The sandpaper-eating contest has been moved to February 25 in the East Annex, Plumptin.
All competitors please bring your celery helmet, cup of leaves and a drawing of a piece of bread.
- TBC staff
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Services
Psychiatrist for hire
"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"
* Fear of a clothed elephant
* Making a quiche out of a molehill
* The voices inside your soup
* Excessive stapling
* "I hate my step-father's laugh"
* I'm nervous around ice cubes
* Fear of harmonizing shampoo bottles
Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-0119
"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"
* Fear of a clothed elephant
* Making a quiche out of a molehill
* The voices inside your soup
* Excessive stapling
* "I hate my step-father's laugh"
* I'm nervous around ice cubes
* Fear of harmonizing shampoo bottles
Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-0119
January 29, 2012
January 28, 2012
Help wanted
Need help paying my cab fare
* $34.70 owed
* I'm on the sidewalk in front of the Beefy's Fast Food Hut, downtown Kaynesport
* Cherry air freshener free with purchase
Hurry, many interested
Jerry 555-2291
* $34.70 owed
* I'm on the sidewalk in front of the Beefy's Fast Food Hut, downtown Kaynesport
* Cherry air freshener free with purchase
Hurry, many interested
Jerry 555-2291
January 27, 2012
Meetings
The Refrigerator Club
February meeting
Items to discuss:
- Why the pilot for the reality show Get My Grandpa Out Of That Refrigerator! wasn't picked up
- Potato chips do not need to be refrigerated
- 1st annual Refrigerator Races: how do we get started?
February 5, 7:00 p.m. at Tamika and Joe's town house

** Randy's Ice Cube Museum vacation slide show: 9:00 p.m., garage refrigerator **
February meeting
Items to discuss:
- Why the pilot for the reality show Get My Grandpa Out Of That Refrigerator! wasn't picked up
- Potato chips do not need to be refrigerated
- 1st annual Refrigerator Races: how do we get started?
February 5, 7:00 p.m. at Tamika and Joe's town house
** Randy's Ice Cube Museum vacation slide show: 9:00 p.m., garage refrigerator **
January 26, 2012
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
Brush My Teeth! - Season 3
Lemonade Stand - Season 1
Whose Hair Won't Catch On Fire?! - Final season w/deleted scenes
Will Anyone Date My Brother? - First season
Watch Me Eat Acorns - Season 2
$6 each
Miranda 555-7551
Brush My Teeth! - Season 3
Lemonade Stand - Season 1
Whose Hair Won't Catch On Fire?! - Final season w/deleted scenes
Will Anyone Date My Brother? - First season
Watch Me Eat Acorns - Season 2
$6 each
Miranda 555-7551
January 25, 2012
For sale
Peas
* 12 available
* Green
$.50 each or all 12 for $5
Dedrick 555-0100
** Ask about our payment plans **
* 12 available
* Green
$.50 each or all 12 for $5
Dedrick 555-0100
** Ask about our payment plans **
January 24, 2012
Obituary
Clarence Pershack
1921-2012
A long-time penguin runner in the black market mammal trade, Mr. Pershack died suddenly, Monday morning when he was trapped in his refrigerator and later perished in the vegetable crisper. A member of a number of political activist groups, including S.O.E.S. (separation of ear and sandwich), he helped organize the 1987 Brance County tree house boycotts and the 2002 omelet riots after the publicized police beatings of a carton of free-range. He is survived by a desk lamp and his imaginary psychologist, Dr. Rudolph.
Funeral services are scheduled for January 28 at 5:00 p.m., then we're headed to McCaffertys for trivia.
1921-2012
A long-time penguin runner in the black market mammal trade, Mr. Pershack died suddenly, Monday morning when he was trapped in his refrigerator and later perished in the vegetable crisper. A member of a number of political activist groups, including S.O.E.S. (separation of ear and sandwich), he helped organize the 1987 Brance County tree house boycotts and the 2002 omelet riots after the publicized police beatings of a carton of free-range. He is survived by a desk lamp and his imaginary psychologist, Dr. Rudolph.
Funeral services are scheduled for January 28 at 5:00 p.m., then we're headed to McCaffertys for trivia.
January 23, 2012
For sale
Movies on VHS
To be Engaged to a Mockingbird
Almost Earless
Karate Hippo 3
Arthritic Elbow of a Salesman
Rodney and the Envelope Factory
$4 each
Samantha 555-4337
To be Engaged to a Mockingbird
Almost Earless
Karate Hippo 3
Arthritic Elbow of a Salesman
Rodney and the Envelope Factory
$4 each
Samantha 555-4337
January 22, 2012
January 21, 2012
Openings
Raheem's Jellybeans
Grand opening!

Exciting new flavors:
* Toast
* Brandon Toe
* Peas & Carrots
* Leaves
* Horse Breath 1
* Bandaid
* Grandma Slipper
Raheem's - 220 Orwin Blvd., Plumptin
Grand opening!
Exciting new flavors:
* Toast
* Brandon Toe
* Peas & Carrots
* Leaves
* Horse Breath 1
* Bandaid
* Grandma Slipper
Raheem's - 220 Orwin Blvd., Plumptin
January 20, 2012
Meetings
Men Without Socks
January meeting
Items to discuss:
* Why sheets of lasagna are not adequate substitutes
* Last Saturday's square dance with the Women Without Teeth: what went wrong
* Please welcome our 2012 honorary member, Carl Percy: the man without ankles
January 21, 6:00 p.m. at the Qwerce Country Club, Kaynesport
January meeting
Items to discuss:
* Why sheets of lasagna are not adequate substitutes
* Last Saturday's square dance with the Women Without Teeth: what went wrong
* Please welcome our 2012 honorary member, Carl Percy: the man without ankles
January 21, 6:00 p.m. at the Qwerce Country Club, Kaynesport
For sale
Bulk fortune cookie messages
"I hope you didn't order the beef fried rice"
"D'Quantavius is not a name"
"A chance encounter with an ice cube will bring you luck"
"You have some wonton noodle in your hair"
"The small child next to you sneezed on the menu. We watched her do it"
Call for pricing list
Grinning Wok 555-8911
"I hope you didn't order the beef fried rice"
"D'Quantavius is not a name"
"A chance encounter with an ice cube will bring you luck"
"You have some wonton noodle in your hair"
"The small child next to you sneezed on the menu. We watched her do it"
Call for pricing list
Grinning Wok 555-8911
January 19, 2012
Meetings
Boristown High School yearbook staff
January meeting
On the agenda:
* "Weakest arms" and "ugliest sister" are not senior superlatives
* Vice principal Morris' toupee will not have its own page
* No matter how many photos they send, there's no such thing as The Keg Stand Club
January 20, 10:00 a.m. in media center
January meeting
On the agenda:
* "Weakest arms" and "ugliest sister" are not senior superlatives
* Vice principal Morris' toupee will not have its own page
* No matter how many photos they send, there's no such thing as The Keg Stand Club
January 20, 10:00 a.m. in media center
January 18, 2012
Award winner
2012 Build Your Dream House: 11th place
Congratulations to Horace, Vanessa, D'Keeshawn and the rest of the team.
- D. Morris
January 17, 2012
For sale
Documentaries on VHS
* "Hair conditioner drinking contest: 2006 nationals"
* "Waiter, there's a pair of socks in my soup: the closing of Capeechio's"
* "Let's get the Weavers a front door" (part 1)
* "The door doesn't fit" (part 2)
* "The Weavers moved" (part 3)
* "Following around my friend, Barry"
$6 each
Craig 555-9223
* "Hair conditioner drinking contest: 2006 nationals"
* "Waiter, there's a pair of socks in my soup: the closing of Capeechio's"
* "Let's get the Weavers a front door" (part 1)
* "The door doesn't fit" (part 2)
* "The Weavers moved" (part 3)
* "Following around my friend, Barry"
$6 each
Craig 555-9223
January 16, 2012
For sale
Mattress

* Brand-new
* Conveniently located in the woods
* Used in the filming of the 2010 reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Step-Dad?
$2
Ben 555-4501
* Brand-new
* Conveniently located in the woods
* Used in the filming of the 2010 reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Step-Dad?
$2
Ben 555-4501
January 15, 2012
For sale
I've received a number of ransom notes over the years and I'm finally selling some of my most valuable at bargain prices.
-"Bring to the place all your salami in unmarked, non-consecutive pieces of rye"
-"I have your mailbox flag"
-"I ran out of letters. Leave three magazines at 417 Hickory"
-"We have your napkin. If you ever want to get that spicy mustard from the corner of your mouth, meet by the dock, 9:00 p.m."
-"Give me back my ransom note"
Call for pricing list
Max 555-8710
-"Bring to the place all your salami in unmarked, non-consecutive pieces of rye"
-"I have your mailbox flag"
-"I ran out of letters. Leave three magazines at 417 Hickory"
-"We have your napkin. If you ever want to get that spicy mustard from the corner of your mouth, meet by the dock, 9:00 p.m."
-"Give me back my ransom note"
Call for pricing list
Max 555-8710
January 14, 2012
Announcement
Want to impress the opossumless sects? Get up at the crack of John in spinach shorts and stop wash and runny nose until you hear a horrorattack.
"Jockeying is the wonking of the new aluminum."
- Ernie
"Jockeying is the wonking of the new aluminum."
- Ernie
January 13, 2012
Car for sale
1983 Sherman ZE
* 266,000 miles
* Tires sold separately
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Drown?!
* Green bucket free with purchase
$83
Maurice 555-1988
January 12, 2012
Meetings
The Hair Cut - Store #42
Hair stylists meeting
Items to discuss:
* Offering the customers their old hair as opposed to a lollypop was not on the training video
* Please do not allow anyone to pay for their haircut in sea shells
* If a customer is holding a stopwatch while another is drinking shampoo, something went wrong with the haircut
January 13, 10:00 a.m.
Hair stylists meeting
Items to discuss:
* Offering the customers their old hair as opposed to a lollypop was not on the training video
* Please do not allow anyone to pay for their haircut in sea shells
* If a customer is holding a stopwatch while another is drinking shampoo, something went wrong with the haircut
January 13, 10:00 a.m.
January 11, 2012
January 10, 2012
January 9, 2012
Meetings
Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #226
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* The secret sauce does not include cigarette ash
* Please stop accepting airplane bottles of rum in exchange for chicken fingers
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of concerned looks, Patricia Henley
* There is no such thing as a wearing shorts tax
January 10, 9:30 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* The secret sauce does not include cigarette ash
* Please stop accepting airplane bottles of rum in exchange for chicken fingers
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of concerned looks, Patricia Henley
* There is no such thing as a wearing shorts tax
January 10, 9:30 a.m.
January 8, 2012
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
Sardine Shop - Season 2
Are You Dumber Than Wally? - Full series
Get Me Out Of This Bathtub! - Season 4
Watch Me Eat Crackers - Final season w/deleted scenes
We're Living In An Above-Ground Pool! - Season 5
$8 each
Javontae 555-4817
Sardine Shop - Season 2
Are You Dumber Than Wally? - Full series
Get Me Out Of This Bathtub! - Season 4
Watch Me Eat Crackers - Final season w/deleted scenes
We're Living In An Above-Ground Pool! - Season 5
$8 each
Javontae 555-4817
January 7, 2012
January 6, 2012
Destinations
Kaynesport Historical Society announces its newest addition: the world's first seesaw.

Call 555-4419 for tour schedules
Call 555-4419 for tour schedules
January 5, 2012
Services
Ready to start the countdown to 2013?
Begins January 8 at 1:00 p.m. at my place:
410 Derwood Manor, Kaynesport (Joe Maglio's old house).
Bobby Feathers
Begins January 8 at 1:00 p.m. at my place:
410 Derwood Manor, Kaynesport (Joe Maglio's old house).
Bobby Feathers
For sale
Movies on DVD
The Girl With The Gas Pump Tattoo
Overflowing Bathtub At Bernie's
Throw That's Guy's Luggage From The Train
The Greatest Customer Ever Put On Hold
$4 each
Mike 555-2339
The Girl With The Gas Pump Tattoo
Overflowing Bathtub At Bernie's
Throw That's Guy's Luggage From The Train
The Greatest Customer Ever Put On Hold
$4 each
Mike 555-2339
January 4, 2012
For sale
Used play scripts
Eggplant!
A Midsummer Night's Sneeze
The Phantom of the Middle School Football Booster Club Meeting
Combover of a Salesman
$5 each
Wendy 555-7588
Eggplant!
A Midsummer Night's Sneeze
The Phantom of the Middle School Football Booster Club Meeting
Combover of a Salesman
$5 each
Wendy 555-7588
January 3, 2012
Child for sale
Derrick
Age: 7
Pluses: Has third-grade connections.
Minuses: Doesn't know the capital of anywhere; picked his ear, ate it (July, 2009); left his jacket at school last Tuesday.
Favorite food: Chocolate syrup and cauliflower in a bowl of warm water.
Sleeps: About an hour per night on the kitchen counter.
What he wants to be when he grows up: "A crime-fighting eggplant".
$700
Beth & Troy 555-9112
* Interesting trades for pure-bred dachshunds considered
Age: 7
Pluses: Has third-grade connections.
Minuses: Doesn't know the capital of anywhere; picked his ear, ate it (July, 2009); left his jacket at school last Tuesday.
Favorite food: Chocolate syrup and cauliflower in a bowl of warm water.
Sleeps: About an hour per night on the kitchen counter.
What he wants to be when he grows up: "A crime-fighting eggplant".
$700
Beth & Troy 555-9112
* Interesting trades for pure-bred dachshunds considered
January 2, 2012
Meetings
Clock Watcher's Society - Plumptin chapter
January meeting
On the agenda:
* October 6, 2011, 4:40 p.m: a retrospective
* The record release party for Sandra's new album I Got The Quarter After Seven Blues has been moved to February 10th (7:15 p.m.)
* When is it going to be 11:40?
January 4, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters
January meeting
On the agenda:
* October 6, 2011, 4:40 p.m: a retrospective
* The record release party for Sandra's new album I Got The Quarter After Seven Blues has been moved to February 10th (7:15 p.m.)
* When is it going to be 11:40?
January 4, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters
January 1, 2012
For sale
1/2 plate of scrambled eggs
$2
Trent 555-3241
** Call in the next 45 minutes and receive a free piece of toast **
$2
Trent 555-3241
** Call in the next 45 minutes and receive a free piece of toast **
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