February 28, 2010

Public Service Announcement

Help us keep the children away from the dead flowers

Vote "YES" on Proposition 515


The Cat Watchers
Spring meeting

Items to discuss:

* Litter box tutorial, part 7: don't glue the poo to your shoe
* What happened after Carlton lost to Mittens in arm wrestling
* Did anyone watch where Pepe hid Allen's toupee?

March 2, 4:00 p.m. at Allen's condo

February 27, 2010

For sale


* Flying Can Openers
* Smilin' Johnny Jamison tie (autographed)
* Orange
* Edible lasagna tie

$8 each
Ira 555-6111

February 26, 2010

For sale

Bread helmets

* Over 10,000 in stock in many different styles

- Able to withstand any butter hose attack
- Sourdough ear flaps available on most models

Call for pricing list
Jed's Breads 555-2200


Friends of Ken Blaymore
March meeting

On the agenda:

* Ken's new tube socks
* Should Ken have played more on his junior varsity tennis team? Q&A with Vernon Johnson High School coach Marty Quinn
* Who's going to tell Ken he has a piece of roast beef in his hair?
* FKB Time Machine: January 17, 2002, the day we met Ben Klaymore

March 1, 3:00 p.m. at Debbie & Mort's house

February 25, 2010


Dungson & Son Drive-in Theatre
Grand opening!

March movies:

Asparagus Actually
Dances with Worms
A Toe Nail to be Proud Of
The Greatest Onion Ever Sold

Dungson & Son - 14 Kaywood Circle, West Kaynesport

For sale

Mac "Fresh" Winfield autographed toilet paper roll

Rental price: $15/hour
Jack 555-5228

February 24, 2010

Pet personal ad

SGC. I just coughed up a few rubber bands and some green stuff. Give me a call, I've got a couple of lady bugs cornered-we could eat them, decide what we want to do with the rubber bands and green stuff and maybe pee in my owner's sneakers.

* Breath must smell like rotten eggs or worse

Bijou box 22107

House for rent

0 BR
1 BATH (w/clean-up hose)

* Used in the filming of the 1994 movie Puddles of Harvey Templeton
* Couch includes cheese sandwich and Grandma Harriet
* Windows/sinks sold separately

Danielle & Fred 555-4477

February 23, 2010

Doofus for sale

Age: 32

* Ranked No. 6 in the country by Big Doofus Magazine
* Won the Forehead Award and "Runniest Nose" at 2009 Facies
* Favorite song: I Gotta Pee, by The Dekimo Trio
* One ate a box of paper clips (October, 2003)

$35 or best offer
Carolyn 555-8003

New Bobby Toaster Ovens Available

Perfect for:

* Destroying raccoon evidence
* Toaster-sword fights
* Toaster bowling

$79.99 each
email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

February 22, 2010

For sale

Domain names for sale


$12 each
Bobby 555-2323

February 21, 2010

New album


Free ankle surveys

* Width
* "There's something maroon biting your ankle"
* Ankle-to-shin relationship advice

Call for availability
Maureen 555-2201

New cereal on sale


February 20, 2010

For sale

1/2 turkey sandwich

* Tomato slice sold separately *

Andy  555-2330


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #42
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* French fry grease is not a weapon
* Say hello to our new trap door head of security, Steven

February 22, 1:00 p.m.

February 19, 2010


Psychiatrist for hire

Specializing in:

* Fear of talking shoelaces
* The monsters inside your mustache
* "I hate my child's cursive W"
* Pipe cleaner envy
* There's an aardvark in my pants
* Fear of a coleslaw market crash

Call for rates and availability
Clarissa 555-4314


Need to get Joe Maglio out of your pool?

Denise Maglio 555-2882


The Derwood-Feathers Building is closing after 12 years.

Come help us say goodbye, February 27.

February 18, 2010

For sale

Used car

* 235,000 miles
* Blue w/dried ketchup racing stripes
* Missing back passenger side door, two back tires and steering wheel
* Piece of sausage pizza somewhere in back free with purchase

Jimmy  555-7702

"Hurry up and buy this car before Andy does."

- Jimmy

For sale

Thumb tack collection

* Over 200 available
* Special green tack autographed by Arnold "Thumbs" Tacburry

$30 for entire collection or $2 per tack
Orin 555-6733

February 17, 2010

For sale

Autographed Vinny Tiso sandal

Mitchell 555-8817

Help wanted

I Ned a good spiller to type my leters for me.

Need 555-2213

February 16, 2010

For sale

Car door

- Other three doors sold separately
- Used in the filming of the 1988 movie Roll Your Window Down, Ernie
- Perfect for door fights

Jack 555-7667


February 15, 2010

Letter from the editor

The Bobby's second birthday party, "Birth of Broccoli Dog", is coming up in a few months. This year, anyone wishing to donate a grandperson or rabid raccoon/squirrel to jump out of a cake must first fill out the proper forms and pass a simple nostril-depth test.

Also, please stop mailing used dental floss as the contest ended in January.

- Derwood Morris

February 14, 2010


Kaynesport News-Messenger
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* The copy machine chicken fight semi finals have been moved to February 25
* There's no such thing as "Bring your Parole Officer to Work Day"
* The obituary page is not for expired food

February 16, 2:00 p.m.

New Products

Also available from the Derwood Snacks Inc. -

* Toe Bites
* Aardvark Crisps
* Dandelion Clusters

email roryrainbow@derwoodsnacks.blogspot.com to order

February 13, 2010

Valentine's Day Personal Ads


I'm inside a chocolate cake, ready to jump out for the right woman. There's a lot of icing in my ears we could share if that's what you're into.

Randy box 62209

SDM, age 38. I had a dozen roses, but I woke up in the middle of the night and accidentally ate them-stems and all. Looking for someone to drive me to the emergency room.

Ladies only.

Dennis box 01117


SWF, 42. I've won several sandpaper-eating contests.

Barbara box 44818


Single, Hispanic puppy, looking for a quick Valentine's Day hump & sniff; not necessarily in that order.

Buttons box 96541

Clodhoppers for sale

* Over 10,000 in stock *

- Perfect for super gluing things to
- Plenty of Shermans available
- Now with 22% more doofus

Call 555-2217 for pricing list

New products

Bobby Classifieds salt shakers™ now available-get yours today!


Broccoli Dog

$6 each
email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

February 12, 2010

Husband for sale

Age: 41

Occupation: Walnut psychologist; part-time knuckle salesman
Favorite restaurant: Raccoonburger
Junior varsity basketball career statistics: 3.7 PPG (1984-1987)

* Award-winning fake limp

$400 or best offer
Marissa 555-6150

February 11, 2010

New Bobby mugs available™

Celery Sock

"I went to the Bobby Classifieds"

$8 each
derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

February 10, 2010


Call 555-2447 to set up registration times or to speak with an administrator

For sale


* "Not Everyone in Plumptin is Covered in Salad Dressing"
* Orange (w/honey mustard stain)
* "Yockleeze World Tour-1991"
* "I Was Like So Like WHATEVER!"
* "Asparagus Dancer"

$1 each
Barry 555-6601

February 9, 2010


For sale

Wallace Zernkie autographed plastic spoon

Darrin 555-3221

February 8, 2010


Happy Wok Chinese Restaurant
Grand opening!

"Where the customer is always near mice"

New dinner specials:

Eye of Larry Stefano soup - $4 (cup), $6 (bowl)
Baboon Fried Rice - $5.99
Kid Toe - $2
Termite Smile Cubes - $7.49
Fried Knuckle - $4.99
Loaf of Mailman (in-season)

* Trivia Mondays, featuring Fat Vin on the mic
* Mule-accessible

Happy Wok - 440 Dooder Street, Kaynesport

Call 555-8817 for reservations

House for sale

1/8 BR
2 FERRET (alive: Ernie, dead: Ernie Jr.)

* Windows arriving May, 2011
* Used in the filming of the 2006 holiday classic Do They Know it's only August?

Open house: February 13 from 3:00 p.m. until 5:30 p.m.
4302 Gongola Crossing, Corcoran City

New headquarters

The Bobby Classifieds has moved into its new home on 2323 East Feathers Place

February 7, 2010


Xavier's 4th annual Super Bowl Party

Schedule of events:

4:30 p.m. - Coat/reptile check
4:45 p.m. - Oatmeal Dunk Tank - semifinals & finals
5:30 p.m. - Awards presentation
5:50 p.m. - Let's get Uncle Ian drunk real quick
6:00 p.m. - Slide show of past SB parties


* Andy & Dominic re-enact fumble, inadvertently kiss
* When Beth threw up on the TV

8:30 p.m. - Halftime guest speaker, Plumptin High School offensive line coach Harvey Colson: "Stay clear of the upstairs bathroom"


11:00 p.m. - Complimentary ear cleanings
11:15 p.m. - Armed guard escorts to cellar
11:40 p.m. - Armed guard escorts to parking lot

Today at 4:30 p.m. at the Poloca Street ballroom

February 6, 2010

Thoughts for sale

These have been on my mind for years. It's time I got some new thoughts.

* Someone stole my cucumber flashlight
* Why does everyone get so angry when I try to clip their toe nails?
* Drinking that puddle water for $.50 wasn't a very good idea
* I'm in a raccoon costume, super glued to the roof
* No one knows more Derwood County Bobcats trivia than I do
* I've never met a tall Brandon
* That's the last time I drink an entire bottle of shampoo to impress my father-in-law

$10 each
Denny 555-8178

February 5, 2010

For sale

Mosquito collection

* Over 3,000 available *

- 1,140 dead

$700 for entire collection or $.30 per mosquito


Amateur Chefs Club
February meeting

On the agenda:

* If something runs into the casserole dish, don't close the oven and continue baking
* Why Harriet's ice cube soup didn't work

February 7, 11:30 a.m. at Milo's Restaurant

February 4, 2010


Broccoli Dog is coming June 1

February 3, 2010

Award Winner

2010 Build Your Dream House: 9th place

Congratulations to Oggy, Miranda, Z'Ontabeus and the rest of the team on our third consecutive top-10 finish.

- D. Morris

For sale

Chicken bones

* Acquired in a trade for two banana peals (January, 2010)

$2 each or $6 for all four
Tommy 555-3521


Visit Exit 75 in downtown Plumptin County!

February 2, 2010

For sale


Couch Scavenger Hunt for Kids (April, 2003)
American Puddle (May, 2005)
Better Sheds & Wasp Nests (November, 2004; February, 2005)
Caterpillar's Life (January, 1988)

$6 each
Liam 555-0070

February 1, 2010


Now THAT'S art, or is it?, in conjuction with The Bobby Classifieds, presents the first annual Art Contest and Arm Pit Identification Spectacular! Each month, you decide which work of art is the best.

Finalists will be announced at ACAPIS, April 1, 2010.

February entries:

"Snow Falling at Night on Murray Patterson"
by Kwon Raburn, East Plumptin

"Portrait: Professor Quigley"
by Melanie Casperitis, Kaynesport

* Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll
* To enter March's contest, email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

January winner: "Love Affair"

TV listings

Check out WDWD's new Monday lineup!


My Sweet 37 Party - 8:00 p.m.
Derwood the Clown cancels, so Arnold sulks in the corner.

Watch me Eat Gravel - 9:00 p.m.
Edwin eats some gravel.

Who Wants to Marry my Mom? - 10:00 p.m.
Nancy is humiliated after being left at the buffet. Plus: Debra shows up to her wedding in overalls.

MOVIE NIGHT - 11:00 p.m.

Boysenberries in the Hood

5:40 a.m. - Faking ear infections with Ivan