October 31, 2012

For sale

Empty mayonnaise packet collection

* Over 250
* Comes with some mayonnaise

Entire collection or individual packets available
Dorothy  555-6117

October 30, 2012


Garrisonville Thunder
Additions to the 2012-2013 promotional calendar

November 20 - Desk Drawer Night
November 24 - Throw Raisins at the Head Referee (pre-game)
December 8 - Rabid Squirrel Night
December 22 - Merle The Twirl McGinley Autographed Paper Towel (1st 10,000 fans)
January 1 - Plastic Bag Day
January 16 - Bring Your Caterpillar to the Arena

Call 555-5009 for tickets

October 29, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Let's put an end to pile violence: prevent your leaves from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-5051 to find out how you can make a difference.

October 28, 2012

Religious visions

An image of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on my grandpa Merle's t-shirt.

There is a brown holy mark in the middle of the shirt, above Jesus' left eye, that we believe is the sign of the lord blessing us.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my attic.

* $140 per viewing
* Holy Shirt! ™ -brand apparel also available
* Ladies 35-45 only

1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport

October 27, 2012

For sale

Money clearance sale

* Several $1 bills
* Quarter w/some dried ketchup (RARE)
* Also available: nickels

Call for pricing list
Chip 555-1342

October 26, 2012

For sale


* Slightly damaged

Keonte  555-3844

October 25, 2012


Need sandpaper eaten?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 24, 2012



Missing since Monday. He's never been away from the kitchen since we brought him home from the grocery store and we're very worried.

Lawrence & Gail  555-7552

October 23, 2012


Helen Kleinschmidt

Mrs. Kleinschmidt died doing what she loved: throwing clumps of grass at neighborhood children. Was minister in the first legalized mouse marriage (January, 2009), and once spent a night in a bed of ketchup to win a bet.

Founding member of the political activist groups S.O.C.C. (Separation of Caterpillar & Coffee) and E.R.G.N. (Equal Rights for Goldfish Now).

Funeral services are set for October 27 at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Jimmy Q's for 80s music trivia.

October 22, 2012

For sale

October car payment

* $300
* Was due October 18
* Air freshener wrapper free with purchase

Trent  555-4120

October 21, 2012

Item found


We found him Thursday evening on the sidewalk near a rain puddle. It's hard to lose a leaf, and we know his owner must be worried.

If he belongs to you, give us a call.

Ivan & Farrah  555-9922

October 20, 2012

For rent

Plastic fork

* Clear
* Used once (mashed potatoes)
* Free plastic spoon with rental agreement

$5/half hour
Hakeem  555-8223

October 19, 2012

Help wanted

I need someone to help me get my balloons down from the power line.

One free balloon to whoever can get them down.

Randy  555-3776

October 18, 2012


Torpedos 35-over adult league baseball
Post-season team meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please return all uneaten sunflower seeds to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Humphries' worst players of the year list: #7, Martin Bainbridge.
* Awards to be given out:

- Wobbliest pitch
- Run home fall down award
- Worst breath (5'9 and under division)
- Most awkward significant other
- Worst slide

October 20, 7:30 p.m. at Derwood Ballroom

October 17, 2012


Need sawdust eaten?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 16, 2012

For sale

 Reality TV on DVD

* Bag Boys: Knoxville
* Yawning With The Stars - Season 2
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 6 (w/extended scenes)
* Does Your Uncle Have To Be Here? - Final season
* Who Can't Read?! - Season 1

$5 each
Nadine  555-5996

October 15, 2012


Papi-Papi's Cuban Restaurant
Staff meeting

Item to discuss:

* Putting to-go food in a customer's shoes was not on the training video

October 17, 9:30 a.m.

October 14, 2012

For rent

Stick of butter

$2/half hour
Samantha 555-1171

October 13, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Let's put an end to swing-on-swing set crime.

Call 555-4291 to find out how you can help.

October 12, 2012


Advice lady for hire

* Wearing a wool hat into the shower
* Don't pour motor oil on your pancakes
* Making a meatloaf out of a molehill
* What to do after you fall out of your mail truck, get back in and immediately fall out a second time
* You can't take a vegetable slicer to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with milk

Call for rates and availability
Carleen 555-7585

October 11, 2012

For sale

VHS movies

Pot Hole on 34th Street
Combover: Impossible
All The President's Pens
Carpet Stain at Bernie's

$4 each
Bernard 555-1711

October 10, 2012

For rent

Cell phone

* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Is Anyone Going to Answer That?
* Dead ants (3) inside free with rental agreement

Priced by the call:

-  $.75/call or $3 for five calls


- $12/half hour

Bobby  555-2323

October 9, 2012


Friends of Bob Rinkman
February meeting

Items to discuss:

* Bob's middle school grades: Q&A
* FBR Flashback, September 22, 2005: the accidental surprise party for Rob Binkmen
* Our field trip to Bob's neighbor Calvin's front lawn has been moved to November  6
* Bob no longer likes spinach

February 22, 1:30 p.m. at Catherine's apartment

October 8, 2012

For sale

Movies on DVD

The Girl With The Wheelbarrow Tattoo
Flat Tire Of A Salesman
Karate Hippo 2
Dances With Lawnmowers
Things We Lost In The Gravy

$3 each
Samantha 555-4337

October 7, 2012

For sale


$3 or best offer
Ernie  555-8223

October 6, 2012


Meetings at Kaynesport Hall - Annex C

Fake Hiccuper's Anonymous
* Meeting moved to October 14

Salad Olympics Opening Ceremonies
* October 8 rehearsal canceled

The People In Mary Vincent's Bathtub
* Field trip to the spare bedroom: November 3

Wheelbarrow Basketball
* Team 4 practice moved to October 15 at 7:00 p.m.

To post a meeting call 555-4401

October 5, 2012


Need a toilet flushed?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 4, 2012

For sale

Block of cheddar cheese

* Some mold
* Hundreds of uses

Ben  555-2338

October 3, 2012


The rubber band-eating contest has been moved to October 27 in the East Annex, Plumptin.

All competitors please bring your pastrami helmet and a drawing or photograph of a glass of milk.

- TBC staff

October 2, 2012

For sale

1/2 paper cup of wine

* Paper cup sold separately

$4 or best offer
Dale  555-8459

October 1, 2012

For sale


* Rare *

$7 or best offer
Caroline 555-8171