVD

* Brush My Cat's Teeth! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Watch Me Drink Shampoo?! - Season 3
* Let's Glue Things to Andy

Instructional videos on VHS

* Make Your Own Sandals With Randal
* Who Threw That At You, Day 5: Forgiveness

$4 each
Bobby 555-3232

April 26, 2011


Left to Right Book Club
May meeting

Books to discuss:

* The Girl With the Ceiling Fan Tattoo - Arthur Schmidt
* Sandcastle, Interrupted - Gail Colsen
* The Buffet After the Funeral of Ivan Ilyich - D.B. Vincent

May 1, 1:00 p.m. at Bernice's apartment

April 25, 2011


Church of Unpaved Parking Lot
Weekly prayer group

On the agenda:

* Father Jeffries: "we can not replace the communion wafers with bowls of chili"
* Our field trip to pew 6 has been moved to May 18
* Nowhere in the bible does it talk about "hanging out in front of the store"

April 26, 2:00 p.m.

April 24, 2011

For sale

Plastic surgery bill

* $1,400 owed
* I'm at the Feathers Clinic on Piso Lane in Plumptin, in the waiting room, and I'm the third closest to the window. I'll be tapping my hand on the empty seat next to me.
* Free nose pieces (if still available) with purchase

Connie  555-4733

April 23, 2011

For sale


* Autographed by Terell

Keisha  555-3643

For sale


* White
* Near-mint condition
* Handle sold separately

Veronica 555-3811

April 22, 2011

April 21, 2011

For sale

Charlie Vincent autographed lettuce

* RARE *

Danielle 555-8824

April 20, 2011


Need a door closed?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Used books

The Idiot's Guide to the Pencil - Ed. Marshall Lyons
Encyclopedia of Canceled Airline Flights - Chocolate House Publishing
Bologna in the Rye - Danielle Vincent
Max Pilford Bible (Fun Testament) - Max Pilford

$3 each
Bernie 555-9117

April 19, 2011


Happy Family Korean Restaurant
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting grade school children as currency no matter how often the father asks
* After Monday's incident, the soy sauce hose has been removed from the dining room

April 20, 11:30 a.m.

For sale

Apartment rent payment

- $340
- Due May 1
- Directions to leasing office included with purchase

$340 or the equivalent in mouse traps
Walt 555-4757

** Make checks payable to Woudlind Trace Apartment Complex **

April 18, 2011



Our beloved peach has gone missing.

Last seen Wednesday on the kitchen table, next to a napkin. Every since we'd brought him home from the farmer's market he'd never been on his own. We're very worried.

** Reward grapes offered **

Gail and Marty  555-7882

April 17, 2011


Kaynesport Community College
New classes offered!

Soup 101

- Carrying it around in your pants pockets
- Pre-requisite: The spoon

Survey: What's In My Couch

- Whose hair is that?
- What's edible, what isn't

Criminal Justice 202

- Putting your badge on after your shirt

Finding the Correct Classroom

- Pre-requisite: Finding the Correct Building

To register, call 555-2391

April 16, 2011

New Bobby t-shirts™

"Tree for sale"


email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order


The Soup Club - Balk County chapter
April meeting

On the agenda:

* Speech by former Kaynesport chapter president Harvey Elsington: "Don't eat soup with a knife."
* Ice cube soup: what went wrong
* Dip the crackers in the soup, not the other way around

April 17, 3:00 p.m. at Dana and Mark's townhouse

April 15, 2011

Job Board

Employment Opportunities

* Laundry detergent taste-testers wanted
Feathers Clinic 555-8985

* Wiener Dan's Fast Food - Store #47
Now hiring:

- Assistant manager in charge of nodding
- Metal detector supervisor
- Moldy hamburger/hot dog bun auctioneer


* Analyzing toilet bowl water futures
Plumptin Stock Exchange 555-7191

* Derwood Playhouse

- Flat Tire of a Salesman: auditions April 23, 1:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m.


* Donations needed

- Used napkins
- Leaves/leaf pieces
- Winks

Donation Center - 880 Delwood Ave., Kaynesport

* Meetings

Friends of Greg Wendell

- Field trip to Greg's high school gym locker has been moved to May 16

April 14, 2011

For sale


- Walter
- 31 legs
- Starred in the 2010 film 15 Miles to the Mailbox

$4 or best offer
Vance 555-3761

** Interesting trades for spider webs considered **
** Hurry, Brandon is interested **

April 13, 2011


Smile Chinese Restaurant
Grand opening!

Feature menu items:

* Eye of Bethleystar Choir Soup - cup: $3, bowl: $5
* Raccoon Fried Rice - $7
* Loaf-of-Crossing Guard (seasonal)
* Fried Rubb. Band - $6
* Yellow Flavor Chunk - 7 piece: $5

Smile You - 46 Chester Street, Vernon Valley

April 12, 2011


Friends of Odel Tanner
April meeting

On the agenda:

* Odel's new eggplant tattoo
* Who is driving Odel's mother to her dental appointment, April 29?
* 2011 Odelympics: what went wrong

April 15, 7:30 p.m. at Dan's apartment


Clock Watcher's Society - Kaynesport chapter
April meeting

On the agenda:

- When is it going to be 9:45?
- A minute hand isn't edible no matter how long you fry it
- When is it going to be 10:30?

April 14, 7:00 p.m. at Ernieberry apartment complex gazebo

April 11, 2011


Need couches sat on?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Who Won't Vomit?! - Season 2
* Prison Basketball: The Playoffs
* Watch Me Drink Puddle Water - Complete Series
* Get My Granny to Bingo! - Season 1
* Will You Go With My Daughter to the Prom? - Season 4 (w/rare deleted scenes)

Box sets - $10 each
Bradley 555-0322

April 10, 2011

Bobby T-shirts™

"I sold my car at the Bobby Classifieds"

$5 each
derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

April 9, 2011

Casting call

The Feathers Playhouse is looking for men and women to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Counting on Schlofko.

* Dream Anne
* Ralph: half-man, half-eggplant
* Pimples the clown
* Voice of singing lasagna
* Young Schlofko
* Reverend Eddie "Showtime" McIntyre
* Earthworm circus promoter
* Guy under the sink

** Also looking for someone who can talk a man down from the top of a curtain **

Auditions are April 16, 1:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. at Feathers Playhouse - 414 Ebeneezer Crossing, East Plumptin

April 8, 2011

For sale

Razor blade

* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Bleed?!

Paul  555-7801

April 7, 2011

Thursday classifieds

For sale

Half-eaten birthday cake


* Comes with an empty match book *

Arnold 555-0017

Home movies

* Turkey sandwich: a time line
* Grandpa Morris' "I don't need my pants and I don't need my teeth" song and dance (May, 2003)
* Branson Family Mustard Fight (June 10-11, 1994 with guest commentary by police chief Vanderells)

$10 each
Hillary 555-4538

Help wanted

Looking to buy a birthday cake.

Arnold 555-0017

April 6, 2011

For sale

Bumper stickers

"Celery Man is coming: look busy"
"How's my french fry tossing? 555-6619"
"Guns don't kill people, drinking dish washing detergent kills people"
"My child had his socks stolen at Wecksworth Elementary"

$2 each
Jeanette 555-8819

April 5, 2011


Quick Cuts Barber Shop
Stylists meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not have a drive thru
* Please stop allowing the customers to take home their chairs
* Hair Mountain is temporarily closed until the customer's ear turns up

April 6, 1:00 p.m.

April 4, 2011


Handy man for hire

"Let me handle all your odd jobs around the house"

* Apple core appraiser
* Shouting insults at kitchen appliances
* Pointing at leaves
* Yawn coach
* Shampoo taster
* Hug critic
* Gluing things to the elderly

Call for rates and availability
Steve 555-8818

April 3, 2011

For sale

1/2 tomato

* Red
* Other half sold separately
* Interesting trades for whole tomatoes considered

Horace  555-6881

For rent


* Perfect for sitting on
* Dead raccoon underneath cushion free with rental
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show How Much Change Is In My Couch?

Maureen 555-8660

April 2, 2011

New T-Shirts

"Who Beefed?"

$10 each

April 1, 2011

For sale


Vintage Pinecones (May, 1997)
Envelope Eater (March, 2002; August, 2002)
The Journal of Modern American Paper Cuts (January, 2004)
Toe Nail & Clipper (February, 1999)
Bread Pool Innovations (September, 2010; November, 2010; January, 2011)

$4 each
Bradley 555-3887