For sale

Autographed ball by world-famous Double Bagel barnstorming tennis team/tennis racket air guitar quartet, Elbow Martinez

* Includes Murray Vern autograph (rare)
* Contains 6% canine snot


$400
Catherine 555-7891

WANTED

Paul Hennegul
Age: 37




Wanted for failing to leave a koi pond in a timely manner and for refusing to take off his ketchup-dispensing helmet in a government building. Mr. Hennegul is also wanted for previous infractions, including kidnapping an envelope and stuffing it with cream cheese.

He has a face and is considered jacketless.


If you have any information, please call the Kaynesport Sheriff's department: 555-1004

For sale

Neckties


* Blue
* Flying pork chops
* "TOO COOL FOR DENTAL SCHOOL"
* Singing staplers
* Earthworm Ernie


$6 each
Ron 555-3207

Destinations

Visit Exit 74 in Kaynesport!

Missing Pet

Gary


[Photo taken March, 2010)


* Three-years old, .2 OZ
* Significant other: Barbara (lint pile in laundry room)
* Last seen: stuck to grandma Nadine's ear


Reward: 15 thumb tacks if found alive


Geraldine & Timothy 555-0192

For sale

Styrofoam chunk



$30
Eddie 555-8717


* Hurry, many interested *

Meetings

Mildew's Grocery Store
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

* We do not have a daycare in the dairy section
* No pinching the customers while they swipe their credit cards
* What's the code for plantains?


April 27, 9:00 a.m.

For sale

The classics on cassette




* Uncle Cal Sneezes
* Paul's crouton rant at Vince Jr's piano recital
* My impromptu version of "Blame it on the Rain" at great-grandmother Pearl's funeral (new!)
* Sarah and Andrew arguing about salad dressing at the grocery store


And more!


Call for pricing list
Vince 555-4414

Openings

Island Twin Drive-In
Grand opening!




April movies:

Jean Shorts Down
Roof Leak at Tiffany's
You're a Diarrhetic Man, Arnold Brown
What Horseflies Want
Limes & Punishment


Island Twin - 550 Quaysley Lane, Kaynesport

For sale

$1 bill

* Green/white


$5
Trevor 555-1201

For sale

I'm doing a bit of spring cleaning. Great deals available.


Used books

The Salami in the Rye - Kirk Sherman
Idiot's Guide to the Ice Cream Sandwich - Ed. Penny Cartwright
The Audacity of Soap - Catherine Tanner

$3 each


Refrigerator/freezer items

* Harold thumbs - 2 for $1
* Mystery clumps in tin foil - $7
* Ice cubes (recently frozen!) - $8 each



Call today!
Garret 555-7581

Meetings

The People in Beverly Clark's Walk-In Closet
Spring meeting


Items to discuss:

* Last week's square dance: what went wrong
* A coat hanger is not a weapon
* Our field trip to the upstairs hallway has been moved to June 1


May 9, 4:00 p.m.

For sale

Sauerkraut



- 6 OZ
- Comes with hot dog bun


$2 or best offer
Tony 555-4991


* Sauerkraut gun sold separately *

Item found

Coat hanger

* Black
* Looks like it might've once held some chinos

We know what it's like to lose a hanger. If he looks like yours, give us a call.


Bob & Tanya  555-3392

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

Specializing in:

* Inadequacy in the mail room
* Fear of talking birthmarks
* "I make soup, then pour it into my sneakers"
* The monsters inside your chin hair
* "I hate my wife's sneeze"
* Over-blinking


Call for hourly rates
555-6652

For sale

Husband - Randy
Age: 41

- Owner and proprietor of whatsinsiderandysear.com
- Pets: Verner (goldfish), Yoyo (imaginary dolphin)


Awards & honors:

* Eastern conference champion at 1997 Shampoo Drink
* Won "Oiliest Forehead" at 2005 Noggins


$200 or best offer
Danielle 555-4301

Meetings

Wendell County Junior High School
Teacher's meeting


On the agenda:

* You're not allowed to charge students a fee for going to the bathroom
* Something is alive in locker No. 780
* A field trip to the liquor store is not educational


April 20, 9:00 a.m. in lounge

Closings

Come help us say goodbye to Feathers Field, May 2

Schedule of events:

6:00 p.m. - "Feathers Field Favorites", narrated by P96.9's Pigeon Daniels

* $1 Pickle Night: June 7, 1993
* Dizzy Arnold's prescription pants retired: September 1, 1979
* Pickle Riots: June 7, 1993
* Bring your Mailman to the Park: August 11, 2002
* Lint Roller Night: April 16, 1996

7:30 p.m. - Where on the infield did we bury Carl?
8:15 p.m. - First pitch of final game: Murray College vs. Plumptin Technical Institute


Call 555-1191 for tickets

Meetings

Bellyflops Restaurant
Servers meeting


Items to discuss:

* The customers are not allowed to take home their chairs
* Please put on your bow tie after your work shirt
* The birthday song does not include the words "kick" and "jerk"


April 20, 11:00 a.m.

Home for rent

1 SHOWER/BED
0 DOOR
0 WINDOW
1 SALAMANDER CEMETERY


* Priced to catch on fire
* Hideout for Mark Linford, "The Phantom Pincher", from 1992-1997


$89/month
Brevin & Carrie 555-8510

For sale

Phone




* Near-mint condition
* Comes with two styrofoam cups
* Used in the filming of the 1982 movie I'm Not Home, Leave a Mustache



$9 or best offer
Linda 555-4176

For sale

VHS


Karate Fish
Chicken Salad: Impossible
Nerdy Dancing 2


$4 each
Wanda 555-9110

New Headquarters

The Bobby Classifieds has moved into its new headquarters at 305 Ginsley Street




Tours: Wed-Thu. Call for reservations.

Building for lease

Historic Schmertoff building in downtown Kaynesport is available for lease



Previous inhabitants:

* F.A.I.O. (Fathers Against Infant Odors) headquarters (1976-1979)
* We Need a Front Door fundraiser (December, 1979)
* Discount Wendells (1980-1989)
* Celebrity Tissue/Napkin Museum (1990-1992)
* S.C.C. (Separation of Cockroach & Cake) meeting place (1993-1999)
* Pit Stain Gentleman's Club (2000-2010)


$217/month
Derwood Reality 555-2323

Pet personal ads

Single, green turtle, 4 OZ. I take my time in the water, ladies, and I've got room for two on my shell. My parents were used in an October, 2009 bowl of turtle soup, so I'm still uncomfortable speaking on the subject of broth.

* No fake scales


Roderick box 77169

Bumpkins for hire

* Over 20,000 in stock *

- Perfect for scotch taping things to
- Former laundry detergent-drinking contest champions available


Call 555-8883

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #314
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* It's been more than 72 hours: time to get Marvin and his grandfather out of the walk-in freezer
* Please stop accepting cat whiskers as currency
* We're temporarily taking fries off the menu until Beth's thumb turns up


April 16, 2:00 p.m.

New Bobby T-Shirts

"Ernie"
M, L, G, GVN, XGVN


$5 each
derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

Services

Looking for tickets to this year's hottest events?

Call the Ticket Pit


Harriet Pull - Kaynesport Dome, July 7
The Belly Button Bandits - Plumptin Amphitheatre, August 1-2
M.A.T.T. (Mothers Against Teenage Tattletailing) National Conference - Antonio's Motel, September 20-21
The Wallet Keepers - Blast! Cola Arena, November 11-15


Derwood Blakeley Plays
Live at Feathers Playhouse

Bandaids On Ice - June 7-19
Phantom of the Okra - June 24-July 7
Lip Syncer on the Roof - August 3-15


Ticket Pit
555-7189

Services

Adopt-a-Goose

Perfect for:

* Keeping up with the swans
* Building a goose army
* Hilarious prom dates


Featured geese:


Marty & Alex


Call 555-4646 for more information

For sale

Penny collection



* Over 200 pennies, most found at the Route 73 toll booth
* Two rare 2008 pennies available


"You've tried dimes, now try the best"


$1 each or entire collection for $170
Timothy 555-1891

For sale

Beard

Good, thick beard with a lot of experience.

* Brown
* Grape jelly clump in left corner


$12
Ernie 555-4410

For sale

Ralph "Bingo" Martin autographed ball



* Comes with napkin of authenticity

$100
Ralph  555-1143

Openings

Frank's Variety Store
Grand re-opening


* Soy sauce-dispensing helmets
* Sandpaper sample books
* Olive Boy Halloween costumes
* Gary Perkins toes
* "Belches in a bottle" by Ms. Fanteesha
* Microwavable slippers
* BROCCOLI DOG bumper stickers


Frank's - 856 Cousoc Lane, Kaynesport

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
April meeting


Books to discuss:

* Idiot's Guide to the Toothbrush - Editor: Harlin Shane
* The Barry Kraymore Bible (old testament) - Barry Kraymore
* Photographic Encyclopedia of Spilled Macaroni Salad - Chocolate House Publishing


April 14, 7:00 p.m. at Jake & Carrie's summer home

For sale

Cable bill

* $63.79
* Envelope/stamp free with purchase
* Due April 21


$30
Kenny 555-5561

Letter from the editor

The last 24 hours have been difficult, first with the passing of my pet raccoon, Kelvin, and then the cancelling of my favorite TV show, Help! I Ate Too Many Pine Cones. I appreciate all of the get-well ice cubes.

For those interested in purchasing tickets to the Vanessa's New Forehead fundraiser, please email oscarrainbow@gmail.com for more information.

And please stop sending used tissues that look like famous people. The contest ended March 11.


- Derwood Morris

For sale

Workout videos (VHS)

* Float in the Shallow End with Darren
* No One is Leaving Until I See A Chin Up


$6 each or 2 for $10
Cody 555-4461

Meetings

Bert Kenford Search Party
Spring, 2010 meeting


On the agenda:

* Does anyone have even the slightest idea where Bert is?
* Apologizing to Kurt Benford and returning him to his family
* Who's going to search for our missing flashlight?


April 9, 4:00 p.m. at the headquarters building

For rent

Used razor



- Autographed by my roommate, Zack
- Best used for:

* Razor sword fights
* Mustache for Razor Boy Halloween costume


$7/hour
Andy 555-0919

For sale

Mattress



* Mint condition
* Bath tub-safe
* Appeared in the 2009 video Box Springs Gone Wild 4


$45
Kathy 555-4556

For sale

Discount Easter items


Easter Bunny costume

* Left ear badly burned

$11 or best offer


Doc Jenniwith's 1983 LP (Can't Shake My) Rabbit Habit

* Autographed by Jenniwith's cousin, Ernie *

$4


Egg yolks

3 for $1



Frank 555-3839

For Sale

New Bobby reality TV mugs




Follow your favorite Bobby television shows with a steaming cup of dandelion juice in your very own mug!

Email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

Openings

Chips Ice Cream Shop
Grand re-opening!


New flavors:

* Chocolint Mint
* Gravely Road
* Daschund's Breath
* Harold Toe
* Cucumber Summer
* Harriet Sweat
* Unsweeteabag
* Mustard Custard


Chips - 380 Hooper Street, West Plumptin

Help Wanted

I need to get my husband out of the washing machine. He went in there three days ago to "do some thinking" and I have to soak some towels. Looking for someone with experience in husband removal, or a new washing machine.


Sally 555-2002

Meetings

Smile-a-Day Convenience Store - #122
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* We do not have a "leave a penny, take an ice cream sandwich" tray
* Last week's windshield washer fluid drinking contest: why, in retrospect, no one is a winner


April 6, 2:00 p.m. at corporate headquarters

Goldfish for sale

Ronald



We used to be so close. Now he just floats there, ignoring me.

It's time for both of us to see new people/fish.


$8 or best offer
Percy 555-2612

For sale

Disposable camera



Known pictures available:

* Rory the hamster dies/funeral (6 photos)
* Peanut butter angels national semi finals (4 photos)
* Inside Grandpa Carlton's nose

New Years Eve, 2002 collection:

* Paul naked ice skating with kitten ear muffs
* "Vomit piles of downtown Kaynesport"
* Things we found, alive in the glove compartment of the cab
* Paul attacks a security guard with an ice skate


$15 for camera
Natalie 555-6772

Public Service Announcement

Support interdandelion marriage

May 7, vote "yes" on proposition 212


Other prop bills:

Prop 79: Eyebrow tax

Prop 114: Ban the use of wind instruments underwater

Prop 386: Legality of sawdust on popcorn

Announcements

The three finalists for the first-annual Art Contest and Arm Pit Identification have been selected! Now it's your turn to vote for which work should be featured at the ACAPIS luncheon, June 1.

Finalists:



"Hobo Nightmare"
Grant Wiest, Jasper City




"Celery Sock"
Valerie Timmons, Kaynesport




"Glue Stick & Moldy Bagel"
Kristin Fecker, Kaynesport


Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll