September 30, 2011

For sale

Lemon slice

* RARE *

Boris  555-4662

September 29, 2011


Friends of Barry Neemitz
Fall meeting

Items to discuss:

* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* Our field trip to Barry's mailbox has been rescheduled for November 22

Thursday, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church

September 28, 2011


Plumptin Pirates 10-under football
Mid-season award ceremony

To be given out:

- Weakest arm
- Pet with worst breath award
- Least attractive older sister
- Helmet on backwards award
- Worst hand-off

September 30, 6:00 p.m. at O'Shoolihon's

September 27, 2011


Emmit Larsen

Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow. 

Emmit is survived by a photograph of his goldfish, Marty. 

Funeral services are set for October 1 at 4:30 p.m., then it's off to Padre's for quarter beer night

September 26, 2011

For sale


* Over two pounds available
* Used as a stand-in on the reality TV show Watch Me Eat Mud

Call for pricing list
Stanley 555-3341

September 25, 2011

For sale

DVD for sale
Reality TV

* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)

$5 each
Keonte 555-0818

September 24, 2011


Need to insult a relative?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale


* Used in the filming of the 2007 reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Father?

Dale  555-0440

** Ask about our toupee trade-in options **

September 23, 2011

Pet personal ad

SWBD, age 6. Looking for a nice, young canine to help me bark at the shadows in the garage. If you've got things crawling around on your back, that's a plus.

* Breath must smell like rotten earthworms or worse *

Bruce  box 76991

September 22, 2011

For sale

Car door

* Blue w/some deer blood
* Free with purchase:

- six pennies, four nickels

* Door handle sold separately

Pete  555-7329

September 21, 2011


Landscaper for hire

* Mailbox flag trimming
* Grass-eating contest judge
* Who fell off the roof?


- Staircase climbing for dummies
- "There's no reason to mow the driveway"

Call for rates and availability
Gus 555-7739

September 20, 2011


Scorpions 35-over adult league baseball
Post-season team meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please return all stirrups to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Nick's huge disappointment list
* Awards to be given out:

- Slowest pitch
- Most eye black eaten
- Girlfriend/wife with the worst breath
- Run to first fall down before you get there award
- Worst bunt
- "We can never remember this guy's name" award

September 21, 6:30 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Ernie's Pizza

September 19, 2011

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when cucumbers turn to a life of drugs.

Talk to your vegetables before something else in the refrigerator does.

September 18, 2011


The Clothing Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* What not to sell in the fitting rooms
* Please stop accepting coat hangers from our men's department as currency
* If it has to be killed inside the store, we are not legally allowed to sell it as a fur

September 19, 9:00 a.m.

September 17, 2011

For sale

Bike seat

* Black; perfect for sitting on while biking
* 12 dead ants underneath free with purchase

Lance 555-6886

September 16, 2011

For sale

Fortune cookie message

"You have some chicken fried rice on your shirt"

50 for $5
100 for $8
Over 500: inquire within
Grinning Wok 555-8911

September 15, 2011

For sale

Bagel halve

* Slightly burnt

Make me an offer
Ben  555-8916

September 14, 2011

For sale



* Throw Momma's Back Medicine from the Train
* War of the Worms
* So, I Married a Sax Murderer


* History's Greatest Delayed Airline Flights, Vol. 2
* Baseball's Most Famous Foul Tips

$3 each
Sandra 555-1886

September 13, 2011


Need a shower or faucet turned off?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Band aid

* Yellow
* Edible (?)
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Is Bleeding Now?!

Gabe 555-3970

September 12, 2011

For sale

Used protest signs

"Stop burying cabbage in my front lawn!"
"Save the soup: help us keep the spoons out"
"Blakeley High: give us back our math teacher!"

$5 each
Hillary 555-7761

September 11, 2011

Casting call

The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Nose Bleed of a Salesman

* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown

Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport

September 10, 2011


League of Randys fantasy football league
Pre-draft meeting

Only item on the agenda:

* Randy McGee's real name is Rodney McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division

September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house

September 9, 2011

For rent

Glass of water

* Tap
* Free delivery

Glenn 555-0017

Public Service Announcement

Help us end wheelbarrow violence.

Call 555-2114 to find out how you can help.

September 8, 2011


Psychiatrist or hire

* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"

Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572

September 7, 2011

For sale

Drive-thru bill

* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase

Daniel 555-6001

September 6, 2011


The Tinkle Army
Band meeting

On the agenda:

* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20

September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space

For sale

I'm selling some of my old domain names.

Great prices available.

Call for pricing list
Horace  555-4991

September 5, 2011


Looking to literally and/or figuratively follow in Joe Maglio's footsteps?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

September 4, 2011

For sale

Used books

- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums

- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys

$3 each
Beth 555-1132

September 3, 2011

For sale

I've got some of my oldest sayings for sale.

Great deals available.

"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"

Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346

September 2, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes

$10 each
Carlos 555-3772

September 1, 2011

For sale

Celery stalk

$8 or best offer
Bernice 555-3311


Sandpaper Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely

May 7, 2:00 p.m.