A Novel Concept book club
March meeting
Books to discuss:
Eggless Night - Dorothy Crainpool
The idiot's guide to reaching for things - Editor: Ted Ellison
The Encyclopedia of elevator repairmen - Chocolate House Publishing
Horseradish cubes: Terry
March 7, 8:00 p.m. at Rory and Barbara's condo
February 28, 2009
February 27, 2009
Openings
Merle & Son Movie House
Grand Opening! - March 5
March movies
Slippers for Ernie
Almost Humpback
I found his dandruff
Remember the Typists
Merle & Son's - 315 Nielson Avenue, Kaynesport
Grand Opening! - March 5
March movies
Slippers for Ernie
Almost Humpback
I found his dandruff
Remember the Typists
Merle & Son's - 315 Nielson Avenue, Kaynesport
February 26, 2009
Pet personal ads
DOGS SEEKING DOGS

If I'm sniffing my butt, I just beefed, baby. Call me, we can hump my owner's leg, maybe pee on it a little.
Mookie box 77021
SWF, age 8. I'm tired of the dog park scene. Looking to meet a nice canine with really bad breath whose not afraid to admit he likes dry food.
Honey box 20238
CATS SEEKING CATS
I'm tired of scratching up this lady's new furniture all by myself. I want to settle down. Give me a call, I've got a bunch of cat nip and a bowl full of warm tap water.
Otis box 89911
SBM, age 10. I'm into extreme sports-running around with a shopping bag on my head; refrigerator diving; shadow fighting. If you're feeling adventurous, I'm your guy.
Miles box 10715
If I'm sniffing my butt, I just beefed, baby. Call me, we can hump my owner's leg, maybe pee on it a little.
Mookie box 77021
SWF, age 8. I'm tired of the dog park scene. Looking to meet a nice canine with really bad breath whose not afraid to admit he likes dry food.
Honey box 20238
CATS SEEKING CATS
I'm tired of scratching up this lady's new furniture all by myself. I want to settle down. Give me a call, I've got a bunch of cat nip and a bowl full of warm tap water.
Otis box 89911
SBM, age 10. I'm into extreme sports-running around with a shopping bag on my head; refrigerator diving; shadow fighting. If you're feeling adventurous, I'm your guy.
Miles box 10715
February 25, 2009
Home for sale
A beautiful two-bedroom home in the heart of the Grasshopper District
Comes with:
* Fireplace/TV area
* Uncle Herman
* Mashed Potato Man curtains in master bedroom
* Uncle Herman's toy soldier collection
$3,000
Bradley & Corinne 555-5441
February 24, 2009
For sale
Magazines
Caterpillar Fancy (August, 2003; November, 2003)
Lollygagger (May, 1997)
Home Made Spaceship (May, 2005; October, 2005; February, 2006)
$6 each
Bobby 555-2323
Caterpillar Fancy (August, 2003; November, 2003)
Lollygagger (May, 1997)
Home Made Spaceship (May, 2005; October, 2005; February, 2006)
$6 each
Bobby 555-2323
February 23, 2009
Services
Handyman for hire
"The quality of my truck's window tint speaks for itself"
* Step-son/step-daughter removal
* Shouting at your neighbors
* Mirror straightening
* Shampooing the elderly
New services for March, 2009:
- Following in others footsteps: wherever they go, I go
- Hug practice (ladies only)
Call now for rates and availability
Terry 555-0184
"The quality of my truck's window tint speaks for itself"
* Step-son/step-daughter removal
* Shouting at your neighbors
* Mirror straightening
* Shampooing the elderly
New services for March, 2009:
- Following in others footsteps: wherever they go, I go
- Hug practice (ladies only)
Call now for rates and availability
Terry 555-0184
February 22, 2009
Meetings
Henry's Hardware
March staff meeting
On the agenda:
* The whereabouts of assistant manager Arnold Gladsby's eyeglasses
* What not to do with the lawnmower oil
* A galvanized nipple is not what you think it is
March 1, 3:00 p.m.
March staff meeting
On the agenda:
* The whereabouts of assistant manager Arnold Gladsby's eyeglasses
* What not to do with the lawnmower oil
* A galvanized nipple is not what you think it is
March 1, 3:00 p.m.
February 21, 2009
TV listings
WDER's Saturday lineup!
REALITY TV
Moping with the stars - 9:00 p.m.
Tony and Lanette wow the crowd with a flawless Shoulder Shrug.
Who wants to bathe a millionaire? - 10:00 p.m.
Helen is the first to be voted out of the bathroom and William advances to the quarterfinals of the Arm Pit Scrub.
MOVIE NIGHT - 11:00 p.m.
Nostril Vacancy
6:10 a.m. - Finding the right tube socks
REALITY TV
Moping with the stars - 9:00 p.m.
Tony and Lanette wow the crowd with a flawless Shoulder Shrug.
Who wants to bathe a millionaire? - 10:00 p.m.
Helen is the first to be voted out of the bathroom and William advances to the quarterfinals of the Arm Pit Scrub.
MOVIE NIGHT - 11:00 p.m.
Nostril Vacancy
6:10 a.m. - Finding the right tube socks
February 20, 2009
For sale
VHS
The Eyelash Diaries
Edgar & Sandeep vacuum the living room
I tickled Miranda
$4 each
Vanessa 555-8819
Gavin
Age 11
* Backup point guard on Kaynesport 5th grade all-star basketball team (1.3 PPG; 4 ejections)
$175 or best offer
Daniel and Harriet
The Eyelash Diaries
Edgar & Sandeep vacuum the living room
I tickled Miranda
$4 each
Vanessa 555-8819
Gavin
Age 11
* Backup point guard on Kaynesport 5th grade all-star basketball team (1.3 PPG; 4 ejections)
$175 or best offer
Daniel and Harriet
February 19, 2009
Meetings
The Science Club - Midwest Chapter
February meeting
Items to discuss:
* Taking responsibility: the dissapearance of Professor Peabody's lucky clipboard
* What happened to all of the bunsen burners?
* Why we need our eyebrows
Celery shavings/plastic cups: Thomas
February 3, 7:00 p.m. - McMaster Auditorium
February meeting
Items to discuss:
* Taking responsibility: the dissapearance of Professor Peabody's lucky clipboard
* What happened to all of the bunsen burners?
* Why we need our eyebrows
Celery shavings/plastic cups: Thomas
February 3, 7:00 p.m. - McMaster Auditorium
February 18, 2009
For sale
Bedroom closet sale
T-shirts - $5 each
Save the Cantaloupe (blue)
Plumptin City Little League All-Stars (Rodney #7, XS)
Rory Sharp and the Marshmallows, 1988 North American Tour (red)
Other clothing items
White jean shorts - $10 each or all three for $20
Poo Pieces tie (rare) - $10
Misc. items
Shoebox of mystery - $4
Ervin 555-4411
T-shirts - $5 each
Save the Cantaloupe (blue)
Plumptin City Little League All-Stars (Rodney #7, XS)
Rory Sharp and the Marshmallows, 1988 North American Tour (red)
Other clothing items
White jean shorts - $10 each or all three for $20
Poo Pieces tie (rare) - $10
Misc. items
Shoebox of mystery - $4
Ervin 555-4411
February 17, 2009
Meetings
Shueburg Youth Basketball Referees Association
Pre-playoffs meeting

On the agenda:
- Your whistle is not a weapon
- No cowboy boots on the court
- Why you only need to call traveling violations while on the court during games
February 27, 7:00 p.m. at Fenwick's Steakhouse, 17 Nettles Street
Pre-playoffs meeting
On the agenda:
- Your whistle is not a weapon
- No cowboy boots on the court
- Why you only need to call traveling violations while on the court during games
February 27, 7:00 p.m. at Fenwick's Steakhouse, 17 Nettles Street
February 16, 2009
Openings
The Woodner Valley Recycling Center is having its grand opening
February 22

We recycle:
* Sideburns
* Cabbage
* Stepfathers
* Blast! Cola aluminum cans
* Treasure maps
* Extra skin
* Astronomers
* Softball fields
and more!
Woodner Valley Recycling Center - 1000 Arlington Way, Jasper City
February 22
We recycle:
* Sideburns
* Cabbage
* Stepfathers
* Blast! Cola aluminum cans
* Treasure maps
* Extra skin
* Astronomers
* Softball fields
and more!
Woodner Valley Recycling Center - 1000 Arlington Way, Jasper City
February 15, 2009
For sale
Wood chips

$3 per handful
* Look for specially-marked grapefruits
Steve 555-8818
Magazines
Door Knob (April, 2007; October, 2007)
Pushing & Shoving (January, 2008)
$6 each
Harriet 555-1113

$3 per handful
* Look for specially-marked grapefruits
Steve 555-8818
Magazines
Door Knob (April, 2007; October, 2007)
Pushing & Shoving (January, 2008)
$6 each
Harriet 555-1113
February 14, 2009
Closings
Come help us say goodbye to Heine Walsh Field
February 21

Some of The Walsh's most historic moments -
* Eight Kaynesport Flag Football Association city championship games, including the famous Cauliflower Massacre in 2003
* The chasing of Ernie Flanagan (Stage 5)
* Save the Worms benefit
* Officer Nick's "Pinching Doesn't Pay" lectures
* Used in the filming of the 1991 documentary Following Closely to Pigeons
* 2007 Lawnmower Olympics
Join us for the closing ceremonies, starting at 7:30 p.m.
333 Fenwick Street, Kaynesport
February 21
Some of The Walsh's most historic moments -
* Eight Kaynesport Flag Football Association city championship games, including the famous Cauliflower Massacre in 2003
* The chasing of Ernie Flanagan (Stage 5)
* Save the Worms benefit
* Officer Nick's "Pinching Doesn't Pay" lectures
* Used in the filming of the 1991 documentary Following Closely to Pigeons
* 2007 Lawnmower Olympics
Join us for the closing ceremonies, starting at 7:30 p.m.
333 Fenwick Street, Kaynesport
February 13, 2009
For sale
Couch

* Seats five
* Unopened Ecto Cooler juice box under right cushion (rare)
* Used in the filming of the 1998 movie I Scratched Diane
$70
Hurry, many interested
Nina and Robert 555-0014
* Seats five
* Unopened Ecto Cooler juice box under right cushion (rare)
* Used in the filming of the 1998 movie I Scratched Diane
$70
Hurry, many interested
Nina and Robert 555-0014
February 12, 2009
New Product
Rory Light
"The eyebrow chewer's light beer"

* Raccoon-tested
Pick up Rory & Rory Light at participating stores
"The eyebrow chewer's light beer"

* Raccoon-tested
Pick up Rory & Rory Light at participating stores
February 11, 2009
Meetings
The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
February meeting
Topics to discuss:
* Andrea's new ears
* It's not too late to sign up for the 3rd annual Fleming Fest (March 10-12)
* Who is bringing the salad dressing to Andrea's grandfather Merle's 70th birthday party?
Macaroni necklaces: Tory
February 15, 7:00 p.m.
February meeting
Topics to discuss:
* Andrea's new ears
* It's not too late to sign up for the 3rd annual Fleming Fest (March 10-12)
* Who is bringing the salad dressing to Andrea's grandfather Merle's 70th birthday party?
Macaroni necklaces: Tory
February 15, 7:00 p.m.
February 10, 2009
Police Report

Benjamin Vanderjagt
Age: 25
Pants: no
February 9 - Mr. Vanderjagt was arrested for failure to leave a dolphin tank in a timely manner. The accused said he couldn't leave the tank because "the fatter dolphin, Andy, owes me $20."
Previous arrests
October, 2007: Taken into custody for improper use of a dog leash after attempting to take his neighbor, Greg Danielson, for a walk.
April, 2005: Arrested for impersonating a 1998 Toyota Camry. Mr. Vanderjagt became hysterical when a female passenger refused to use his seat warmers.
VANDERJAGT, BENJAMIN
BAIL: $75
February 9, 2009
Meetings
Golden Jaurez Mexican Restaurant
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Remembering Quesadilla Man (1944-2009)
* Rat droppings in the tortilla soup: why Thursday's Happy Hour wasn't very happy
* Please do not accept gift cards from other restaurants
* Why you need to wear a belt and pants, not just a belt
February 10, 4:30 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Remembering Quesadilla Man (1944-2009)
* Rat droppings in the tortilla soup: why Thursday's Happy Hour wasn't very happy
* Please do not accept gift cards from other restaurants
* Why you need to wear a belt and pants, not just a belt
February 10, 4:30 p.m.
February 8, 2009
For sale
Flanagan Groceries Store #410
Winter clearance event
Seedless watermelon - $5 each
Watermelon seeds - 15 for $1
Produce managers
Tom - $65
Rodney (assistant) - $40
February, 2009 magazines
Thirty Four
Hand Soap
Pointing & Laughing
Employee of the Month plaques - $10 each
Adrian Perkins (May, 2003)
Sandra Loney - w/gravy stain (September, 2008)
**Sale runs through February 28**
Winter clearance event
Seedless watermelon - $5 each
Watermelon seeds - 15 for $1
Produce managers
Tom - $65
Rodney (assistant) - $40
February, 2009 magazines
Thirty Four
Hand Soap
Pointing & Laughing
Employee of the Month plaques - $10 each
Adrian Perkins (May, 2003)
Sandra Loney - w/gravy stain (September, 2008)
**Sale runs through February 28**
February 7, 2009
Services
Tammy Pederson
Psychiatrist for hire
* Fear of omelets
* Excessive matriculation
* H.W.W.T. (Habitual Windshield Wiper Theft)
* Voices inside your microwave
* Sea weed taunting
* Spicy Mustard Syndrome
* Chronic lawn wetting
Call 555-3317 for hourly rates
Psychiatrist for hire
* Fear of omelets
* Excessive matriculation
* H.W.W.T. (Habitual Windshield Wiper Theft)
* Voices inside your microwave
* Sea weed taunting
* Spicy Mustard Syndrome
* Chronic lawn wetting
Call 555-3317 for hourly rates
February 6, 2009
TV listings
WDER's Weekend Lineup!
Friday
REALITY TV
Watch me eat soup - 9:00 p.m.
Benita is caught trying to sneak clam chowder out of a restaurant in her pocket. Plus: Henry is disqualified from the Chicken Noodle Challenge when its revealed he used a plastic spoon to win his second-round match.
How much change is in my couch? - ALL STARS - 10:00 p.m.
The top contestants from the first three seasons return for an all-star challenge, set inside a Gorilla Ben's Furniture Store.
LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.
How Rory Got His Shoes Back
5:55 a.m. - Long division with Marty
Saturday
MSAA ACTION!
Goober City at Durden Plastics Inc. - 5:00 p.m.
The Eggbeaters return to Rory Blaine Stadium, site of last season's refried bean riots during the MSAA Playoffs. Durden Plastics Inc. will be without injured slugger Ivan Kleggo (missing elbow).
REALITY TV
Are you smellier than a 3rd grader? - 8:00 p.m.
Mr. Carlson and Tommy go head-to-head in the deodorant pits and the green team has a setback when Mrs. Vandebilt is forced to spend a day in the Timeout Shower.
Fast Food Restaurant - 9:30 p.m.
Brandon is fired after cleaning his sneakers in the milk shake machine. Plus: Shelley overdoses on polynesian sauce and has to be rushed to the hospital.
LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.
Comb-Over Camp II
6:10 a.m. - Walking conditions in your area
Friday
REALITY TV
Watch me eat soup - 9:00 p.m.
Benita is caught trying to sneak clam chowder out of a restaurant in her pocket. Plus: Henry is disqualified from the Chicken Noodle Challenge when its revealed he used a plastic spoon to win his second-round match.
How much change is in my couch? - ALL STARS - 10:00 p.m.
The top contestants from the first three seasons return for an all-star challenge, set inside a Gorilla Ben's Furniture Store.
LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.
How Rory Got His Shoes Back
5:55 a.m. - Long division with Marty
Saturday
MSAA ACTION!
Goober City at Durden Plastics Inc. - 5:00 p.m.
The Eggbeaters return to Rory Blaine Stadium, site of last season's refried bean riots during the MSAA Playoffs. Durden Plastics Inc. will be without injured slugger Ivan Kleggo (missing elbow).
REALITY TV
Are you smellier than a 3rd grader? - 8:00 p.m.
Mr. Carlson and Tommy go head-to-head in the deodorant pits and the green team has a setback when Mrs. Vandebilt is forced to spend a day in the Timeout Shower.
Fast Food Restaurant - 9:30 p.m.
Brandon is fired after cleaning his sneakers in the milk shake machine. Plus: Shelley overdoses on polynesian sauce and has to be rushed to the hospital.
LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.
Comb-Over Camp II
6:10 a.m. - Walking conditions in your area
For sale
Magazines
Paper Towel Enthusiast (August, 2003; January, 2004)
Mincing Around (March, 2006)
Envelope (December, 1990; February, 1991; May, 1991)
$7 each
Paul 555-8102
Paper Towel Enthusiast (August, 2003; January, 2004)
Mincing Around (March, 2006)
Envelope (December, 1990; February, 1991; May, 1991)
$7 each
Paul 555-8102
February 5, 2009
For sale
Train

* 1983 Pepano S-9Z model
* Previous owners include Fred Savage impersonator, Ernie Paulsen
* Mashed potato car added December, 2008
* Used in the filming of the classic holiday movie Ya'll can keep 'em (my two front teeth)
$14,500 or best offer
Bert 555-7819

* 1983 Pepano S-9Z model
* Previous owners include Fred Savage impersonator, Ernie Paulsen
* Mashed potato car added December, 2008
* Used in the filming of the classic holiday movie Ya'll can keep 'em (my two front teeth)
$14,500 or best offer
Bert 555-7819
February 4, 2009
Meetings
The Traffic Watchers
Winter meeting
On the agenda:
* Who lost their sunglasses in between the couch cushions?
* The Billboard Watchers: who do these guys think they are?
* Hubcaps For Charity: how you can help
Banana bread squares: Diane
February 11, 8:00 p.m. at Tettleburo Community Center
Winter meeting
On the agenda:
* Who lost their sunglasses in between the couch cushions?
* The Billboard Watchers: who do these guys think they are?
* Hubcaps For Charity: how you can help
Banana bread squares: Diane
February 11, 8:00 p.m. at Tettleburo Community Center
For sale
VHS
Prelude to an Apple Picking
Cole Milner's Daughter
Edgar and Sandeep are out of green olives
$4 each
Glenda 555-4545
Prelude to an Apple Picking
Cole Milner's Daughter
Edgar and Sandeep are out of green olives
$4 each
Glenda 555-4545
February 3, 2009
Thoughts for sale
Great winter deals on some of my oldest thoughts--
* What's so great about romaine lettuce, anyway?
* Whose ankle socks are these?
* Mark Paul-Gosselaar
* No one knows more Toronto Raptors trivia than I do
*
* I don't understand water chestnuts
* I'm sitting front row at a Van Halen concert in 1981. I yell to Eddie Van Halen "you should've played an A minor." He says, "you're right." We become best friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment.
$6 each
Devin 555-0115
* What's so great about romaine lettuce, anyway?
* Whose ankle socks are these?
* Mark Paul-Gosselaar
* No one knows more Toronto Raptors trivia than I do
*
* I don't understand water chestnuts
* I'm sitting front row at a Van Halen concert in 1981. I yell to Eddie Van Halen "you should've played an A minor." He says, "you're right." We become best friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment.
$6 each
Devin 555-0115
TV listings
WMOR TV's Tuesday lineup
REALITY TV
Frank Island - 8:00 p.m.
Frank Banneker is voted off the island when his real name is revealed as Andrew, and the orange team Franks put on a production of West Side Story. Special guest star: Frank Wilson.
Get my momma to church! - 9:00 p.m.
Barbara threatens to convert after not selling a single brownie at the bake sale. Plus: Nadine is caught putting Canadian quarters in the collection plate.
When refrigerators attack - 10:00 p.m.
Kevin's leg gets caught in the vegetable crisper and a can of flat Diet Coke turns on Melanie.
MOVIE OF THE WEEK - 11:00 p.m.
The Coleslaw Diaries
5:45 a.m. - Multiplication tables with Tavaris
REALITY TV
Frank Island - 8:00 p.m.
Frank Banneker is voted off the island when his real name is revealed as Andrew, and the orange team Franks put on a production of West Side Story. Special guest star: Frank Wilson.
Get my momma to church! - 9:00 p.m.
Barbara threatens to convert after not selling a single brownie at the bake sale. Plus: Nadine is caught putting Canadian quarters in the collection plate.
When refrigerators attack - 10:00 p.m.
Kevin's leg gets caught in the vegetable crisper and a can of flat Diet Coke turns on Melanie.
MOVIE OF THE WEEK - 11:00 p.m.
The Coleslaw Diaries
5:45 a.m. - Multiplication tables with Tavaris
February 2, 2009
For sale
Novelty band aids
Left in stock:
- Flying Anchovies
- Clara Banana: Kid Librarian
- Satisfactory Man
- "Ouch, that hurts!"
- Satisfactory Man and the Nostril Avenger
50 pack - $14.95
100 pack - $19.95
Terese 555-7161
Left in stock:
- Flying Anchovies
- Clara Banana: Kid Librarian
- Satisfactory Man
- "Ouch, that hurts!"
- Satisfactory Man and the Nostril Avenger
50 pack - $14.95
100 pack - $19.95
Terese 555-7161
Obituaries
Helen Pendergast
1894-2009
Helen died doing what she loved: chasing children off of her lawn with a rolled up newspaper. Married her dental school sweetheart, Olin, and the couple had two children whom they refused to name. Got into politics during the 1970s but got out quickly, claiming it was "too political". Funeral services will be Thursday at 6:00 p.m., then its off to Sudds for Karaoke Night.
Ned Miranda
1889-2009
Beloved gardener and one of the founding members of the musical group Johnny and the Cold Cuts died of an apparent dish towel overdose. Miranda, best known for his public protests to ban same-sex furniture shopping, is survived by his pet goldfish, Freddie.
1894-2009
Helen died doing what she loved: chasing children off of her lawn with a rolled up newspaper. Married her dental school sweetheart, Olin, and the couple had two children whom they refused to name. Got into politics during the 1970s but got out quickly, claiming it was "too political". Funeral services will be Thursday at 6:00 p.m., then its off to Sudds for Karaoke Night.
Ned Miranda
1889-2009
Beloved gardener and one of the founding members of the musical group Johnny and the Cold Cuts died of an apparent dish towel overdose. Miranda, best known for his public protests to ban same-sex furniture shopping, is survived by his pet goldfish, Freddie.
February 1, 2009
Announcements
Rico and Maryanne's 1st annual Super Bowl Bash
* Pre-game bathroom painting competition (Come early, grab a brush!)
* Vegetarian chili dunk tank
* Halftime musical performance by The Sweaty Girls
* Plenty of great food, including Maryanne's famous Dorito Caserole and Stuffed Chicken Wings (w/wing sauce)
* 2 1/2 kegs of Nuckles Beer
Special Super Sunday deals
- Toilet paper: $1/ply
- Toe nail clippers rental price: $3/hour
B.Y.O.P (Bring your own penguin)
TONIGHT at Rico & Maryanne's - 3205 Abner Avenue, Kaynesport

Call 555-6100 to RSVP
* Pre-game bathroom painting competition (Come early, grab a brush!)
* Vegetarian chili dunk tank
* Halftime musical performance by The Sweaty Girls
* Plenty of great food, including Maryanne's famous Dorito Caserole and Stuffed Chicken Wings (w/wing sauce)
* 2 1/2 kegs of Nuckles Beer
Special Super Sunday deals
- Toilet paper: $1/ply
- Toe nail clippers rental price: $3/hour
B.Y.O.P (Bring your own penguin)
TONIGHT at Rico & Maryanne's - 3205 Abner Avenue, Kaynesport

Call 555-6100 to RSVP
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