February 28, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

Bag Boys: Chicago
Chinese Buffet - Season 1
We're Living In An Oak Tree! - Season 3
Make Me A Quesadilla! - Complete Series

$10 each
Trent 555-3228


The People on Amanda Klein's Roof
March meeting

On the agenda:

* Somersaulting on the northeast end is prohibited until we install the soccer goal on March 20
* Does Amanda's new field hockey coach wear the same shirt every day?: Q&A
* Our field trip to Amanda's middle school bus seat has been moved to April 3

March 4, 1:00 p.m.

February 27, 2011

For sale

Domain names


$6 each
Andrea   555-0044

February 26, 2011

Child for sale

Age: 7

Favorite food: Salt packets and orange peels
Sleeps: about 45 minutes per night in a wheelbarrow in the garage
Pluses: Burps at a fourth-grade level
Minuses: Has been caught on more than one occasion eating mud; terrible basketball player
What he wants to be when he grows up: A talking acorn

** Received "Worst Solo" and "Largest Mom" at 2010 elementary chorus awards banquet **

Evan & Jenna 555-6115

* Interesting trades for kittens considered *

February 25, 2011


Shampoo taste-tester for hire

Call for rates and availability
Stephen 555-3771

For sale

Vinyl record albums

There Used To Be A Bald Spot - Peggy Cliff
Waiter, There's A Sneaker In My Soup - The Mossy People
Celery Fights - Ernie Clyde
Greatest Hits, Volume 6
- Caramelized Back Brace

$5 each
Bernie 555-9881

February 24, 2011

For sale


* Just bused in *

- Hundreds available
- Perfect for stapling pieces of bread to

Call for pricing list 555-6624

For sale

Hot dog buns

* 42 available

$3 each
Gerald 555-4001

** Ask about our payment plans **

February 23, 2011


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #91
Staff meeting

Item on the agenda:

* Put on your name tag after you put on your work shirt

February 24, 9:30 a.m.

February 22, 2011

For sale


Banana Peel Wig Maker (May, 2000)
Dandruff Europe (September, 1994; November, 1994; January, 1995 - w/special "Men of Considerable Dandruff" pull-out calendar)
What Time Is It? (April, 1999 - 3:15 and 7:40 double issue)

$2 each
Eddie 555-0100


Kerwin Times
Staff meeting

Item to discuss:

* The obituary page is not for spoiled fruit

February 23, 12:00 p.m.

February 21, 2011

Personal ads


SWM, age 34. Looking for a woman who doesn't have a problem with a man who owns and has named over 400 salamanders.

Eric box 67709

Let's make a you and her sandwich. You bring her, I'll bring the giant tomatoes.

Brent box 88226

I need a ride to the worm store.

Elroy box 05598


I've had several relationships end in Dollar Hut parking lots. Looking for a man who doesn't work at Dollar Hut.

Tamika box 40402

SBF, age 42. Let's get together and start a family (of chipmunks).

Brianna box 33757

I have my ex-husband's name tattooed on my body. His name is Vince.

Looking for a man named Vince or Vincent.

Beverly box 71222


Single, white refrigerator. Empty.

Gary box 11708

February 20, 2011

For sale


* White w/Anthony blood stains
* Perfect for:

- A house
- Door fights

Heather 555-3871

Cat for sale


Age: 7

We used to be so close, but ever since he found that ant hill on the front lawn he acts like he's too good for me. It's time for both of us to move on with our lives.

* Starred in the made-for-TV movie Karate Cat
* Some thrown-up rubber bands free with purchase

Brandon 555-3448

For sale

Beefy's Fast Food Hut bill

- $5.54 owed
- Comes with three napkins
- I'm at the Beefy's drive-thru window at store #67

Anthony 555-1121

February 19, 2011


Need an envelope sealed?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

February 18, 2011

For sale


- Unknown make/model
- 205,000 miles
- Used in the filming of the 2006 movie Things We Lost In The Potato Salad

Garrett 555-4640

February 17, 2011


Laphonso's Burger Hut - Store #31
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We're shutting down the onion ring frier until Samantha's pinkie turns up
* How long has the microwave been on fire?
* Please do not give free piercings at the drive thru window

February 19, 10:00 a.m.

February 16, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

"Tell me where the crazy hurts"

* The voices underneath your eyebrows
* Hot dog bun tattoo regret
* Giant spoons invade Soup City
* Fear of drawings of cockroaches
* "I make cheese dip and then I pour it into my backpack"

Call for rates and availability
Debbie 555-7007

February 15, 2011

TV listings

Check out WDER's new Tuesday lineup!


Will Anyone Date My Father? - 8:00 p.m.

Mr. Peek's dinner date ends prematurely when his toupee falls into the cream of mushroom soup. Plus: Eric's dad shows up to his date with Claire wearing his socks over his boots.

America's Got Stomachaches - 9:00 p.m.
Bryson has a stomachache.

On The Market - 10:00 p.m.
In the season finale, Janessa has trouble selling Wayne's ride-on lawnmower with the raccoon head stuck in the blade, and the Buckleys can't find any takers for their son, Ronald.

LATE-NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.

Broken Arm Rest of the Opera

5:55 a.m. - Reading Potato Chip Ingredients With Kevin

February 14, 2011


Friends of Ben Kentley
February meeting

On the agenda:

* The opening of Ben Land: Q&A
* Last Thursday's surprise party aftermath: apologizing to Ken Bentley and his roommate at the nursing home
* Our field trip to Ben's middle school gym locker has been moved to March 3

February 15, 2:00 p.m.

February 13, 2011

For sale

Pet store bill

* $26.73 owed
* I'm at Pete's Pets on Claymore Street, register 6
* Goldfish free w/purchase

Joel 555-2219

February 12, 2011


Kaynesport Buffaloes Baseball
Additions to promotional calendar

May 6: Scotch Tape Day
May 7: Throw Things at the General Manager's Son
June 11: Bring Your Rabbit to the Park
June 27: Burt Benton Autographed Sock Night
July 9: Cardboard Box Day

Call 555-7747 for tickets

February 11, 2011


Ike's Ice Cream
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Top soil is not one of our toppings
* Please stop accepting crayons as currency

February 12, 10:00 a.m.

February 10, 2011

For sale

Used perfumes/colognes

* Animosity by Dirk Callaway
* Sauerkraut
* Spinach by Melvin Shane
* Verfaulen Rengenwurm

$10 each
Bob 555-2323


Need windows looked out of?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

February 9, 2011

For sale


- "Check Book Keepers-Arena Tour 2006"
- "I Was Wheelbarrowed Out Of Callahans Bar & Grill"
- Blue w/Russian dressing stain
- "Shampoo! The Musical: Live at Plumptin Hall"
- "Hiccup Fest '83"

$6 each
Bryson  555-6100


Dorothy Baines

Well, the old nut finally died. Dorothy was one of the original members of the air guitar quartet Finger Lickin and formed the political activist group S.O.P. (Separation of Owl and Pasta). She died doing what she loved: shouting at a toll booth operator. Funeral services are set for February 10 at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Holy Bowling! for league night.

February 8, 2011

For sale


* Used in the filming of Peggy Cliff's 2009 music video ArtichOK

$10 each or both for $15
Lunch! Records 555-4301

February 7, 2011

Meetings Posted

Meetings at Kaynesport Hall - Annex B

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
* Field trip to the boiler room moved to March 7

Fake Sneezer's Anonymous
* Meeting moved to February 9

Lettuce War Recreation Society
* February 10 rehearsal canceled

Wheelbarrow Basketball
* Team 6 practice moved to February 8 at 6:00 p.m.

To post a meeting call 555-4401

February 6, 2011


Iguana for hire

Age: 5

* 22-inch tail
* Star of 2008 documentary Waiter, There's an Iguana in my Soup! - The Closing of Rosita's
* Great listener/biter


February 5, 2011

For sale


Greg 555-0017

February 4, 2011


All-you-can eat sawdust

* For a limited time *

Bryson 555-6100


Need tables sat at?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

February 3, 2011

For sale

1/4 salami sandwich

Vin 555-7077

February 2, 2011


Nedford, Sally & Polo
Attorneys at Law

* Felony pick-and-run
* Impersonating a police car
* Wrongful slipper massaging
* Shampoo custody
* I.C.I.U.I. (ice cube insulting under the influence)
* Resisting Ernests

Call for rates and availability


Dennis Office Opening

"You've trialed the otters, now trial the best!"

- Calvary filmings
- Winston teeths
- Bowlers

** Free fross **

48 Delwood Ave, Kaynesport

February 1, 2011


Pete & Pete Pizza
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Rubber bands are not a topping
* 'Dough conditioner' has nothing to do with pouring things into a customer's hair and scrubbing
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "bunch of losers"

February 2, 1:00 p.m.