October 31, 2011


Kaynesport Bulls 9-under basketball
Team meeting

On the agenda:

* The following players are no longer allowed to shoot: Trey, Keshawn, Chris

November 2, 5:30 p.m. at the rec center

October 30, 2011


Pre-Halloween meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who this year is dressing up as an above-ground pool?
* A pumpkin is not a weapon
* Showing up four hours late to a costume party dressed as November 1st isn't funny two years in a row

October 30, 7:00 p.m. at Randy Turner's apartment

October 29, 2011

For sale

Workout videos on VHS

* Hopping In Place With Pierre
* Come On, Let's Butter Up Paul and Shove Him Through the Doorway
* (Let's Keep) Blubbersizing!

$5 each
Cody 555-4461

October 28, 2011


The Sandwich Hole
Grand opening of our West Kaynesport location!

Summer specials:

* Diced sandals w/mustard sauce
* Ears of Linda on pumpernickel
* The Murray Dandridge
* Napkin on white

BYOT (Bring your own tomatoes)

Sandwich Hole - 710 Poloca Avenue, Kaynesport

October 27, 2011

For sale

Piece of sausage

* Piece of sweatshirt fuzz included

Brent  555-3887


Need to close a shower curtain?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 26, 2011

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on pine straw near my house.

Viewings available now and until the end of December.

* $125 per viewing
* Chunks of Jesus Straw™ also available

844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

October 25, 2011


The Plumptin Buffaloes 40+ adult baseball fall team has been selected!

Final cut list

* Returning player

1. Tommy Potato
2. *Derwood Quintana
3. Pigeon Face Hadley
4. *Jarvis James
5. Sunset Rivers
6. *Kneecaps Graham
7. *Percy Chang
8. Gramps Vernon
9. Ernie Bilbo
10. Timmy Potato
11. Hakeem
12. *Pervis Chang
13. Shu Shin-Wong
14. Crackers Calhoun

First practice: October 29, 6:00 p.m. at field 10

** Please bring your own glove **

October 24, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Do these types of images make you uncomfortable? Time to do something about it.

This holiday season, let's make sure the sandwiches get eaten.

Call 555-3995 to find out how you can make a difference.

October 23, 2011


Handy man for hire

"I'll take care of all your odd jobs or my name isn't Randal"

* Personal faller
* Vacuuming critic
* Possum interrogation
* "Let's run over to that lady and chew on her toes"
* Directions to the roof
* Pillowcase-eating contest judge

Call for rates and availability
Chuck 555-6019

October 22, 2011

For sale

Two goldfish

* Eddie Jr. and Ozzie
* Both deceased in September
* Appeared in 2010 musical Goldfish of a Salesman
* Interesting trades for live goldfish considered

$3 each or $5 for both
Eddie 555-1818

October 21, 2011


The Game Trough
Grand Re-opening

Top-selling games:

* Breakfast Buffet 2008
* Sunflower Seed Man
* Escape From The Dinner Table
* Driveway Thief
* Vacuuming '93
* Sunflower Seed Man vs. Canada

The Game Trough - 322 Morris Blvd., Kaynesport

October 20, 2011


Need to open a shower curtain?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 19, 2011


Kaynesport High Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting

On the agenda:

* Note to the guys: please put on your cummerbund after your underwear and pants
* Piggy back rides to and from the gym begin at 5:30 p.m. the day of the dance
* The theme 'under the sea' should not be taken literally

October 21, 1:00 p.m. in the media center

October 18, 2011

For rent

Block of cheese

$.75 per small cube or $4 for entire block
Trevor  555-9338

October 17, 2011

For sale

Domain names


$10 each
Terry 555-8810

October 16, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Basketball Usher Wives - Complete series w/deleted scenes
* Watch me Drink Toilet Bowl Cleaner - Final season
* Ant Farm Swap - Season 3

$10 each
Sandra 555-4419

October 15, 2011

Item found


* Green
* Doesn't answer to Randy
* He mostly sits on the carpet underneath the coffee table and keeps to himself. Seems homesick.

Eddie 555-3939

October 14, 2011


Friends of Sam Janford
October meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Sam's Aunt Corinne to her Mailbox Whisperer's Anonymous meeting, November 2?
* Apologizing to Jan Sanford for the surprise 'birthday kidnapping' and returning him to his calligraphy class
* Our field trip to the tool shed in Sam's backyard has been moved to December 9

October 17, 2:00 p.m. at Warren & Hillary's condo

October 13, 2011

For sale


* Grayish-black
* Perfect for the top of a building
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show We're Living on the Roof!
* Interesting trades for chimneys considered

Nathaniel & Kiesha 555-8724

October 12, 2011

For sale

Two tickets to Kaynesport Renegades semi-pro fall baseball

* October 27 game vs. Plumptin Bluejays
* Free with purchase: envelope the tickets came in

$12 or the equivalent in kidney beans
Hank 555-1819

October 11, 2011

For sale

Used books

* Idiot's Guide to the Spoon - Charlene Hummel
* Portrait of a Wine Stain as a Young Grape - Arthur Clemons
* Devil Wears Elbow Pads - Claire Medlen
* Stop Signs for Dummies - Chocolate House Publishing

$4 each
Linda 555-3401

October 10, 2011


Need help replacing an ant in your ant farm?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale


* Black w/barbecue sauce stain on back right leg
* Plenty of character
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Chair Fights: Baltimore

Barry 555-3447

** Hurry, Tim is interested **

October 9, 2011



* Percy
* Last seen Saturday at the train station, finishing a cigarette butt

East Kaynesport Magicians LLC

October 8, 2011

For sale

Bumper stickers

* Miss Eggplant-Runner-up '99
* Guns Don't Kill People, Entering a Windshield Wiper Fluid-Drinking Contest Kills People
* My Child Traded His Socks for a Cupcake at Griffin Elementary School
* Miss Eggplant-4th Place '03

$4 each
Brittany 555-2201

October 7, 2011


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #62
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Making the customers do five sets of push ups to receive their change was not on the training video
* The 'french fry in my nose' joke at the cash registers is no longer funny
* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of troubled looks, Dorothy Bainbridge

October 10, 3:30 p.m.

October 6, 2011

For sale

Bologna sandwich

* Perfect for the sandwich eater in your life
* Extra piece of lettuce sold separately
* Interesting trades for photographs of bologna sandwiches considered

Paul  555-4002


Onion Rings Fast Food - Store #214
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting raisins as currency
* The drive-thru window does not double as a confessional booth
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of reaching for things, Debra Barone

Friday at 10:30 a.m.

October 5, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

* Fear of a clothed jellyfish
* "I think someone stole my Ice Cube Man cape and is solving crimes throughout the city's freezers"
* Embellishing how often my goldfish speaks
* Whistling battles in bank lines: keeping it real
* Giant mailboxes invade Front Lawn City
* Bottom of foot piercing regret
* "I cook pounds of pasta, pour it into the bathtub and bathe in it"
* Excessive zippering

Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6643

October 4, 2011

For sale

1/2 cucumber

* Green
* Perfect for cucumber fights

Cal 555-7662

** Hurry, Darryl is interested **

For sale

Stuffed bear

* "Maurice"
* Ketchup behind left ear still good
* Interesting trades for live bears considered

Ben & Felicity 555-3991

October 3, 2011


Professional pointer for hire

"I'll point at anything"

* Fully-licensed
* Over 40 years of pointing experience
* Once pointed at a building for over 15 minutes (national record)
* Assistant manager in charge of pointing at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #344 (May, 2006-December, 2008)

Call for pricing list
Jill 555-7990

** Now pointing at broken-down vehicles **

For rent


$2/half hour
Natalie 555-0111

October 2, 2011


A Novel Concept book club
October meeting

Books to discuss:

* Turkey Sandwich, Interrupted - Gail Clemens
* The Girl With the Vacuum Cleaner Tattoo - Elliot Shane
* Idiot's Guide to the Faucet - Ed. Samantha Horn
* History of North American Mud Fights - Chocolate House Publishing

October 4, 7:00 p.m. at Ned & Danita's apartment

October 1, 2011

For rent

Basketball goal

* Must provide own net
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Basketball Statistician's Wives
* Wasp nest on rear side of backboard
* Youth player with terrible jump shot and chicken legs (Randal Jr.) free with rental agreement

Randal & Beverly 555-3391