Disconnections

We saw each other in downtown Kaynesport last New Year's Eve, right before the artichoke dropped.

I was trying to remove a pencil from my leg and there was blood everywhere. You came up to me and said "that doesn't look right." I didn't understand the joke, but I do now.

If you want to rekindle the passion and desire we felt that night, meet me in front of Kaynesport Pharmacy at 10:30 p.m. and you can join me in my annual countdown to 11:00.


Stan

Services

Need to check the temperature of sink or bath water?

Tired of Joe Maglio coming over, checking the temperature and then either washing his hands and/or taking a bath?

You have other options.


Beverly Maglio  555-9995


* Free autographed picture of Joe Maglio with service agreement *

For sale

Corn niblets

* 57 available


$.15 per niblet or ask about our price for entire lot
Ernie  555-3232

For sale

Used hardcover books

* Book of Tarantula Names: Boys
* Charlie's Little Brother, Trevor and the Sugar Free Gum Factory
* Illustrated History of the Rain Puddle: Volume 11, 1962-1968


$4 each
Beverly  555-8817

Meetings

Pau's Pizza Pauice
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of shrugging, Mr. Sheldon
* Please do not sell counterfeit handbags at the drive thru
* Paper clips are not a topping


December 28, 11:00 a.m.

For sale

Chicken bone

* Rare *


$8
Mick  555-3881

For rent

Chair

* Dozens of uses
* Appeared in the filming of the hit motion picture Dances With Office Furniture


$11/hour
Danielle  555-7466

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when kids turn to the streets and start eating fences.

Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.

For sale

Sand

* Over three pounds available
* Interesting trades for mud considered


Call for pricing list
Stanley  555-3341

Meetings

Mayo King Fast Food - Store #53
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The customers' socks are not acceptable places for to-go food
* There's no such thing as a wearing white sneakers tax
* Forcing customers to compete in a 20-yard dash to receive an extra condiment packet was not on the training video


December 23, 10:00 a.m.

Services

Need to find a contact lens?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For rent

Toothbrush

* White w/blue bristles
* Dried clump of toothpaste on handle (* rare *)
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Who Wants To Brush My Aunt's Teeth?


$4/half hour
Sarah 555-3300

Meetings

What The Book? reading group
December meeting

Books to discuss:

* A Child Called "Kneecap"
* Illustrated History of People Pointing At Leaves
* Idiot's Guide To Picture Frames


December 22, 1:00 p.m. at Stanley's condo

Announcements

The 1st annual Radish Toss has been scheduled for January 9, 2013!

* BYOR
* Part of the filming of the upcoming motion picture Salad, Interrupted


Pre-order tickets: 555-8845

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when shopping carts turn to a life in the bushes.

Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #38
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* The complimentary napkins are not to be sold out of the drive-thru window
* As a precautionary measure, we're turning off the cheese sticks frier until Vanessa's index finger turns up
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "dumbest broad/dude in town"


December 17, 9:30 a.m.

For rent

Couch space

* Must provide own cushions *


$11/half hour
Jenna  555-3977

Services

Handy-man for hire

I provide a number of odd jobs, including:

* Personal shrugger
* Waving at falling snowflakes/raindrops
* Flip flops 101
* Dishwashing detergent taster
* "Let's roller skate over to that guy and lick his elbows"
* Shouting insults at ceiling fans
* Apricot pit appraiser


Call for rates and availability
Irwin  555-0382

Item found

Fork

Found Tuesday on the sidewalk. It's hard when a family loses a fork, and he must be scared and lonely without the other silverware.


Brenda and Alex  555-4488


Reward money?

For sale

Cups of gravel

* Available in three, six and nine-ounce paper cups
* Perfect stocking stuffer
* Other item available: crushed leaves


Call for pricing list
555-3998

For sale

Used play scripts

Watch Tan Line of a Salesman
Guys & Doll Accessories
Celery Sock: The Musical
The Water Fountain of the Opera


$4 each
Helen 555-3310

For sale

Salamander (Rex) and frog (Pete Jr.)



We've grown apart. It's time for all of us to start over.


$3 each or both for $5
Pete 555-9003

Services

Need socks taken off/new socks put on?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For rent

Bow tie

$4/half hour
Garrett  555-2992

* Hurry, Murray is interested *

Missing

Toothbrush

* Missing since Tuesday
* Last seen being rinsed off in sink of upstairs bathroom
* Reward toothpaste offered


Gail and Marty  555-7882

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when brooms get mixed up with the wrong group of trees.

Call 555-8343 to find out how you can make a difference in a young mop, rake or broom's life.

For sale

1/2 pancakes

* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Breakfast Buffet: All Stars
* Plastic fork (white), missing two prongs, sold separately

$3.50 each
Belinda & Charlie  555-2982

Services

Herling, Vonway & Merwood
Attorneys-at-law


* Impersonating a phone booth
* Silverware profiling
* Following too closely to a squirrel while balancing on your head a turkey sandwich
* Resisting a bird's nest
* Leaving the scene of a quesadilla


Call for rates and availability
555-9339

Public Service Announcement

Don't support potato internment camps.

On Tuesday, Vote "YES" on proposition 573.

Services

Ice cube maker for hire

* Over 30 years of experience
* Have six trays and eleven small, paper cups


Call for prices and availability
Clarke  555-3228

** Must provide own water **

For sale

Haboote Shershon autographed styrofoam cup

* Personalized to "Coby"
* Comes with about three ounces of diet cola


$8
Gerald  555-6500

** Hurry, Coby is interested **

Announcements

Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2012-2013 promotional calendar

December 29 - Envelope of gravel (first 2,000 fans 14-under)
January 8 - Throw cabbage at the owner's son
February 17 - Arm Rest Night
February 25 - Salad dressing packet (first 5,000 fans)
March 7 - Garbage Bag Day


For tickets, call 555-3301

Services

Off-season Easter Bunny for hire

* Available through late-March
* Must provide ears


Tim  555-4007

For sale

1/3 of a bagel

* Sesame


$4
Juwan  555-0334

For rent

Bacon grease

* Three ounces available


$3/half hour
Greg  555-6816

** Call within the next 3 minutes or so and get a free piece of bacon **

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* How Much Dog Hair is in my Couch? - Season 4
* Watch Me Drink Nail Polish Remover - Final season
* Golf Bag Swap - Season 3
* Who Won't Get Hypothermia?! - Season 6
* Bus Stop: Jacksonville


$7 each
Trevon 555-6126

For sale

French fries

Currently on the sidewalk in front of my house, but free delivery available.


$.40 each or $10 for all 30
Gwen  555-7665

For sale

Pieces of a flower pot

* Several dozen available
* Six-year old (Nathaniel) responsible for breaking of the flower pot free w/purchase of three or more pieces


$2 each
Connie & Keondre  555-8391

** Ask about our layaway options **

Meetings

The Torkelsons
Post-Thanksgiving family meeting

On the agenda:

* Grandpa Orel's "no shirt, no underwear, no dentures, no sweat" song/dance video: through Sunday copies are on sale for $10. See Aunt Linda at the mailbox.
* Countdown to Thanksgiving, 2013 begins March 5 at midnight


Today, 2:30 p.m. in the sun room

For sale

Pencil shavings

* Over 150 individual shavings in all different sizes available
* Perfect for that special someone in your life


Call for pricing list
Boris  555-3884

* Free mini pencil sharpener with purchase of 25 or more shavings *

For sale

VHS movies

* Dances With Snow Shovels
* Hockey Fish 3
* Things We Lost in the Potato Salad
* Underwear: Impossible
* Desperately Seeking Mouth Wash


$4 each
Arnold  555-0017

Meetings

What The Book? reading group
November meeting


Books to discuss:

* Championship Prison Ping Pong Teams - Editor Maurice Bly
* Greer's Law Books: Fire Ant Possession - Greer Publishing
* Idiot's Guide To The Car Window - Chocolate House Publishing


November 23 at 6:30 p.m.

For rent

Paintbrush

* Used as a prop in the hit play (These Paintbrushes) Are Finally Getting Married!


$8/half hour
Brenda  555-0033

Services

Need rugs looked under?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For sale

Documentaries on DVD

* Dishwashing detergent drinking contest: 1997 quarterfinals
* Let's Get The Porters a Roof For Their House (part 1)
* The Roof Blew Off The House ( Part 2)
* The Porters Are Moving Out (Part 3)
* Returning a VHS Copy Of Being John Malkovich


$6 each
Diane  555-9223

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* Wearing football shoulder pads in the shower
* Pointing battles on grocery aisles: keeping it real
* Blank notebook paper tattoo regret
* "When eating salad, I give names to the croutons"
* Excessive air saxophone
* Fear of talking cookie dough
* Shouting at living room furniture
* "I'm nervous around hot dog buns"


Call for rates and availability
Diane 555-6371

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Chewing Gum Swap - final season
* Stepmother, Stop Yelling At Me! - season 5
* Middle School Science Teachers: Chicago
* Help, My Fantasy Paper Football Team Stinks! - season 2
* How Many Potato Chip Crumbs Are On Fred's Shirt?


$6 each
Jenna  555-8872

For sale

Water fountain

* Mint condition

* Comes with one plastic cup of water

$35

Mort  555-3090

Public Service Announcement

Let's keep the houseplants inside the houses. On November 13, vote 'yes' on proposition 314.

Other prop bills:

418 - Ban hiccuping on cruise ships
106 - Vote NO to stop the Harelson family from getting their mail
55 - Separate but equal: the silverware drawer
248 - Eliminate the letter P from all restaurant menus
63A - Legality of sandpaper on pizza

Meetings

Arnie's Art Supplies
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* We do not accept dollar amounts painted on a canvas as currency
* No matter how much a customer persists, please do not microwave in the break room any tubes of paint
* Cashiers Beth, Deondre & Bryce: the "paint brush in my nose" joke at the register is no longer funny


November 14, 2:00 p.m.

For rent

Hairbrush



* Black w/scalp pieces, leaves
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show So, You Think You Can Swallow Whole a Hairbrush?


$4/hour
Willis 555-6168

For sale

Chiropractor bill

* $240 owed
* I'm at Dr. Shonsen's office in chair 6 in a white t-shirt and blue jeans.
* Scrap of paper autographed by another patient, Daniel, free with purchase


Andy  555-6481

Services

Hernick, Vile & Lump
Attorneys-at-law

* The legality of shaving cream on bratwurst
* P.G.S.U.I. (pointing at grass stains under the influence)
* Cruelty to animal crackers
* Resisting a vest
* Impersonating a police siren
* Eggplant taunting


Call for rates and availability
HV&L  555-7667

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Get Me Out of the Trunk of this Car! - Complete series
* Drive Thru Confessional - Season 5
* Who Won't Get Kidnapped?! - Final season (w/outtakes)
* Bowling Shoes Swap - Season 4


$5 each
Terry 555-3871

Obituary

Orange
2011-2012



* Sold for $.49 (October, 2012)


"One of the last true oranges of its generation"


Viewing: November 17 from 10:00 a.m.-11:30 a.m. at Kaynesport Funeral Home

For rent

Bra

$6/half hour
Veronica  555-8337

For sale

Dog fur

* Three full pillowcases available
* Several different colors, including tan


Call for pricing list
Hector  555-0887

For sale

Hairnet

* Used just 12 times by only four different people
* Perfect for your head
* Comes with three free leaves (pictured)


$9
Chip  555-1342

Meetings

Stop & Stay Convenience Store
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* What happened after Dwayne tried to microwave the still-wrapped candy bars
* Please stop accepting paper cups of sawdust as currency
* We do not have a give a penny take a quart of milk tray


November 5, 9:00 a.m.

Letter from the editor

The following reader entries in our second "Re-name the Bobby" contest have been eliminated: Horace Adelby's Classifieds, Mrs. Horace Adelby's Classifieds and The Bobbby Classifieds. Those eliminated can pick up their participation shirt sleeve at headquarters any time before the end of the year.

Also, please stop mailing us sand, sandpaper or photographs of sandals. That contest ended September 28.

- Derwood Morris

For sale

Diet cola

* About eight ounces of soda available
* Styrofoam cup, straw sold separately
* Ask about our payment plans


$5
Mitch  555-5339

For sale

Empty mayonnaise packet collection

* Over 250
* Comes with some mayonnaise


Entire collection or individual packets available
Dorothy  555-6117

Announcements

Garrisonville Thunder
Additions to the 2012-2013 promotional calendar


November 20 - Desk Drawer Night
November 24 - Throw Raisins at the Head Referee (pre-game)
December 8 - Rabid Squirrel Night
December 22 - Merle The Twirl McGinley Autographed Paper Towel (1st 10,000 fans)
January 1 - Plastic Bag Day
January 16 - Bring Your Caterpillar to the Arena


Call 555-5009 for tickets

Public Service Announcement

Let's put an end to pile violence: prevent your leaves from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-5051 to find out how you can make a difference.

Religious visions

An image of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on my grandpa Merle's t-shirt.

There is a brown holy mark in the middle of the shirt, above Jesus' left eye, that we believe is the sign of the lord blessing us.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my attic.

* $140 per viewing
* Holy Shirt! ™ -brand apparel also available
* Ladies 35-45 only


1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport

For sale

Money clearance sale

* Several $1 bills
* Quarter w/some dried ketchup (RARE)
* Also available: nickels


Call for pricing list
Chip 555-1342

For sale

Windshield

* Slightly damaged


$7
Keonte  555-3844

Services

Need sandpaper eaten?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Missing

Apple

Missing since Monday. He's never been away from the kitchen since we brought him home from the grocery store and we're very worried.



Lawrence & Gail  555-7552

Obituary

Helen Kleinschmidt
1925-2012

Mrs. Kleinschmidt died doing what she loved: throwing clumps of grass at neighborhood children. Was minister in the first legalized mouse marriage (January, 2009), and once spent a night in a bed of ketchup to win a bet.

Founding member of the political activist groups S.O.C.C. (Separation of Caterpillar & Coffee) and E.R.G.N. (Equal Rights for Goldfish Now).

Funeral services are set for October 27 at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Jimmy Q's for 80s music trivia.

For sale

October car payment

* $300
* Was due October 18
* Air freshener wrapper free with purchase


Trent  555-4120

Item found

Leaf

We found him Thursday evening on the sidewalk near a rain puddle. It's hard to lose a leaf, and we know his owner must be worried.

If he belongs to you, give us a call.


Ivan & Farrah  555-9922

For rent

Plastic fork

* Clear
* Used once (mashed potatoes)
* Free plastic spoon with rental agreement


$5/half hour
Hakeem  555-8223

Help wanted

I need someone to help me get my balloons down from the power line.

One free balloon to whoever can get them down.


Randy  555-3776

Meetings

Torpedos 35-over adult league baseball
Post-season team meeting


Items to discuss:

* Please return all uneaten sunflower seeds to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Humphries' worst players of the year list: #7, Martin Bainbridge.
* Awards to be given out:

- Wobbliest pitch
- Run home fall down award
- Worst breath (5'9 and under division)
- Most awkward significant other
- Worst slide


October 20, 7:30 p.m. at Derwood Ballroom

Services

Need sawdust eaten?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For sale

 Reality TV on DVD


* Bag Boys: Knoxville
* Yawning With The Stars - Season 2
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 6 (w/extended scenes)
* Does Your Uncle Have To Be Here? - Final season
* Who Can't Read?! - Season 1


$5 each
Nadine  555-5996

Meetings

Papi-Papi's Cuban Restaurant
Staff meeting


Item to discuss:

* Putting to-go food in a customer's shoes was not on the training video


October 17, 9:30 a.m.

For rent

Stick of butter




$2/half hour
Samantha 555-1171

Public Service Announcement

Let's put an end to swing-on-swing set crime.




Call 555-4291 to find out how you can help.

Services

Advice lady for hire


* Wearing a wool hat into the shower
* Don't pour motor oil on your pancakes
* Making a meatloaf out of a molehill
* What to do after you fall out of your mail truck, get back in and immediately fall out a second time
* You can't take a vegetable slicer to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with milk


Call for rates and availability
Carleen 555-7585

For sale

VHS movies


Pot Hole on 34th Street
Combover: Impossible
All The President's Pens
Carpet Stain at Bernie's


$4 each
Bernard 555-1711

For rent

Cell phone

* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Is Anyone Going to Answer That?
* Dead ants (3) inside free with rental agreement


Priced by the call:

-  $.75/call or $3 for five calls

or

- $12/half hour


Bobby  555-2323

Meetings

Friends of Bob Rinkman
February meeting


Items to discuss:

* Bob's middle school grades: Q&A
* FBR Flashback, September 22, 2005: the accidental surprise party for Rob Binkmen
* Our field trip to Bob's neighbor Calvin's front lawn has been moved to November  6
* Bob no longer likes spinach


February 22, 1:30 p.m. at Catherine's apartment

For sale

Movies on DVD


The Girl With The Wheelbarrow Tattoo
Flat Tire Of A Salesman
Karate Hippo 2
Dances With Lawnmowers
Things We Lost In The Gravy


$3 each
Samantha 555-4337

For sale

Avocado

$3 or best offer
Ernie  555-8223

Meetings

Meetings at Kaynesport Hall - Annex C

Fake Hiccuper's Anonymous
* Meeting moved to October 14

Salad Olympics Opening Ceremonies
* October 8 rehearsal canceled

The People In Mary Vincent's Bathtub
* Field trip to the spare bedroom: November 3

Wheelbarrow Basketball
* Team 4 practice moved to October 15 at 7:00 p.m.


To post a meeting call 555-4401

Services

Need a toilet flushed?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Block of cheddar cheese

* Some mold
* Hundreds of uses


$6
Ben  555-2338

Announcements

The rubber band-eating contest has been moved to October 27 in the East Annex, Plumptin.

All competitors please bring your pastrami helmet and a drawing or photograph of a glass of milk.


- TBC staff

For sale

1/2 paper cup of wine

* Paper cup sold separately


$4 or best offer
Dale  555-8459

For sale

Potato




* Rare *


$7 or best offer
Caroline 555-8171

Help wanted

I need someone who can talk an old lady out of a mud pile.

Must own either a fishing pole or rope and have things of value to trade for mud.

Hank 555-4014

For rent

Hubcap

$7/hour
Gwen & Bobby  555-2323

For sale

Ant litter

- Pure-bred
- Black and fire
- Farms/hills available


Call for pricing list
Jenny & Garret 555-6117


* We also have 700 sets of twins and we don't want to separate them (inquire within)

For hire

Ear hair trimmer for hire

* Priced per hair *


Contact for rates and availability
Percy  555-1007


** Call now and receive three free vintage 1980s ears **

Meetings

Stop & Stay Convenience Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The 'cigarette in my nose' joke at the cash register is no longer funny
* We do not have a give a penny take a case of orange soda tray


September 27, 10:00 a.m.

For sale

Candles

* Six available
* Some contain chocolate icing
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show My Sweet 47 Party


$1 each or all six for $5
Patrice  555-8771

Meetings

Kaynesport High School varsity girl's basketball
Preseason team meeting


On the agenda:

* Throwing sandwich meat at the referee from the bench is not a proper response to a foul call
* Why only during practice can we have six or more players on the court at once


Wednesday, 11:00 a.m. in the auxiliary gym

For sale

Bread



* Plenty of character
* Perfect for the bread lover in your life
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Get Electrocuted?!


$2
Gabe 555-3970

Opportunities

Adopt a portion of Sea Shell Road 4

Call 555-6617 for more details

Services

Need chairs sat in?

You've tried Joe Maglio, now try the best.


Dominic Maglio  555-9995

For sale

T-shirt sleeve

* Gray

$4
Glenn  555-5818

** Rest of shirt sold separately. Inquire within. **

For sale

Dry wall

* RARE *

$8
Terry  555-6633


Hurry, my cousin Linda is interested

For sale

Concert tickets

* Two available from Peggy Cliff's "Christmas Again?" concert - February, 1993
* Free with purchase: cassette copy of Cliff's hit single Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)

 
$10 each or both for $17
Harriet  555-6339

** Receipt from original ticket transaction sold separately **

Public Service Announcement

Support local mold: help us keep the bread off

Call 555-0017 to learn more

Husband for rent

Marty
Age: 47

Achievements:

* Extra in the 1998 film Things We Lost In The Baked Beans
* Ate Plumptin County record 17 tree branches (May, 1987)
* Voted "best car" in high school yearbook (June, 1993)
* Can fit three potatoes in his mouth at once
* Recently coached the Mariners youth softball team to a 5-5-2 record


$7/hour
Bethany 555-0126

** Hurry, Eleanor is interested **

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
September meeting


Books to discuss:

* The Mustard Water In The Rye
* Greer's Law Books: Pigeon Possession
* Championship Prison Tennis Teams
* Idiot's Guide To The Mirror


September 17, 6:00 p.m. at Lanette & Gary's condo

Item missing

Cooler top


* Last seen: Wednesday at around 2:00 p.m.
* Since we borrowed him from Uncle Greg's on the 3rd, he's rarely been separated from the cooler. We're very worried that he might've gotten involved with a shady picnic basket or a leaking bag of ice.


Diane & Jermaine  555-9388

Services

Handyman for hire

* All kinds of services provided *

- Shouting insults at dirty bath water
- Wrestling living room furniture
- Flushing old fruit; eulogies
- Arm wrestling the elderly
- Introducing napkins to other napkins


Call for rates and availability
Vance 555-4481

Wanted

I'm looking to purchase one couch cushion, doesn't matter what color it is.

Willing to pay as much as $8 or the equivalent in taco shells.


Ivan  555-4671

Meetings

Donachella's Italian Restaurant
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to take home the wall mirrors
* In the birthday song, we do not repeat the phrase "nobody cares, jerk" at the end
* What not to fill the ravioli with


September 14, 10:00 a.m.

Announcements

* On September 18, vote "YES" on proposition 67 to keep the rain puddles in the parking lot where they belong


Other prop bills:

73: Ban sneezing on kayaks
119: The legality of dish washing detergent on cheeseburgers
202: Goldfish rights
33: Wearing a top hat and suspenders into the shower

For rent

Slipper

$4/half hour
Orin  555-8446

Public Service Announcement

Help us put an end to banana peel-on-banana peel crime.

On September 18, vote NO on proposition 413.

For sale

Celery stalk

* Partially-eaten
* Appeared in the hit reality TV show Bad Celery Club


$2
Mindy  555-0022