August 29, 2008

For Sale

Mustache hair

This is some experienced facial hair. It's been a handlebar mustache and part of several failed goatees.

* Dyed blonde-July, 2001

Larry 555-7129

August 28, 2008


Lobe's 16th Street Movie House
Team meeting

Agenda (subject to change):

- Just because it's yellow doesn't make it butter
- Remembering assistant manager Petey Leonard's pet gerbil, Boscoe
- Who ate all of the Sour Patch Kids?

September 1, 6:00 p.m.

August 27, 2008

Personality Profile #4

Gavin Henderson

Age: 36

Interests: cuticle maintenance; keeping it unreal; the 4-3 defense

In my bedroom you'll find
: celery

Claim to fame: chased and eventually caught a pigeon through 25 city blocks to win the gold medal in the August, 1997 Pigeon Chase.

Secret shame: angry pigeon made a mess on his hand, August, 1997

Favorite TV show
: Co-Worker Swap

Prized possession
: Teen Wolf Too soundtrack, autographed by Stuart Fratkin

Favorite number
: 58

If I could be anything else, I'd be
: a plaid rain coat

Gavin box #457

August 26, 2008


Barton semi-pro basketball
Pre-season team meeting


* Why we can only use a ladder in practice
* The kidnapping of assistant coach Marty Mitchell's clipboard
* How are we getting to our first game?

Winkle Gymnasium - September 3, 5:00 p.m.


Dennis Lambert

Beloved tax attorney and advocate of same-sex antiquing, Dennis died doing what he loved: sitting on his recliner, counting the hair on his head. He was most proud of his lawnmower collection, which by last count had reached triple digits. Survived by his son, Dennis Jr. (124) and daugther, Martha (117).

Darlene Macafferty

Darlene is best-known for her starring roles in the ground-breaking television documentary, Growing up Headless. In 1957, she successfully lobbied to have the sidewalks in her hometown of Sandlebury removed. Survived by her pet rabbit, Cecil.

August 25, 2008


Stalking Vanessa Leonard Society

September, 2008 meeting

Items to discuss:

* What to do now that the oak tree in Jim Hilson's yard was destroyed in the hurricane
Did society founder Dirk James really kiss Vanessa in 2003, and if so, where?
* Vanessa's new haircut

September 5, 7:00 p.m. at Gary Minter's condo

For sale


Buy my parents

Jim (34) and Tammy (29) Winters

My dad is always screaming when the Chicago Bears are on TV and my mom has brown hair.

$120 each or $200 for both

Jim Jr. 555-7028


SWR, 6-foot-2

- Several old mustard containers available
- Lots of magnet space

Frank 555-4466

August 24, 2008

For sale

Tennis instructional videos

* Learn from neighborhood-famous tennis pro Ernie Pagglio, "The Surgeon"
* But 1/2 VCR, get second half free

Set of 5 videos - $250
Holy Racket Productions 555-1645

August 23, 2008

For sale


Edgar & Sandeep go to 7-Eleven
Kissing Mildred Bannister Again
Save the last hot dog

$3 each or all three for $7
Ellen 555-7677

August 22, 2008

Services Provided

I'll hand-wash your vegetables

I've got my own sink and tap water. I'll come to your doorstep and pick up your veggies, give them a good scrubbing and deliver them within the hour or your money back!

- carrots
- celery
- cucumbers
- asparagus
- green, red or yellow peppers

and many more!

** No yellow squash **

$2 per vegetable + travel expenses
Jeremy 555-5219

August 21, 2008

For Sale


* Soy-blend

* Easy to light

* Many scents, including "Bacon", "The Ballpark", and "Underarm Sweat".

"Hey, I made the damn things. The least you could do is buy one."

-- Tory Jolsen, founder

Very funny gifts

Man candles

August 20, 2008

Personality Profile #3

Eddie Jamison

Age: 30

Interests: getting jiggy with certain things; proper mustache comb disposal

In my bedroom you'll find: a Dave Coulier bobblehead doll, missing one leg

Claim to fame: lived in my fireplace for three weeks in December, 2001

Secret shame: finished last in 14 consecutive games of Simon Says at Hemphill Elementary School (1st grade-February, 1985)

Favorite TV show: So, you wanna work at Shoneys

Prized possession: New Kids on the Block lunchbox, autographed by Donnie Wahlberg impersonator Ian Predmore

Favorite number: 117

If I could be anything else, I'd be: a bow tie

Eddie box #163


A Novel Concept book club
Late-August meeting

Books to discuss:

Who mooned my cheese? - Beth Darlington
The encyclopedia of delayed airline flights - Chocolate House Publishing

August 30, 5:00 p.m. at Noel's apartment

August 19, 2008

For sale

Lip balm

- Cherry
- Used less than 10 times on only three pairs of lips

Bobby 555-2323

August 18, 2008

For sale


Honey, I Swallowed the Kids
World's Greatest Elbow Dislocations
Dude, who ate my Pastrami Sandwich?
Dead Mosquitos Society

$5 each
Hillary 555-7839

August 17, 2008

Personality Profile #2

Sandra Davenport

Age: 35

Interests: conversations about stain removal that lead to eventual stain removal

In my bedroom you'll find: more than 3,000 stolen phone books

Claim to fame: dated the entire football team at my college, setting a new Lamda Phi Delta sorority record

Secret shame: unsuccessfully lobbied to have the letter 'W' removed from all typewriters (June, 1991)

Favorite TV show: Housekeeper Swap

Prized possession: Muppets Take Manhattan movie poster, autographed by Grover

Favorite number: 67

If I could be anything else, I'd be: a wasp nest

Sandra box #410

August 16, 2008

For sale


* 44 years old

Gray hair; drives a 1994 Ford Escort stationwagon; loves the Dallas Cowboys.

He's been married three times and unfortunately the 3rd time was not the charm.

$125 or best offer

Andrea 555-4022

Take out menus

I've got a ton of these things: chinese, indian, hamburger joints; italian.

5 for $10

4 Bamboo Luau menus for $5

Arnold 555-1001

August 15, 2008


Mailpersons Alliance
Late-summer meeting

On the agenda:

* What happened after Charlie Mcafferty fell out of his truck
* Hallway of Honor recipients
* Wandering onto the highway: what do I do now?

Saltine crackers: Marge

August 24, 7:30 p.m.

August 14, 2008

For Sale


Sandwich Builder (August, 2000; November, 2000)
Toll Booth (November, 1988)
Standing & Sitting (May, 2006; June, 2006)
Sneeze (January, 1991; March, 1992; September, 1994)

$2 each
Paul 555-8102

Dill yogurt marinade

Two containers for $5

"The best dill yogurt marinade my wife, Cindy, has ever made."

-- Dan Valentine

Cindy 555-6429

August 13, 2008

TV listings

WDER TV's new fall lineup!

Reality Television

[All shows premier August 23]

Will you go with my daughter to the prom?
Housekeeper Swap
We're living in the bathtub!
So, you wanna play the tuba

Exciting MBBA action

September 6 - Adenfro at Wheelership 1:00 p.m.
September 13 - Manchich at Eeedelburo 1:00 p.m.
September 20 - Coop County at Dylan 1:30 p.m.
September 27 - Gafreda at Dragenport 1:30 p.m.
October 4 - MBBA playoffs, 1st round game TBD

Personality Profile

Dan McCutchen

Age: 33

Interests: filling out personality profiles; toaster renovation

In my bedroom you'll find: turnips

Favorite musical group: The Mossy People

Claim to fame: scored 32 points off the bench in a junior varsity basketball game (January, 1991)

Secret shame: expelled from school for shaving points and accepting money from gamblers in a junior varsity basketball game (January, 1991).

Favorite TV show: Who Wants to Sleep in a Bus Terminal?

Prized possession: autographed picture of John Stamos

Favorite number: 42

If I could be anything else, I'd be: a potato chip

Dan box #621


Sally's Stationery Store
Store #214 - September staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Wednesday's glue stick fight:
1. Who glued all of the binders together?
2. We're still missing four glue sticks

* The firing, re-hiring and re-firing of Jenna Cleghorn
* Why you have to wear pants to work

September 2, 7:30 p.m.

August 12, 2008


We'll devein your shrimp.

$8 per hour or pay by the shrimp
Calvin and Jessica 555-5090

August 11, 2008

TV listings

WDOO's new fall reality-TV lineup is here!

[Shows begin September 1]

Meth Lab - Fayetteville
Grandchild Swap
Take my Aunt to the Dentist
Rescue my Cat!
So, you think you can operate a fork lift?
Bowling Team
How much change is in my couch?

August 10, 2008

For Sale



Age 6; black and white. Loves to chase elderly women.

$30 or best offer
Darrin 555-3301

43 garbanzo beans


Hurry, many interested
Ricky 555-7101

Discount books

City of Ugly People - Randolph Valentine
Idiot's Guide to Reading - Ed. Helen Jameson
Encyclopedia of Washing Machines - Chocolate House Publishing

$3 each
Jenna 555-8872

August 9, 2008

Wheelbarrows for sale

Wouldn't you love to own a wheelbarrow?

Now you can with Wilbur's Wheelbarrows.

Perfect for:

- Delivering inebriated friends and loved ones home safely

- Turnip/radish transportation

- Eluding police

- Wheelbarrow shows

Give us a call 555-2421

For sale

Wild herring filets (5)

* Wood smoked

Danielle 555-0102


3 - "I love my grandpa"
1 - Donald Duck
1 - Zach Morris "High School Hunk"
1 - American Flag
1 - American Flag with blinking red, white and blue lights
1 - Red

$5 each
Hank 555-8844

August 8, 2008

New doctor's office opening!

You've tried the rest, now let me have a crack at it.

Jason's Doctor's Office
- 755 Ackley Drive, Apt. 1530

Come on in and

- Read the latest issue of Hiding Under Canoe Or Kayak Magazine magazine
- Have your bronchial tubes cleared

Plus much more.


Mon-Fri 11:00 a.m. - 3:00 p.m.
Sat. noon - 2:00 p.m.

555-9883 for appointments
555-2626 if you just want to speak with Jason (ladies only)

August 7, 2008

For Sale


I've got it all: white lined, plain white, yellow lined, green graph paper, fax cover sheets, orange printing paper, tracing paper. You name it, I'll look around in my basement, but I'm pretty confident I've got it.

email for pricing list:


Age 37
bald, glasses

Buy my husband for a fraction of the cost of other husbands. He's handy around the house; pretty good at driving; head coach of the Cleppinger County 12-year old travel basketball team. Collects matchbooks.


Kate 555-6773


Pinchers Anonymous
Summer retreat


Friday, August 22
Who to call when you break the skin

Saturday, August 23
Sleep pinching: Q&A

Sunday, August 24
Six-mile hike up Pinch Mountain

Three-day retreat - $500
Call 555-0423 for more details

August 6, 2008

Meetings Posted

The Ex's of Brent Kellog Society

August meeting

- How to remove four tires from a Jeep Wrangler in less than 10 minutes
- Brent's new girlfriend's new cheek implants
- Special Expert Panel: did Brent really graduate from Princeton?

August 10, 7:00 p.m. at Judith Marbury's apartment - 435 Technology Drive

August 5, 2008


Jalinski Computer Company wants to teach you and others how to operate a computer. Choose from one of our four week-long programs:

Professor Aaron Cartwright

* Where is the on-off button?
* Protect yourself from overuse
* Should we be calling it the off-on button?


Professor Kitch McAllister

* I spilled Mountain Dew on my keyboard, now what?
* Typing with a purpose
* Living without the letter 'R'


Professor Pip Vanderwal

* Permanent marker horror stories
* Why the monitor shouldn't be in your lap

Professor Maria Martinez

Only $400 per course
Call now! 555-8282

August 4, 2008


Nuts About Tables
Fall meeting

Roundtable discussion includes:

* Table tennis Hall of Fame inductions
* Getting your elbows off the table: why our parents were right

September 17, 7:00 p.m.

For sale

Eddie's Wigs & Thigs
Wig clearance

Brown wig $4
Silvery-black wig (used by Dennin Sourbush in the movie What's That Smell?) $7
Blue wigs 5 for $10
Fake wigs $1 each

225 Pelham Road

Uncle Henry

44-years old; 5-10, 225; voted "Best Hair" senior year at Stalinski High School (1982). Loves Miller High Life.

$100 or best offer
Craig 555-0901

Monday morning personal ads

Men seeking women

21, SWM. Student at Paymont University, studying to be a Happleblonicist with a concentration in Kikkley-Shanes 2. Former quarterback at Ginsburg High School (2002-2005); threw 17 touchdown passes during 2004-2005 season, which is still a Benson family record, though none of my relatives actually played high school football.

Zach box 87921

I need a ride to work.

Bobby box 54052

Women seeking men

I've been in a lot of bad relationships that have ended in Waffle House parking lots. I'm looking for a man that doesn't work at Waffle House.

Cassandra box 33361

God is #1; my lord and savior. Oprah is #2. You'll have to compete with my cat, Sprinkles, for the #3 spot. Here's a good way to get a leg up on him: shut your mouth and don't be scratching me while I watch Maurey Povich.

Tina box 89879

August 3, 2008

For sale

Directions for sale

I've got all kinds of driving directions. Get 'em while they're hot:

[directions come on white printing paper. Black ink]

-- Your house to my house
-- My house to the Shell station
-- My house to Gary's apartment
-- My house to the liquor store
-- Gary's apartment to the Shell station
-- Liquor store to Beefy's Fast Food Hut with the hot drive-thru chick
-- Six Flags to the county jail
-- Gary's mother's house to the county jail
-- Gary's mother's house to the liquor store

Pricing structure

Right turns $.50
Left turns $.75
Highway travel $.25 per mile

Len 555-2980

August 2, 2008


Bread taster for hire

Let me taste your bread, see if it's OK.

I taste:

* wheat
* rye
* white
* marble

* Now also tasting pumpernickel *

Jimmy 555-5898

August 1, 2008

For sale


Brown. Two pockets in front; two in back

$6 or $8 w/belt
Carl 555-2001

Pitcher's Mound

- 100% dirt
- Used rosen bag included
- Same mound Dirk Tannen threw his famous "over-the-shoulder" pitch in 1992

Coach Gary 555-6092