Obituary

Bobby
June 1, 2008--April 25, 2014

Promotional poster

For rent

Sneaker

* Left
* Right not available until May 9th

** update ** May 17th


$2/half hour
Dante 555-8810

Meetings

Spring kickoff meeting
May 3, 7:00 p.m.

Meetings

Left To Right book club
April meeting

Books to discuss:

* Idiot's Guide to Mirrors
* Book of Goldfish Names: P-Z


April 26, 6:45 p.m. at Dwayne & Sharlene's condo

Announcements

Kaynesport Community Center Announcement Board

* Public gravel eatings

Maria Mejito - April 30
Brendan Giles - May 4
James & Nadine Kershaw - May 15
Ernie Paulsen - May 28

* Vigils

- Carton of orange juice: April 28, 5:30 p.m. at Yockcheeze Baptist Church
- Rain puddle: April 30, 1:00 p.m. at the corner of Harman Blvd. & 9th Street
- Melted ice cube: May 3, 3:30 p.m. at Ruth & Bernard Jamison's condo (450 Wintworthe Street, East Kaynesport)

* Nationally-televised chewings (only on WDERTV)

Bruce Blakeley's toes: May 24, 7:00 p.m.
Gwen Ventura's hair: June 2, 8:00 p.m.

* Semi-pro pointing

June 1 - Falling rain (weather permitting)
July 22 - Dan Burkhalter
August 14 - Stop lights/yield signs
September 1 - Leaves

* Other upcoming event:

- Lightly-shoving Patricia Vincent - May 19-20


Info: Kaynesport Community Center  555-1187

Opportunities

I built a french bread boat and I'm going to sail around the world.

If interested in splitting sandwich meat/condiment costs, give me a call.


** Looking to sail away by June 22 **


Jeremy  555-3049

For sale

Leaves


* Brown, yellow and green available
* $.25 each or 10 for $2


Steve  555-4022

Wanted

I am need of one sock, preferably white.

Some holes are fine.

Steve  555-4022

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Spring, 2014 meeting

On the agenda:

* Copies of the new documentaries Andrea Eats A Pear and Andrea Brushes Her Teeth - 2/7/14 are now available on DVD for $10. Please see Linda under stair 2
* Andrea's new belt: Q&A
* Andrea doesn't like sweet potatoes anymore


April 22, 6:00 p.m.

Services

Need cabinet doors opened?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

Public service announcement

Let's put an end to ceiling fan on ceiling fan crime

Call 555-1003 to find out how you can help

Announcements

Kaynesport Historical Society announces its newest addition: the city's largest pollen pool.

Two chances to witness this historic event: May 2-19 & June 7-24

Call the KHS at 555-4419 for tour schedules

Religious visions

An image of our lord and savior appeared on a potato chip the other day.

There is also a light-yellow holy mark near Jesus' chin that has been confirmed as a sign of the lord blessing us.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my linen closet.


* $300 per viewing
* Replica Jesus Chips also available


1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport

For sale

CDs


* When Harry Bought a Bootleg Copy of When Harry Met Sally soundtrack - various artists
* She Came In Through the Bathroom Mirror - Sheldon & Joyce


$1.25 each or both for $2
Kia  555-0014

Services

Need cabinet doors closed?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For sale

Used books

The Girl With the Water Fountain Tattoo - Niles Shane
The Paving of Lot 49 - Wendy Bly
The Lettuce in the Rye - Garrison Glaus


$5 each
David 555-0099

Promotional poster

Missing

I'm missing some of my hair; last seen on my head Monday afternoon at the NoPay grocery store on Kerwin Street.

Here's an artist's rendering of the hair lying on the floor of the store:

* Reward shampoo offered *

Any information, please call Arnett or Paula  555-3844

For sale

* "Grandpa" - original crayon on construction paper
* Four-year old (male human) & 19-day old (hermit crab) free with purchase


Call for pricing list
Walt & Amanda  555-7444

Wanted

I'm looking to purchase one brown, left-footed construction boot, preferably a size 12 men's.

Willing to pay as much as $8 or the equivalent in empty paint cans.


Gus  555-2291

For sale

Hot dog juice


$5/gallon or .50 for drop on tongue
Tommy 555-4669

For sale

1/2 bagel

* Poppy

$2

Didi  555-0117

Help wanted

Looking to hire a personal intern to help with a number of things, including:

* Scratch my elbow(s)
* How many times have I looked at my watch?/What time is it? (you look at my watch)
* Hold this tissue while I lick the tissue
* Did anything just howl/bark?


** You also need to be OK with me lightly chewing on your fingers once a week, preferably Monday mornings, 8am-9:30am **


Let's work out a fair contract for both of us
Dwayne  555-2323

For sale

Sand

** Appeared in the hit reality TV show Who Won't Eat Sand?!


$.02/grain
Jim & Nadine  555-4494

For sale

Slightly-used paper towel

* Contains some honey mustard dressing
* Also available: one shirt button (inquire within)


$3
Kenneth  555-8817

Services

Need salt and/or pepper shaken onto anything?

* Will provide my own salt *


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For sale

Goldfish


* Orange
* Won at the "Guess That Smell" booth at the Kaynesport County Fair (October 20, 2013)
* Used in the filming of Rosa's 2014 music video for the hit song You Give Goldfish A Bad Name


$2
Patti  555-4771


** Ask about our water/plastic bag program **

Opportunities

All-you-can-eat sandpaper

* For a limited time *


Bryson  555-6100

For sale

Used play scripts


* Grape Jelly Stain of a Salesman
* 4:30, Part 2
* The Phantom of the Youth Cheerleading Parent's Meeting


$5 each
Cathy  555-1100

Album

Meetings

Calendar Watchers
Spring meeting

On the agenda:

* Remembering December, 2007
* Wednesdays: Q&A
* Why we're skipping June this year


March 31, 4:30 p.m. at Maureen & Rodney's condo

Destinations

The Kaynesport Preservation Society's April showcase: the town's first bridge!

* Brought to you thanks to a generous grant from the P.C.N.KPS (The People Camped Out Near The Kaynesport Preservation Society).


Call 555-4419 for tour schedules

Opportunities

Learn how to speak fluently with a toothbrush in your mouth!

My two-week tutorial is available now.


Other tutorials for sale:

* How To Balance A Check Book On Your Nose
* Naming The Individual Ants In Your Ant Farm: Boys Names
* How To Breathe With Your Nose & Mouth Stuffed With Fried Calamari


Buy each tutorial on one DVD or five VHS


Call for pricing list
Michelle  555-9443

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Will Anyone Date My Cousin? - Season 2
* America's Got Headaches - First season
* We're Living In A Mud Pit! - Season 3
* Librarian Husbands - Season 5
* Changing Tires With The Stars - Complete series


$6 each
Kiesha  555-0033

For sale

Some cranberry juice

[Photograph aged four hours)


* Plastic cup includes some lipstick
* Also available: seven-year old (Taylor)


$8
Dan & Cynthia  555-2200

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's scratch the crazy off of you"

* Fear of a clothed antelope
* Excessive pointing at parking lot oil stains
* "I make linguine, then pour it into my work boots"
* Embellishing how often my guinea pig speaks
* "I hate my granddaughter's cursive 'J'"
* Yield sign tattoo regret


Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-0119

For rent

Wall socket

* Close proximity to the carpet *


$7.50/half hour
Dennis  555-4337

Promotional poster

Wanted

I'm trying to purchase one slipper, preferably light blue.

Willing to offer as much as $4 or the equivalent in handwritten directions to various places.


Vanessa  555-4887

Meetings

For sale

I'm selling most of my New Years resolutions. They didn't work for me, maybe they could for you.

* Don't call back Eric until he calls you
* Go through a drive-thru line wearing a giraffe mask
* Point at rain more
* Teach long division to a cocker spaniel
* Get 100 signatures on your Let Ice Cubes Marry petition
* Fall in love with a postage stamp
* Play an entire game of pick-up basketball while chewing on a tree branch


Call for pricing list
Julius  555-0119

Events

KYBA (Kaynesport Youth Basketball Association)
Post-season banquet

Schedule of events:

6:55 p.m. - Air saxophone district 5 championship team performs the national anthem
7:00 p.m. - mingling. (with penguins)
9:00 p.m. - Banquet

- Awards to be given out:

* Smallest Ears
* Worst Shot (The Daquan Thompkins Award)
* Older Sister With The Worst Breath
* Clumsiest Dribbler
* Most Annoying Grandfather
* 2014 Tripandfall Award

10:00 p.m. - Fire ant auction
10:45 p.m. - Begin security escorts to basement supply closet
11:15 p.m. - Begin security escorts to parking garage


April 5 at Kaynesport Ballroom

Meetings

Plumptin Times
Editorial meeting

On the agenda:

* Our obituary page is not for pictures of burnt toast
* No matter how many times they send us press releases and photographs, Competitive Knee Pinching is not a sport
* The new Smelliest Lady Of The Week page: Q&A


March 17, 8:00 a.m.

Services

Need a stain on the shirt of a family member, friend or co-worker pointed at?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

Meetings

Items to discuss:

* Andrea doesn't like apple juice anymore
* Our field trip to Andrea's middle school orchestra room has been moved to May 7th
* Andrea's new cell phone charger: Q&A

For sale

Photograph of the sidewalk in front of my house

* Only three left
* One contains some grape jelly


Debbie  555-1007

Disconnections

You and I were in the same yoga class the other day. I was chewing on my mat and offered you a corner to chew on.

I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me, especially when I asked if I could borrow some dental floss, and you said you didn't bring any dental floss.

How many elbow pads was I wearing on each arm?


Jamia  555-1444

Openings

Vern's Video Games
Grand opening!


Tons of the hottest games for sale, including:

* Exit The Parking Garage
* Craig The Periodontist Slayer III
* Get My Momma To Church! - The Video Game
* Stay On Your Moped!


Vern's - 635 Durly Avenue, Kaynesport

For sale

Milk carton


* About 3 ounces of milk left inside sold separately


$3
Danny  555-2219

Item found

Bowtie

Found early-Friday morning outside my apartment, looks like it might have a family. If he/she is yours, give us a call.

* Doesn't respond to Samantha


Gwen & Terry  555-7334

For rent

Cucumber top

$4/half hour
Patricia  555-5113

Meetings

F.C.F.T.C.H. - Plumptin County chapter

Spring fundraising meeting: March 9, 1:00 p.m.

For sale

Pharmacy bill

* $47.39 owed
* I'm at the pharmacy at Paynow Grocery store #117 in a red dress. I'll be pointing to the pharmacy window.
* Free six-year old (Taylor) with purchase


$50
Cynthia  555-2200

Public Service Announcement

Free items

Ernie  555-3232

Meetings

Friends of Ken Jennawitz
March meeting

On the agenda:

* We've added the following items to the spring auction: shoelaces from Ken's sneakers when he fell into the river last fall, three saltine crackers Ken didn't eat in January
* Ken doesn't like squash anymore
* November 10, 2012: the day we had an accidental surprise retirement party for Jenn Kenniwitz


March 5, 4:00 p.m. at Walter & Ben's condo

Disconnections

We were both on aisle 7 at the grocery store the other day and I was trying to see how many slices of rye bread I could fit into my mouth.

We made eye contact twice, then I thought you had noticed the broken pieces of potato chip that were scattered all over the floor. I picked up a handful of the chips and offered you some.

What was I not wearing, socks or shoes, or both?


Damion  555-8115

Promotional poster

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Are You Sweatier Than Paul?
* Let's Staple Hamburger Buns To That Old Man - season 4
* Countdown to 10:30: Iowa City
* Where Are My Shoes?! - final season


$4 each
Tina  555-9117

Events

The Derweezo Circus traveling freak show is coming to a town near you!

Check out our freaks:

* The man not wearing shoes
* The mailbox that can't speak
* The girl with pierced ears
* The gray-haired man
* The tarantula with no elbows
* The woman who every Sunday attends church with her microwave
* The salmon who refuses to wear a top hat
* The unused paper plate


Derweezo Circus
555-3449 for tickets

Services

Need anything on a fast food restaurant menu pointed at?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

Public Service Announcement

Meetings

Mayo King Fast Food - Store #42
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* A customer's shoe is not an acceptable place for to-go food
* There's no such thing as a wearing a jacket tax


Monday, 10:00 a.m.

Services

Handy-man for hire

I can perform a variety of odd jobs, including:

* Shouting insults at dripping tap water
* "Let's run over to that man and chew on his ankles"
* Pointing at clocks and revealing 1. the time of day 2 the time of day in a few seconds
* Making envelopes out of pieces of pizza/later: mailing things


Call for rates and availability
Shakeem  555-8118

Meetings

KSC - Kaynesport chapter

Spring kickoff meeting: February 23, 7:00 p.m.

Missing

I'm missing the heel of my left shoe.

Here's a photograph of it, taken Monday:

If anyone has any information, please contact me. Reward magazine subscription cards offered.


Dwayne  555-6115

Meetings

The Kerwin Daniels House
Upcoming meeting schedule

February 23 - F.M.H. (Finding Mud a Home). 6:30 p.m. in room 5
March 5 - What The Book? book club, spring meeting. Featuring discussion on several books, including A Tale of Two Shin Bruises and The Idiot's Guide To Paper Clips
March 12 - Women Named Beth, spring '14 kick off meeting. 8:00 p.m. in room 14b
March 24 - Record release party for the 20th anniversary edition of Stairway to Parking Garage by Rory Vincent Band
March 30 -  March 31st Eve countdown, begins at 11:30 p.m. in the main auditorium


Kerwin Daniels House - 640 Derwood Lane, Kaynesport

For sale

Carrot pieces

* Rare


Call for pricing list
Brenda  555-4019

Wanted

I'm in the market for one pant leg, left or right, from a pair of brown men's pants.

Will pay upwards of $8, or, if interested, the equivalent in parking stubs.


Lucas  555-2281

For rent

Chair

$7/hour

** Free hugs with rental agreement (ladies only) **


Jeremy  555-3049

Featured works

This month's Bobby Classifieds Featured Works is graffiti artist Lemp.

Lemp exhibition now through March 5 at Plumptin Gallery - 99 Zeoli Blvd.

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* My Elbow Hurts! - full series (three-disc set)
* Who Wants To Glue Leaves To A Millionaire? - season 2
* Paper Football Championship: Knoxville


$7 each or all four for $25
Kavon  555-0019

Help wanted

I need someone to help me finish painting my sign.

I eventually want to have the word CRAWFISH with an arrow pointing to the right, but so far I just have C, R and A and I've run out of paint.

* Payment available in cash or in empty spray cans
* Call for directions to the wall, among other things


Derrick  555-3997

Public Service Announcement

Services

Need someone to check the temperature of your food?

* February specials *

- Soup: $5/bowl; up to four temperature checks
- Children's food (three years old or younger): $7/taste


Joe Maglio  555-9995

Announcements

Kaynesport Pythons Baseball
Additions to the 2014 promotional calendar


April 4 - Pen cap (first 5,000 fans)
April 5 - Envelope of pine cone pieces
April 17 - Throw radishes at the bat boy
May 19 - Plane Tray Table Night
May 22 - Pythons mini helmet of dishwashing detergent
June 14 - Napkin Night


Call 555-3818 for tickets

Promotional poster

Services

Do you feel you've made a mistake naming your child?

Are you looking to start over?


Barbara  555-8887

* Spring, 2014 special: names beginning with the letter R just $10 *

For hire

Sweeper

* Finalist on the 2008 reality TV show Wiping Up Spills With The Stars
* Will have my own mop, starting February 11th


Steve  555-4499

For sale

Movies on VHS

* Using The Bathroom At Tiffany's
* Thursday, Part 3
* Things We Lost In The Baked Ziti
* Dental Floss: Impossible


$3 each
Gavin  555-7991

Item found

Lint ball

We found this little guy near our drier a few weeks ago and haven't had any luck finding him a new home.

We still believe the right owner is out there somewhere.

* Weighs about two ounces
* Doesn't respond to Charlie


Ernie & Bernice  555-2291

Help wanted

Need to hire an assistant/intern to count how many napkins I use over the next 12 months. It's for a book I'm writing, so I'm also going to need an applicant who can edit and/or write a book.

* Will pay in Chinese food takeout menus
* Ladies only


Trent  555-1109

Wanted

I'm looking to purchase one right-footed roller skate, doesn't matter the color or size.

Will offer as much as $5 or the equivalent in cat food.


Serious offers only.

Danny  555-0103

Disconnections

We were both in the lobby of the movie theater on Friday night and I kept buying popcorn and adding it to my popcorn pool on the floor.

I asked you if you wanted to "take a dip" and offered you some sun-tan lotion (butter) and one of my old bathing suits.

How long did I say my all-time record was for consecutive seconds drinking at the water fountain?

Bruce  555-0117

For sale

Magazines

* Air French Horn (March, 2007)
* Pointing At Cabbage (January, 1999)
* What Time Is It? (August, 2005 - 2:20 and 10:15 double issue)
* Ice Cube Historian's Monthly (December, 2009)


$4 each
Vanessa  555-6617

For sale

Portions of phone book

* F-L & P-R available for Shermer County
* Free law office refrigerator magnet with purchase
* Appeared in the 2014 documentary Calling Linda Ralston Again


$6 or best offer
Calvin  555-6460

Public Service Announcement

Services

Advice lady for hire

* Don't polish your furniture with raspberry preserves
* What not to shout at a middle school play
* Wearing a blouse and skirt into the shower
* Stop brushing your teeth with malt vinegar
* You can't take a vegetable peeler to a gun fight
* Where to/where not to take your turtle for a walk at a funeral


Call for hourly rates
Belinda  555-1113

Promotional poster

Meetings

Friends of Ron Donaldson
January meeting


On the agenda:

* Our field trip to the fire ant hill on Ron's front lawn has been moved to February 9th
* Are the fingernails on Ron's left hand too long?
* Ron doesn't like artichokes anymore


January 30, 4:30 p.m. at Greg's condo

TV listings

WDER's new Sunday lineup

7:00 p.m. - Harriet & Kevin Rap The Weather
7:30 p.m. - F.P.C.H. (Finding Pine Cones a Home) weekly meeting telecast
8:30 p.m. - Looking For Contact Lenses With The Stars
9:30 p.m. - How Many Pretzel Crumbs Are On Barry's Shirt?


WDER

Kaynesport - channel 23
Ookamondo - channel 44
East Plumptin - channel 37
Durly Valley - channel 56
Chunce County - channel 9

Services

Need something buttoned or zippered up?

Shirts: $3 per buttoning
Jackets: $5 (button or zipper)
Pants: seasonal


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For sale

Chair

* Blue
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Musical Chairs: 2nd Grade
* Must re-assemble yourself


$27
D'Angelo  555-4008

Disconnections

In the produce section of the grocery store the other day I was licking several vegetables and offered part of each vegetable for you to lick.

I noticed you weren't able to take your eyes off of me.

What liquid was spilling out of my shoes?


Harold  555-7600

Promotional poster

Announcements

Sandcastle building contest

The Bobby Classifieds - (128th of 347)

Public Service Announcement

Save the sunflower seeds

Help us keep the shells on

Call  555-0017

Meetings

Calendar Watchers
Winter, 2014 meeting

On the agenda:

* Remembering November, 2013
* Days We Can Do Without with Dr. Elroy Riles, Part 10: May 9th
* Tuesdays: Q&A


January 22, 7:00 p.m. at Rodney's apartment

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared in a water stain on my ceiling. There is also a whitish-brown holy mark near Jesus' left ear that I believe is a sign of the lord blessing us.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my kitchen.


Viewings now and until the end of February.

$140/half hour
844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

Services

Need a light bulb changed?

Tired of Joe Maglio changing the light bulb, then staying at your house all day and keeping the lights on the entire time, then taking the bulb back and leaving?

You have other options.


Vinnie Maglio  555-1188

Featured works

This month's Bobby Classifieds Featured Works is graffiti artist LJIL

LJIL exhibition now through February 1 at Kaynesport Gallery - 310 Derwood Street, downtown

Opportunities

Adopt a portion of my living room wall

* Close proximity to the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard
* Appeared in the public access TV show Pointing At Walls With Paul
* One dachshund (age 2) available for adoption as well


Paul  555-6671

Casting call

The Derwood Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Death of a Salesman's Station Wagon.


* Young Julio
* Lettuce whisperer
* Eggplant Face band manager Clarence Crawford
* T.W.H. (Tomatoes Without Homes) regional director
* Murray, the ceiling fan of wisdom
* Pierre: half-man, half-salami sandwich
* Pita Bread Girl/Pita Bread Girl alter-ego Melanie Blake
* Voice of the singing stop sign


** We're also looking for an actor to portray Jesus Christ, but in an elephant costume **


Auditions are February 8 from 11:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. at Derwood Playhouse: 450 Venley Avenue, Kaynesport

Meetings

Friends of Rory Bainbridge
January meeting

On the agenda:

* Rory no longer likes to wear tube socks
* Last December's accidental surprise birthday party for Corey Cambridge: Q&A
* Our field trip to the spot where Rory defeated Kenny Garrison in the 50-yard dash in fourth grade has been moved to March 18th
* Rory doesn't eat watermelon anymore


January 15, 5:30 p.m. at Mike's condo

For sale

Piece of broccoli

* Plastic, but still edible with the right condiment
* Appeared in the 2013 film Babysitter Hippo
* Free four-year old with purchase


$18 or best offer
Janet  555-2298

** Also available: real broccoli **

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Countdown To 6:15 p.m.: Reno
* How Many Sunflower Seed Shells Are Under The Seat Of My Car?!
* My Elbow Hurts! - season 2
* Let's Glue Tortilla Chips To That Old Woman - season 1


$6 each
Hal  555-2291

For sale

A guy named Keith


$400 or best offer
Keith   555-4669

Wanted

Looking to purchase a few items for a play I'm working on.

* One 4 x 6 piece of orange construction paper
* Something with the word LAZY BULLFROG spray painted on it
* A work ID badge for a man named Wayne
* One 8-ounce cup of sawdust
* AUDITIONS TODAY signs (need about 5)

** I'm also looking for someone who can talk an old woman out from under a bed. No experience necessary. **


Diane  555-9976

Services

Need potato chips crumbs picked off your shirt and eaten?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For sale

Noodles

$1 each or all six for $5
Wendy  555-3449

Disconnections

I was ahead of you in the grocery store deli line the other day. I had bought several pounds of lunch meat and was adding slice after slice to my pile and then trying to skateboard over it.

I asked you to be one of the judges for my next run and I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.

Which color gravy was all over my shirt?


Gavin  555-3300

For rent

Husband

Wayne
Age: 43

Achievements:

* Ate Derwood County record 14 pine cones (March, 1992)
* Voted "best smile" in high school yearbook (June, 1996)
* Once mimed brushing his teeth for over seven consecutive minutes
* Extra in the 2002 film Wasp Nests At Tiffany's
* Recently was assistant coach on the Tigers youth basketball team that went 4-7


$8/hour
Evelyn  555-0126

** Hurry, Candice is interested **

For sale

Empty soy sauce packet collection

* Over 500
* Comes with some free soy sauce


Entire collection or individual packets available
Tim  555-3228

For rent

Couch space

* Seats four ferrets comfortably
* Some vomit on right side
* Couch's location is in close proximity to peanut shell road 7


$8/half hour
Stefan  555-1191

For sale

Documentaries on DVD

* Buying Celery
* Watching Paul Watch A Nature Documentary
* Returning Celery


$5/copy or all three for $12
Percy  555-1110

Missing

Sweet potato

[Age progression photo from 12 hours ago]


We've lost one of our sweet potatoes, missing since Tuesday evening.



Beverly or Titus  555-8770

* Reward avocado offered *