Bagel
* Slightly burnt
* Full of character
$4
Ben 555-0117
* Hurry, Calvin is interested *
September 30, 2011
September 29, 2011
Meetings
Friends of Barry Neemitz
Fall meeting
Items to discuss:
* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* Our field trip to Barry's mailbox has been rescheduled for November 22
Thursday, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church
Fall meeting
Items to discuss:
* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* Our field trip to Barry's mailbox has been rescheduled for November 22
Thursday, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church
September 28, 2011
Meetings
Plumptin Pirates 10-under football
Team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Why only in practice can we punt with a head of lettuce
* From league commissioner Dale Rudolph: the referees are not allowed to give piggy back rides down the field after completed passes
* Mid-season awards:
- Weakest arm
- Least attractive older sister
- Helmet on backwards award
- Worst hand-off
September 30, 6:00 p.m. at field 7
Team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Why only in practice can we punt with a head of lettuce
* From league commissioner Dale Rudolph: the referees are not allowed to give piggy back rides down the field after completed passes
* Mid-season awards:
- Weakest arm
- Least attractive older sister
- Helmet on backwards award
- Worst hand-off
September 30, 6:00 p.m. at field 7
September 27, 2011
Obituary
Emmit Larsen
1906-2011
Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow. Emmit is survived by a photograph of his goldfish, Marty. Funeral services are set for October 1 at 4:30 p.m., then it's off to Padre's for quarter beer night
1906-2011
Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow. Emmit is survived by a photograph of his goldfish, Marty. Funeral services are set for October 1 at 4:30 p.m., then it's off to Padre's for quarter beer night
September 26, 2011
September 25, 2011
For sale
DVD for sale
Reality TV
* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)
$5 each
Keonte 555-0818
Reality TV
* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)
$5 each
Keonte 555-0818
September 24, 2011
For sale
Recliner
* Green w/gravy stains
* 1/2 salami sandwich underneath cushion + extra piece of salami free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Father?
$32
Dale 555-0440
** Ask about our toupee trade-in options **
* Green w/gravy stains
* 1/2 salami sandwich underneath cushion + extra piece of salami free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Father?
$32
Dale 555-0440
** Ask about our toupee trade-in options **
September 23, 2011
Pet personal ad
SWBD, age 6. Looking for a nice, young canine to help me bark at the shadows in the garage. If you've got things crawling around on your back, that's a plus.
* Breath must smell like rotten earthworms or worse *
Mort box 76991
* Breath must smell like rotten earthworms or worse *
Mort box 76991
September 22, 2011
For sale
Car door
* Blue w/deer blood
* Free with purchase:
- six pennies, four nickels
- 1/2 doughnut
* Door handle sold separately
$11
Pete 555-7329
* Blue w/deer blood
* Free with purchase:
- six pennies, four nickels
- 1/2 doughnut
* Door handle sold separately
$11
Pete 555-7329
September 21, 2011
Services
Landscaper for hire
* Mailbox flag trimming
* Grass-eating contest judge
* Who fell off the roof?
Tutorials:
- "What should I do with all this mud?"
- Staircase climbing for dummies
- "There's no reason to mow the driveway"
Call for rates and availability
Gus 555-7739
* Mailbox flag trimming
* Grass-eating contest judge
* Who fell off the roof?
Tutorials:
- "What should I do with all this mud?"
- Staircase climbing for dummies
- "There's no reason to mow the driveway"
Call for rates and availability
Gus 555-7739
September 20, 2011
Meetings
Scorpions 35-over adult league baseball
Post-season team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please return all stirrups to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Peters' huge disappointment list
* Awards to be given out:
- Slowest pitch
- Most eye black eaten
- Girlfriend/wife with the worst breath
- Run to first fall down award
- Worst bunt
- "We can never remember this guy's name" award
September 21, 6:30 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Ernie's Pizza
Post-season team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please return all stirrups to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Peters' huge disappointment list
* Awards to be given out:
- Slowest pitch
- Most eye black eaten
- Girlfriend/wife with the worst breath
- Run to first fall down award
- Worst bunt
- "We can never remember this guy's name" award
September 21, 6:30 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Ernie's Pizza
September 19, 2011
Public Service Announcement
No one wins when cucumbers turn to a life of drugs.
Talk to your vegetables before something else in the refrigerator does.
Talk to your vegetables before something else in the refrigerator does.
September 18, 2011
Meetings
The Clothing Store
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What not to sell in the fitting rooms
* Please stop accepting coat hangers from our men's department as currency
* If it has to be killed inside the store, we are not selling it as a fur
September 19, 9:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What not to sell in the fitting rooms
* Please stop accepting coat hangers from our men's department as currency
* If it has to be killed inside the store, we are not selling it as a fur
September 19, 9:00 a.m.
September 17, 2011
For sale
1/3 cup of salsa
* Red
* Interesting trades for mustard considered
$6
Ronald 555-3348
** Ask about our payment options **
* Red
* Interesting trades for mustard considered
$6
Ronald 555-3348
** Ask about our payment options **
September 16, 2011
For sale
Bulk fortune cookie messages
"You have some chicken fried rice on your shirt"
"I hope you didn't order the chicken chow mein"
"Your husband put one of the rice bowls in his jacket pocket. We saw him do it"
Call for pricing list
Grinning Wok 555-8911
"You have some chicken fried rice on your shirt"
"I hope you didn't order the chicken chow mein"
"Your husband put one of the rice bowls in his jacket pocket. We saw him do it"
Call for pricing list
Grinning Wok 555-8911
September 15, 2011
For sale
Leaves
* Brown, yellow and green available
* $.25 each or 10 for $2
* Interesting trades for acorns considered
Hal 555-4022
* Brown, yellow and green available
* $.25 each or 10 for $2
* Interesting trades for acorns considered
Hal 555-4022
September 14, 2011
For sale
VHS
Movies
* Throw Momma's Back Medicine from the Train
* War of the Worms
* So, I Married a Sax Murderer
* Dude, Where Are My Eyebrows?
Other
* History's Greatest Delayed Airline Flights, Vol. 2
* Baseball's Most Famous Foul Tips
$3 each
Sandra 555-1886
Movies
* Throw Momma's Back Medicine from the Train
* War of the Worms
* So, I Married a Sax Murderer
* Dude, Where Are My Eyebrows?
Other
* History's Greatest Delayed Airline Flights, Vol. 2
* Baseball's Most Famous Foul Tips
$3 each
Sandra 555-1886
September 13, 2011
September 12, 2011
For sale
Used protest signs
"Stop burying cabbage in my front lawn!"
"Save the soup: help us keep the spoons out"
"Guns don't kill people, drinking ear medicine kills people"
"Blakeley High: give us back our math teacher!"
$5 each
Hillary 555-7761
"Stop burying cabbage in my front lawn!"
"Save the soup: help us keep the spoons out"
"Guns don't kill people, drinking ear medicine kills people"
"Blakeley High: give us back our math teacher!"
$5 each
Hillary 555-7761
September 11, 2011
Casting call
The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Nose Bleed of a Salesman
* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown
Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown
Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
September 10, 2011
Meetings
League of Randys fantasy football league
Pre-draft meeting
On the agenda:
* We can no longer accept hot dog buns or chicken bones as part of the league fees
* Randy McGee's real name is Randal McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division
* New league rule: trades can no longer involve real-life family members
September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house
Pre-draft meeting
On the agenda:
* We can no longer accept hot dog buns or chicken bones as part of the league fees
* Randy McGee's real name is Randal McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division
* New league rule: trades can no longer involve real-life family members
September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house
September 9, 2011
Public Service Announcement
Help us end wheelbarrow violence.
Call 555-2114 to find out how you can help.
Call 555-2114 to find out how you can help.
September 8, 2011
Services
Psychiatrist or hire
* Fear of clothed goldfish
* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"
Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572
* Fear of clothed goldfish
* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"
Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572
September 7, 2011
For sale
Drive-thru bill
* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase
$10
Daniel 555-6001
* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase
$10
Daniel 555-6001
September 6, 2011
Meetings
The Tinkle Army
Band meeting
On the agenda:
* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20
September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space
Band meeting
On the agenda:
* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20
September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space
For sale
I'm selling some of my old domain names.
Great prices available.
www.whatsunderbriansfingernails.com
www.coopercollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveleafeating
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/coughofasalesman
www.horacesivemet.tumblr.com/horaceburton
www.pinchestheclown.com/2011tourdates
www.deadwormsifound.blogspot.com
www.mudfights.com/1993/wilkinsvsholmeier2
www.movielist.wordpress.com/thingswelostinthemashedpotatoes
www.nectarinesiveyettofinish.blogspot.com
$10 each
Hal 555-4991
Great prices available.
www.whatsunderbriansfingernails.com
www.coopercollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveleafeating
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/coughofasalesman
www.horacesivemet.tumblr.com/horaceburton
www.pinchestheclown.com/2011tourdates
www.deadwormsifound.blogspot.com
www.mudfights.com/1993/wilkinsvsholmeier2
www.movielist.wordpress.com/thingswelostinthemashedpotatoes
www.nectarinesiveyettofinish.blogspot.com
$10 each
Hal 555-4991
September 5, 2011
Services
Looking to literally and/or figuratively follow in Joe Maglio's footsteps?
Joe Maglio 555-9995
Joe Maglio 555-9995
September 4, 2011
For sale
Water
* Seven ounces available
* Comes in a convenient paper cup
* Perfect for that special someone
$4
Harvey 555-6846
* Seven ounces available
* Comes in a convenient paper cup
* Perfect for that special someone
$4
Harvey 555-6846
For sale
Used books
- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums
- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys
$3 each
Beth 555-1132
- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums
- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys
$3 each
Beth 555-1132
September 3, 2011
For sale
I've got some of my oldest sayings for sale.
Great deals available.
"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"
"Don't bite the mailman who feeds your mailbox"
Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346
Great deals available.
"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"
"Don't bite the mailman who feeds your mailbox"
Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346
September 2, 2011
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes
$10 each
Carlos 555-3772
* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes
$10 each
Carlos 555-3772
September 1, 2011
Meetings
Sandpaper Store
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely
May 7, 2:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely
May 7, 2:00 p.m.
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