December 2, 2009

Police report

Niles Quame
Age: unknown
Pants: no
Sandwich in pocket: ankle hair w/lettuce & dijon

December 1: Noodle Robbery. Mr. Quame was caught fleeing the 8th street Pasta Warehouse with eleven un-cooked fettuccine noodles, a half-pound of cooked rotini and Benny "Noodles" Montgomery, former bassist for the musical group Forehead.

Previous arrests:

May 12, 2006: Found with more than five gallons of elephant tears with intent to distribute

August 1, 1999: Taken into police custody after testing positive for performance-enhancing groundhog

Bail: $11

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