March 31, 2010

For sale

Rare autographed bandaids

A - Qwontavius Bradley
* Used. Includes blood from Bradley's elbow cut (May, 2006)

B - Mutt Celery
* Signed during the Napkin Restoration Society (NRS) 2003 annual conference

$75 each or both for $130
Trevor 555-2381

March 30, 2010


Jung, Clynewick & Qwince Law Offices

"Putting the 'fices' back in 'law offices' since 1997"

* Nail clip-and-run
* Wrongful sneaker massaging
* Rachel profiling
* Possession of geologists with intent to distribute
* Paper clip custody
* Avocado neglect

Call 555-2331 for a free consultation

Bird for hire


Special skills:

* Award-winning cloaca (2004 & 2006 Feathers)
* Can eat 30 WPM (worms per minute)
* Starred in the 2005 reality television show Sparrow House

Rental price: $17/hour
Herman 555-4661

March 29, 2010

Home for rent

1/16 BR

- Brick with white scrapings
- Used in the filming of the 2009 movie Cross-Eyed Camp 4
- Sinks sold separately

* Priced to collapse *

Troy & Linda 555-4519

March 28, 2010

TV listings

WDER's new Sunday lineup!


Help! My Kangaroo's Stupid! - 8:00 p.m.
Eddie keeps walking into the same oak tree, Sarah can't spell "marsupial" and Coco thinks she's a frog.

Kerwin Needs a Hug - 9:00 p.m.
Jennifer won't give Kerwin a hug. Plus: out on the dance floor, Pash'in gives everything but a hug.

The Real Asparagus of Ocheana County - 9:30 p.m.
A late-night boil catches the asparagus by surprise.

MOVIE NIGHT - 10:30 p.m.

I, Refrigerator

5:20 a.m. - Pinching with a Purpose

New Products

Andujar mugs™

$5 each

March 27, 2010


Need things pointed at?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

Squirrel for sale

Age: 7

Marital status: Divorced, Martha (woodchuck)
Claim to fame: Has won 11 pine cone seed eating contests, including in August, 2009 when his finals opponent and longtime rival, Ernie was disqualified for using performance-enhancing crickets
Moment of shame: One of the original actors in the ill-fated Bjorn's Acorn Porn series (November, 2005 - January, 2006)

$35 or best offer
Randy 555-8871

March 26, 2010

Directions for sale

Great deals on some of the spring's hottest directions.

- Your house to my apartment
- My apartment to Knee Cap's house
- Kyle's grandmother's house to Buckey's Bar
- Knee Cap's house to the Paysley Street Lotto Hut
- My apartment to Vanessa's condo
- Vanessa's condo to the county jail
- Henry's van to anywhere (*best value*)
- Kyle's grandmother's house to the county jail
- Finding your way out of the washing machine

* All available on white, lined paper *

$6 each
Darnell 555-1720

For sale


Badminton Cards Monthly (September, 1999)
Wheat Bread Helmet Maker (June, 1988)
Good Puddlekeeping (August, 1996; December, 1996)
Raccoons Life (May, 2001; July, 2001)

$2 each
Joan 555-6652

March 25, 2010

For sale


* Brown
* Several other acorns available by request
* Interesting trades for mud considered

Eric 555-2911

For sale

March 24, 2010


Having trouble finishing a pancake or other breakfast food?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale


* Blueish-rustyellow
* Excellent condition
* Once sat in by Herman Parsons during his Save the Umbrellas, Stop the Rain tour (May, 1991)

Dave 555-1219

New Bobby T-Shirts

S, M, L, XL, QU, QQU

$5 to order

March 23, 2010


The Dylan County 40+ adult baseball team has been selected!

Players who made the final cut list:

* returning player

1. Schlofko Griffin
2. Quinten Corley
3. Nomo Koo
4. Salami Henderson*
5. Bernie Fogler
6. Ducky Harelson*
7. Vondae Ocean
8. P.J. Leech*
9. Crawfish Baker*
10. Nimbo Koo
11. Ernie Fonsteen
12. Squeaks Winfield*
13. Odell Xavier*

** Please report to practice, April 3, 1:00 p.m. at the old field **

For sale

Age: 36

* Has award-winning fake cough
* Played "Miklos" in the hit television sitcom Czechs in the City

$140 or best offer
Barbara 555-4618

March 22, 2010


Visit Delwood Pond

* Uncover the mysteries of the missing tube socks of Lester Nelson
* Participate in our brand-new Adopt-a-Pebble program
* View a taping of the hit reality television show Watch Me Eat Mud

Also available:

- Weekly celery baptismals with pastor/produce manager, Father Kellog

Call 555-3771 for hours and group discounts

House for sale

Half-bedroom, two-sink tearer-downer in the heart of the pine cone district

* Wood windows
* Hornet nests sold separately
* Used in the filming of the 1992 television documentary Brushing Mitch Paddock's Teeth

Open house/armadillo sale: April 3, 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
3528 Alderson Circle, Kaynesport

March 21, 2010

Personal ads


Single, black dog; brand-new fleas.

Bosco box 79202

SWD, fixed. I'll slobber on you, get slobbered on, whatever you want baby.

Chauncey box 44266


I've been in the same shoe box with the same frog for three weeks and I just don't have the same feelings for her I used to. We're just two different amphibians. Looking for a new lady who loves flies and hopping on and scaring the elderly.

Edgar box 90011


Single, white candle. Melting.

Elijah box 40042

For sale


* Tan
* Lightly salted
* Manufactured in a facility that produces plastic hippos

Lon 555-6404

March 20, 2010


Lenny burial set for March 22 at 2:00 p.m.

* Horseflies will be served *

March 19, 2010

For sale

Vintage camera

* Can take up to four pictures per day
* Used for the Beatrice Simmons exposed wrist portraits (January, 1943)

Candice 555-3111

For sale

Used protest signs

"Get out from under my sink!"
"We're out of Posterboard!"
"Save the Tangerines: Help us keep the peels on"
"Irving High: give us back our science teacher!"
"Guns don't kill people, drinking shampoo kills people"

$5 each
Martin 555-6719

New products

Introducing Derwood Canal Bottling Co. teas

Dozens of delicious flavors, including:

* Pepperlint
* Dandelion Harvest
* Earl Feet
* Celery Surprise
* Organic Sand
* Grandpa Ken's Breath
* Lemon Bewilderment
* Herbal Dandruff

Call for pricing list 555-5481

March 18, 2010

For sale


I Found my Belly Button in his Fridge
Sauerkraut III
Along Came Pollen
As Good As Arm Pits Get

$2 each
Mick 555-4466

Letter from the editor

The following reader entries in our "Re-name the Bobby" contest have been eliminated: Ronald Kubel's Classifieds, Poopy Pages, Henry R. Kubel's Classifieds and The Boby Classifieds. We'll be cutting down to our final eight this weekend and thank you to those who have entered and/or mailed us raccoon hair for our parade, April 2.

- Derwood Morris

March 17, 2010

Bathroom items for sale

Shaving cream

- .3 OZ

Piece of bar soap

- One arm pit hair free with purchase


- Mint
- Perfect for blinding someone in a sink battle

$25 for everything
Max 555-2210

For sale


- Comes with Robert fingers (3 1/2)
- Swimming pool-safe

Conrad  555-9119


* Single women searching for men who own more than one wheelbarrow

- Owning your own shoes also a plus
- Garrets & Carltons need not apply

Call 555-2661

March 16, 2010


Corcoran Valley Press
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The soda machine does not take homemade coins
* No pants, no shirt, no paycheck
* We can not print goldfish wedding announcements

March 19, 2:30 p.m.

March 15, 2010


Advice man for hire

* Don't pour motor oil on your salad
* Wearing a rain coat into the ocean
* I wouldn't suggest giving yourself a back tattoo
* Don't trust anyone with the same name as a disinfectant
* "I swallowed several pencil sharpeners: what do I do now?"
* I don't like my boss' wristwatch

Call for rates and availability
Eric  555-6629

Get the Latest Bobby T-Shirts

S, M, L, XL, L-M, XSM

$8 each

March 14, 2010

TV Listings

WDER's new Sunday night lineup!


Celebrity Congestion Club - 9:00 p.m.
Supermodel Fassandria is all stuffed up, and country music stars Lyle Murphy and Toby Ralph have a cough drop fight and have to spend a night in the tissue box.

Ernie & Pam Plus Stan - 10:00 p.m.
Stan offers free baths to the neighborhood rodents, running up Ernie and Pam's water bill. Plus: Stan's grandfather, Mel comes to visit and makes a mess in the couch.


Look Who's Melting - 10:30 p.m.
Glued Fellas - 12:00 a.m.

6:15 a.m. - Colors of the Ear Wax Rainbow with Dr. Carlson


Visit Exit 97 in Plumptin County!

March 13, 2010

Bird family for sale

The Tomlinsons

$11 for all five or $3 each
Valerie 555-3341


The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
March meeting

Items to discuss:

* The Folks in Amanda Wembley's Shower: who do these guys think they are?
* Who's turtle sitting for Andrea, March 21?
* Our April 7 field trip to the front porch has been canceled

March 15, 7:00 p.m.

For sale

Lucky squirrel tails

* Over 10,000 in stock
* Now available in gray
* Great for:

- Prop sideburns
- Squirrel tail fights

$5 each
Kim & Bruce  555-9987

New Bobby Hats Available

One size fits all Murrays - $7 each
email to order

March 12, 2010

For lease

The world-famous McElswick building in the heart of the manure district is available for lease.

Previous inhabitants:

- M.A.M.P. (Mothers Against Mosquito Profiling) headquarters

- It's Time to Find Ronald a Girlfriend fundraiser (January 5-24, 2001)
- Jock Itch sports bar and grill (February, 2000-July, 2003)

September-November, 2003
- Morris/Booger campaign headquarters

- Church of N'Qweeshawn

N'Qweeshawn & Son Reality 555-4697

Thoughts and dreams for sale

I've been hanging on to these for a long time.

Make me an offer -

* Bologna ear muffs
* What is that blue thing on my leg?
* Singing brussel sprouts on ice
* I'm duct taped to the bathroom mirror wearing nothing but an armadillo mask
* The lipstick-wearing gorilla in the bath tub dream
* Right wing for the Swedish national hockey team
* That's the last time I eat an entire box of staples to impress a woman
* Head trainer for the Swedish national hockey team

Toby 555-1010

March 11, 2010

For sale


Sammy McCullough bandaid - $100

Vince "Onions" Leonard gum wrapper - $75

Hurry, several interested
Miles 555-5449

March 10, 2010


Uncle Patty's Fast Food - Store #63
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not take secret sauce donations from customers
* The ketchup pool in the break room: dos and don'ts
* Please stop accepting paper clips as currency

March 12, 3:30 p.m.

March 9, 2010

For sale

Used video games

Garlic Girl
Paper Football: National Championship
Fruit Stand Robber 2010
Rodney the Orthodontist Slayer
Garlic Girl vs. Canada

$6 each
Greg 555-0081

Police report

Durell Jenkins
Age: 38
Pants: no
Sandwich in pocket: Eyelash with honey mustard on whole wheat

March 8: Found in possession of more than 1,000 walnuts with intent to de-shell.

Previous arrests

January 11, 2005: Arrested for impersonating a wet-dry vac. Mr. Jenkins was taken into police custody after attempting to drink cocktail sauce off a woman's sweater.

October 1, 2000: Felony strain-and-run, leaving the scene of an uncooked noodle.

April 28, 1997: Attempted Penguin 1

Bail: $14.50

March 8, 2010

House for rent

0 BR

* Front door coming May, 2010
* Used in the filming of the 1998 movie Field of Spleens

$80 per month
Harry 555-6896

March 7, 2010

Furniture for sale

Brand-new recliner and couch

* Minor raccoon damage
* Hose and spray paint can sold seperately

$6 each or $10 for both
Jada 555-7713

For sale

More domain names for sale

$8 each
Bernard  555-1301

March 6, 2010


Ozrahelda Spa
Grand opening!

Dozens of services, including:

* Mayonnaise peel facial
* Earlobe massage
* Gravy bath (chunky or smooth)
* Miniature club/ball miniature golf

Dance lessons

- The Knuckle Scratch
- Raccoon Shuffle
- The Wendell Quindale

Ozrahelda Spa - 1255 Rainbow Drive, Kaynesport
Call for pricing list 555-3316

March 5, 2010

Child for sale

Age: 7

- Received an 82 on recent spelling test
- Member of bicycle gang, The Popsicles
- Nose picks at a 3rd grade level

- Terrible soccer player
- Recently misspelled the word "cup"

Favorite food: Onions and whip cream
Imaginary friend: Carlos
Sleeps: Three hours each night in the fireplace

$200 or best offer
Reggie & Diane 555-6823

March 4, 2010

For sale


* Seven available (six new, one slightly used)
* Interesting trades for paper towels considered

$1 each or all seven for $6
Pete  555-3427

For sale


Pigeon's Health (April, 1989)
Avocado Sports For Kids (January, 1997)
Bandaid Collector (October, 2002; January, 2003; May, 2003)
Modern Earthworm (June, 2005; September, 2005; January, 2006)

$3 each
Bridgette 555-5383

March 3, 2010


Squirtenhimers Restaurant
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

- Please stop accepting goldfish as currency
- Why we had to remove our nacho cheese dunk tank from the men's restroom
- We do not have a "stolen plate special"
- Next week's salad dressing hose competition, Servers vs. Customers, has been canceled

March 6, 1:00 p.m.

For sale

Autographed eggs

A - Quinn Roddingly
B - Hemmit Feathers (rare)
C - Nunk Brazelbee

$1,000 for all three
Shane 555-2218

March 2, 2010

For rent

Used protest signs

"Rodney, I Want My Ear Muffs Back!"
"Support Local Rain: Help us Keep the Umbrellas Closed"
"Get out of My Bath Tub!"

Any sign - $8.50 per hour
Richard 555-1116


2310 Feathers Crossing, downtown Kaynesport

For sale

Vintage "No Trespassing" signs (2)

* Square
* Used to spearhead the Go Away, Mrs. Carlson movement (May-July, 1999)
* House free with purchase

$40 each or $75 for the pair
Garret 555-4182

March 1, 2010


Now THAT'S art, or is it?, in conjuction with The Bobby Classifieds, presents the first annual Art Contest and Arm Pit Identification Spectacular! You decide which work of art is the best and this is the last month of voting.

Finalists will be announced at ACAPIS, April 1, 2010.

March entries:

Len Kipley, Old Kaynesport

"Plane Flying over the City of Eggs"
Tommy Benton (age 6), Plumptin County

* Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll

February's winner: "Portrait"

For sale

Socks (2)

- Six total holes

$7 each or $12 for the pair
Tim 555-7755


Quane, Dreekus & Popeland Law Offices

"We work near the law, not against you"

* Resisting relish
* D.U.I. (Derwood under the influence)
* Comb-and-run
* Reindeer impersonation
* Orthodontist possession with intent to distribute
* Alphabetizing in public
* Fleeing the scene of an omelet

Call for availability 555-9971