December 31, 2009

Buffoons for hire

** Just flown in **

- Over 20,000 in stock
- Perfect for gluing things to
- Plenty of Derwoods available



Tonight at 8:00 p.m., it's the Bobby Classifieds' 2nd annual A Cookin' New Years Eve!

Hosted by John Plum and Sissy Paddock


Stand-up comedian Hunclebunk

Brought to you by:

Celery Sock

Beginning tonight at 8:00 p.m., right after the season finale of Get My Momma to Church! on WDER.

December 30, 2009

For sale


Swamp & Crawler (November, 1997)
Greg (May, 2006)
Bologna Jacket Maker (November, 2009)

$5 each
Liam 555-0070


75% off


December 29, 2009

For sale

1987 Verk Juzter XE

* 537,000 miles
* Steering wheel in good shape

$50 or best offer
Marty 555-1327

December 28, 2009

For sale


Age: 8
Pluses: Has third grade connections
Minuses: Still won't let anyone wash his Mr. Blankey; literally has two left feet
Favorite meal: Bowls of ketchup with sugar cubes

Age: 7
Pluses: Ears pierced since 2006
Minuses: On school bus, sits in seat above tire; sneezes into a paper bag/saves sneezes
Imaginary friend(s): Henry (deceased)

$80 each

Mrs. Frederick

December 27, 2009

For sale

Autographed potatoes

A - Alejandro $40
B - Dennis Boddicker $30
C - Bobby Feathers $115



December 26, 2009

New product

Ernigers-brand Lettuce Juice

* Now with 35% more pencil
* Recommended by four out of five guys named Ben
* Contains plenty of Vitamin Zheb kids need to play video games

Pick up a bottle today!


Grumson, Linus & Nultz Law Offices
2009 Holiday Party

Schedule of events:

7:00 p.m. - Firings: Heather Banneker, Tim Winkley
7:10 p.m. - Cream of Broccoli Soup Dunk Tank - semi finals/finals/consolation finals
8:30 p.m. - Let's Hide Mr. Grumson's Hair Piece
9:15 p.m. - Live musical performance by It Couldn't Be Head Lice
11:00 p.m. - Award ceremony:

- Chubby Wrists Award
- Furthest Parking Space from Door
- Best Pointer

12:00 a.m. - 16th annual Snow Shovel Your Way to the Parking Lot

December 29 at Nunch Valley Ballroom

December 25, 2009

Home for sale

1/2 BR

Free with purchase:

- Uncle Miles
- Bologna Squad action figure set (includes Lunchmeat Larry)
- Uncle Miles' world-famous onion collection

** Used in the filming of the 1998 made-for-TV film The Ghost of Lawnmower 37

Open house - January 2 from 11:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
185 Quinkley Manor, West Dylan



King Deki Flea Market
Grand opening

Open Monday through Saturday, 8:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m.
King Deki's - 675 Weaver Way, Plumptin Industrial Complex

For sale

Discount Christmas items

Santa pants

* Size 44 (w/soy milk stain)


Boots (pair)

* Dead mouse in left boot

$7 each or two for $12

Mouse only


Little helper

* Brian
* 107 pounds
* Asthma


Chris 555-1002

December 24, 2009

New t-shirts available

Email to order

December 23, 2009


For more, email

December 22, 2009


Morris Street Movie House
Grand re-opening

January movies:

The Accidental Tortoise
Almost Gyros
The Her and I

Documentaries ->

These People Don't Smell Very Good
Invasion of Ernie Caldwell's Privacy


- Buy one get one free eight-year olds (new arrivals: Kevante, Madeline)
- Unused napkins now available

Morris Street Movie House
3400 W Morris Street, Kaynesport


Rooster for sale

Age: unknown
40-yard dash: 5.6

* At 2007 Crowlympics, won gold medal in mashed potato dive and bronze medal in luge

$60 or best offer
Chantelle 555-4410

December 21, 2009


The People in Emmit Chorley's Laundry Room
January meeting

Items to discuss:

* What not to do with the fabric softener
* Who is driving Emmit's guinea pig, Merle to his Bumblefoots Anonymous meeting?
* For our February 9th field trip to the upstairs bathroom, we still need deposits from: Rick, Vanessa and Que'Ontay

January 2, 6:00 p.m.

For sale

I've got some more of my domain names available at great prices.

$15 each
Bobby 555-2323

December 20, 2009

Nincompoops for hire

Over 10,000 in stock

* Perfect for stapling things to
* Now 31% more doofus

Call for prices and availability

Letter from the editor

Thanks to everyone who submitted a reindeer stew recipe; the winners will be announced on Christmas Eve as part of our annual Smelling Santa benefit to scrub the shampooless. Also, please stop mailing rubber unibrows as the contest ended December 5.

- Derwood Morris

December 19, 2009

For sale


Age: 46

Favorite sports team: the fictional Oddington Possums
Employer: Eric's Resume Building Co.
Claim to fame: Starred in 2005 reality TV show Will You Drive my Father to the Chiropractor?

$200 or best offer
Jennifer 555-9092

December 18, 2009


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #811
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not give hair cuts at the drive-thru window
* Next Friday's "Bring Your Raccoon to Work Day" has been cancelled
* The whereabouts of the honey mustard dressing sprinklers

December 21, 11:30 a.m.

December 17, 2009


Need the volume turned down on something?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

December 16, 2009

House for sale

11 BR
1/8 BATH

- Front door/windows sold separately

Formerly used as:

* Studio space for the production of the 1988 holiday album The Miseducation of Parson Brown
* Headquarters for Plumptin chapter of M.A.W.D. (Mothers Against Wheelbarrow Drag Racing)

Open house: December 22, 1:30 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
810 Jickson Crossing, East Plumptin

For sale

Play scripts

* Gentleman Prefer Asparagus
* Squirrels
* Insurance Salesman on the Roof
* The Phantom of the PTA Meeting

$6 each
Hillary 555-4004

December 15, 2009

For sale

Apartment-wide sale

* Mustard utility belt - $55
* Rubber ears (36 right, 35 left) - $40 or $2 each
* Oscar Rainbow cape/swiss cheese mask (rare) - $100
* Sneezes - $15/gallon
* VHS: $5 each

- Slippered Man Walking
- A Few Good Grapes

Dylan 555-6554

December 14, 2009

New show coming to WDERTOON

For sale

Old Bobby headquarters at PW-1 Street

* Sleeps one-sixth of a person comfortably
* Largest thumb collection in the world included with purchase


December 13, 2009

Casting call

The Plooqway Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in our adaptation of the Lawrence Riggen's play, A Streetcar Named The Number Six.

- Gerald: half-man, half-pepperoni pizza
- Dream Angela
- Voice of singing tabasco sauce
- Headless Albert
- Shampooman/Shampooman's alter ego, Brice Bainbridge
- Evil Wayne
- Mayor Colsen's private donkey
- Sock historian

* Also looking for anyone who knows how to talk a woman down from a chandelier *

Auditions will be held January 4-7 from 6:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. at Plooqway (3200 Chin Market Place)

Personal ads


Single, brown/white horse, age 5. Looking for a female horse of a similar color. Head must be skateboard-size or larger.

Andy box 07871


I finally caught a palmetto bug I'd been chasing since November. Hoping to meet a nice, young feline who can help me eat it.

Pepe box 66558

SBC. While practicing my counter dive-shadow swat, I knocked over my owner's antique vase. I need a place to hide while this thing blows over. Got a 1/2 bag of cat nip.

Morris box 30324


Single, white santa claus. Searching for a child in his/her early single digits with an attractive mommy who wouldn't mind kissing a man with chronically chapped lips and a fake beard encrusted with spicy mustard.

Chris box 49405

December 12, 2009

For sale

Old protest signs

"Give Talking Cartoon Lawnmowers a Chance"
"End Penguin Tossing by 2040"
"Get Out of My Garage!"

$7 each
Hal 555-0081


Kaynesport Youth Wrestling Club
Team meeting

On the agenda:

* Cauliflower ear should not be taken literally
* It's against the rules to have head gear made of cheese
* Strategy Sessions, part 3: pinching 'till you pin

December 14, 7:00 p.m. at the old gymnasium

December 11, 2009

Dreams for sale

This is a collection of some of my recurring dreams.

Great deals available -

* Editor for Nosy Orthodontist magazine
* The Poo Olympics dream
* I accidentally bump into Mick Jagger, he drops his groceries and I save one of his tomatoes before it rolls into the sewer. He says "thanks, that was my favorite one," and promises to write a song about our encounter, but he never does.
* On the bed of a pick up truck bathing in a tub of ranch dressing
* Starting quarterback for the Saskatchewan Roughriders
* Get married to Trevon's mother
* The pine cone eating contest dream
* Quarterbacks coach for the Saskatchewan Roughriders

Make me an offer
Aaron 555-3669

December 10, 2009

Puppy for hire

Age: 6
Nails: unclipped

Available for:

- Toosh sniffs
- Kangaroo puppet show audience

* Breath smells like rotten ladybugs *


December 9, 2009

Public service announcement

Support Local Lettuce

Call 555-4677 to find out how you can help

December 8, 2009


Kim Lee
Psychiatrist for hire

"'Is' is what it is when it wants to be where it was."

* Voices inside your garbage disposal
* Police horse envy
* "I hate my gardener's sideburns"
* Fear of drawings of sharks
* Embellishing orthodontic work
* Alphabaphobia (fear of misspelling the name of your phobia)
* Staple remover anxiety

Call for rates and availability

December 7, 2009


The Bobby Classifieds' second-annual A Cookin' New Years Eve is almost here!

* Hosted by John Plum and Sissy Paddock *

"Come complain about 2009 and ring in 2010 with us!"

Tentative schedule:

7:50 p.m. - Police escort up escalator
8:00 p.m. - National anthem performed by Eddie and the Uncoordinated
8:15 p.m. - Wet Ear Muff Contest - semi finals/finals
9:30 p.m. - Let's Get Ernie Harrington Drunk (sponsored by Travis Light Beer)
9:45 p.m. - Musical performance by Shampoo Overdose
11:30 p.m. - Countdown to 11:59
11:59 p.m. - Countdown to midnight
12:00 a.m. - Raccoon Head Drop & sermon by Reverend Donnie Niles: "God was here a minute ago, you just missed him"

Call 555-7625 to order your tickets

December 6, 2009

Rake for sale

* Won "Best Handle" at 2008 Lawnies
* Star of made-for-TV movie I Married a Feather Duster

Darnell 555-5579

Pine cole for sale

* Three ounces
* Perfect for:

- Pine cone soup
- Pine cone fights

$25 or $2 per scale
Terry 555-2774

December 5, 2009

For sale


Bologna Sandwich (January, 2007; March, 2007)
Roof & Crawler (April, 1995; December, 1995)
Porcupine Sports for Kids (May, 1990)

$9 each
Raj 555-2331

December 4, 2009


Schizophrenics Anonymous
Bi-monthly meeting

Items to discuss:

* It's not X-ray vision if the refrigerator door is open
* Look me in the eye when I'm talking to him
* The TV weather man does not want you to evacuate the city of Cleveland before the rain picks up

Wombat banjocupcakes: Lynette & Vin

December 6, 2:00 p.m. at the Feathers Mansion

December 3, 2009


The Kaynesport Salmon 18+ basketball team has been selected!

Players who made the final cut list:

1. Sid Eery
2. Otis Peakaboo
3. Ellis Yaycheez
4. Monty Bobo
5. Buddy Samples
6. Bingo Cershack
7. D'Crondrae Appelby
8. Clifton Didier
9. Blinky Samples
10. Poog Cronin
11. Johnny Pepper
12. Ta'Qwayshon Bennett

** Please report to practice, December 7 at 6:30 p.m. at the old gymnasium **


WDER-RADIO is your new home for the best in whistle/soft hum and talk radio!

New weekday lineup

Doofus Bob in the Morning
7:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.

Top 50 Whistles at Noon (with DJ Pistachio)
12:00 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.

The mid-day Decay with Ray Callaway's Toupee, Clay
3:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

Plumptin Deer Ticks Basketball
7:00 p.m. - Arnie Vanderells and Hall of Famer Stan "Cucumber" McMurtry on the call

Gary & Peg Sing the Five-Day Forecast
12:00 a.m. - 12:25 a.m.

New programming begins December 7!!

Upcoming station events

* Third annual Pancake Skyscraper Contest (sponsored by Lumpy's Maple Syrup) - December 12
* Let's Pay Station Manager, Wendy's Bail - December 15 (all day)

Call 555-WDER to sign up

Uncle for sale

Age: 42

* Former two-time Sauerkraut Sports midwest regional champion (1995, 1996)
* Tattoo on left forearm: "Cindy Foreva"
* Favorite snack: frozen soy sauce pops

$45 or best offer
Gwen 555-4642

December 2, 2009

Police report

Niles Quame
Age: unknown
Pants: no
Sandwich in pocket: ankle hair w/lettuce & dijon

December 1: Noodle Robbery. Mr. Quame was caught fleeing the 8th street Pasta Warehouse with eleven un-cooked fettuccine noodles, a half-pound of cooked rotini and Benny "Noodles" Montgomery, former bassist for the musical group Forehead.

Previous arrests:

May 12, 2006: Found with more than five gallons of elephant tears with intent to distribute

August 1, 1999: Taken into police custody after testing positive for performance-enhancing groundhog

Bail: $11


Now THAT'S art, or is it?, in conjuction with The Bobby Classifieds, presents the first annual Art Contest and Arm Pit Identification Spectacular! Each month, you decide which work of art is the best.

Finalists will be announced at ACAPIS, April 1, 2010.

December entries:

"Hobo Nightmare"
by Grant Wiest, Jasper City

"Ranch Goggles"
by Ernest Pepper, Kaynesport

* Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll
* To enter January's contest, email

November winner - "Celery Sock", by Valerie Timmons

December 1, 2009


A Novel Concept book club
December meeting

Books to discuss:

* Idiot's Guide to Elevators - Editor: Shirley Brammel
* Jellyfish Randolph Saves the State Fair - Les Babcock Jr.
* Essays on Mud - Samantha Horn
* Apples I've Yet to Finish - Cam Leonard

Squirrels in a blanket: Brice

December 6, 7:30 p.m. at Claire's town house

Fish for sale

Age: 7 months

We used to have a great relationship, but I think he finally got tired of all of my birthmark jokes. Plus, he's been sneaking around with this grouper while I'm at work and he thinks I don't know about it. It's time for both of us to start over.

$10 or best offer
Angela 555-8761

New show coming to TBC-TV

November 30, 2009


The Pals of Bradley Nelson
December meeting

On the agenda:

* Bradley's 50th birthday party last week: why it was only going to be funny if we pushed him onto his cake after the candles were blown out
* Who wrote in Bradley's 7th grade yearbook "Brad the Booger Man"?
* Bradley Fest 2010: we still need Chipmunk Toss judges & relish for the dunk tank

December 3, 5:00 p.m. at Chan & Beverly's house

November 29, 2009

For sale

Garbanzo beans

Perfect for:

* Head dress for Senor Garbanzo Halloween costume
* Bean toss tournaments

25 for $1
Ralph 555-7441

November 28, 2009

Home for sale


* Once owned by two-time Willie Ames look-alike contest runner-up, Jasper Cole
* Floor made of Munster cheese
* Used in the filming of the 2006 reality TV show Tarantula House

105 Polo-Jickson Circle, Kaynesport
Open house: December 6, 1:30 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.

Personal ads


SWM, age 36. I've perfected my fake sneeze and can use it in any situation.

Ellis box 77221

Single male, age 31. I've been an assistant dairy manager at the 17th street Paymuch grocery store for five years. Looking for a woman who's not afraid to cry over spilled milk.

Darren box 99327


SWF, sweaty and always on the hunt for corn beef. If you've got any corn beef and/or a bus pass, call me.

Sandra box 01457


Single, white snowman; melting.

Roger box 31763

November 27, 2009

Rejected Bobby logos

One of the highlights of 2009 was when the Bobby Classifieds selected its current logo, created by Tommy Odibey. We chose Odibey's logo over dozens that were sent in by readers. Here are the other three finalists that were considered:

Lily Garrison, age 9

J.T. Rhoden, age 17

Kippy McNamara, age 6

November 26, 2009


Plumptin Cobras 7th grade football
Post-season banquet

On the agenda:

7:30 p.m. - Return cleats, tube socks
7:45 p.m. - Coach Reggie's Hour of Disappointed Head Shakes
8:45 p.m. - Awards presentation:

* Wobbliest pass
* Fat ankle trophy
* Smelliest
* Worst punt

10:00 p.m. - Pigeon Auction

December 2 at the Nelson Morris Banquet Hall - 772 Jern-Kelley Blvd, East Plumptin

Door for sale

* White
* Used in the filming of the 1979 movie The Peephole Diaries
* Tree free with purchase

Nadine 555-7814

November 25, 2009

Domain names for sale

I need to unload these domain names. They didn't work for me, maybe they can for you.


Make me an offer
Bobby 555-2323

For sale

Children's toys

Plush dolls

* Rhino Reggie
* Whiny Martha

Rubber meats

* pork chop
* bologna slice (rare)

MURRAY game console

Comes with three games:

* Mashed Potato Man vs. Canada
* Pinch Olympics: Barcelona
* Prison Cafeteria Live 1997

Call for prices
Paul 555-8102


November 24, 2009



The "Butternut Squash Elvis" will be performing his No. 1 international hit I aint no Bowling Pin at the Kaynesport Amphitheatre, January 23-24.

Call 555-3324 for tickets

For lease

Historic building available for lease

Previous occupants:

- Uncle Bo's House of Half-Eaten Raisin Toast (2005-2009)
- Keegan Family Elbow Farm (1998-2005)
- M.A.T.T. (Mothers Against Teenage Tattletailing) headquarters (1997-1998)
- Yogurt Pool Supplies Inc. (1992-1997)
- Sneeze 98.9 FM (1976-1992)
- Buffy and Ty's Edible Ties & Thai Buffet (1974-1976)
- Unibrow Art gallery (1970-1974)
- Greazie/Roundhead-'70 campaign headquarters (summer/fall, 1970)

Open house: November 28, 12:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.

November 23, 2009

Glove compartment sale

Everything must go -

* Big toe w/chipped, yellow nail polish - $6
* Old insurance cards:

- 1972 Fingerscross (rare) - $25
- All others - 15 for $1 or .10 each

* Unidentified blueish-orange clump on paper towel - $12
* Paper towel - $1
* Half roast beef sandwich - $7
* CDs:

- I saw Mommy Tazering Santa Claus, Peggy Cliff
- Tree (looks like it's shady), Vito McNamara

* 1992 Lhint Glimmer, ZE

- 277,000 miles
- Dead parakeet melted to inside of back windshield
- Glove compartment items sold seperately

Eugene 555-7121


Kaynesport News-Messenger
Emergency staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* There's no such thing as "Bring your Doberman to work day"
* Daily coffee break reminder: white out is not a suitable substitute for creamer
* The obituary page is not for house plants

November 25, 5:00 p.m.

November 22, 2009

For hire


** For a limited time, available for crumb testing & cat pokes/pinches **

Acceptable methods of payment:

- Balloon earthworms
- Noodle Paco plush dolls

Call 555-1002

Husband for sale

Age: 47

Favorite activity: salvaging spilled mustard
Sleeps: in the bathtub
Pets: bobcat (Steve); photograph of a hamster (Juju)
Imaginary friend as a child: Robot Ron

* Appeared in the 1993 TV documentary Field of Genes

$140 or best offer
Claire 555-4301

November 21, 2009

For sale


Fingernail pieces

* Over 1,500 pieces
* Four special edition (with purple bruise/barbeque sauce clump)

Cat whisker art

* "Needle in a Haystack" - Patty Shane
* "Pile of Cat Whiskers" - J.T. Lemond

Autographed napkins

* The original Salamander Boy, Mars Wheatley
* Former National Shimples League Diminisher, Niles Powe
* Five-time Warthog Toss champion, Jennifer Yu

Call for price list
Doug 555-8819

November 20, 2009

For sale


Guns & Omelets (January, 1988)
Clipboard Enthusiast (special holiday issue: December, 2003)
Hiccup Sports for Kids (February, 1991; March, 1991)

$4 each
Vince 555-8172

November 19, 2009

Letter from the editor

I'll be the first to admit, Lettuce Sports did not take off like we thought it would. At this point, the 2012 Olympics appear to be wishful thinking. Also, please stop mailing us thumbs; the contest ended November 3.

- DM

November 18, 2009


Visit Derwoodia

"We were 'it' before it was what it is."

* Over 700,000 acorns
* Site of the 1991 and 1995 Raccoon Olympics
* Plenty of great fishing spots where you can catch Boogerfish, Kneecap, Freshwater Ernie and more
* Used in the filming of the 2006 reality TV show Insult Island

Call 555-2219 for more information or to book your next island getaway

Chair for sale

* Winning chair in 1989 Musical Chairs Southeast Regional Final (Ernie Shane Jr.)
* Used in the filming of the 2002 documentary A Bear Named Claire Ate My Chair
* House free with purchase

Rob & Vivian 555-6601

November 17, 2009

Special offer

Looking to fill the stocking of someone special this holiday season? Try Derwood-brand jelly beans.

Hundreds of flavors to choose from, including:

* Bruzzleberry
* Soy Sauce
* Grandpa Slipper
* Cabbage
* Zubblezerry  
* Napkin
* Betweentoes
* Hermet Crab
* Sideburn Surprise
* Milk


Stockings: 2 for $1

Derwood Jelly Bean Company
Call 555-1717 to order

November 16, 2009

For sale

Vinyl record albums

I Shaved my Stomach for This? - Nancy Woolard
Waiter, There's a Pair of Shorts in my Soup - The Murrays
Call the Pinch Police, Volume 2 - Jarret James (featuring Lil' Poppy Seed)

$8 each
Lauren 555-4455

November 15, 2009

For sale

Gum wrapper collection

* Over 450 wrappers

$100 or best offer
Randy 555-6883


Gus' Guns and Range
Grand re-opening

* Special condiment rifles: spicy mustard, ranch dressing and Gus Sauce now available
* Children shoot free Wednesdays

Enjoy our brand-new food court

- Featuring Abigale's famous Rooster Mush
- B.Y.O.S. (bring your own silverware)

Gus' - 550 Leyland Lane, Kaynesport