For sale

Autographed ball by world-famous Double Bagel barnstorming tennis team/tennis racket air guitar quartet, Elbow Martinez

* Includes Murray Vern autograph (rare)
* Contains 6% canine snot


$400
Catherine 555-7891

WANTED

Paul Hennegul
Age: 37




Wanted for failing to leave a roundabout flower garden in a timely manner and for refusing to take off his ketchup-dispensing helmet in a government building (separate incidents). Mr. Hennegul is also wanted for previous infractions, including kidnapping an envelope and stuffing it with cream cheese.

He has a face and is considered jacketless.


If you have any information, please call the Kaynesport Sheriff's department: 555-1004

Destinations

Visit Exit 74 in Kaynesport!

Missing Pet

Glenn


[Photo taken March, 2010)


* Three-years old, .2 OZ
* Significant other: Barbara (lint pile in laundry room)

Geraldine & Tiana 555-0192

For sale

Styrofoam chunk



$30
Eddie 555-8717


* Hurry, many interested *

Meetings

Mildew's Grocery Store
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* We do not have a daycare in the dairy section
* No pinching the customers while they swipe their credit cards
* What's the code for plantains?


April 27, 9:00 a.m.

For sale

The classics on cassette




* Uncle Cal sneezes
* Paul's banana pepper rant at Vince Jr's piano recital
* My impromptu version of "Blame it on the Rain" during great-grandmother Pearl's funeral (new!)
* Sarah and Andrew arguing about vacuums at the hardware store


And more!


Call for pricing list
Vince 555-4414

Openings

Island Twin Drive-In
Grand opening!




April movies:

Jean Shorts Down
Roof Leak at Tiffany's
You're a Diarrhetic Man, Nelson Brown
What Horseflies Want
Limes & Punishment


Island Twin - 550 Quaysley Lane, Kaynesport

For sale

$1 bill

* Green/white


$5
Trevor 555-1201

For sale

I'm doing a bit of spring cleaning. Great deals available.


Used books

The Salami in the Rye - Kirk Sherman
Idiot's Guide to the Ice Cream Sandwich - Ed. Penny Cartwright
The Audacity of Soap - Catherine Tanner

$3 each


Refrigerator/freezer items

* Harold thumbs - 2 for $1
* Mystery clumps in tin foil - $7
* Ice cubes (recently frozen!) - $8 each



Call today!
Leon  555-7581

Meetings

The People in Beverly Clark's Walk-In Closet
Spring meeting


Items to discuss:

* Last week's square dance: what went wrong

* Beverly's new set of linens: Q&A
* Our field trip to the upstairs hallway has been moved to June 1


May 9, 4:00 p.m.

For sale

Sauerkraut



- 6 OZ
- Comes with hot dog bun


$2 or best offer
Tony 555-4991


* Sauerkraut gun sold separately *

Item found

Coat hanger

* Black
* Looks like it might've once held some chinos

We know what it's like to lose a hanger. If he looks like yours, give us a call.


Bob & Tanya  555-3392

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

Specializing in:

* Inadequacy in the mail room
* Fear of talking birthmarks
* "I make soup, then pour it into my sneakers"
* The monsters inside your chin hair
* "I hate my wife's sneeze"
* Over-blinking


Call for hourly rates
555-6652