January 31, 2014

For sale

Portions of phone book

* F-L & P-R available for Shermer County
* Free law office refrigerator magnet with purchase
* Appeared in the 2014 documentary Calling Linda Ralston Again

$6 or best offer
Calvin  555-6460

January 30, 2014

January 29, 2014


Advice lady for hire

* Don't polish your furniture with raspberry preserves
* What not to shout at a middle school play
* Wearing a blouse and skirt into the shower
* Stop brushing your teeth with malt vinegar
* You can't take a vegetable peeler to a gun fight
* Where to/where not to take your turtle for a walk at a funeral

Call for hourly rates
Belinda  555-1113

January 28, 2014

January 27, 2014


Friends of Ron Donaldson
January meeting

On the agenda:

* Our field trip to the fire ant hill on Ron's front lawn has been moved to February 9th
* Are the fingernails on Ron's left hand too long?
* Ron doesn't like artichokes anymore

January 30, 4:30 p.m. at Greg's condo

January 26, 2014

TV listings

WDER's new Sunday lineup

7:00 p.m. - Harriet & Kevin Rap The Weather
7:30 p.m. - F.P.C.H. (Finding Pine Cones a Home) weekly meeting telecast
8:30 p.m. - Looking For Contact Lenses With The Stars
9:30 p.m. - How Many Pretzel Crumbs Are On Barry's Shirt?


Kaynesport - channel 23
Ookamondo - channel 44
East Plumptin - channel 37
Durly Valley - channel 56
Chunce County - channel 9

January 25, 2014


Need something buttoned or zippered up?

Shirts: $3 per buttoning
Jackets: $5 (button or zipper)
Pants: seasonal

Joe Maglio  555-9995

January 24, 2014

For sale


* Blue
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Musical Chairs: 2nd Grade
* Must re-assemble yourself

D'Angelo  555-4008

January 23, 2014


In the produce section of the grocery store the other day I was licking several vegetables and offered part of each vegetable for you to lick.

I noticed you weren't able to take your eyes off of me.

What liquid was spilling out of my shoes?

Harold  555-7600

January 22, 2014

January 21, 2014


Sandcastle building contest

The Bobby Classifieds - 28th place

January 20, 2014

Public Service Announcement

Save the sunflower seeds

Help us keep the shells on

Call  555-0017

January 19, 2014


Calendar Watchers
Winter, 2014 meeting

On the agenda:

* Remembering November, 2013
* Days We Can Do Without with Dr. Elroy Riles, Part 10: May 9th
* Tuesdays: Q&A

January 22, 7:00 p.m. at Rodney's apartment

January 18, 2014

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared in a water stain on my ceiling. There is also a whitish-brown holy mark near Jesus' left ear that I believe is a sign of the lord blessing us.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my kitchen.

Viewings now and until the end of February.

$140/half hour
844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

January 17, 2014


Need a light bulb changed?

Tired of Joe Maglio changing the light bulb, then staying at your house all day and keeping the lights on the entire time, then taking the bulb back and leaving?

You have other options.

Vinnie Maglio  555-1188

January 16, 2014

Featured works

This month's Bobby Classifieds Featured Works is graffiti artist LJIL

LJIL exhibition now through February 1 at Kaynesport Gallery - 310 Derwood Street, downtown

January 15, 2014


Adopt a portion of my living room wall

* Close proximity to the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard
* Appeared in the public access TV show Pointing At Walls With Paul
* One dachshund (age 2) available for adoption as well

Paul  555-6671

January 14, 2014

Casting call

The Derwood Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Death of a Salesman's Station Wagon.

* Young Julio
* Lettuce whisperer
* Eggplant Face band manager Clarence Crawford
* T.W.H. (Tomatoes Without Homes) regional director
* Murray, the ceiling fan of wisdom
* Pierre: half-man, half-salami sandwich
* Pita Bread Girl/Pita Bread Girl alter-ego Melanie Blake
* Voice of the singing stop sign

** We're also looking for an actor to portray Jesus Christ, but in an elephant costume **

Auditions are February 8 from 11:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. at Derwood Playhouse: 450 Venley Avenue, Kaynesport

January 13, 2014


Friends of Rory Bainbridge
January meeting

On the agenda:

* Rory no longer likes to wear tube socks
* Last December's accidental surprise birthday party for Corey Cambridge: Q&A
* Our field trip to the spot where Rory defeated Kenny Garrison in the 50-yard dash in fourth grade has been moved to March 18th
* Rory doesn't eat watermelon anymore

January 15, 5:30 p.m. at Mike's condo

January 12, 2014

For sale

Piece of broccoli

* Plastic, but still edible with the right condiment
* Appeared in the 2013 film Babysitter Hippo
* Free four-year old with purchase

$18 or best offer
Janet  555-2298

** Also available: real broccoli **

January 11, 2014

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Countdown To 6:15 p.m.: Reno
* How Many Sunflower Seed Shells Are Under The Seat Of My Car?!
* My Elbow Hurts! - season 2
* Let's Glue Tortilla Chips To That Old Woman - season 1

$6 each
Hal  555-2291

January 10, 2014

For sale

A guy named Keith

$400 or best offer
Keith   555-4669

January 9, 2014


Looking to purchase a few items for a play I'm working on.

* One 4 x 6 piece of orange construction paper
* Something with the word LAZY BULLFROG spray painted on it
* A work ID badge for a man named Wayne
* One 8-ounce cup of sawdust
* AUDITIONS TODAY signs (need about 5)

** I'm also looking for someone who can talk an old woman out from under a bed. No experience necessary. **

Diane  555-9976

January 8, 2014


Need potato chips crumbs picked off your shirt and eaten?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

January 7, 2014

For sale


$1 each or all six for $5
Wendy  555-3449

January 6, 2014


I was ahead of you in the grocery store deli line the other day. I had bought several pounds of lunch meat and was adding slice after slice to my pile and then trying to skateboard over it.

I asked you to be one of the judges for my next run and I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.

Which color gravy was all over my shirt?

Gavin  555-3300

January 5, 2014

For rent


Age: 43


* Ate Derwood County record 14 pine cones (March, 1992)
* Voted "best smile" in high school yearbook (June, 1996)
* Once mimed brushing his teeth for over seven consecutive minutes
* Extra in the 2002 film Wasp Nests At Tiffany's
* Recently was assistant coach on the Tigers youth basketball team that went 4-7

Evelyn  555-0126

** Hurry, Candice is interested **

January 4, 2014

For sale

Empty soy sauce packet collection

* Over 500
* Comes with some free soy sauce

Entire collection or individual packets available
Tim  555-3228

January 3, 2014

For rent

Couch space

* Seats four ferrets comfortably
* Some vomit on right side
* Couch's location is in close proximity to peanut shell road 7

$8/half hour
Stefan  555-1191

January 2, 2014

For sale

Documentaries on DVD

* Buying Celery
* Watching Paul Watch A Nature Documentary
* Returning Celery

$5/copy or all three for $12
Percy  555-1110

January 1, 2014


Sweet potato

[Age progression photo from 12 hours ago]

We've lost one of our sweet potatoes, missing since Tuesday evening.

Beverly or Titus  555-8770

* Reward avocado offered *