Services

Blaine, Erniger & Shonsen
Attorneys at Law

"It isn't what it is unless it has to be."


* Cabbage abuse
* Acorn profiling
* Wrongful envelope massaging
* HDUI (hand drying under the influence)
* Misappropriation of earthworms


Call 555-7551 for a free consultation

For sale

1992 Takanawa Coyote Z3



* Steering wheel stolen (July, 2004). Temporary wheel made of egg noodles and glue


$130 or best offer
Jeremiah  555-4410

New product

Try new Sizzle Energy Drink



* 20% more pencil shavings, 40% more giraffe fur
* Contains plenty of Vitamin 7 kids need to play video games


Get Sizzled in three different sizes:

- 36-OZ bottle
- 82-OZ bucket
- 135-OZ wheelbarrow


Pick up yours today!

Police report

Danny Jelks
Age: 32
Pants: one leg


April 26: Arrested at a local basketball game for refusing to take off his cat mask during the national anthem.


Previous arrests

November, 2004: Arrested for driving under the influence of peacock feathers, a class C misdemeanor in Juttle County.

May, 1999: Taken into custody for kidnapping a head of lettuce. After demanding $3 in ransom money, Mr. Jelks eventually surrendered to police, claiming it to be "a dark day for the crouton."


JELKS, DANNY
Bail: $25

Openings

Smile Time Chinese Restaurant
Grand re-opening - May 2

"Where the customer is always rice!"


New dinner specials:

Children Arm - $9.95
Smile Time Cakes - $4 each
Loaf of Dwayne - 1/2 pound loaf for $10
Orange Fun Cubes - $6 plate; $2.99 half plate
Spicy Flavor Stick - $3
Fried Eyebrow Platter  (seasonal) - $4.99


* Trivia Fridays, featuring Bourbon Fred on the mic

* Hippopotamus-accessible


Smile Time Restaurant - 770 Oakdale Lane, Plumptin



Call 555-6662 for reservations/relationship advice

Obituary

Helen Charles
1908-2009

Best-known for organizing the 1974 Johnny's Cafeteria swedish meatball sit-ins, and as the Dylan County chapter president of Whiners/Complainers, Mrs. Charles died of an aluminum foil overdose. Had a short career in film, starring as Beatrice in the Operation: Boll Weevil trilogy. Married to the sea in 1945; divorced in 1953 after an argument over rip tides. 

Funeral services set for April 30, 5:30 p.m., then it's off to Fatty's for nickel beer night.

Meetings

The People in Julio Cabrera's Garage
May meeting



On the agenda:

- Juliorama 2009: what went wrong
- June 6 day trip to the front lawn-still need deposits from Gary, Mylin and Leanne


B.Y.O.S. (bring your own shoelaces)

May 2, 7:00 p.m.

Home for sale

4 BR
1/2 BATH
2 EASTER BUNNY COSTUMES


All utilities included:

* Maple syrup dispenser
* Oven light
* Artificial cricket noise


**Special**
The Girls of Mort's Worm & Tackle Shop 2003 calendar (missing July) - free with purchase


$7,000
Debbie and Vincent 555-8183

Educational opportunities

Oyster Valley Community College
Adult education courses now available


* Finding Guys Named Keith
Pre-requisite: Saying goodbye to Jeromes

* How to do a Chin-up

* Beginning Clock Radio

* Thawing Frozen Ground Beef
Pre-requisites: 

- Where in the grocery store is the ground beef?
- Where is the grocery store?


Courses begin May 15. Sign up today!
Registration hotline - 555-0016

Meetings

Chi-Chi Mexican Restuarant - Store #110
May staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* Please stop talking to the customers about our microwaves
* Why we need you to wear underwear and pants, not just underwear
* The whereabouts of Captain Enchilada


May 1, 2:30 p.m.

Destinations

Visit Lake Febbinshine



"The muddiest place on earth!"


* Two fishing docks where you can catch dozens of exotic fish, including:

- Detroit Bluefish
- Freshwater Nup
- Bandaidfish
- Rainbow Herman
- Newark Yellow Tail


* Wheelbarrow trails


* Hike Feathers Mountain
(Beware of Rory Vanderells, missing since July, 1988)


* Games for the whole family

Cantaloupe Toss
Ring Around Larry Meroni


** And coming to Lake Febbinshine in summer, 2009, a live taping of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Drown?!


Lake Febbinshine - 550 Lakeshore Avenue, Bronze City
Call 555-7661 for reservations

Services

Personal assistant for hire


* Uncle retrieval
* Choosing the right asparagus
* Struggles with ear muffs

* Don't smell that/smell that
* Hugs (*men only*)

and more!


Sandy 555-2491

Openings

The Museum of Partial Objects
Grand opening!




Spring/summer exhibits:

Right Nostrils of the Mediterranean (May 5 - June 25)
Some of the region's largest and smallest right nostrils on display, dating back to the 15th century.

Capolo's Door Knobs (June 26 - August 2)
The legendary crooner's collection of door knobs and handles, including the stretch limo trunk handle from his 1975 "Knee Deep in Spicy Mustard" tour.

Pieces of Andrew Fleming (August 3 - September 10) Exhibit includes the Italian painter's chipped teeth and rare severed thumb.


Also available for a limited time:

* Apple Core Mondays (Each Monday in June)


MOPO - 1570 Arthur Ewing Crossway, South Dylan

Meetings

Friends of Len Kesterson
Spring meeting


On the agenda:

* Len doesn't like scalloped potatoes anymore

* Who is driving Len's grandfather, Merle, to his pottery class graduation ceremony?
* F.O.L.K Flashback: November 11, 2004-the day we met Ken Lesterson


April 30, 7:00 p.m. at Nancy and Val's apartment