November 30, 2010


Grem, Fonway & Chessleby Attorneys at Law

* Bologna taunting
* Tire swing foreclosure
* Mailing threatening envelopes
* Hamburger bun cruelty
* C.U.I. (clumbering under the influence)

Call for rates and availability

November 29, 2010


Need to name a goldfish?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

November 28, 2010


McLain High School yearbook staff
Winter meeting

On the agenda:

* Despite the package of photos that were sent to the office, there's no such thing as the Cigarette Club
* Page 36 update: the ransom letter to Principal Hargrove stays
* Why sophomore Arnold Gafreda is not allowed to pose for his picture with his mailman again this year

November 30, 3:30 p.m.

November 27, 2010

For sale

Photograph of salami slice

Paul 555-8102

November 26, 2010


Happy Food Mart - Store #917
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* What happened to all of the dental floss?
* What not to sell in the store

November 29, 11:00 a.m.


Carlson Family
Post-Thanksgiving meeting

On the agenda:

* Grandpa's "my pants fell down again" speech: VHS copies on sale in the upstairs linen closet
* The gravy bath tub turned out to be a bad idea
* Aunt Tabitha is still deciding to live underneath the dining room table. Visitations are the last Tuesday of every month, starting Nov. 30

Today, 1:00 p.m. on the back porch

November 25, 2010


The mailbox flag-eating contest has been moved to December 17 in the West Annex, Kaynesport.

All competitors please bring your own asparagus helmet.

- TBC staff

For sale

1/2 can of tuna fish

* Once belonged to my former roommate Liam
* Appeared in the 2010 documentary Tuna Fish Fight

$15 or best offer
Terry  555-5419

November 24, 2010


The Ernston Valley Times is closing its doors after 97 years

**Come help us celebrate our last night, December 3**

7:00 p.m. - National anthem performed by Silently Baked Ziti
8:00 p.m. - "EVT Memories" - narrated by copy editor Belinda Mitchell

- Coffee drinking Olympics (Fall, 1981)
- Ronald Bainbridge drops entire tray of potato salad at Christmas party (2001)
- Beth's mother visits the newsroom (February, 2005)

10:00 p.m. - Silent Auction

Some of the items up for bid:

* Publisher Don Corey's "My other fishing pole is a rifle" coffee mug
* Payroll coordinator Elenore Donnelly's old nose
* A date with payroll coordinator Elenore Donnelly
* October 7, 1979 issue

12:00 a.m. - Police escort to basement

12:15 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot

Join us December 3 at the Plumptin downtown office - 400 Callaway Circle

November 23, 2010


Friends of Mary Kirkland
Winter meeting

Items to discuss:

* Should Mary have played more on her junior varsity basketball team?
* The 2010 Marys: re-counting the vote for Largest Ears 
* Mary doesn't like thousand island dressing anymore

November 27, 6:00 p.m. at Horace Landing apartment complex gazebo

November 22, 2010

For sale

Used protest signs

"Get Out From Underneath My Station Wagon!"
"We Came To The Wrong Protest"
"Guns Don't Kill People, Drinking Laundry Detergent Kills People"

$1 each
Harriet 555-4672

For sale


- Dead since Friday
- Perfect for gluing to people as a practical joke
- Appeared in the 2009 made-for-TV thriller Cockroach in Coach

Lionel 555-0081

November 21, 2010

For sale

Old domain names

$8 each
Bobby 555-2323

Personal Ads


Looking for a woman who can help me lure a chipmunk out of a laundry hamper. Must have a recognizable odor.

Chet box 70017

Let's make a Darryl sandwich. You bring the yellow mustard and a guy named Darryl, I'll bring the giant rye bread.

Darryl box 68882


I need a ride to the nail salon.

Beth box 21121

SWF, age 36. I have my ex-boyfriend's name branded on my right shoulder. His name is Kevin.

Looking for a man named Kevin or Devin.

Samantha box 90606


Single, white salt shaker. Empty.

Leroy box 79901

November 20, 2010


Friends of Ernie Plink
Fall meeting

On the agenda:

* Ernie Meet & Greet '10 has been postponed due to the theft of more than two dozen lasagna helmets
* Last week's relay race against the Co-Workers of Ernie Plink: what went wrong
* Who is taking Ernie's caterpillar, Darren to his Insects Anonymous meeting, December 2?

November 24, 1:00 p.m.


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #229
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting carpet samples with dollar amounts on them as currency
* Raccoon Melt has been taken off the value menu

Novembber 21, 9:30 a.m.

November 19, 2010

For sale

Cell phone bill

* $167.43 was due by October 7
* Pen (black) to write check free rental with purchase

$140 or best offer
Wayne 555-1746

"Isn't it about time you paid this cell phone bill?"

- Wayne

November 18, 2010


The Leckburg Community Center has several night classes still available.

Pick one that's right for you-

Avoiding Large Trees - 5 seats available
December 3-10; 11-18

* Longtime professor Carl Burkhalter provides the lessons you'll need to stand clear of some of the world's most intimidating trees.

How to Make a Salad - 8 seats available
December 10-17

* Course includes a three-day crouton tutorial.

Reading the Dictionary
- 19 seats available
January 2-8, 2011

* This intensive, seven-day course, taught by Dr. Janice Hemphill, explores man's oldest foe. Breakout sessions include:

- When am I going to get to the W's?
- How come no one in the A's will tell me why the zebra did it?

Prerequisite: Opening the Dictionary

Throwing Things at People and Blaming Someone Else - 10 seats available
January 22-24; 27-29

* Part 2 of Professor Tavaris Mitchell's world-renowned course, which includes:

- Throwing popcorn at the movies: they'll never know
- Your little sister did it

Leckburg Community Center - 805 Browning Circle, Plumptin

November 17, 2010

For sale


* Orange (missing left sleeve)
* Danny and the Uncomfortable-World Tour, 2002
* Flying sticks of butter
* Salad Olympics 1996 (autographed by bronze medalist Ralph Shelley)
* Shoelace Shop 1,000th Customer
* Red w/blue cheese dressing stain

$6 each
Mark 555-8070

November 16, 2010

For sale


* My husband Terry's Right Said Fred tribute concert in the bath tub (October, 1994)
* I recorded last Saturday's 6:00 p.m. news

Call for pricing list
Hank 555-4481

TV listings

Check out WDER's new Tuesday lineup!


Are You Dumber Than Randy?
- 8:00 p.m.
Randy puts on his jacket underneath his dress shirt again.

Who Wants To Marry a Possum? - 9:00 p.m.
Andrea has cold feet because her fiance, Pointy, ate her shoes.

Watch Me Eat Thumb Tacks
- 10:00 p.m.
Team 6 is disqualified for trying to pass off toothpick pieces as thumb tacks, and after a three-hour session a delirious Jeffrey mistakenly puts a thumb tack in his nose and has to spend a night in the paper shredder.

Parakeet At The Plate - 11:00 p.m.

5:45 a.m. - Pointing at Leaves with Steve

November 15, 2010

Heads for sale

Freezer-wide clearance

1. Left ear bigger than right
2. Tattoos on back of neck: BLESSSED (faded, but still visible); BLESSED
3. Squirrel (3)
4. No eyebrows; bald

$50 each

**November special**

- Body only: 5-7, 137 pounds; brown jacket; no arm hair - $15

Barry 555-4374

November 14, 2010

House for sale

A fixer-upper to die for. Seriously, the last guy who owned the house died fixing it up.

You won't die though.

* Caterpillar army free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2009 film Roof Leak at Tiffany's

$1,400 or best offer
Tiffany  555-3097

Open house: November 13, 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.
410 Lentock Avenue, Kaynesport

November 13, 2010

For sale

Softball glove

* Responsible for Plumptin County 35-over league-record 7 errors in one inning (May, 2005)
* Chocolate syrup stains included with purchase
* Appeared in the 2008 film Field of Hakeems

Eric 555-6833

November 12, 2010

For sale

1/2 bag of potato chips

* Penguin Chips-brand™
* Several finger nail pieces free with purchase

Bobby 555-2323

November 11, 2010

For rent


Paper Clip Historian's Monthly (June, 2001; July, 2001)
Brussel Sprout Sports For Kids (April, 1995; November, 1995)
Envelope Trader (September, 2009) 
Pointing At Lettuce (December, 1983)

Brevin 555-4414

November 10, 2010


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #46
November meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not offer psychiatric evaluations at the drive-thru
* We're turning off the milkshake machine until we find Melanie's tooth
* Please stop accepting fish food as currency

November 12, 1:00 p.m.

November 9, 2010

For sale

Electric bill

* $53.79 due, $36.44 due immediately
* Envelope sold separately

Trent 555-4120

November 8, 2010


Amy the Advice Lady for hire

"I must advise you to pay up front."

* Don't put scrambled eggs in your apple juice
* Whatever you find in your belly button, keep it to yourself
* Please don't name your first-born child after a vegetable
* It's not a good idea to mail photographs of your atom's apple to your ex-girlfriends
* There's no reason to go underwear shopping for a hamster

Call for rates and availability

November 7, 2010

Letter from the editor

I'm happy to announce the search for Ronald Wesley has ended: he was underneath the sink. Thank you to those who donated raccoons for the search. Just a reminder, the 2010 Celery Olympics has been moved to November 20, and we've just received a conformation that Ernie and the Unapproachable will be performing the national anthem.

- Derwood Morris

Help Wanted


I'm looking for the person(s) that ripped the golden salamander off of my trophy. All that's left is his sneakers.

If you have any information call Rory: 555-3108

November 6, 2010


Are you a 'the pizza is half-eaten' type of person?

Sign up for the 1st annual We Can Do This! Festival

Check out one of our self-help seminars:

* This glass is half-dirty

* Q&A with Captain Positive

* I shouldn't have come to this festival

Plus: 2010 Smile Fair

"I'm not sure this is going to work."
- Mitch Hamlin, Kaynesport Post

November 20-21, 2010 - Norris County Fairgrounds

November 5, 2010

For sale

Peanut shells

* Over 60 available
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Garrison Family Peanut Fight

$15 for whole collection
Brendon 555-9918

November 4, 2010


Car pool to work
Pre-November 7 meeting

November 6 at 3:00 p.m., back seat of Tom's station wagon

For sale

Office supplies for sale

Yellow-lined - 5 for $10
Small, white-lined with unicorn stencils - $1 each
Used notepads - .25 each

Three-year organizer (red; missing October, 2013) - $6
Baby Possums wall calendar - $25

Business cards
Blank - 100 for $5
Jim Stanicek, CEO, The Chili Shack - $2

Bobby 555-2323

November 3, 2010


Bad Habits Boot Camp

Sign up for one of our weekend sessions
* Father/son special-50% off

November 5-7
*November 12-14
November 19-21
*December 3-5
December 10-12

We'll help you break these habits and more!

* Air/steering wheel drumming
* Armpit hair yanking
* Aggressive pant zippering
* Bug spray digestion
* Fake sneezing
* Uncle shoving
* Boot camp fleeing

$500 per session
Bad Habits Boot Camp 555-2100


Need mirrors looked into?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

November 2, 2010


Save the Water Fountains - Kaynesport Chapter
November meeting

Items to discuss:

* Pouring water bottles out on the customers as they were leaving the convenience store wasn't as effective of a protest as we had hoped
* It has been confirmed: Rodney was hiding under the Helin Morgan Elementary School Hall 7 water fountain
* Our sister organization, Save the Gum in the Water Fountains, has been disbanded

November 4, 9:30 a.m. at headquarters

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Bowling Wives-The Complete Series
* How Much Change Is In My Couch? - Final Season (w/deleted scenes)
Worm Shop - Season 1

$8 each
Angela 555-2611

November 1, 2010

For sale

Used books

Hopscotch Can't Happen Here - Louis Sidney
To Pocket a Mockingbird - Harriet Vance
Lord of the Sighs - Carter Lindon

$5 each
Danielle 555-7007

Free items

Bus seat

* #17 bus, 14th row aisle seat
* Man next to you is named Seth and will try to sell you one of his socks

Trying to get off at this next stop, so, give me a call

Margaret 555-4911