Services

Advice Lady for hire

* You can't take a can opener to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with ketchup
* Don't make a pecan pie out of a molehill
* Make sure the lucky foot is detached from the rabbit before you carry it around in your pocket
* Wearing a ski parka into the shower


Call for prices and availability
Rhonda 555-8767

For sale

Music albums on CD

Eggplant Face Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 - Eggplant Face
Runnin' Out On (A Buffet Bill) - The Mossy People
Boysenberries in the Hood Soundtrack - Various artists


$5 each or all three for $12
Hillary 555-3316

Meetings

La Quaranda Hotel
Early-fall staff meeting


On the agenda:

- The disappearance of Steve the bellhop's hat
- Who replaced the 11th floor vending machine with a duck on a leash?
- The bed bugs have bitten: Q&A



September 1, 4:00 p.m.

For sale

Hair

* Gray


$15 for entire pile or $.50 per hair
Bruce 555-9119


** Ask about our dandruff plan **

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Emergency meeting


* 1st annual Dance Marathon: what went wrong
* Andrea's new boyfriend, Greg
* The Opossums in Andrea Fleming's Attic: who do these marsupials think they are?


August 29, 8:00 a.m.


Wheat bread cubes: Samantha

Events

Dontavius Upshaw autographed hot dog bun




Visitation - Mon-fri, 2pm-dusk
Percy  555-1007

For sale

Directions for sale

- Your house to my mini van
- Derrick's grandmother's house to the adult video store
- My mini van to Janet's apartment
- Laundromat to Derrick's grandmother's house
- Stacy's apartment to the defensive driving building


* All directions come on yellow, lined paper *


$10 each
Mike 555-6614

For sale

Two-thirds or so of a bologna sandwich

* Piece of lettuce brought over from other sandwich
* Bologna Brenda play set free with purchase


$6
Rajesh  555-6634

Meetings

Fast Stop Convenience Store
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting mailbox flags as currency
* Ice cream sandwich fights vs. the customers, strategy session part 6: late-second quarter defense
* We do not have a give a penny take a loaf of bread tray


August 27, 1:00 p.m.

For sale

Used books for sale


Championship Prison Racquetball Teams - Mallory Blayshore, editor


150 in stock - $6 each or ask about buying in bulk
Mallory  555-2101

Personal ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

I have my ex-girlfriend's name tattooed on my right forearm. Her name is Bobbie. Looking for a woman named Bobbie or Bonnie.

Trent box 20020


Voted "Best Dressed" in Middale High School yearbook-June, 1991. I like to be dominated (in board games).

Mitch box 53802


WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I would really like to meet a man from Arkansas.

Connie box 79974


Let's get together and start a family (of armadillos).

Mary box 37665

For rent

Apartment for rent

1 BR
0 BATH
1 Mildew Man Halloween costume (1960s version w/out Provolone helmet)

* Spiders/webs free with rental agreement
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show Plunger Wars


$130/month
Tony 555-0100

For sale

Dog ear collection

- Over 4,000 available
- Perfect for earrings, dog ear fights


$5 each or $18,000 for entire collection
Rondae 555-3491

** Hurry, Danny is interested **

Openings

Mort's Motel
Grand re-opening!

** Now rabbit-free **

- Over 20 cable stations, including: The Mailbox Channel, PinchTV & Silence
- Salsa pool w/deluxe slide
- Complimentary Milk Carton Obituaries Weekly with check-in


* Rooms starting at $13.99 *

Mort's - 610 Weddley Circle, Kaynesport