May 31, 2010

Art Contest Winner

Celery Sock™

Congratulations to the Torkelsons, who won the barrel of toenails and the $4 gift certificate to the Bobby Classifieds gift shop.

Hermans for sale

* Over 10,000 in stock *

- Now with 22% more goober
- Large-nostriled Hermans available

$12 each
HermanCo 555-7716

May 30, 2010


Bo Barfield's Rec Center
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Membership fees do not include fingers or toes
* There's no such thing as Punch Ball
* Why our soy sauce wrestling pit didn't work out

June 2, 11:00 a.m. at the center

May 29, 2010

For rent


* Just wheelbarrowed in *

- Now with 34% more head lice
- Perfect for nailings things to

WendellCo 555-6610

May 28, 2010

For sale

Bottle of water

* Half-full
* Corn chip at bottom free with purchase

Aaron 555-0109

May 27, 2010

For sale

Used vinyl records

Man in the Refrigerator - Ivan Caulfield Trio
(Countin' On) Walrus Folk - The Mossy People
Stairway to 3rd Floor - Forehead
Fire Ants on the Soles of their Shoes - R9

$5 each
Marge 555-4414

May 26, 2010


Kaynesport Cheetahs semi-pro basketball
Mid-season team meeting

Items to discuss:

* Adding sneezing to our zone defense strategy
* I know it was our first win, but the orange juice bath was not necessary
* Effective immediately, no pet over three pounds is allowed on the bench

May 28, 2:00 p.m. at new gymnasium

May 25, 2010

Casting call

The Morrwood Theater is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in our upcoming play, Mr. Guidry's Daughters:

* Claude Guidry
* Evil Amanda
* Carl the Yodeling Hoagie Roll
* Hiccup the Clown
* Dream Julio
* Ronald, Mayor of Penguin Town
* The Pine Cone Whisperer

** We also need actors to portray Jesus, but wearing a crocodile costume

Auditions are May 29-31 from 1:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. at our new theatre: 303 Pepano Court, Kaynesport

For sale

* Two tickets to Toupees On Ice *

- Mashed potato pit
- Free wheelbarrow parking pass included
- Good for the May 27 matinee

$55 for the pair
Donald 555-3226

May 24, 2010


The Bobby's 2nd birthday party is just a week away!

Schedule of events:

6:50 p.m. - National anthem performed by Salami Sandwich
7:00 p.m. - Cocktail bugs/lettuce juice
7:45 p.m. - Live taping of the hit reality TV show Celebrity Congestion Club
8:30 p.m. - Let's get Arnold Quinn drunk and steal/hide his pants
8:45 p.m. - Live auction

Some of the items up for bid:

* Staff writer Beverly Tiso's GET AWAY FROM ME IF YOU'RE IRISH coffee mug
* Double-sided photo copies of late-2009
* Auctioneer Nancy Wentworth

10:30 p.m. - Broccoli Dog unveiling

10:45 p.m. - Broccoli fight semi finals/finals
12:00 a.m. - Police escort to janitor's closet
12:20 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot

June 1 at the Delwood Ballroom



Need to give a name to a wheelbarrow?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

May 23, 2010

For rent


Gwen 555-8001

May 22, 2010

Child for sale

Age: 7

Favorite food: Whatever he finds in the fish tank
Pluses: Nose picks at a 3rd grade level
Claim to fame: Won 2009 neighborhood Mud Eating Contest
Secret shame: In a moment of panic before a tee-ball game, wore his underwear on his head and tried to eat his hat (July, 2008)

Jim & Margaret 555-2202

* Interesting trades for scented candles considered *

May 21, 2010

Thoughts for sale

Thoughts available at discounted rates. Find the one that's right for you.

* Who stapled a coaster to the back of my head?
* Giant loaves of bread invade Salami City
* Grandma Rose playing quarterback for the Chicago Bears
* Cocktail sauce is not an adequate substitute for unleaded gas
* I wonder how much my life would really change if I married my parakeet and moved into the oak tree

$10 each
Brandon 555-3353


Ear Enthusiasts
May meeting

Items to discuss:

* When things crawl out and run away
* Give Your Ears a Name 2010: why we have too many Keyshawns
* For this summer's Cartilage Camp, we still need deposits from Claire, Bryan and Olin

May 23, 1:00 p.m.

For sale


- $43,000 left to pay
- Comes in near-mint condition manila folder

Chuck & Valerie 555-3381

* Call in the next 30 minutes and receive one free six-year old *

May 20, 2010


Sal's Soup, Salad & Sandwich Shop
Grand opening!

Summer specials:

* Jerry Toe Salad
* Cream of Knuckle Soup
* Toasted Notepad on Wheat
* Wedge of Iceberg
* Aardvark Chowder
* ErnieSweat Soup

Owner's Special

* Sal's Sneaker Sandwich

Sal's - 410 Verner Crossing, Ookamondo Valley


Allergics Anonymous
Spring meeting

On the agenda:

* Please remain at home if you're allergic to pants
* Whatever happens into the tissue, stays in the tissue

May 22, 10:00 a.m. at Valerie's house

May 19, 2010

For sale

Used play scripts

Snowman on the Roof
Little Shop of Chewing Gum
The Ticket-Taker of the Opera

$2 each
Amanda 555-4477

May 18, 2010

For sale


* Autographed by Len Chesner
* Foot not included

$70 or best offer
Gary 555-2187

May 17, 2010


Betty's Buffet
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The mayonnaise hose is not for persons under the age of 16 unless they are accompanied by an adult
* Please stop accepting drawings of dollar bills as currency
* The customers are not allowed to take home their table

May 19, 2:30 p.m.

May 16, 2010

For rent


- Perfect for pants

Rodney 555-0061

** Buckle: separate rental **

May 15, 2010

Imaginary friend for sale

Mr. Flipper

* Favorite food: notebook paper
* Sleeps inside VCR
* Worst enemy: vacuum
* Has socks for ears

$8 or best offer
Patrick 555-3448

May 14, 2010

For sale

1 1/3 pieces of pizza

* Burnt and recently dropped in saw dust, but still good
* A penny and two cat hairs baked in

$3 each or $5 for both
Kirk 555-2332

May 13, 2010

Help Wanted

I'm looking for someone to help me get a six-year old out from underneath the couch. She went down there a week ago to try and find her imaginary friend, Danny, and to rescue her band aids before they became property of the rug.

I really need to vacuum, please, only serious assistant need apply.

Nadine 555-2333

May 12, 2010

For sale

Phone bill

- $87.19
- Was due May 3

Kenneth 555-4381

* Staple remover free with purchase *
* Hurry, many interested *

May 11, 2010

For sale


* Muenster
* Used in the filming of the March, 2010 home movie Cheese Scavenger Hunt (starring my neighbor, Paul as himself)
* Interesting trades for bread considered

$4 or best offer
Maurice 555-6519

May 10, 2010

For sale

Selling my old domain names. Great deals available.

$15 each
Leonard 555-2229

For sale

Empty cans of Travis Beer

* Several cans contain pieces of Gary teeth
* Perfect for Beer Can Chess

10 for $2
Garrett 555-4182

May 9, 2010


The Friends of Linda Glenford
Spring meeting

Items to discuss:

* Our "LASAGNA FACE LINDA" bumper stickers aren't selling well
* Linda's new eyelids
* FOLG Four-Year Flashback: May 12, 2006, the day we met Glenda Linferd

May 12, 2:00 p.m. at Kaynesport Country Club

May 8, 2010

Letter from the editor

The Sideburn Sandwich contest ended last weekend. We'll announce the winners, May 20.

Bobby's second birthday party is scheduled for June 1. For those attending the party/spicy mustard dunk tank finals/possum look-alike contest, please bring your own pants and bow tie.

- Derwood Morris

May 7, 2010

For sale


- Silver (rare)
- Quarters (2), nickels (2) and dimes (3)
- Received in change at Thursday matinee of Things we Lost in the Coleslaw

Ben 555-6860

* Ask about our payment plans *

May 6, 2010

For sale


Air Harmonica Enthusiast (June, 2003; July, 2003)
Journal of Modern American Elbow Dislocations (January, 1992)
Sneeze & Flee (March, 2000; August, 2000; February, 2001)
Shampoo Taster (September, 1997)

$5 each
Dave 555-4381

May 5, 2010

Home for sale


* Used in the filming of the 2008 movie A Hiccuper's Chance
* Priced to burst in flames

Open house: May 8, 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
422 Zimm Street, SW Kaynesport


Plumptin County Summer Baseball
Pre-season team meeting

Items to discuss:

* There is such a thing as eating too much infield dirt
* A pitching rubber is not a weapon
* After last season's "laughing pantyhose" incident, grandmothers are no longer allowed in the dugout

May 8, 7:30 p.m. at the midtown Beefy's Fast Food Hut

May 4, 2010

Help Wanted

Need a handy man to fix a window, and get an elderly woman out of a dishwasher.

Claire 555-6448

* Must be possum-friendly *

For sale


* Three toes in tact
* Once belonged to Harold Gafreda

Fran 555-6970

May 3, 2010

For sale

Vernon Caldwell autograph from '08 Foil Fest

* Perfect for the Ernie in your life

Ernie 555-3327

May 2, 2010

TV listings

WDER has announced its new Sunday lineup!


Who Wants to Kidnap my Goldfish? - 7:30 p.m.
Team Blue kidnaps Guppy, while Ryan gets Team Orange eliminated after mistakenly eating Fin and kidnapping the bowl.

Extreme Makeover: Goatee Edition - 9:00 p.m.
The crew finally gets the caramel out of Byron's goatee.

MOVIE NIGHT - 10:00 p.m.

Rebel without a Wristwatch

6:10 a.m. - Counting brussel sprouts with Linda

May 1, 2010


Advice Lady for hire

"Advice for a price"

* Throw away all your used band aids
* Don't put cocktail onions in your apple juice
* You can't take an armadillo to a gun fight
* Don't trust a mailman named Otto
* Don't put pine tar in your cereal

Call for rates and availability
Constance 555-7991


The Splits bowling team
Pre-season meeting

On the agenda:

* Please put on your bowling shoes after your socks
* Renting beer is not an option

May 5, 6:00 p.m. at Roryshine Lanes