Call for actors and actresses!

JEAN SHORTS CO.


The Jean Shorts Theater Company is looking for actors and actresses to audition for roles in the upcoming musical The Olly Porter Story.

Audition for the roles of:

Old Olly
Mrs. Applegate
Troy
Coach Whitmore
Polly Peterson
Duffy the Dream Turtle
Voice of evil sideburns


Auditions: November 1-4, 8:00 p.m. - 11:30 p.m.

TV listings

WSOO's new fall reality TV lineup

Get me out of this walk-in freezer!
Granddaugther Swap
Will you marry my son?


Shows premiere October 29

Services

Need your grass cut?


File photo



Professional lawn manicurist for hire

** My lawn mowing speed has been clocked at 9 MPH, 2nd-fastest in the nation (Jimmy Stansbury)
** I have my own Shabazz-Z750 mower, the same mower that was used in the movie Gang Green Thumb


Extra services/specials:

- Squirrel poisonings - 3 squirrels for $25
- Beehive removal - $5/hive
- Surf board designs in lawn


Kevin 555-0111

Pet personal ads

CATS FOR CATS



SWBC, age 7. I love bacon and short walks to my liter box. Call me, I'm probably under the bed.

Bernie box 345


SWC, age 11. I'm a former Book Case-Fighting world champion. Now I'm just looking for a nice, young lady to help me eat my retirement cat nip.

Mittens box 871


DOGS FOR DOGS



SBTD, age 5. I haven't been fixed yet and I'm tired of the same, old table legs and human ankles. In 2006, I set a Hannigan County record for longest AWP (against the wind pee).

Mookie box 551

Services Provided

Lunch companion for hire


Feeling lonely at lunch? If you're looking for someone to eat with, I'm your man.


* Over 5,000 sandwiches eaten in a 27-year career
* Know how to say "sweet tea with lemon" in seven different languages
* Have my own car


"I ate lunch with Andy and it was wonderful. He ordered a water, but he filled the cup with Diet Coke when the cashier wasn't looking! I still love you Andy!"

- Diane Gafreda, ex-wife


"Me and a few co-workers called him up as kind of a joke one day, but this guy is a real pro. He had a lunch menu rolodex he kept in a little compartment on his belt. He was separating checks for six people in his head. We're going to eat lunch with Andy again on Thursday!"

- Mitch Kellog, 34


The Lunch Guy (Andy Baker)
Call for hourly rates: 555-0113

For Sale

Basketball coach


Murray Henning

- 67 years old; head coach for 45 years
- Won "Best Plotka" at the 1993 Hairies

* Coached at Santo Lucas High School (1990-1991). Fired, on run from law enforcement officials, after running over the starting point guard with his car (1988 Pontiac Grand Prix).

Henning: "Kid couldn't run the pick and roll."

* September, 2008, refused to allow his players to wear shorts during practices or games.


$150 or best offer
Vandover Runnin' Ferrets 555-3003

For sale

Magazines

Ceiling Fan Enthusiast (May, 2004; July, 2004)
Parking Lot (September, 1991)
The Akron Ohioer (January, 2000; August, 2001; December, 2001)


$3 each
Paul 555-8102

For sale

Baby teeth


Seven kids, no tooth fairy-you do the math.

We've got dozens of teeth and it cost us hundreds of dollars over the years. We need to start making some of that money back.


$2 each or 10 for $15

Kids: $500 each


Tori and Jacob 555-6200

Home for sale

The world-famous Wood House

* As seen in the movie Splinter Man

- Huge upstairs living room
- Swimming pool in the backyard full of wood
- Wood pile front door installed July, 2008


$1,400
Sanderson Reality 555-6410

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN



22, SWM. I hate playing games; except for computer Wheel of Fortune. You want to try on my head dress, don't you? Too bad, you can't.

Toby box 72903


Do I like to ask myself questions and answer them? Yes. Do I think you should call me as soon as you're done reading this? Absolutely. Do I sell my medication and refuse to wear pants on Wednesdays and Thursdays? Possibly.

Dan box 54400

For sale

Pro basketball bench

Everything must go before the start of the season-


Short, white guy: Mitch Donaldson

* Crew cut
* Former walk-on at Paymont University; averaged 4.7 ppg and 2.2 apg his senior year


7-3, 210-pound Slovakian: Dominic Hedvika

* Curly, brown perm


Power forward: Ricky "Lemontree" Daniels

* 6-4, 355 pounds
* Won three consecutive national pepperoni log eating contests (1998-2000)


Trainer: James

Eight red, folding chairs


Make us an offer

Cain City Mavericks
555-7225

Services

Do you have to go to the bathroom and you've been having trouble deciding where to go?

Come on down to the future site of the 17th Avenue Beefy's Fast Food Hut and take a pee, a poo or both in our brand-new Porta-johns.

- Nicknamed "The Dream Team" by several national publications
- Each 6-6, 450 pounds
- BYOPTSC (bring your own paper toilet seat covers)


Rental price: $.50 per minute

Peppo's Construction 555-0108

Wide receiver for sale

Jimmy Washington
Age: 23

2nd-year pro

* tall, great hands, speaks in 1st person


We really don't have any place for him on our roster. He never says a word, loves not only his quarterback, but all quarterbacks.

Couple other things:

1. The fans gave him a nickname and he said "I don't want it."
2. No arrest record
3. Tattoo of himself giving a hug to a small child on his right bicep


He's a real problem and it's time for all of us to move on.


Make us an offer

Sanderson Valley Cobras 555-1323

House for sale

Two-story home in the heart of the Overalls District.

* Carport perfect for parking car/guest room
* Beautiful view of the gravel road
* Hollow inside


$19,000
Kaye and Eddie 555-8000