January 31, 2013

For sale


- $28,000 left to pay
- Papers come in near-mint condition white envelope
- Free piece of driveway with purchase

Chuck & Valerie 555-3381

January 30, 2013

For sale

VHS movies

* Retail Salesman Of The Rings
* Honey, I Stapled Toll Booth Receipts To The Kids


* When Is It Going To Be 4:15 p.m.?
* Phoning Carl Peavy

$3.50 each
Marc  555-2222

January 29, 2013


Need a dishwasher/microwave opened?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

January 28, 2013

For rent

Ant hill

* Plenty of ants free with rental agreement
* Close proximity to the sidewalk

$7/half hour
Trevon  555-2881

January 27, 2013

For sale

Piece of broccoli

$2 or best offer
Calvin  555-0022

** Hurry, Larry is interested **

January 26, 2013


Posted meetings at Kaynesport Hall
Week of January 27

Save The Pistachios - West Plumptin Chapter
* January's Lost Shells: A Remembrance. January 27, 1:30 p.m.

Mashed Potato War Recreation Society
* January 28 rehearsal moved to 5:30 p.m.

First-ever ice cube wedding
* Rehearsal dinner: January 30, 6:00 p.m. at the 4th floor kitchen's freezer

The People On Andrea Fleming's Stairs
* How do we get back underneath the stairs? January 31, 1:00 p.m. on stair 11 & 12

S.O.S.L. (Separation of Sawdust & Lasagna)
 * Winter meeting February 1 at 2:00 p.m.

To post a meeting call 555-4401

January 25, 2013

For sale

Fire hydrant

* Silver
* Mud included with purchase
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Catch Fire?!

Frank  555-4499

** Must provide own water **

January 24, 2013


Wool scouring pad taste-tester for hire

Call for rates and availability
Roger  555-0330

January 23, 2013



* Perry
* Last seen on Monday on Pier 6, finishing an anchovy

Kaye & Ess  555-3993

January 22, 2013

For sale

Front lawn

* Close proximity to the driveway
* Appeared in the reality TV show Who Won't Get Run Over By A Lawnmower?!

$450 for entire lawn
Tiffany  555-2866

January 21, 2013


Migliaccio's Italian Restaurant
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* At the end of the birthday song, we do not repeat the phrase "worst day of the year"
* Put on your apron after your work shirt and vest
* Putting to-go food in customer's pants pockets was not on the training video

January 23, 10:00 a.m.

January 20, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Don't let this happen to your apple.

Call P.E.T.F.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Fruit  555-6466

January 19, 2013


Need someone to hold the tissue while you blow your nose?

$2/tissue for adults
$4/tissue for children 12-under

Joe Maglio  555-9995

January 18, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Highway On-Ramp: Confidential
* Who Wants to Glue Things to a Millionaire? - Season 5
* Toll Plaza: Phoenix
* Where's My Vacuum Cleaner?! - season 1

$8 each
Miranda 555-7551

January 17, 2013


Ice cream cone

"Arnold" was a vibrant, young cone made with lots of pastry flour who fulfilled his last wish: holding vanilla ice cream at a six-year old's birthday party.

We had just received word Arnold would appear in the 2013 update of the Encyclopedia of Dropped Ice Cream Cones (Chocolate House Publishing) when he was dropped and left in a pile of mud.

Funeral services/garbage disposal burial are set for January 19 at 2:30 p.m. in the back of Dean's Ice Cream Shop, where Arnold met his first sprinkle.

January 16, 2013

For sale

Discount beverages for sale

Now available:

- Mystery cola 1 (brown)
- Tap water (*rare*)
- Mystery cola 2 (clear w/floating orange stuff)

** All liquids come in 6 oz. plastic bags **

Call for pricing list
Diane  555-3301

January 15, 2013

For sale


$2 or best offer
Tevin  555-4911

January 14, 2013

For rent


* Gray w/two small holes near left arm pit
* Worn by Dean Blakely in the 1998 documentary film Field Of Deans

$6/half hour
Greg  555-4955

January 13, 2013

For sale

Water bill

* $55.60 due, but just $37.40 due immediately
* Several cups of water free with purchase

Trent  555-4120

January 12, 2013



Missing since Thursday and we're very concerned because he's never been too far away from his outlet.

Mick & Joanne  555-9945

January 11, 2013

For sale

Most of a golf club

* Some maple syrup on grip
* Golf head not available until January 18

Frank  555-4975

January 10, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Let's Glue Raviolis To Joey - Season 3
* Bus Stop: Kansas City
* Do You Have More Poison Ivy Than A Third Grader? - Final season
* Wiping Up Spills With The Stars - Season 4 w/outtakes

$8 each
Vincent  555-7717

January 9, 2013

For sale

Coffee mug

* Two-piece set
* Mug piece holds about two inches of liquid
* Interesting trades for whole mugs considered

$3 each or $5 for both
Otis  555-1991

January 8, 2013


Vance's Chicken Shack
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* We do not perform oral surgery at the drive-thru window
* The following employees are no longer allowed to use the restrooms: Janice, Kamesha, Bryce
* Please do not accept any more cranberries as currency

January 16, 11:30 a.m.

January 7, 2013

For sale

Grocery bill

* $41.77 due
* At register 8, Paysoon Grocery Store #136. I'm in a sleeveless, white t-shirt with a dancing taco conga line on the front.
* Free hug with purchase (ladies only)

Only serious offers, please
Stanley 555-4401

January 6, 2013


Kaynesport Carolers
Post-Christmas meeting

On the agenda:

* The following people will be demoted from singers to swayers in 2013: Calvin, Patricia, Keontay and Sam
* There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for flasks of bourbon
* Our idea to build snowmen in living rooms during "Frosty The Snowman" was not received well

January 8, 10:30 a.m. at Garrett's condo

January 5, 2013

For sale

Two balloons

* Gold with black string
* Most recent home was one of the dining room chairs, but they also have experience being attached to the mailbox

Both for $9 or $5 each ($.35 string cutting fee included)
Harriet & Brendon  555-2119

January 4, 2013


Handy man for hire

"Yes, I can do that!"

* Giving first names to individual hairs on your head
* Plastic bag eating contest judge and/or public address announcer
* Wearing shin guards & elbow pads into the shower
* Light switches for dummies
* Making envelopes out of toupees/mailing things
* "I can fit an entire salad bowl in my mouth"
* Pointing Olympics coach

Call for prices and availability
Xavier  555-8118

January 3, 2013


Recent additions to winter, 2013 schedule of events at Derwood Creek:

* Creek water drinking contest semi finals/finals, January 11-12
* Pointing At Leaves With Steve final episode of season 5 will air live on January 26 at 1:00 p.m.
* 'Do not cross' sign auction, February 18

For ticket information, call 555-2291

January 2, 2013



Missing since Monday and he's never been away from his sand. We're very worried.

Thomas & Jill  555-4888

January 1, 2013

For sale

Christmas items

* CD copies of Peggy Cliff's classic holiday album It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January

$3 each

* Christmas tree needles

- 120 available

$.7 each or all 120 for $8

* Santa beard hair

- White
- Some of the hair includes rare mustard stains
- Ask about our layaway plans

Wanda  555-3668