March 31, 2014

For sale


* Orange
* Won at the "Guess That Smell" booth at the Kaynesport County Fair (October 20, 2013)
* Used in the filming of Rosa's 2014 music video for the hit song You Give Goldfish A Bad Name

Patti  555-4771

** Ask about our water/plastic bag program **

March 30, 2014


All-you-can-eat sandpaper

* For a limited time *

Bryson  555-6100

March 29, 2014

For sale

Used play scripts

* Grape Jelly Stain of a Salesman
* 4:30, Part 2
* The Phantom of the Youth Cheerleading Parent's Meeting

$5 each
Cathy  555-1100

March 28, 2014

March 27, 2014


Calendar Watchers
Spring meeting

On the agenda:

* Remembering December, 2007
* Wednesdays: Q&A
* Why we're skipping June this year

March 31, 4:30 p.m. at Maureen & Rodney's condo

March 26, 2014


The Kaynesport Preservation Society's April showcase: the town's first bridge!

* Brought to you thanks to a generous grant from the P.C.N.KPS (The People Camped Out Near The Kaynesport Preservation Society).

Call 555-4419 for tour schedules

March 25, 2014


Learn how to speak fluently with a toothbrush in your mouth!

My two-week tutorial is available now.

Other tutorials for sale:

* How To Balance A Check Book On Your Nose
* Naming The Individual Ants In Your Ant Farm: Boys Names
* How To Breathe With Your Nose & Mouth Stuffed With Fried Calamari

Buy each tutorial on one DVD or five VHS

Call for pricing list
Michelle  555-9443

March 24, 2014

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Will Anyone Date My Cousin? - Season 2
* America's Got Headaches - First season
* We're Living In A Mud Pit! - Season 3
* Librarian Husbands - Season 5
* Changing Tires With The Stars - Complete series

$6 each
Kiesha  555-0033

March 23, 2014

For sale

Some cranberry juice

[Photograph aged four hours)

* Plastic cup includes some lipstick
* Also available: seven-year old (Taylor)

Dan & Cynthia  555-2200

March 22, 2014


Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's scratch the crazy off of you"

* Fear of a clothed antelope
* Excessive pointing at parking lot oil stains
* "I make linguine, then pour it into my work boots"
* Embellishing how often my guinea pig speaks
* "I hate my granddaughter's cursive 'J'"
* Yield sign tattoo regret

Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-0119

March 21, 2014

For rent

Wall socket

* Close proximity to the carpet *

$7.50/half hour
Dennis  555-4337

March 20, 2014

March 19, 2014


I'm trying to purchase one slipper, preferably light blue.

Willing to offer as much as $4 or the equivalent in handwritten directions to various places.

Vanessa  555-4887

March 18, 2014

March 17, 2014

For sale

I'm selling most of my New Years resolutions. They didn't work for me, maybe they could for you.

* Don't call back Eric until he calls you
* Go through a drive-thru line wearing a giraffe mask
* Point at rain more
* Teach long division to a cocker spaniel
* Get 100 signatures on your Let Ice Cubes Marry petition
* Fall in love with a postage stamp
* Play an entire game of pick-up basketball while chewing on a tree branch

Call for pricing list
Julius  555-0119

March 16, 2014


KYBA (Kaynesport Youth Basketball Association)
Post-season banquet

Schedule of events:

6:55 p.m. - Air saxophone district 5 championship team performs the national anthem
7:00 p.m. - mingling. (with penguins)
9:00 p.m. - Banquet

- Awards to be given out:

* Smallest Ears
* Worst Shot (The Daquan Thompkins Award)
* Older Sister With The Worst Breath
* Clumsiest Dribbler
* Most Annoying Grandfather
* 2014 Tripandfall Award

10:00 p.m. - Fire ant auction
10:45 p.m. - Begin security escorts to basement supply closet
11:15 p.m. - Begin security escorts to parking garage

April 5 at Kaynesport Ballroom

March 15, 2014


Plumptin Times
Editorial meeting

On the agenda:

* Our obituary page is not for pictures of burnt toast
* No matter how many times they send us press releases and photographs, Competitive Knee Pinching is not a sport
* The new Smelliest Lady Of The Week page: Q&A

March 17, 8:00 a.m.

March 14, 2014


Need a stain on the shirt of a family member, friend or co-worker pointed at?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

March 13, 2014


Items to discuss:

* Andrea doesn't like apple juice anymore
* Our field trip to Andrea's middle school orchestra room has been moved to May 7th
* Andrea's new cell phone charger: Q&A

March 12, 2014

For sale

Photograph of the sidewalk in front of my house

* Only three left
* One contains some grape jelly

Debbie  555-1007

March 11, 2014


You and I were in the same yoga class the other day. I was chewing on my mat and offered you a corner to chew on.

I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me, especially when I asked if I could borrow some dental floss, and you said you didn't bring any dental floss.

How many elbow pads was I wearing on each arm?

Jed  555-1444

March 10, 2014


Vern's Video Games
Grand opening!

Tons of the hottest games for sale, including:

* Exit The Parking Garage
* Craig The Periodontist Slayer
* Get My Momma To Church! - The Video Game
* Stay On Your Moped!

Vern's - 635 Durly Avenue, Kaynesport

March 9, 2014

For sale

Milk carton

* About 3 ounces of milk left inside sold separately

Danny  555-2219

March 8, 2014

Item found


Found early-Friday morning outside my apartment, looks like it might have a family. If he/she is yours, give us a call.

* Doesn't respond to Samantha

Gwen & Terry  555-7334

March 7, 2014

For rent

Cucumber top

$4/half hour
Patricia  555-5113

March 6, 2014


F.C.F.T.C.H. - Plumptin County chapter

Spring fundraising meeting: March 9, 1:00 p.m.

March 5, 2014

For sale

Pharmacy bill

* $47.39 owed
* I'm at the pharmacy at Paynow Grocery store #117 in a red dress. I'll be pointing to the pharmacy window.
* Free six-year old (Taylor) with purchase

Cynthia  555-2200

March 3, 2014

Free items

Ernie  555-3232

March 2, 2014


Friends of Ken Jennawitz
March meeting

On the agenda:

* We've added the following items to the spring auction: shoelaces from Ken's sneakers when he fell into the river last fall, three saltine crackers Ken didn't eat in January
* Ken doesn't like squash anymore
* November 10, 2012: the day we had an accidental surprise retirement party for Jenn Kenniwitz

March 5, 4:00 p.m. at Walter & Ben's condo

March 1, 2014


We were both on aisle 7 at the grocery store the other day and I was trying to see how many slices of rye bread I could fit into my mouth.

We made eye contact twice, then I thought you had noticed the broken pieces of potato chip that were scattered all over the floor. I picked up a handful of the chips and offered you some.

What was I not wearing, socks or shoes, or both?

Damion  555-8115