Announcements

The sandpaper-eating contest has been moved to February 25 in the East Annex, Plumptin.

Two divisions this year: 55-under and senior.

All competitors please remember to bring your celery helmet, cup of leaves and a drawing of a piece of bread.

- TBC staff

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"


* Fear of a clothed elephant
* Making a quiche out of a molehill
* The voices inside your soup
* Excessive stapling
* "I hate my step-father's laugh"
* Fear of harmonizing shampoo bottles


Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-0119

For sale

Couch




* Plenty of character/fire ants


$300
Kent 555-2332

Help wanted

Need help paying my cab fare


* $34.70 owed
* I'm on the sidewalk in front of the Beefy's Fast Food Hut, downtown Kaynesport
* Cherry air freshener potentially free with purchase


Hurry, many interested
Jerry 555-2291

Meetings

The Refrigerator Club
February meeting


Items to discuss:

- Why the pilot for the reality show Get My Grandpa Out Of That Refrigerator! wasn't picked up
- Potato chips do not need to be refrigerated
- 1st annual Refrigerator Races: how do we get started?


February 5, 7:00 p.m. at Tamika and Joe's town house




** Randy's Ice Cube Museum vacation slide show: 9:15 p.m., garage refrigerator **

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


Brush My Teeth! - Season 3
Lemonade Stand: Albuquerque- Season 1
Whose Hair Won't Catch On Fire?! - Final season w/deleted scenes
Watch Me Eat Acorns - Season 2


$6 each or $20 for all four
Miranda 555-7551

For sale

Peas


$.50 each or all 12 for $5
Dedrick  555-0100

** Ask about our payment plans **

Obituary

Charity Pershack
1921-2012

A long-time penguin runner in the black market mammal trade, Mrs. Pershack died suddenly, Monday morning when she was trapped in her refrigerator and later perished in the vegetable crisper. 

A member of a number of political activist groups, including S.O.E.S. (separation of ear and sandwich), she helped organize the 1987 Yince County tree house boycotts and the 2002 omelet riots after the publicized police beatings of a carton of free-range. 

She is survived by several (2?) desk lamps.

Funeral services are scheduled for January 28 at 5:00 p.m., then we're headed to McCaffertys for quarter draft hour.

For sale

Movies on VHS


To be Engaged to a Mockingbird
Almost Earless
Karate Hippo 3
Arthritic Elbow of a Salesman
Rodney and the Envelope Factory


$4 each
Samantha 555-4337

Services

Need your socks filled with sawdust?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Openings

Raheem's Jellybeans
Grand opening!




Exciting new flavors:

* Toast
* Brandon Toe
* Leaves
* Horse Breath 1
* Bandaid
* Grandma Slipper


Raheem's - 220 Orwin Blvd., Plumptin

Meetings

Men Without Socks
January meeting

Items to discuss:

* Why sheets of lasagna are not adequate substitutes
* Last Saturday's square dance with the Women Without Teeth: what went wrong
* Please welcome our 2012 honorary member, Carl Percy: the man without ankles


January 21, 6:00 p.m. at the Qwerce Country Club, Kaynesport

Meetings

Boristown High School yearbook staff
January meeting


On the agenda:

* "Weakest arms" and "ugliest sister" are not senior superlatives
* Vice principal Morris' toupee will not have its own page
* No matter how many photos they send, there's no such thing as The Keg Stand Club


January 20, 10:00 a.m. in media center

Award winner

2012 Build Your Dream House: 11th place

Congratulations to Horace, Vanessa, D'Keeshawn and the rest of the team.


- D. Morris