January 31, 2012


The sandpaper-eating contest has been moved to February 25 in the East Annex, Plumptin.

Two divisions this year: 55-under and senior.

All competitors please remember to bring your celery helmet, cup of leaves and a drawing of a piece of bread.

- TBC staff

January 30, 2012


Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"

* Fear of a clothed elephant
* Making a quiche out of a molehill
* The voices inside your soup
* Excessive stapling
* "I hate my step-father's laugh"
* Fear of harmonizing shampoo bottles

Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-0119

January 29, 2012

For sale


* Plenty of character/fire ants

Kent 555-2332

January 28, 2012

Help wanted

Need help paying my cab fare

* $34.70 owed
* I'm on the sidewalk in front of the Beefy's Fast Food Hut, downtown Kaynesport
* Cherry air freshener potentially free with purchase

Hurry, many interested
Jerry 555-2291

January 27, 2012


The Refrigerator Club
February meeting

Items to discuss:

- Why the pilot for the reality show Get My Grandpa Out Of That Refrigerator! wasn't picked up
- Potato chips do not need to be refrigerated
- 1st annual Refrigerator Races: how do we get started?

February 5, 7:00 p.m. at Tamika and Joe's town house

** Randy's Ice Cube Museum vacation slide show: 9:15 p.m., garage refrigerator **

January 26, 2012

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

Brush My Teeth! - Season 3
Lemonade Stand: Albuquerque- Season 1
Whose Hair Won't Catch On Fire?! - Final season w/deleted scenes
Watch Me Eat Acorns - Season 2

$6 each or $20 for all four
Miranda 555-7551

January 25, 2012

For sale


$.50 each or all 12 for $5
Dedrick  555-0100

** Ask about our payment plans **

January 24, 2012


Charity Pershack

A long-time penguin runner in the black market mammal trade, Mrs. Pershack died suddenly, Monday morning when she was trapped in his refrigerator and later perished in the vegetable crisper. A member of a number of political activist groups, including S.O.E.S. (separation of ear and sandwich), she helped organize the 1987 Brance County tree house boycotts and the 2002 omelet riots after the publicized police beatings of a carton of free-range. She is survived by several desk lamps.

Funeral services are scheduled for January 28 at 5:00 p.m., then we're headed to McCaffertys for quarter draft hour.

January 23, 2012

For sale

Movies on VHS

To be Engaged to a Mockingbird
Almost Earless
Karate Hippo 3
Arthritic Elbow of a Salesman
Rodney and the Envelope Factory

$4 each
Samantha 555-4337

January 22, 2012


Need your socks filled with sawdust?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

January 21, 2012


Raheem's Jellybeans
Grand opening!

Exciting new flavors:

* Toast
* Brandon Toe
* Leaves
* Horse Breath 1
* Bandaid
* Grandma Slipper

Raheem's - 220 Orwin Blvd., Plumptin

January 20, 2012


Men Without Socks
January meeting

Items to discuss:

* Why sheets of lasagna are not adequate substitutes
* Last Saturday's square dance with the Women Without Teeth: what went wrong
* Please welcome our 2012 honorary member, Carl Percy: the man without ankles

January 21, 6:00 p.m. at the Qwerce Country Club, Kaynesport

January 19, 2012


Boristown High School yearbook staff
January meeting

On the agenda:

* "Weakest arms" and "ugliest sister" are not senior superlatives
* Vice principal Morris' toupee will not have its own page
* No matter how many photos they send, there's no such thing as The Keg Stand Club

January 20, 10:00 a.m. in media center

January 18, 2012

Award winner

2012 Build Your Dream House: 11th place

Congratulations to Horace, Vanessa, D'Keeshawn and the rest of the team.

- D. Morris

January 17, 2012

For sale

Documentaries on VHS

* "Hair conditioner drinking contest: 2006 nationals"
* "Waiter, there's a pair of socks in my soup: the closing of Capeechio's"
* "Let's get the Weavers a front door" (part 1)
* "The door doesn't fit" (part 2)
* "The Weavers moved" (part 3)
* "Following around my friend, Barry"

$6 each
Craig 555-9223

January 16, 2012

For sale


* Brand-new
* Conveniently located in the woods
* Used in the filming of the 2010 reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Step-Dad?

Ben 555-4501

January 15, 2012

For sale

I've received a number of ransom notes over the years and I'm finally selling some of my most valuable at bargain prices.

- "I have your mailbox flag"
- "I ran out of letters. Leave three magazines at 417 Hickory"
- "We have your napkin. Meet by the dock, 9:00 p.m."
- "Give me back my ransom note"

Call for pricing list
Max 555-8710

January 14, 2012


Want to impress the opossumless sects? Get up at the crack of John in spinach shorts and stop wash and runny nose until you hear a horrorattack.

"Jockeying is the wonking of the new aluminum."

- Ernie

January 13, 2012

Car for sale

1983 Sherman ZE

* 266,000 miles
* Tires sold separately
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Drown?!
* Green bucket free with purchase

Maurice 555-1988

January 12, 2012


The Hair Cut - Store #42
Hair stylists meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please do not allow anyone to pay for their haircut in sea shells
* If a customer is holding a stopwatch while another is drinking shampoo, something went wrong with the haircut

January 13, 10:00 a.m.

January 11, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Talk to your toilet before it turns to a life in the woods.

Hotline: 555-2991

January 10, 2012


Need Christmas trees eaten?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

January 9, 2012


All-you-can-eat feathers

* For a limited time *

Bryson 555-6100


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #226
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The secret sauce does not include cigarette ash
* Please stop accepting airplane bottles of rum in exchange for chicken fingers
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of concerned looks, Patricia Henley
* There is no such thing as a wearing shorts tax

January 10, 9:30 a.m.

January 8, 2012

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

Are You Dumber Than Wally? - Full series
Get Me Out Of This Bathtub! - Season 4
Watch Me Eat Crackers - Final season w/deleted scenes
We're Living In An Above-Ground Pool! - Season 5

$8 each
Javontae 555-4817

January 7, 2012

For rent

Small block of ice

Harold 555-3443

January 6, 2012


Kaynesport Historical Society announces its newest addition: the world's first seesaw.

Call 555-4419 for tour schedules

January 5, 2012


Ready to start the countdown to 2013?

Begins January 8 at 1:00 p.m. at my place:
410 Derwood Manor, Kaynesport (Joe Maglio's old house).

Bobby Feathers

For sale

Movies on DVD

The Girl With The Gas Pump Tattoo
Overflowing Bathtub At Bernie's
Throw That's Guy's Luggage From The Train
The Greatest Customer Ever Put On Hold

$4 each
Mike 555-2339

January 4, 2012

For sale

Used play scripts

A Midsummer Night's Sneeze
The Phantom of the Middle School Football Booster Club Meeting
Combover of a Salesman

$5 each
Wendy 555-7588

January 3, 2012

Child for sale

Age: 7

Pluses: Has third-grade connections.
Minuses: Doesn't know the capital of anywhere; picked his ear, ate it (July, 2009); left his jacket at school last Tuesday.
Favorite food: Chocolate syrup and cauliflower in a bowl of warm water.
Sleeps: About an hour per night on the kitchen counter.
What he wants to be when he grows up: "A crime-fighting eggplant".

Beth & Troy 555-9112

* Interesting trades for pure-bred dachshunds considered

January 2, 2012


Clock Watcher's Society - Plumptin chapter
January meeting

On the agenda:

* October 6, 2011, 4:40 p.m: a retrospective
* The record release party for Sandra's new album I Got The Quarter After Seven Blues has been moved to February 10th (7:15 p.m.)
* When is it going to be 11:40?

January 4, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters

For sale

Pine cone sandwich

* Fresh
* Comes with one additional pine cone

Ivan 555-8111

January 1, 2012

For sale

1/2 plate of scrambled eggs

Trent 555-3241

** Call in the next 45 minutes and receive a free piece of toast **