May 31, 2009


Huddleston Valley Sharks summer basketball
Emergency team meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please leave all reptiles at home
* The following players are no longer allowed to dribble: Tony, D'Ondrae, Alexander

June 3, 7:00 p.m. at coach Ernie's condo

May 30, 2009

For sale

Used vinyl records

I think we may have lost a Hubcap - Forehead
Elevator Smells - The Cuckleys
I Shaved my Unibrow for this? - Kurt Sherman

$10 each
Olin 555-7767

May 29, 2009


Dog Walker's Society - East Regional Chapter
June meeting

On the agenda:

* Why putting pants and suspenders on the dogs is no longer funny
* The Hamster Walker's Society: who do these guys think they are?
* Poo Seminars, Part 2 of 3

- Gray is not OK
- What to do if you smell it and hear it, but don't see it
- Don't use your bare hand

June 2, 6:30 p.m. at the Bleezer Street office

May 28, 2009


Clinger and Momar's Restaurant
Grand Opening!

"Come for the food, stay to pay your bill...then go home."

Summer specials

* Never-ending Noodle Buckets - $9.99
* Celery mush (limited time)
Cup: $3.99
Bowl: $6.99
* Momar's Meatloaf - $30 all you can eat in "The Trough"
* Beer Hose Saturdays

Every Tuesday in June - Trivia Time (hosted by former Kaynesport Pistols QB Orestes Paddock)

June 2: Tree Fort Presidents
June 9: The 20th Century Doofus
June 16: Fruit I Have Eaten
June 23: Guys Named Trent
June 30: Famous Sneezer/Shirtwipers

Clinger & Momar's - 560 Goob Street, East Plumptin

May 27, 2009

TV listings

WDER's new Wednesday lineup!


The Real Bus Drivers of the Wupple County School District - 7:30 p.m.
Sam is exposed as a fraud when his award-winning beard is revealed to be fake. Plus: Irene runs over Billy's Chubby Boy lunch box.

Make me a bologna sandwich! - 8:30 p.m.
The judges deduct points when Patty makes a smiley face with her mustard.

Who Won't Drown?! - ALL STARS - 9:30 p.m.
Arthur almost drowns. Plus: Samantha has to spend time in the shallow end.

WDER Movie Night - 10:30 p.m.

There's Something About Murray

6:05 a.m. - Toe touches with Paul

May 26, 2009


Meet playground legend Lawrence "Poo" Morris

Poo will be autographing-

* Basketballs
* Wheelbarrows
* Grandperson's heads/stomachs
* Copies of his autobiography, Will I Ever Finish a Salad?

June 6 from 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. at Ernie's Pizza (Kaynesport Ave. location)


Mr. Do-it-all
For hire

Summer specials:

* Picking things out of/placing things inside armpits
* Doorbell massaging
* Cereal box hats: finding the right eye holes
* F.A.T.C (Fathers Against Teenage Crawling) spokesman

Call for prices and availability
Mr. Do-it-all (Frank) 555-9971

May 25, 2009

For sale


Gertrude (October, 1978; January, 1979; February, 1979)
Produce Manager (May, 2004)
Near the Bathtub (April, 2005)

$5 each
Ken 555-4308

May 24, 2009

Letter from the editor

- Derwood Morris

May 23, 2009


Murphy Renegades AAU basketball
Team meeting

On the agenda:

* Why only during practice can we use more than one ball at a time
* The disappearance of coach Conroy
* Please stop bringing sandwiches onto the court

May 26, 4:00 p.m. at the field house

May 22, 2009


Personal shopper for hire

* Which fake mustache is right for me?
* Window shopping for windows
* Finding the perfect bread crumb
* Do I have time to shop for a wrist watch?
* Where to find chubby men for cheap
* Shopalcoholics Anonymous: beer before wicker never sicker

Call for hourly rates
Kathy 555-3228

May 21, 2009

For sale

Apartment-wide sale

Captain Armpits accessories

Cape - $11
Mask (missing raspberry nose) - $6
Deodorant utility belt - $45


Pookie Johnson-Live at the Oakpointe Laundry Room
I'm Keeping My Face
Prince of Tires

$4 each

Kirk 555-0104

May 20, 2009


Capolo Fest is coming back to the Kaynesport Fairgrounds!

Musical acts

(Still) Counting Lice
The Murray Pink Orchestra
Still Pinching Kevin (Liverpool, England)

Arts & Crafts for the whole family!

* Eddie's Toe Nails of Ancient Egypt and Suburban Larson County
* Linguine Necklaces by Angela

And much more

- 3rd annual Toddler Toss (Sunday, 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.)
- Ride Grandpa Murray Around the Soccer Field for a Little While (All day Saturday)

June 19-21 at Kaynesport (NE) Fairgrounds
For tickets call 555-6650

May 19, 2009

Birthday celebration

The Bobby turns one-years old on June 1st!

"It's a celebration that's guaranteed to put an extra eyebrow on your face."


For sale

I hit it off Jimmy Leckburg. He's always telling me I smell and at recess the other day he poured sand on my head.

Cliff  555-8768 (my mom's phone)

May 18, 2009


Single American Men
Seek potato chips and an ankle to cry on.

* Just flown in *

Lumpiness OK.

May 17, 2009


The Friends of Mack Marshall
June meeting

On the agenda:

* Mack's 1992 junior varsity basketball statistics: what got salvaged in the mustard spills
* Mack's cursive 'M': Q&A
* Why does Mack put trail mix in his pasta?

June 1, 7:00 p.m. at Wendell's house

May 16, 2009

Now hiring

Wayne Tolleson Airport is hiring staff in several departments

Pick the job that's right for you:

* "Sir/ma'am, there's toilet paper on your shoe" duty
* Guarding the replica alligator heads on the wall of O'Hernanhan's Bar & Grill
* Frequent Hot Dog Club card fraud
* Assisting the slovenly
* Gate B32 party coordinator

W.T. International Airport - 555-1199

Doofus sale

40% off all doofuses - limited time!

Hector Carabes - $135
The Traveling Doofus (slow-pitch softball team) - $200 for entire team or $15 per player

Improv acts
Murray & Jan - $130
The Smiling Doofuses - $240
Oily Sven - $65

Hurry, many interested
Vance 555-5440

May 15, 2009


Take a trip to the Kaynesport Visitor's Center

"Come smell the changes we've made!"

Spring exhibits

- The War of Norman's Aggression (1941)
- The War of Many Normans (1942)


* Maps to famous rooster's houses
* Blast! Cola fountain
* Every Friday: Emmit Parker Hums The Hits (9:00 p.m. - midnight)

Kaynesport Visitor's Center - Off Exit 83 near the Big Hippo

Lint for sale

"Quality is not only our name, it's our guarantee."

Jim and Sandy Quality
Lint sales

* 12 OZ. bushel - $5.99
* 22 OZ. pillowcase - $11.99
* 35 OZ. Pimple Ralph backpack - $25.99
* Over 35 OZ. - we deliver!

*Spring/summer special*
"The Drier Diaries", free with $15 purchase

J&S Lint - 455 Mayshore Way, Shueburg

May 14, 2009


Friends of Shane Armas
May meeting

Items to discuss:

* Did Shane and his team, Holy Potatoes!, finish 3rd or 4th at trivia last Friday?
* Shane's new pet goldfish, Zeezo
* The Shane Games, 2009

- What went wrong
- Please return all caterpillars to Dorothy Vanderells (555-4118, ext. 56)
- Olive Oil Dunk Tank semi final results

Meeting: May 28, 7:00 p.m. at Garth & Andy's condo

For sale

May specials

* Door knobs (19 oz. bucket) - $16
* Uncle Calvin - $110
[with giraffe mask/goggles - $120]

12 oz. cup - $4
Celery Man lunchbox - $9

Eddie 555-1818

May 13, 2009

For sale


I Fell in Mud
Soy Sauce Tonight

$5 each
Samantha 555-4337

May 12, 2009


The Plumptin Dinner Theatre proudly presents Bridge to Munkhouser

"A story of a bridge and the people and penguins that cross it. And a lady named Kathy."

Featuring an all-star cast:

Bertrum Salazar as Popo the Penguin
Denny Forrest as Sideburns Historian
Anika Bloom as Helen the Penguin
Thomas Yancey as Boy 1
Zyzich Capernakie as Mashed Potato Salesman
Bart Conroy as Chubby Steve
Jennifer Peterson as The Schizophrenic Librarian

Opening night - May 15 - 7:00 p.m.
Show runs through June 1

Call the PDT box office for tickets - 555-1119

May 11, 2009


Linda's Advice Shop
Grand opening!

Spring, 2009 specials:

* "Purple jean shorts?"
* "'Determination' is not a girl's name."
* "Don't drink and pogo stick."
* "Stop collecting other people's toe nails."
* "Stop putting shampoo on your pancakes."

Linda's - 717 Richard Clayton Blvd, Kaynesport

"The best prices in town"

- Linda

May 10, 2009


Bobo Valley Cobras youth baseball
Pre-season team meeting

On the agenda:

* Why we can only bring more than one bat to the plate during practice
* Please do not eat the eye black

May 19, 7:30 p.m. at PeePee's Pizza

May 9, 2009

Personal ads


SBWC, age 6. Trying to find a nice, young feline to share my window ledge.

No fake whiskers.

Vladimir box 11107

My hair is all matted down and I'm down to dietary, salmon-flavored dry food, but I still know how to party.

Cookie box 66320


52-year old retired elevator critic.

Orin box 30007

I just got out of the shower, but I forgot to take off my clothes before I got in. Looking for a woman with a drier.

Herndon box 33918

May 8, 2009

For sale

Directions for sale

Some of the spring's hottest driving directions -

* Your house to my house
* My house to Lonny's grandmother's house
* Cooper's Discount Wine from anywhere
* My house to where Lonny met the talking raccoon
* Cooper's Discount Wine to the Lotto Stop
* Lonny's grandmother's house to Mushroom's apartment

Make me an offer

Cody 555-4400

May 7, 2009


Eenis Capolo concert

Europe's legendary crooner is coming to the Kaynesport Amphitheatre for one night only!

See Capolo sing his classic hits:

Can't Get You Out of my Turtleneck
(Dependin' On) Squirrel Folk
Don't Shave So Close to Me
Girls Just Want to Have Fudge
Ernie Davis Eyes

Ticket prices

Grape Jelly Pit - $150
Under stage - $100
Gravel - $30

June 4 - 8:00 p.m.

For sale


* Tap

Travis 555-4537

May 6, 2009


Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's see if we can shake the crazy/money out of you"

* Excessive sign holding
* Over-pinching
* Fear of spaghetti
* Chronic steering wheel drumming
* Trouble whining
* Fear of a clothed rhinoceros

Janice Bailey

May 5, 2009

Dog for sale


Age: 7

* Won Worst Breath at 2006 Hummps
* Appeared on the hit reality TV series Help, My Dog is Throwing Up Blue Stuff!

Tim and Katie 555-8973


Henley's Food Mart - Store #247
Staff meeting

* If you're going to wear suspenders, please wear a shirt and pants as well
* The customers are not allowed to keep their shopping cart

May 7, 11:30 a.m.

May 4, 2009

Letter from the editor

Dear readers,

Contrary to what you may have heard, I did not die of a penguin feather overdose this past weekend. We all have our own ways of letting off steam; unfortunately the mainstream media doesn't feel it is necessary to collect facts before publishing a story ("Too Many Penguins", Kaynesport Times, 5/4/09).

I appreciate all of the get-well socks.

Derwood Morris

May 3, 2009


J96.5 PLOP Radio is back on the airwaves!

New weekday lineup

Yoyo & Blinky in the Morning
8:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.

The Lunchmeat Crew
12:00 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.

The Ernest Bingo Show
3:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

Feathersville Blobfish Baseball
7:00 p.m. - Wilson Shane & Hall of Famer "Clam Boots" Baker on the call

Eddie and Diane Sing the Obituaries
12:00 a.m. - 12:20 a.m.

**New 96.5 programming starts May 4!

Upcoming events

* Mayonnaise Eating Contest (Presented by Clumpy's Barbecue Mayo) - May 7, 2009
* Help Jorge Fulfill His Community Service in the Park - June 13-14, 2009

Call 555-PLOP to sign up

May 2, 2009


Psychic for hire

"I can see stuff"

* Who stays chubby/who doesn't
* What's 10:30 going to be like?
* Partially-eaten Jolly Rancher futures
* Stoplight futures
* Ending to Rocky 9
* The future of the crystal ball

Candy 555-6641
Call for rates and availability

May 1, 2009


Kaynesport spring football
Mid-season team meeting

Items to discuss:

* Meet our new mascot, Tommy Taco III
* Why you only need to wear your shoulder pads during practice and games
* Mid-season awards:

- Largest Head
- Wobbliest Pass
- 23rd Man Award
- Smallest Wrists

May 6, 7:00 p.m. at the fieldhouse

For sale


I Know Where you Sneezed Last Summer
Edgar & Sandeep Shave their Eyebrows
Boysenberries in the Hood

$4 each
Cody 555-0309