* RARE *
$11
Boris 555-4662
September 30, 2011
September 29, 2011
Meetings
Friends of Barry Neemitz
Fall meeting
Items to discuss:
* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* Our field trip to Barry's mailbox has been rescheduled for November 22
Thursday, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church
Fall meeting
Items to discuss:
* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* Our field trip to Barry's mailbox has been rescheduled for November 22
Thursday, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church
September 28, 2011
Meetings
Plumptin Pirates 10-under football
Mid-season award ceremony
To be given out:
- Weakest arm
Mid-season award ceremony
To be given out:
- Weakest arm
- Pet with worst breath award
- Least attractive older sister
- Least attractive older sister
- Helmet on backwards award
- Worst hand-off
September 30, 6:00 p.m. at O'Shoolihon's
September 30, 6:00 p.m. at O'Shoolihon's
September 27, 2011
Obituary
Emmit Larsen
1906-2011
Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow.
1906-2011
Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow.
Emmit is survived by a photograph of his goldfish, Marty.
Funeral services are set for October 1 at 4:30 p.m., then it's off to Padre's for quarter beer night
September 26, 2011
For sale
Mud
* Over two pounds available
* Used as a stand-in on the reality TV show Watch Me Eat Mud
Call for pricing list
Stanley 555-3341
* Over two pounds available
* Used as a stand-in on the reality TV show Watch Me Eat Mud
Call for pricing list
Stanley 555-3341
September 25, 2011
For sale
DVD for sale
Reality TV
* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)
$5 each
Keonte 555-0818
Reality TV
* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)
$5 each
Keonte 555-0818
September 24, 2011
September 23, 2011
Pet personal ad
SWBD, age 6. Looking for a nice, young canine to help me bark at the shadows in the garage. If you've got things crawling around on your back, that's a plus.
* Breath must smell like rotten earthworms or worse *
Bruce box 76991
* Breath must smell like rotten earthworms or worse *
Bruce box 76991
September 22, 2011
For sale
Car door
* Blue w/some deer blood
* Free with purchase:
- six pennies, four nickels
* Door handle sold separately
$11
Pete 555-7329
* Blue w/some deer blood
* Free with purchase:
- six pennies, four nickels
* Door handle sold separately
$11
Pete 555-7329
September 21, 2011
Services
Landscaper for hire
* Mailbox flag trimming
* Grass-eating contest judge
* Who fell off the roof?
Tutorials:
- Staircase climbing for dummies
- "There's no reason to mow the driveway"
Call for rates and availability
Gus 555-7739
* Mailbox flag trimming
* Grass-eating contest judge
* Who fell off the roof?
Tutorials:
- Staircase climbing for dummies
- "There's no reason to mow the driveway"
Call for rates and availability
Gus 555-7739
September 20, 2011
Meetings
Scorpions 35-over adult league baseball
Post-season team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please return all stirrups to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Nick's huge disappointment list
* Awards to be given out:
- Slowest pitch
- Most eye black eaten
- Girlfriend/wife with the worst breath
- Run to first fall down before you get there award
- Worst bunt
- "We can never remember this guy's name" award
September 21, 6:30 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Ernie's Pizza
Post-season team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please return all stirrups to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Nick's huge disappointment list
* Awards to be given out:
- Slowest pitch
- Most eye black eaten
- Girlfriend/wife with the worst breath
- Run to first fall down before you get there award
- Worst bunt
- "We can never remember this guy's name" award
September 21, 6:30 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Ernie's Pizza
September 19, 2011
Public Service Announcement
No one wins when cucumbers turn to a life of drugs.
Talk to your vegetables before something else in the refrigerator does.
Talk to your vegetables before something else in the refrigerator does.
September 18, 2011
Meetings
The Clothing Store
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What not to sell in the fitting rooms
* Please stop accepting coat hangers from our men's department as currency
* If it has to be killed inside the store, we are not legally allowed to sell it as a fur
September 19, 9:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What not to sell in the fitting rooms
* Please stop accepting coat hangers from our men's department as currency
* If it has to be killed inside the store, we are not legally allowed to sell it as a fur
September 19, 9:00 a.m.
September 17, 2011
For sale
Bike seat
* Black; perfect for sitting on while biking
* 12 dead ants underneath free with purchase
$8
Lance 555-6886
* Black; perfect for sitting on while biking
* 12 dead ants underneath free with purchase
$8
Lance 555-6886
September 16, 2011
For sale
Fortune cookie message
"You have some chicken fried rice on your shirt"
50 for $5
"You have some chicken fried rice on your shirt"
50 for $5
100 for $8
Over 500: inquire within
Grinning Wok 555-8911
Grinning Wok 555-8911
September 15, 2011
September 14, 2011
For sale
VHS
Movies
* Throw Momma's Back Medicine from the Train
* War of the Worms
* So, I Married a Sax Murderer
* Dude, Where Are My Eyebrows?
Other
* History's Greatest Delayed Airline Flights, Vol. 2
* Baseball's Most Famous Foul Tips
$3 each
Sandra 555-1886
Movies
* Throw Momma's Back Medicine from the Train
* War of the Worms
* So, I Married a Sax Murderer
* Dude, Where Are My Eyebrows?
Other
* History's Greatest Delayed Airline Flights, Vol. 2
* Baseball's Most Famous Foul Tips
$3 each
Sandra 555-1886
September 13, 2011
September 12, 2011
For sale
Used protest signs
"Stop burying cabbage in my front lawn!"
"Save the soup: help us keep the spoons out"
"Blakeley High: give us back our math teacher!"
$5 each
Hillary 555-7761
"Stop burying cabbage in my front lawn!"
"Save the soup: help us keep the spoons out"
"Blakeley High: give us back our math teacher!"
$5 each
Hillary 555-7761
September 11, 2011
Casting call
The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Nose Bleed of a Salesman
* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown
Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown
Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
September 10, 2011
Meetings
League of Randys fantasy football league
Pre-draft meeting
Only item on the agenda:
* Randy McGee's real name is Rodney McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division
September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house
Pre-draft meeting
Only item on the agenda:
* Randy McGee's real name is Rodney McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division
September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house
September 9, 2011
Public Service Announcement
Help us end wheelbarrow violence.
Call 555-2114 to find out how you can help.
Call 555-2114 to find out how you can help.
September 8, 2011
Services
Psychiatrist or hire
* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"
Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572
* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"
Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572
September 7, 2011
For sale
Drive-thru bill
* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase
$10
Daniel 555-6001
* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase
$10
Daniel 555-6001
September 6, 2011
Meetings
The Tinkle Army
Band meeting
On the agenda:
* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20
September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space
Band meeting
On the agenda:
* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20
September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space
For sale
I'm selling some of my old domain names.
Great prices available.
www.coopercollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveleafeating
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/coughofasalesman
www.otherhoracesivemet.tumblr.com/horaceburton
www.pinchestheclown.com/2011tourdates
www.deadwormsifound.blogspot.com
www.mudfights.com/1993/wilkinsvsholmeier2
www.movielist.wordpress.com/thingswelostinthemashedpotatoes
www.nectarinesiveyettofinish.blogspot.com
Call for pricing list
Horace 555-4991
Great prices available.
www.coopercollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveleafeating
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/coughofasalesman
www.otherhoracesivemet.tumblr.com/horaceburton
www.pinchestheclown.com/2011tourdates
www.deadwormsifound.blogspot.com
www.mudfights.com/1993/wilkinsvsholmeier2
www.movielist.wordpress.com/thingswelostinthemashedpotatoes
www.nectarinesiveyettofinish.blogspot.com
Call for pricing list
Horace 555-4991
September 5, 2011
Services
Looking to literally and/or figuratively follow in Joe Maglio's footsteps?
Joe Maglio 555-9995
Joe Maglio 555-9995
September 4, 2011
For sale
Used books
- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums
- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys
$3 each
Beth 555-1132
- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums
- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys
$3 each
Beth 555-1132
September 3, 2011
For sale
I've got some of my oldest sayings for sale.
Great deals available.
"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"
Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346
Great deals available.
"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"
Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346
September 2, 2011
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes
$10 each
Carlos 555-3772
* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes
$10 each
Carlos 555-3772
September 1, 2011
Meetings
Sandpaper Store
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely
May 7, 2:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely
May 7, 2:00 p.m.
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