Sleepwalkers Anonymous
October meeting
Topics to discuss:
- Sleep battle rapping: Q&A
- Is Ernie faking?
- Sleep running 101
October 5, 8:00 p.m.
September 30, 2010
For sale
Dental bill
- $227.43 due
- Filled out, printed by receptionist Diane
$200 or best offer
Patricia 555-2303
** Mailing address for collection agency sold separately **
- $227.43 due
- Filled out, printed by receptionist Diane
$200 or best offer
Patricia 555-2303
** Mailing address for collection agency sold separately **
September 29, 2010
Meetings
Men in Refrigerators
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
* The asparagus-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* Our softball game against the Men Near Microwaves has been moved to October 9
Tomorrow, 1:00 p.m.
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
* The asparagus-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* Our softball game against the Men Near Microwaves has been moved to October 9
Tomorrow, 1:00 p.m.
For sale
Music albums on CD
Houses of the Moldy - Silver Tooth
Under the Chandelier and Standing - Bert Sansing Trio
Murray and the Coldcuts Live at Nosehole, 8/7/96
My Big, Fat, Greek Sister: Soundtrack - Various artists
$6 each
Harold 555-6891
Houses of the Moldy - Silver Tooth
Under the Chandelier and Standing - Bert Sansing Trio
Murray and the Coldcuts Live at Nosehole, 8/7/96
My Big, Fat, Greek Sister: Soundtrack - Various artists
$6 each
Harold 555-6891
September 28, 2010
Casting call
The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Toll Booth on the Roof.
- Ivan
- Smooshed banana art salesman, Clem Sanferd
- Dream Wendell
- Ice Cube War historian
- Evil Juan
- Voice of singing ketchup packet
- Coleslaw Man/Coleslaw Man alter ego, Ernie Brown
** We're also looking for someone who can talk a woman down from an airplane wing **
Auditions - October 2, 1:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at our new building on Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
- Ivan
- Smooshed banana art salesman, Clem Sanferd
- Dream Wendell
- Ice Cube War historian
- Evil Juan
- Voice of singing ketchup packet
- Coleslaw Man/Coleslaw Man alter ego, Ernie Brown
** We're also looking for someone who can talk a woman down from an airplane wing **
Auditions - October 2, 1:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at our new building on Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
TV listings
Check out WDOO's new Tuesday lineup!
REALITY TV
America's Got Lunch Meat - 8:00 p.m.
Amy's Tower of Turkey collapses and she has to spend a day in the mayo pit.
Grocery Store - 10:00 p.m.
The cashiers argue over the code for lemons and deli manager Bert is again caught sleeping in a pile of recalled cereal and is forced to take a leave of absence.
Late Night Picture - 11:00 p.m.
Movie of Scenes
6:10 a.m. - Wearing a turtleneck into the pool
REALITY TV
America's Got Lunch Meat - 8:00 p.m.
Amy's Tower of Turkey collapses and she has to spend a day in the mayo pit.
Grocery Store - 10:00 p.m.
The cashiers argue over the code for lemons and deli manager Bert is again caught sleeping in a pile of recalled cereal and is forced to take a leave of absence.
Late Night Picture - 11:00 p.m.
Movie of Scenes
6:10 a.m. - Wearing a turtleneck into the pool
September 27, 2010
For sale
Shampoo gun
* Used by Deke Murdock during his silver medal-winning performance at the 2008 Shower Olympics
* Comes with three practice wigs
* Dandruff-catcher neck pillow sold separately
$40
Trevor 555-4758
* Used by Deke Murdock during his silver medal-winning performance at the 2008 Shower Olympics
* Comes with three practice wigs
* Dandruff-catcher neck pillow sold separately
$40
Trevor 555-4758
September 26, 2010
Meetings
Sanjai's Stationery
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* We've looked at the photographs: spaghetti and staple removers do not make a good couple
* The white out overdose of Henry Rawson: Q&A
* The paper cut attacks of 2010: aftermath
September 28, 4:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* We've looked at the photographs: spaghetti and staple removers do not make a good couple
* The white out overdose of Henry Rawson: Q&A
* The paper cut attacks of 2010: aftermath
September 28, 4:00 p.m.
September 25, 2010
For sale
Used books
Idiot's Guide to the Salt Shaker - Ed. Penny Cartwright
In Times of Promiscuous Pinching - Lawrence Toliver
The Encyclopedia of Chewed Gum - Chocolate House Publishing
An Illustrated History of Astro Turf Eating Contests - Kenny Persons
$3 each
Jan 555-8100
Idiot's Guide to the Salt Shaker - Ed. Penny Cartwright
In Times of Promiscuous Pinching - Lawrence Toliver
The Encyclopedia of Chewed Gum - Chocolate House Publishing
An Illustrated History of Astro Turf Eating Contests - Kenny Persons
$3 each
Jan 555-8100
September 24, 2010
Home for sale
1 BR
6 BATH
2 SALAMI CAPE
* Former headquarters for support groups:
- "Women Named Vanessa" (Kaynesport chapter)
- "Fake Limps Anonymous"
* Grandpa Rob/Grandpa Rob's peanut shell collection (approximately 11,000 shells as of September 22) come with house
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show Are You Smellier Than a 3rd Grader?
Open house - October 2 from 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
4755 Scooner Crossing, East Kaynesport
September 23, 2010
Advertisments
A memo on Glug
Grow height to make the womens swoo and catch your head in the clowns.
Squirts will rise in a ceiling of celery.
** If potion is injected through the peanut, peas, construct a magician **
Call 555-7881 for free insult
Grow height to make the womens swoo and catch your head in the clowns.
Squirts will rise in a ceiling of celery.
** If potion is injected through the peanut, peas, construct a magician **
Call 555-7881 for free insult
September 22, 2010
Public Service Announcement
Talk to your kids about hot dog ankles, before someone else does.
Call 555-4455 for more information.
Meetings
Plumptin High School 2010 Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting
On the agenda:
* Wheelbarrow rides to and from the gym begin at 6:00 p.m. the day of the dance
* Who is going to the dance with Mrs. Vanderells this year so Andrew doesn't have to again?
September 23, 4:00 p.m. in the media center
Committee meeting
On the agenda:
* Wheelbarrow rides to and from the gym begin at 6:00 p.m. the day of the dance
* Who is going to the dance with Mrs. Vanderells this year so Andrew doesn't have to again?
September 23, 4:00 p.m. in the media center
September 21, 2010
For sale
Grocery bill
- $31.93 due
- Free grape OR handshake from bag boy Eric with purchase (Eric's choice)
- Located at the Paysoon Grocery, Store #119, register 6
$25
Bill 555-7991
** Please, only serious offers **
- $31.93 due
- Free grape OR handshake from bag boy Eric with purchase (Eric's choice)
- Located at the Paysoon Grocery, Store #119, register 6
$25
Bill 555-7991
** Please, only serious offers **
Openings
Bunky's Used Video Games
Grand opening!
Fall, 2010 top sellers:
Lawnmower Thief
Jaywalk Olympics '04
Johnny Squirmer: Escape from Under the Sink
Captain Radish vs. Europe
Murray Schneider: Orthodontist
Bunky's - 556 Old Plumptin Avenue, East Plumptin
Grand opening!
Fall, 2010 top sellers:
Lawnmower Thief
Jaywalk Olympics '04
Johnny Squirmer: Escape from Under the Sink
Captain Radish vs. Europe
Murray Schneider: Orthodontist
Bunky's - 556 Old Plumptin Avenue, East Plumptin
House for rent
1/9 BR
1 BATH/NUDGING ROOM
1 STEAK SAUCE POOL
* Arm hair collection free with rental agreement (over 1,000 hairs)
* Used in the filming of the 1999 music video Banana in the Mirror
$117/month
Pete 555-3322
September 20, 2010
For sale
Couch
* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV spinoff show How Much Change is in Brandon's Couch?!
* Spilled cocktail sauce on middle cushion free w/purchase
$40
Brandon 555-6993
* Dead squirrel (Otto) under left cushion sold separately *
* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV spinoff show How Much Change is in Brandon's Couch?!
* Spilled cocktail sauce on middle cushion free w/purchase
$40
Brandon 555-6993
* Dead squirrel (Otto) under left cushion sold separately *
For sale
T-shirts
* Torqiouse w/ripped pocket
* "Save the Lemons: Help us keep the peels on"
* PENCIL EATING CONTEST CHAMPION
* "Elbow/Knee Fest 1986 (with nacho cheese and squirrel blood stains)
$15 each
Brandy 555-8170
* Torqiouse w/ripped pocket
* "Save the Lemons: Help us keep the peels on"
* PENCIL EATING CONTEST CHAMPION
* "Elbow/Knee Fest 1986 (with nacho cheese and squirrel blood stains)
$15 each
Brandy 555-8170
September 19, 2010
Services
Air saxophone lessons
* Must provide own saxophone
* Special thumb-in-mouth tutorials (NEW!)
* Free audition tape available at completion of lesson
$35/hour
Andrew 555-6617
* Must provide own saxophone
* Special thumb-in-mouth tutorials (NEW!)
* Free audition tape available at completion of lesson
$35/hour
Andrew 555-6617
September 18, 2010
Services
Janice McCullers
Psychiatrist for hire
"Let's punch the loony out of you"
* Shower curtain tattoo regret
* The voices inside my fireplace
* Fear of mashed potato riots
* Embellishing my cat's vertical leap
* Over-pointing
* "I hate my grandson's cough"
* Inadequacy in the coat room
Call 555-1121 to schedule an appointment
Psychiatrist for hire
"Let's punch the loony out of you"
* Shower curtain tattoo regret
* The voices inside my fireplace
* Fear of mashed potato riots
* Embellishing my cat's vertical leap
* Over-pointing
* "I hate my grandson's cough"
* Inadequacy in the coat room
Call 555-1121 to schedule an appointment
September 17, 2010
For sale
VHS
My Best Friend's Welting
Deodorant! The Musical
The Hand we Hid in the Cradle
The Last American Bandaid
$6 each
Tabitha 555-8008
My Best Friend's Welting
Deodorant! The Musical
The Hand we Hid in the Cradle
The Last American Bandaid
$6 each
Tabitha 555-8008
September 16, 2010
Meetings
Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #117
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
- Where not to clip your toe nails
- Remembering Barry the Beefy's Bumblebee
September 17, 7:00 p.m.
Say hello to new cashier, Hillary: 7:25 p.m. - 7:30 p.m.
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
- Where not to clip your toe nails
- Remembering Barry the Beefy's Bumblebee
September 17, 7:00 p.m.
Say hello to new cashier, Hillary: 7:25 p.m. - 7:30 p.m.
September 15, 2010
September 14, 2010
Announcements
Drunville Blastos Baseball
Additions to the 2010 promotional calendar
September 20: Artichoke Night
September 22: Bring Your Ernie to the Park
October 5: Shampoo Night
October 7: Whip Sneakers at the Left Fielder
October 22: Ace Callaway replica asparagus wig (first 10,000 fans)
October 23: Sneeze on the Owner's Grandson
Call 555-DRUN for tickets
Additions to the 2010 promotional calendar
September 20: Artichoke Night
September 22: Bring Your Ernie to the Park
October 5: Shampoo Night
October 7: Whip Sneakers at the Left Fielder
October 22: Ace Callaway replica asparagus wig (first 10,000 fans)
October 23: Sneeze on the Owner's Grandson
Call 555-DRUN for tickets
September 13, 2010
Religious visions
I discovered the image of our lord and savior, Rory Barfield, on my tube sock.
Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my spare bedroom.
Artist's Rendering
* $100 per viewing
* Replica Rory Socks™ also available
1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport
Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my spare bedroom.
Artist's Rendering
* $100 per viewing
* Replica Rory Socks™ also available
1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport
September 12, 2010
Events
Plumptin Centipedes Semi-pro baseball
Post-season meeting/banquet
Banquet schedule:
6:45-7:00 p.m. - Coat removal
7:00-7:30 - Video screening of wet cement fight after last week's loss to Booey
7:30-7:50 - Q&A: wet cement fight
7:50-8:00 - What a 19-33 season means
8:00-9:00 - Dinner
- Various dry noodles
- Water
9:00-11:30 - Post-season awards
* Shortest walk to stage
* Most attractive/least attractive wife
* Purplest bruise
* Best smile
* Dislocation of the year
and more!
September 22 at the Cucumber Palace Restaurant - Hammond Grove location
Post-season meeting/banquet
Banquet schedule:
6:45-7:00 p.m. - Coat removal
7:00-7:30 - Video screening of wet cement fight after last week's loss to Booey
7:30-7:50 - Q&A: wet cement fight
7:50-8:00 - What a 19-33 season means
8:00-9:00 - Dinner
- Various dry noodles
- Water
9:00-11:30 - Post-season awards
* Shortest walk to stage
* Most attractive/least attractive wife
* Purplest bruise
* Best smile
* Dislocation of the year
and more!
September 22 at the Cucumber Palace Restaurant - Hammond Grove location
September 11, 2010
Obituary
Reginald Callahan
1931-2010
Reginald, the former governor of the mailbox and surrounding patch of grass in his front lawn, died of an apparent refrigerator magnet overdose. Mr. Callahan was one of the founding members of the political organization S.O.S.L. (Separation of Sandals and Lasagna) and played air flute in the musical group Noodle Paco. He is survived by his pet vegetable slicer, Irwin.
1931-2010
Reginald, the former governor of the mailbox and surrounding patch of grass in his front lawn, died of an apparent refrigerator magnet overdose. Mr. Callahan was one of the founding members of the political organization S.O.S.L. (Separation of Sandals and Lasagna) and played air flute in the musical group Noodle Paco. He is survived by his pet vegetable slicer, Irwin.
September 10, 2010
For sale
Arm & hand
* Rubber
* Received in a trade for a plastic ear (May, 2002)
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Knuckle Eating Contest: The Rise and Fall of Cal McReynolds
$4
Andy 555-4426
* Rubber
* Received in a trade for a plastic ear (May, 2002)
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Knuckle Eating Contest: The Rise and Fall of Cal McReynolds
$4
Andy 555-4426
September 9, 2010
Meetings
Cheechio's Restaurant
Server's meeting
Items to discuss:
* The customers are not allowed to take home their booth
* Please stop accepting paper bags with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* Mustard on a napkin is not a side item
September 12, 3:00 p.m.
Server's meeting
Items to discuss:
* The customers are not allowed to take home their booth
* Please stop accepting paper bags with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* Mustard on a napkin is not a side item
September 12, 3:00 p.m.
September 8, 2010
Announcements
The Kaynesport Pythons 35+ fall baseball team has been selected!
2010 roster:
* returning player
1. Peakus Graham
2. Ozzie Cronin
3. J.R. Pershack
4. Morris Delwood*
5. Paper Clip Martin*
6. Simple Blinky
7. Dunkin Flapper*
8. Pete Schutz
9. Spaghetti Johnson*
10. Mel Cronin
11. Silly Toes McAfferty
12. Robin Curly
13. Marty Eefis*
14. Esteban Quinones*
First practice: September 17, 1:00 p.m. at field 6
* Please bring your own socks *
2010 roster:
* returning player
1. Peakus Graham
2. Ozzie Cronin
3. J.R. Pershack
4. Morris Delwood*
5. Paper Clip Martin*
6. Simple Blinky
7. Dunkin Flapper*
8. Pete Schutz
9. Spaghetti Johnson*
10. Mel Cronin
11. Silly Toes McAfferty
12. Robin Curly
13. Marty Eefis*
14. Esteban Quinones*
First practice: September 17, 1:00 p.m. at field 6
* Please bring your own socks *
September 7, 2010
Destinations
Visit the Plunger County Prison & Museum
Check out our Fall, 2010 special exhibits:
**Getaway Cars of the 1990s
Includes the Beano Brothers' red station wagon (*with world-famous salami stains on front windshield*)
**Solitary Peep Shows
See some of the world's worst criminals locked in solitary confinement and put in provocative positions like:
- Fetal
- Laying down
- Arguing with himself
- Rodent Circus promoter
Plus:
Lunch tray fights
Plunger County Prison & Museum - 245 Ansley Lane, Plumptin
Check out our Fall, 2010 special exhibits:
**Getaway Cars of the 1990s
Includes the Beano Brothers' red station wagon (*with world-famous salami stains on front windshield*)
**Solitary Peep Shows
See some of the world's worst criminals locked in solitary confinement and put in provocative positions like:
- Fetal
- Laying down
- Arguing with himself
- Rodent Circus promoter
Plus:
Lunch tray fights
Plunger County Prison & Museum - 245 Ansley Lane, Plumptin
September 6, 2010
Meetings
Friends of Randy Attley
September meeting
On the agenda:
- FRA Flashback, July 12, 2007: the day we met Andy Rattly
- Randy's new earlobe implants
- Randy can only fit 17 grapes into his mouth at once, not 18
September 9, 4:00 p.m.
September meeting
On the agenda:
- FRA Flashback, July 12, 2007: the day we met Andy Rattly
- Randy's new earlobe implants
- Randy can only fit 17 grapes into his mouth at once, not 18
September 9, 4:00 p.m.
For sale
Change
- 3 dimes
- 1 nickle (w/cat hair stuck to it by maple syrup *RARE*)
$2
Jeremy 555-3329
* Hurry, Uncle Evan is interested *
- 3 dimes
- 1 nickle (w/cat hair stuck to it by maple syrup *RARE*)
$2
Jeremy 555-3329
* Hurry, Uncle Evan is interested *
September 5, 2010
For sale
Magazines
Official Program of the 2002 Butter Fest (July, 1999; August, 1999)
Runny Nose (March, 2002; June, 2002)
The Journal of Modern American Shouting (December, 2004; May, 2005)
Highway On-Ramp Juggler (January, 2000)
$5 each
Charlene 555-8191
Official Program of the 2002 Butter Fest (July, 1999; August, 1999)
Runny Nose (March, 2002; June, 2002)
The Journal of Modern American Shouting (December, 2004; May, 2005)
Highway On-Ramp Juggler (January, 2000)
$5 each
Charlene 555-8191
September 4, 2010
Services
Fernz, Gwendy & Capolo Attorneys at Law
* Piccolonapping
* Failure to leave the scene of a goose taunting
* Embezzling plums
* Impersonating a police officer's mother-in-law
* Possession of bluejay feathers with intent to distribute
* Attempted Breadstick 1
* Failure to remove crab cake helmet and edible tube socks in a government building
Call 555-3319 for a free consultation
* Piccolonapping
* Failure to leave the scene of a goose taunting
* Embezzling plums
* Impersonating a police officer's mother-in-law
* Possession of bluejay feathers with intent to distribute
* Attempted Breadstick 1
* Failure to remove crab cake helmet and edible tube socks in a government building
Call 555-3319 for a free consultation
Services
** Morris' Now Available **
- Just wheelbarrowed in
- Available for celery fights
- Over 8,000 in stock
- Perfect for thumb tacking things to
Call 555-5614 for pricing list
- Just wheelbarrowed in
- Available for celery fights
- Over 8,000 in stock
- Perfect for thumb tacking things to
Call 555-5614 for pricing list
September 3, 2010
Openings
Jimmy's Restaurant
Grand re-opening
"We got rid of the bird's nests ya'll!"
New menu items:
- Carpet pudding
- Gary elbow salad
- Grilled envelope w/butter sauce
- Jimmy's world-famous band aid soup
- Paper towel pizza
- Eyebrow pasta w/meat sauce
Jimmy's - 410 Bechtold St., Kaynesport
Grand re-opening
"We got rid of the bird's nests ya'll!"
New menu items:
- Carpet pudding
- Gary elbow salad
- Grilled envelope w/butter sauce
- Jimmy's world-famous band aid soup
- Paper towel pizza
- Eyebrow pasta w/meat sauce
Jimmy's - 410 Bechtold St., Kaynesport
September 2, 2010
Meetings
Hepsen Valley Youth Football Bulldogs
Team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Moms are no longer allowed on the sideline or to call plays
* Where in the end zone did we bury coach Abrams' wallet?
* A chin strap is not edible no matter how long you fry it
September 3, 4:30 p.m. at field 3
Team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Moms are no longer allowed on the sideline or to call plays
* Where in the end zone did we bury coach Abrams' wallet?
* A chin strap is not edible no matter how long you fry it
September 3, 4:30 p.m. at field 3
September 1, 2010
For sale
Domain names for sale
www.salamirandolph.net
www.fireassistantprincipalherman.blogspot.com
www.moviescriptdatabase.com/2008_whatsscreaminginglennsfreezer
www.namesigavemyheadlice.blogspot.com
www.thingsifoundintrevorsnose.net
www.filefoldereatingcontest.com/pastchampions_peteryu
www.eggrollsiveyettoeat.com
$20 each
Harry 555-4410
www.salamirandolph.net
www.fireassistantprincipalherman.blogspot.com
www.moviescriptdatabase.com/2008_whatsscreaminginglennsfreezer
www.namesigavemyheadlice.blogspot.com
www.thingsifoundintrevorsnose.net
www.filefoldereatingcontest.com/pastchampions_peteryu
www.eggrollsiveyettoeat.com
$20 each
Harry 555-4410
For sale
Stamps
"Pinch Olympics Champions"
* Ernie Wilfong (rare) - $100
* Quinton James - $45
"Legends of the 1973 Marshmallow Hostage Negotiations"
* Sgt. Ben Venable - $10
"Deadliest Raccoons-Series IV"
* Rodney - $25
All in mint condition
Carlton 555-3444
"Pinch Olympics Champions"
* Ernie Wilfong (rare) - $100
* Quinton James - $45
"Legends of the 1973 Marshmallow Hostage Negotiations"
* Sgt. Ben Venable - $10
"Deadliest Raccoons-Series IV"
* Rodney - $25
All in mint condition
Carlton 555-3444
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