December 31, 2010


Need to coax a mule down from a roof?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 30, 2010

Help wanted

My car is buried in snow. And my mother-in-law, Diane is down there somewhere. I need someone with a shovel or a new car and a stand-in mother-in-law (for reference: photo available upon request).

Claire 555-8962

* Free snow also available *

December 29, 2010


McCan the Advice Man
For hire

* What happens in the garbage disposal stays in the garbage disposal
* Don't paint your walls with mayonnaise
* Wearing a trench coat into the pool
* An apricot is not a pet
* Don't make a casserole out of a molehill

Call for rates and availability
McCan 555-6884

December 28, 2010

For sale

2011 calendars


* Mailmen Named Dale
* The Girls of Shampoo Taster Magazine
* 12 Months of Envelopes


* Greg Sanderson-Fact-A-Day
* 365 Days of Cantaloupe

Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8010

December 27, 2010


What the Book? reading group
2011 kick-off meeting

Books to discuss:

What to Expect When You're Expecting A Guy Named Kevin - Ivan Layne
The Encyclopedia of Carpet Stains Shaped Like Broccoli - Chocolate House Publishing
A Child Called 'Pretzel' - Samantha McCreary

January 2, 4:00 p.m. at Hillary's condo

For sale


- Unnamed
- Seven days old
- Likes to eat infant hair and goldfish

Mike 555-7615 (my mom's phone)

December 26, 2010

For sale

Brand-new video games

Salad Dressing Man vs. China
Corey Gallagher: Escape from the Washing Machine
Air Guitar Hero
Retirement Home: Exercise Lawn
Call of Taxi Cab

$15 each
Natalie  555-0340

December 25, 2010

Christmas Personal Ads


I've got a ton of mistletoe to eat.

Call me.

Ron box 81902

Snowman-building contest participant (1974-1995); won the '77 and '84 Frostys. I'm now a celebrity judge, so, plenty of perks. Voted "tallest" in high school yearbook (June, 1972).

Alan box 80444


SBF, age 36. Just looking for a man to go with me to an office Christmas party so I don't have to go with my uncle Derwood again.

Turn ons: real talk about highway rest stop hand driers.

Chantelle box 63436


Tall, green tree. Fake.

Gary box 29910


Madeline's Antique Shop
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

- We do not have a drive thru
- Please stop accepting cans of soup as currency
- Mr. Adamson is not for sale

December 27, 10:00 a.m.

December 24, 2010


Need a shoe walked in?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Christmas tree

* Thrown-up rice/vodka stuck to back left corner
* Presents included w/tree:

- Flying pepperoni tie
- Something laughing wrapped in newspaper

Andy and Jennifer 555-8919

** Dead mouse in tree stand sold separately **

December 23, 2010


Kaynesport Carolers
Pre-Christmas Eve meeting

On the agenda:

* There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for menthol cigarettes

Tonight, 7:00 p.m. at headquarters

December 22, 2010

For sale

Unleaded gas

- Six gallons
- Comes in tupperware (free with purchase)

I'm at the Stopmart on Old Kaynesport, pump 9.

Terry 555-6119

For sale

Cd singles

Christmas singles:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Timothy's Mommy
- Peggy Cliff
The Balding Drummer Man - Carl Kringle


Wheelbarrow to Heaven - Slay Parker Trio
Call the Pinch Police, Volume 3 - JJ (featuring Lil' Pancake)
Deodorant Beneath My Wings - Delaney Sisters

$4 each
Toby 555-4682

December 21, 2010


The Men Under Rachel Orson's Dining Room Table
Winter meeting

On the agenda:

* Rachel's toe ring: Q&A
* The piece of lettuce Grandpa Orson dropped during Thanksgiving dinner is still available at our merchandise table
* Rachel doesn't like green tea anymore

December 26, 1:00 p.m.

December 20, 2010


Life coach for hire

Audrey Simmons
- Life coach since 2004
- Youth tennis coach (1995-2003)

* Getting out from under your couch and staying out
* Don't put cat whiskers in your soup
* Only wear one pair of shoes at a time
* What not to scream at an elementary school recital

Call for rates and availability

December 19, 2010

For sale


Salad Olympics Quarterly (August, 2000)
337 Minute Meals (September, 2003)
Acorn Sympathizer (July 2, 1982)

$3 each
Paul 555-8102

December 18, 2010

For sale

Domain names

$8 each
Nadine 555-1002

For sale


* Three raw, two cooked available
* Ask about our payment options

Randy  555-8338

December 17, 2010


Kaynesport Blue youth football
Team banquet - December 21 at the Yoltz Ballroom

Schedule of events:

6:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by Sabbasobi
7:05 p.m. - Speech by coach Abrams: "What a 1-6-2 season means"
8:00 p.m. - Awards

- Scrawniest arms
- Most attractive older sister
- Most memorable fall down
- Worst hand-off

9:45 p.m. - Slide show: "A Season of Nose Bleeds"
10:30 p.m. - Let's steal assistant coach Bailey's sneakers and put them somewhere
11:00 p.m. - Security escort to the basement
11:15 p.m. - Security escort to the parking garage

Yoltz Ballroom - 576 Wiley Circle, East Plumptin

December 16, 2010


A Novel Concept book club
Winter meeting

Book to discuss:

* Idiot's Guide to the Ketchup Packet - Ed. Thomas Lertz

December 18, 6:00 p.m. at Lanette's condo


Freelance high school guidance counselor for hire

* The quickest way to the auxiliary gym
* Careers in mud
* "They took all of the chairs out of my office, pull up a garbage bag full of doughnuts"

Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8119

December 15, 2010

For sale


- Seats 11 rabbits or 3 humans comfortably

Pete 555-4558

December 14, 2010


Big gong help the lady love your bedtub show. Urban handsomes boost drying and strengths for Melido.

Test dose free or your money back.



Chuck's Chicken
Staff Meeting

On the agenda:

* Please do not sell beer out a personal cooler at the drive thru window
* Our birthday song does not include the words "stupid" and "moron"

December 15, 3:30 p.m.

December 13, 2010

For sale


* Green
* Comes with three ear hairs
* Used in the filming of the hit reality television show We're Living in the Bathtub! 3

Byron 555-3663


Call 555-3314 to register/free eggplant

December 12, 2010


Advice Man for hire

"Today is the first day of the rest of your week"

* You burn it you bought it
* Don't put sausage in your milk
* A watermelon is not a pet
* Bringing an umbrella into the shower
* Don't pour apple sauce into your socks before putting them on

Call for hourly rates
Ben  555-8916

December 11, 2010

New Bobby T-Shirts For Sale

$7 each
email to order


Need furniture sat in?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 10, 2010


Charles Pickford

The founding member of the political activist group S.A.C. (Separation of Antler & Cake), he died doing what he loved: screaming obsentities at his desk lamp. One of the great air drummers of all time, Charles was also a multiple gold medal winner at the 1984 Office Supply Olympics. He is survived by a drawing of a donkey.

December 9, 2010

For sale

Gas bill

* $73.46 due immediately

Gwen  555-7291

** Hurry, Brent and maybe Jenna are interested **


Friends of Matt Nopler
December meeting

Items to discuss:

* When we go Christmas caroling this year, we can not share the same pair of pants again
* Matt doesn't like lima beans anymore

December 10, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters

December 8, 2010

For sale


Air Guitar (February, 1987; April, 1989; May, 1989)
Falling off the Roof (December, 2004)
Whine (March, 2007; April, 2007)

$4 each
Daniel 555-6339

December 7, 2010


Nelly Deen's Jelly Beans
Grand opening!

New gourmet flavors:

* Roast Beef
* Kitten Paw
* Light Ranch
* Envelope
* Nelly Eyelash
* Cauliflower Surprise
* Olive Breath
* Cucumber Confetti

Nelly's - 395 Louis Lane, Plumptin


Bumbo's Bar & Grill
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to bring home their plates and silverware
* Burnin' Down the Bar is no longer a Karaoke selection
* Please stop accepting pen caps as currency

December 8, 11:00 a.m.

December 6, 2010


Noodle Paco's Movie House
Grand re-opening!

"We got rid of the possums, ya'll!"

Winter, 2010 movies:

The Greatest Towel To Ever Fold
Potato Salad, Interrupted
The Below-Average Mrs. Ripley
Hockey Fish 2
Honey, I Sneezed on the Kids

Noodle Paco's - 446 Quickum Trace, Kaynesport

December 5, 2010

For sale


* Once belonged to Ernie Gladwell
* Perfect for that special someone in your life

Eric 555-6629

** Leaves sold separately **

December 4, 2010


Psychiatrist for hire

* The voices inside your toothbrush
* "I make gumbo and pour it into my neighbors' mailboxes"
* Inadequacy in the coat check room
* Giant forks invade Salad City
* Tape measure envy
* Snowman war nightmares/fear of carrots

Call for rates and availability
Susan Everton 555-2010

December 3, 2010

For sale

Used workout videos

Time to Blubbersize! - $7
At Least Do One Sit Up - $10

Sebastian 555-8175

December 2, 2010


Mejia's Mexican Restaurant is closing its doors after 15 years. Come help us celebrate our last night, December 7.

Final night schedule:

7:00 p.m. - Star Spangled Banner, performed by Ernie (wooden spoons on teeth)
7:10 p.m. - Queso Dunk Tank semi finals/finals
8:00 p.m. - Let's try and get Horace Gallego drunk
10:00 p.m. - "My Mejia's Moment", featuring some of our regular customer's favorite memories:

* The night Janet fell asleep in the tortilla maker
* The birth of Terrence Jr. at table 19
* Christmas Party, 1998 (Darren plays the harmonica and cries under the mistletoe)

12:00 a.m. - Police escort to supply shed
12:15 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot

December 7 at Mejia's - 175 Cuppert Avenue, Kaynesport

December 1, 2010


Rorinson Printing Company

* Directions to Darren's house
* Beware of Grandmother's Ashes signs
* Ransom notes now available on red and pink paper
* Brussel sprout war peace treaties
* All-You-Can-Paper Clip Fridays

And more!

Rorinson Printing Co.
310 Asherminn Court, Burp County

For sale

1/2 roll

Ben 555-4781