Meetings

Kaynesport Bulls 9-under basketball
Team meeting


On the agenda:

* The following players are no longer allowed to shoot: Trey, Keshawn, Chris


November 2, 5:30 p.m. at the rec center

Meetings

Pre-Halloween meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who this year is dressing up as an above-ground pool?
* A pumpkin is not a weapon
* Showing up four hours late to a costume party dressed as November 1st isn't funny two years in a row


October 30, 7:00 p.m. at Randy Turner's apartment

For sale

Workout videos on VHS

* Hopping In Place With Pierre
* Come On, Let's Butter Up Paul and Shove Him Through the Doorway
* (Let's Keep) Blubbersizing!


$5 each
Cody 555-4461

Openings

The Sandwich Hole
Grand opening of our West Kaynesport location!

Summer specials:

* Diced sandals w/mustard sauce
* Ears of Linda on pumpernickel
* The Murray Dandridge
* Napkin on white

BYOT (Bring your own tomatoes)


Sandwich Hole - 710 Poloca Avenue, Kaynesport

For sale

Piece of sausage

* Piece of sweatshirt fuzz included


$1
Brent  555-3887

Services

Need to close a shower curtain?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on pine straw near my house.

Viewings available now and until the end of December.


* $125 per viewing
* Chunks of Jesus Straw™ also available


844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

Announcements

The Plumptin Buffaloes 40+ adult baseball fall team has been selected!


Final cut list

* Returning player

1. Tommy Potato
2. *Derwood Quintana
3. Pigeon Face Hadley
4. *Jarvis James
5. Sunset Rivers
6. *Kneecaps Graham
7. *Percy Chang
8. Gramps Vernon
9. Ernie Bilbo
10. Timmy Potato
11. Hakeem
12. *Pervis Chang
13. Shu Shin-Wong
14. Crackers Calhoun


First practice: October 29, 6:00 p.m. at field 10

** Please bring your own glove **

Public Service Announcement

Do these types of images make you uncomfortable? Time to do something about it.

This holiday season, let's make sure the sandwiches get eaten.

Call 555-3995 to find out how you can make a difference.

Services

Handy man for hire

"I'll take care of all your odd jobs or my name isn't Randal"


* Personal faller
* Vacuuming critic
* Possum interrogation
* "Let's run over to that lady and chew on her toes"
* Directions to the roof
* Pillowcase-eating contest judge


Call for rates and availability
Chuck 555-6019

For sale

Two goldfish

* Eddie Jr. and Ozzie
* Both deceased in September
* Appeared in 2010 musical Goldfish of a Salesman
* Interesting trades for live goldfish considered


$3 each or $5 for both
Eddie 555-1818

Openings

The Game Trough
Grand Re-opening


Top-selling games:

* Breakfast Buffet 2008
* Sunflower Seed Man
* Escape From The Dinner Table
* Driveway Thief
* Vacuuming '93
* Sunflower Seed Man vs. Canada



The Game Trough - 322 Morris Blvd., Kaynesport

Services

Need to open a shower curtain?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

Meetings

Kaynesport High Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting


On the agenda:

* Note to the guys: please put on your cummerbund after your underwear and pants
* Piggy back rides to and from the gym begin at 5:30 p.m. the day of the dance
* The theme 'under the sea' should not be taken literally


October 21, 1:00 p.m. in the media center

For rent

Block of cheese

$.75 per small cube or $4 for entire block
Trevor  555-9338

For sale

Domain names

www.grassclumpfights.wordpress.com/2010_etleyvschambers
www.filmscriptmania.rtf/breakfastwasspilledontiffany
www.ploopcollege.edu/oncampussearch_pigeonnests
www.whatsinmybellybutton.blogspot.com
www.firetollboothoperatorchris.com
www.plumptincountyeatingcontests.blogspot.com/1997/postagestamp
www.namesigavemyants.wordpress.com
www.derwoodcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics/3rdgradertoss
www.wheatbreadivesneezedon.blogspot.com


$10 each
Terry 555-8810

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Basketball Usher Wives - Complete series w/deleted scenes
* Watch me Drink Toilet Bowl Cleaner - Final season
* Ant Farm Swap - Season 3


$10 each
Sandra 555-4419

Item found

Grape



* Green
* Doesn't answer to Randy
* He mostly sits on the carpet underneath the coffee table and keeps to himself. Seems homesick.


Eddie 555-3939

Meetings

Friends of Sam Janford
October meeting


Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Sam's Aunt Corinne to her Mailbox Whisperer's Anonymous meeting, November 2?
* Apologizing to Jan Sanford for the surprise 'birthday kidnapping' and returning him to his calligraphy class
* Our field trip to the tool shed in Sam's backyard has been moved to December 9


October 17, 2:00 p.m. at Warren & Hillary's condo

For sale

Roof

* Grayish-black
* Perfect for the top of a building
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show We're Living on the Roof!
* Interesting trades for chimneys considered


$700
Nathaniel & Kiesha 555-8724

For sale

Two tickets to Kaynesport Renegades semi-pro fall baseball

* October 27 game vs. Plumptin Bluejays
* Free with purchase: envelope the tickets came in


$12 or the equivalent in kidney beans
Hank 555-1819

For sale

Used books


* Idiot's Guide to the Spoon - Charlene Hummel
* Portrait of a Wine Stain as a Young Grape - Arthur Clemons
* Devil Wears Elbow Pads - Claire Medlen
* Stop Signs for Dummies - Chocolate House Publishing


$4 each
Linda 555-3401

Services

Need help replacing an ant in your ant farm?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Chair



* Black w/barbecue sauce stain on back right leg
* Plenty of character
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Chair Fights: Baltimore


$8
Barry 555-3447


** Hurry, Tim is interested **

Missing

Pigeon

* Percy
* Last seen Saturday at the train station, finishing a cigarette butt


East Kaynesport Magicians LLC
555-7449

For sale

Bumper stickers


* Miss Eggplant-Runner-up '99
* Guns Don't Kill People, Entering a Windshield Wiper Fluid-Drinking Contest Kills People
* My Child Traded His Socks for a Cupcake at Griffin Elementary School
* Miss Eggplant-4th Place '03


$4 each
Brittany 555-2201

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #62
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Making the customers do five sets of push ups to receive their change was not on the training video
* The 'french fry in my nose' joke at the cash registers is no longer funny
* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of troubled looks, Dorothy Bainbridge


October 10, 3:30 p.m.

For sale

Bologna sandwich

* Perfect for the sandwich eater in your life
* Extra piece of lettuce sold separately
* Interesting trades for photographs of bologna sandwiches considered


$2
Paul  555-4002

Meetings

Onion Rings Fast Food - Store #214
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting raisins as currency
* The drive-thru window does not double as a confessional booth
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of reaching for things, Debra Barone


Friday at 10:30 a.m.

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* Fear of a clothed jellyfish
* "I think someone stole my Ice Cube Man cape and is solving crimes throughout the city's freezers"
* Embellishing how often my goldfish speaks
* Whistling battles in bank lines: keeping it real
* Giant mailboxes invade Front Lawn City
* Bottom of foot piercing regret
* "I cook pounds of pasta, pour it into the bathtub and bathe in it"
* Excessive zippering


Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6643

For sale

1/2 cucumber



* Green
* Perfect for cucumber fights


$2
Cal 555-7662


** Hurry, Darryl is interested **

For sale

Stuffed bear



* "Maurice"
* Ketchup behind left ear still good
* Interesting trades for live bears considered


$40
Ben & Felicity 555-3991

Services

Professional pointer for hire

"I'll point at anything"

* Fully-licensed
* Over 40 years of pointing experience
* Once pointed at a building for over 15 minutes (national record)
* Assistant manager in charge of pointing at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #344 (May, 2006-December, 2008)


Call for pricing list
Jill 555-7990


** Now pointing at broken-down vehicles **

For rent

Egg




$2/half hour
Natalie 555-0111

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
October meeting


Books to discuss:

* Turkey Sandwich, Interrupted - Gail Clemens
* The Girl With the Vacuum Cleaner Tattoo - Elliot Shane
* Idiot's Guide to the Faucet - Ed. Samantha Horn
* History of North American Mud Fights - Chocolate House Publishing


October 4, 7:00 p.m. at Ned & Danita's apartment

For rent

Basketball goal



* Must provide own net
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Basketball Statistician's Wives
* Wasp nest on rear side of backboard
* Youth player with terrible jump shot and chicken legs (Randal Jr.) free with rental agreement


$25/hour
Randal & Beverly 555-3391