For sale

VHS

Sports videos

* Basketball's Greatest Tip-Offs
* 1994 World Series of Pointing: Official Video

Concerts

* Peggy Cliff: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like January (Live at Kaphauf Amphitheater, 12/18/97)
* Ernie & Julio Sing the Newspaper Police Blotter (Live at Freddy's Burger Shack, 4/5/1987)


Call for pricing list
Angela 555-2611

Meetings

A4 Cab Service
Driver's meeting


On the agenda:

* What not to sell out of the window at stoplights
* A dead goldfish is not an air freshener


August 1, 1:00 p.m.

Announcements

Glub County Wildcats youth baseball
Team banquet update

Awards to be given out:

- Worst swing
- Infield fall down award
- Most awkward older sister
- Worst breath (Division 1 & Division II levels)

Items added to silent auction:

- Coach Martin's uneaten ham sandwich from April 16 rain delay
- Baseball autographed by Ben's grandpa, Lewis
- Set of 25 sunflower seed shell pieces (*rare*)


Banquet: July 30, 7:00 p.m. at Old Delwood Ballroom, Kaynesport

Meetings

Soup Palace - Store #39
Staff meeting


Item on the agenda:

* Customers are not allowed to pay by the noodle


Training video - July 31 right before open

For sale

Tree branches

* Over 300 available in all shapes and sizes
* Buy five branches get one leaf free (limited time)


Call for pricing list
Dale  555-0440

Announcements

The Plumptin 35+ fall baseball team has been selected!

Final cut list:
* returning player

1. *Wilson Fu
2.  A. Elijah Baines
3. *Peeps Rafeky
4. *Daylight Bittinger
5. Niles Andujar
6. *Weston Fu
7. Ronaldo Salazar
8. Chin Charles
9. *Morris Rainbow
10. Rooster Shane
11. *Peakis Fishbine
12. Don Darlington

13. Wiley-Joe Andujar
14. Zeke Keppich

player-manager:

*Yoyo Salazar


First practice: September 5, 6:00 p.m. at field 9

For sale

Documentary films


* Waiter, There's Part of a Chipmunk in my Soup! - The Closing of Gafreda's Lunch Stop
* Christmas, 2005: Uncle Horace's "I don't care (about my underwear)" song and dance and jog
* Venable Family Mashed Potato Fight 2 (includes extended scenes with police/mailman)
* Finding Brenda's Hair Clip


DVDs - $15 each
Alan 555-9970

Services

Need a pool swam in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

* The voices inside your soup
* "I make guacamole and pour it in my ski boots"
* Nunciaphobia (fear of mis-pronouncing your phobia)
* Over-winking
* Excessive air clarinet
* The couch is talking about me behind my back


Call for rates and availability
Nancy 555-0330

Sayings for sale

My three most-used sayings for sale at discounted prices.


"I'll butter my own helmet, thank you"
"You can't take a hippo to a gun fight"
"A nickel for a penny for your thoughts?"


Call for pricing list
Kent 555-3301

Meetings

Envelope Enthusiasts
July meeting


Items to discuss:

* Mashed potatoes don't travel well in envelopes
* Club president Mary McGuire: "I think we've run out of things to talk about"


July 22, 10:30 a.m.

Public Service Announcement

Vote "Yes" on Prop 17 - February 1


Other prop bills

Prop 410 - End Steering Wheel Drumming

Prop 114 - Wearing a Rain Coat & Galoshes into the Shower

Prop 550 - Salamander Rights

Prop 89 Amendment - The Legality of Shampoo on Hot Dogs

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Who Won't Bathe?! - Season 1

* Bus Stop: Knoxville
* Who Wants to Glue Things to a Millionaire? - Season 4
* Watch Me Drink Puddle Water - Season 2


$8 each
India  555-6781

Opportunities

You want to go to the moon?

I've built a spaceship and I'm going to the moon.

If you want to go with me to the moon, come to a pre-flight meeting at my house, October 24 at 8:00 p.m. (Ladies only)


Jeremy 555-3049

For sale

Candy wrapper collection


* Over 370 wrappers *


$175 or best offer
Sandra 555-2118

Police report

Ernie Gorn
Age: 24

July 15: Mr. Gorn was arrested at a Drunville Blastos baseball game for refusing to remove his hippopotamus costume during the national anthem.


Previous arrests:

June 11, 2004: Arrested for providing false information. Mr. Gorn claimed he was a Costa Rican iguana named Julio and that the only way to properly clean a carpet is with soy sauce.

November 5, 2000: Taken into police custody for attempting to eat a mailbox, which is a class-B felony in Plumptin County.

May 26, 1998: Attempted Canary 1.



Gorn, Ernie
Bail: $11

For sale

Animal hair collection

* Cat, dog or bird feathers
* Also available: goldfish pieces, ants


Let's find the plan that's right for you.


Call for pricing list
Kerwin 555-4008

Comic

Services

Gravel/concrete taste-tester for hire


Call for rates and availability
Roger  555-0330

For sale

Yard signs


- "Beware of Driveway"
- "It's a Bo !"
- "More Signs Inside"
- "Daughter for Sale"
- "Yarn Sell Today"
- "Carlson-Wheatley Goldfish Wedding, Today, 2:00 p.m."


$4 each
Kent 555-4484

For sale

1/2 pancake

* Comes with about 3 ounces of syrup
* Used in the recent filming of the hit reality TV show Does Grandpa Have To Eat With Us?
* One paper towel free with purchase


$3
Dale  555-7781

Services

Need a can of cola finished?


Maurice Jahglio 555-9995

For sale

Ice cube clearance sale

Everything must go!


$.03 each or 10 for $.25


Elroy 555-9921

For sale

Used books


Idiot's Guide to the Tissue
The Girl with the Toilet Brush Tattoo
Sidewalks for Dummies
A Child Called "Sandpaper"


$3 each
Samantha 555-4404

Services

Non-animal taxidermist for hire

Services available:

* Moldy bread loaves
* Dwayne foot
* Broken kitchen appliances
* Barry ear
* Lamp shades
* Brown heads of lettuce
* Water bottles


Call for pricing list
Arthur 555-3339

For sale

Envelope

* White
* Appeared in the 2011 documentary Trip to the Mailbox


$6
Harold 555-7116

For sale

Potato




$6
Whitney 555-0081

Job Board

Employment opportunities for the week of July 6-12


* Feathers Playhouse
- Auditions for Bathroom Attendant of the Opera are scheduled for July 9 1:00 p.m.-6:00 p.m.

* Typewriter ribbon eating contest: judges needed
- Semipro competitive eating 555-4661

* Analyzing forehead perspiration futures
- Plumptin Stock Exchange 555-7191

Chad's Chickens - Store #46
Now hiring:

- Lettuce sympathizer
- VP, disappointed looks

555-2210


OTHER OPPORTUNITIES

* Donations needed:

- Photographs of men named Kevin
- One piece of notebook paper

Donation Center East - 467 Natiel Ave., Plumptin

For Sale

Corn husks




* Rare *


$1 each or $3 for all five
Keondre 555-8391

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Who Won't Suffocate?! - Season 2
* America's Got Nose Bleeds - Final season
* Goldfish Swap - Season 4 (with deleted scenes)
* Does Your Grandpa Have To Be Here? - Season 1


$6 each
Veronica 555-7661

For sale

Vintage band aid collection

* 270 total
* Ken Paddock autographed band aid included


$125 or best offer
Katrina Paddock 555-7725

New Bobby T-Shirts™

W, XW, CMS, XCMS, BUL, XBUL
$15 each

email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

Meetings

Julio's Mexican Restaurant
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The tortilla face joke at the hostess stand is no longer funny
* Please stop accepting firewood as currency
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "ugly, stupid loser"


July 3, 11:00 a.m.

For sale

Bag of noses


* Mostly human, but some mouse, dog available
* Bag is yellow, if that matters to you


Call for pricing list
Kenny  555-8119