February 28, 2013

For sale

My son's latest original piece titled "My Dad Kent"

* Crayon-on-paper
* Comes with three used crayons (one blue, two black)

Kent  555-3773

** Ask about our installment plans **

February 27, 2013


Car pool to work
Pre-March 4 meeting

February 28, 6:30 p.m. in back two rows of Paul's van

Motivational tape/cassette player: Linda
Moistened paper towels: Keaton
Practice toll money: Amanda

February 26, 2013


Need a lamp turned on/off?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

February 25, 2013

For rent

Leftover confetti

* Used in the making of the 2013 independent film Hippo Wedding
* Free directions to my friend Seth's house (on unshredded paper) with rental agreement

Thomas  555-7491

February 24, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Do Your Grandma & Grandpa Have To Be Here? - Final season
* Ant Farm Swap - Complete series
* The Real Wasp Nests of the Plumptin County Public Library - Season 1

$6 each
Wendy  555-0032

February 23, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Save the corn: don't let it get eaten.

Call 555-9448 to find out how you can help

February 22, 2013

For rent

Vegetable peeler

$8/half hour
Garret  555-9220

February 21, 2013


Flight 1263 from Poog Valley
Row J post-flight meeting

* Taking inventory: how many tray tables did we end up with?

3:15 p.m. at Gate 9, near the men's restroom

February 20, 2013

For sale

1/2 roast beef sandwich

* Contains 17% more mayonnaise than any other sandwich in my neighborhood, according to a morning study
* Four napkins (one contains some mayonnaise) free with purchase

Hal  555-5996

Also available: elderly man and a slightly-used motor scooter. Inquire within.

February 19, 2013

Award winner

2013 Build Your Dream House: 14th place

Congratulations to Murray, Qwayshon and the rest of the team.

- D. Morris

February 18, 2013

For sale

Portions of the phone book

* T-W for West Kaynesport available
* Several pages appeared in the 2012 documentaries Is It Spelled Torkelson Or Torkleson? and Calling Janet Vanderells
* Free plumbing company refrigerator magnet with purchase

Call for pricing list
Brent  555-2008

February 17, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Don't let your peppers and onions give in to tomato pressure.

It's not too late, call 555-8343 to help turn your vegetable's life around.

February 16, 2013


Need a Joe Maglio business card?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

February 15, 2013


Advice man for hire

* Don't wash your car with honey mustard
* Bringing a boogie board into a hot tub
* Making a pot roast out of a molehill
* Opening/closing windows 101
* What not to shout at a ballet recital

Call for rates and availability
Pierre  555-4710

February 14, 2013

February 13, 2013

For sale

Chicken broth

* About 8 ounces
* Plastic spoon OR one oyster cracker free with purchase
* Plenty of container options available, including pants pocket (NEW!)

$4 or best offer
Samantha  555-6622

February 12, 2013

For hire

Nose hair trimmer for hire

* Must provide trimmer
* Priced per hair

Contact for rates and availability
Percy  555-1007

** Call now and receive three free vintage 1970s nose hairs **

February 11, 2013

For sale


The former "Pride of the Produce Section" has fallen on hard times. Was the top cucumber selected for last Saturday's salad, but mold issues forced us to go with extra celery.

Looking for him to go to a good home to get a fresh start, or at the very least be part of a cucumber puppet show.

$14 or best offer
Sam & Alex  555-4881

February 10, 2013


What The Book? reading group
Winter meeting

Books to discuss:

* Idiot's Guide To The Pants Pocket
* Greer's Law Books: Leaf Possession
* The Girl With The Road Cone Tattoo

February 11, 4:30 p.m. at Ralph's condo


Hat-removal service

"I'll remove your hat in 60 seconds or less, or my name isn't Paul."

* Wool hats: $4
* All other hats: $3.50

** Winter special **
Have three hats removed, get one jacket sleeve removed FREE

Hal  555-3341

February 9, 2013


Water fountain concierge service available

* Buttons pushed
* Gum-to-fountain relations
* Where's the nearest water fountain?

Call for free pamphlet  

Shameka 555-6156

February 8, 2013


Calendar Watchers
Winter meeting

On the agenda:

* What the heck is happening on April 22nd anyway?
* Days We Can Do Without with Dr. Elroy Riles, Part 7: September 19th
* When is it going to be March?

February 12, 4:00 p.m. at Maureen's condo

February 7, 2013

For sale


* Orange w/mold stripes

Kimberly  555-3995

February 6, 2013


Drunville Vipers semi-pro basketball
Additions to 2013 promotional calendar

February 19 - Taco seasoning packet (first 5,000 fans)
March 6 - Garbage bag of leaves
March 8 - Rearview Mirror Night
March 23 - Vintage Phone Book Day
April 3 - Throw walnuts at the referees pre-game (first 1,000 fans 12-under)

Tickets: 555-7738

February 5, 2013

For sale

Gravel-filled envelopes

* Perfect for that special someone *

Call for pricing list
Maurice 555-1291

February 4, 2013

For rent


* Comes with phone charger belt (*RARE*)

$11/half hour
Donna  555-6601

February 3, 2013


Flight 316 to Plumptin City
Row T meeting

On the agenda:

* Don't chew on the seat in front of you
* Setting up a stand in the restroom and selling individual peanuts: the best corners
* Ice cube hoarding for the walk to baggage claim will be handled by row treasurer, Beverly

February 7, 2:00 p.m. in the south parking lot by the nature store

February 2, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Talk to your kids about Scarf Trees before someone else does.

February 1, 2013

For sale


Plenty of items for sale:

* Egg shells (4)
* Yellow stuff
* Piece of birthday cake ('THDA' visible on piece)

Friday specials available for the first time:

* Two baby carrots
* Microwave door (*Rare*)

Call for pricing list
Ahmad 555-6177