Announcements

The sandpaper-eating contest has been moved to February 25 in the East Annex, Plumptin.

Two divisions this year: 55-under and senior.

All competitors please remember to bring your celery helmet, cup of leaves and a drawing of a piece of bread.

- TBC staff

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"


* Fear of a clothed elephant
* Making a quiche out of a molehill
* The voices inside your soup
* Excessive stapling
* "I hate my step-father's laugh"
* Fear of harmonizing shampoo bottles


Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-0119

For sale

Couch




* Plenty of character/fire ants


$300
Kent 555-2332

Help wanted

Need help paying my cab fare


* $34.70 owed
* I'm on the sidewalk in front of the Beefy's Fast Food Hut, downtown Kaynesport
* Cherry air freshener potentially free with purchase


Hurry, many interested
Jerry 555-2291

Meetings

The Refrigerator Club
February meeting


Items to discuss:

- Why the pilot for the reality show Get My Grandpa Out Of That Refrigerator! wasn't picked up
- Potato chips do not need to be refrigerated
- 1st annual Refrigerator Races: how do we get started?


February 5, 7:00 p.m. at Tamika and Joe's town house




** Randy's Ice Cube Museum vacation slide show: 9:15 p.m., garage refrigerator **

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


Brush My Teeth! - Season 3
Lemonade Stand: Albuquerque- Season 1
Whose Hair Won't Catch On Fire?! - Final season w/deleted scenes
Watch Me Eat Acorns - Season 2


$6 each or $20 for all four
Miranda 555-7551

For sale

Peas


$.50 each or all 12 for $5
Dedrick  555-0100

** Ask about our payment plans **

Obituary

Charity Pershack
1921-2012

A long-time penguin runner in the black market mammal trade, Mrs. Pershack died suddenly, Monday morning when she was trapped in his refrigerator and later perished in the vegetable crisper. A member of a number of political activist groups, including S.O.E.S. (separation of ear and sandwich), she helped organize the 1987 Brance County tree house boycotts and the 2002 omelet riots after the publicized police beatings of a carton of free-range. She is survived by several desk lamps.

Funeral services are scheduled for January 28 at 5:00 p.m., then we're headed to McCaffertys for quarter draft hour.

For sale

Movies on VHS


To be Engaged to a Mockingbird
Almost Earless
Karate Hippo 3
Arthritic Elbow of a Salesman
Rodney and the Envelope Factory


$4 each
Samantha 555-4337

Services

Need your socks filled with sawdust?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Openings

Raheem's Jellybeans
Grand opening!




Exciting new flavors:

* Toast
* Brandon Toe
* Leaves
* Horse Breath 1
* Bandaid
* Grandma Slipper


Raheem's - 220 Orwin Blvd., Plumptin

Meetings

Men Without Socks
January meeting

Items to discuss:

* Why sheets of lasagna are not adequate substitutes
* Last Saturday's square dance with the Women Without Teeth: what went wrong
* Please welcome our 2012 honorary member, Carl Percy: the man without ankles


January 21, 6:00 p.m. at the Qwerce Country Club, Kaynesport

Meetings

Boristown High School yearbook staff
January meeting


On the agenda:

* "Weakest arms" and "ugliest sister" are not senior superlatives
* Vice principal Morris' toupee will not have its own page
* No matter how many photos they send, there's no such thing as The Keg Stand Club


January 20, 10:00 a.m. in media center

Award winner

2012 Build Your Dream House: 11th place

Congratulations to Horace, Vanessa, D'Keeshawn and the rest of the team.


- D. Morris

For sale

Documentaries on VHS


* "Hair conditioner drinking contest: 2006 nationals"
* "Waiter, there's a pair of socks in my soup: the closing of Capeechio's"
* "Let's get the Weavers a front door" (part 1)
* "The door doesn't fit" (part 2)
* "The Weavers moved" (part 3)
* "Following around my friend, Barry"


$6 each
Craig 555-9223

For sale

Mattress



* Brand-new
* Conveniently located in the woods
* Used in the filming of the 2010 reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Step-Dad?


$2
Ben 555-4501

For sale

I've received a number of ransom notes over the years and I'm finally selling some of my most valuable at bargain prices.


- "I have your mailbox flag"
- "I ran out of letters. Leave three magazines at 417 Hickory"
- "We have your napkin. Meet by the dock, 9:00 p.m."
- "Give me back my ransom note"


Call for pricing list
Max 555-8710

Announcement

Want to impress the opossumless sects? Get up at the crack of John in spinach shorts and stop wash and runny nose until you hear a horrorattack.

"Jockeying is the wonking of the new aluminum."

- Ernie

Car for sale

1983 Sherman ZE

* 266,000 miles
* Tires sold separately
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Drown?!
* Green bucket free with purchase


$83
Maurice 555-1988

Meetings

The Hair Cut - Store #42
Hair stylists meeting


Items to discuss:

* Please do not allow anyone to pay for their haircut in sea shells
* If a customer is holding a stopwatch while another is drinking shampoo, something went wrong with the haircut


January 13, 10:00 a.m.

Public Service Announcement

Talk to your toilet before it turns to a life in the woods.




Hotline: 555-2991

Services

Need Christmas trees eaten?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Opportunities

All-you-can-eat feathers

* For a limited time *


Bryson 555-6100

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #226
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The secret sauce does not include cigarette ash
* Please stop accepting airplane bottles of rum in exchange for chicken fingers
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of concerned looks, Patricia Henley
* There is no such thing as a wearing shorts tax


January 10, 9:30 a.m.

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


Are You Dumber Than Wally? - Full series
Get Me Out Of This Bathtub! - Season 4
Watch Me Eat Crackers - Final season w/deleted scenes
We're Living In An Above-Ground Pool! - Season 5


$8 each
Javontae 555-4817

For rent

Small block of ice




$5/hour
Harold 555-3443

Destinations

Kaynesport Historical Society announces its newest addition: the world's first seesaw.




Call 555-4419 for tour schedules

Services

Ready to start the countdown to 2013?

Begins January 8 at 1:00 p.m. at my place:
410 Derwood Manor, Kaynesport (Joe Maglio's old house).


Bobby Feathers

For sale

Movies on DVD

The Girl With The Gas Pump Tattoo
Overflowing Bathtub At Bernie's
Throw That's Guy's Luggage From The Train
The Greatest Customer Ever Put On Hold


$4 each
Mike 555-2339

For sale

Used play scripts


Eggplant!
A Midsummer Night's Sneeze
The Phantom of the Middle School Football Booster Club Meeting
Combover of a Salesman


$5 each
Wendy 555-7588

Child for sale

Derrick
Age: 7

Pluses: Has third-grade connections.
Minuses: Doesn't know the capital of anywhere; picked his ear, ate it (July, 2009); left his jacket at school last Tuesday.
Favorite food: Chocolate syrup and cauliflower in a bowl of warm water.
Sleeps: About an hour per night on the kitchen counter.
What he wants to be when he grows up: "A crime-fighting eggplant".


$700
Beth & Troy 555-9112


* Interesting trades for pure-bred dachshunds considered

Meetings

Clock Watcher's Society - Plumptin chapter
January meeting


On the agenda:

* October 6, 2011, 4:40 p.m: a retrospective
* The record release party for Sandra's new album I Got The Quarter After Seven Blues has been moved to February 10th (7:15 p.m.)
* When is it going to be 11:40?


January 4, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters

For sale

Pine cone sandwich

* Fresh
* Comes with one additional pine cone


$2
Ivan 555-8111

For sale

1/2 plate of scrambled eggs


$2
Trent 555-3241


** Call in the next 45 minutes and receive a free piece of toast **