Services

Need to coax a mule down from a roof?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Help wanted

My car is buried in snow. And my mother-in-law, Diane is down there somewhere. I need someone with a shovel or a new car and a stand-in mother-in-law (for reference: photo available upon request).


Claire 555-8962


* Free snow also available *

Services

McCan the Advice Man
For hire


* What happens in the garbage disposal stays in the garbage disposal
* Don't paint your walls with mayonnaise
* Wearing a trench coat into the pool
* An apricot is not a pet
* Don't make a casserole out of a molehill


Call for rates and availability
McCan 555-6884

For sale

2011 calendars

Wall:

* Mailmen Named Dale
* The Girls of Shampoo Taster Magazine
* 12 Months of Envelopes

Desk:

* Greg Sanderson-Fact-A-Day
* 365 Days of Cantaloupe


Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8010

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
2011 kick-off meeting


Books to discuss:

What to Expect When You're Expecting A Guy Named Kevin - Ivan Layne
The Encyclopedia of Carpet Stains Shaped Like Broccoli - Chocolate House Publishing
A Child Called 'Pretzel' - Samantha McCreary


January 2, 4:00 p.m. at Hillary's condo

For sale

Puppy

- Unnamed
- Seven days old
- Likes to eat infant hair and goldfish


$10
Mike 555-7615 (my mom's phone)

For sale

Brand-new video games


Salad Dressing Man vs. China
Corey Gallagher: Escape from the Washing Machine
Air Guitar Hero
Retirement Home: Exercise Lawn
Call of Taxi Cab


$15 each
Natalie  555-0340

Christmas Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


I've got a ton of mistletoe to eat.

Call me.

Ron box 81902


Snowman-building contest participant (1974-1995); won the '77 and '84 Frostys. I'm now a celebrity judge, so, plenty of perks. Voted "tallest" in high school yearbook (June, 1972).

Alan box 80444


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


SBF, age 36. Just looking for a man to go with me to an office Christmas party so I don't have to go with my uncle Derwood again.

Turn ons: real talk about highway rest stop hand driers.

Chantelle box 63436


OTHER


Tall, green tree. Fake.

Gary box 29910

Meetings

Madeline's Antique Shop
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

- We do not have a drive thru
- Please stop accepting cans of soup as currency
- Mr. Adamson is not for sale


December 27, 10:00 a.m.

Services

Need a shoe walked in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Christmas tree

* Thrown-up rice/vodka stuck to back left corner
* Presents included w/tree:

- Flying pepperoni tie
- Something laughing wrapped in newspaper


$20
Andy and Jennifer 555-8919

** Dead mouse in tree stand sold separately **

Meetings

Kaynesport Carolers
Pre-Christmas Eve meeting


On the agenda:

* There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for menthol cigarettes


Tonight, 7:00 p.m. at headquarters

For sale

Unleaded gas

- Six gallons
- Comes in tupperware (free with purchase)

I'm at the Stopmart on Old Kaynesport, pump 9.


$24
Terry 555-6119

For sale

Cd singles


Christmas singles:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Timothy's Mommy - Peggy Cliff
The Balding Drummer Man - Carl Kringle

Other:

Wheelbarrow to Heaven - Slay Parker Trio
Call the Pinch Police, Volume 3 - JJ (featuring Lil' Pancake)
Deodorant Beneath My Wings - Delaney Sisters


$4 each
Toby 555-4682

Meetings

The Men Under Rachel Orson's Dining Room Table
Winter meeting


On the agenda:

* Rachel's toe ring: Q&A
* The piece of lettuce Grandpa Orson dropped during Thanksgiving dinner is still available at our merchandise table
* Rachel doesn't like green tea anymore


December 26, 1:00 p.m.

Services

Life coach for hire

Audrey Simmons
- Life coach since 2004
- Youth tennis coach (1995-2003)


* Getting out from under your couch and staying out
* Don't put cat whiskers in your soup
* Only wear one pair of shoes at a time
* What not to scream at an elementary school recital


Call for rates and availability
555-2877

For sale

Magazines


Salad Olympics Quarterly (August, 2000)
337 Minute Meals (September, 2003)
Acorn Sympathizer (July 2, 1982)


$3 each
Paul 555-8102

For sale

Domain names

coleslawfightsonvideo.blogspot.com
moviescripts.vmd/thegreatesttoweltoeverfold
celebritiescoughing.blogspot.com
blainecollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics/mensshoutingatcanopeners
walletkeepers.com/1993northamericanarenatour
goldfisheatingcontests.com/pastchampions_clarencepershack
duringtheblackout.wordpress.com/foodundercouch


$8 each
Nadine 555-1002

For sale

Carrots

* Three raw, two cooked available
* Ask about our payment options


Randy  555-8338

Events

Kaynesport Blue youth football
Team banquet - December 21 at the Yoltz Ballroom


Schedule of events:

6:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by Sabbasobi
7:05 p.m. - Speech by coach Abrams: "What a 1-6-2 season means"
8:00 p.m. - Awards

- Scrawniest arms
- Most attractive older sister
- Most memorable fall down
- Worst hand-off

9:45 p.m. - Slide show: "A Season of Nose Bleeds"
10:30 p.m. - Let's steal assistant coach Bailey's sneakers and put them somewhere
11:00 p.m. - Security escort to the basement
11:15 p.m. - Security escort to the parking garage


Yoltz Ballroom - 576 Wiley Circle, East Plumptin

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
Winter meeting


Book to discuss:

* Idiot's Guide to the Ketchup Packet - Ed. Thomas Lertz


December 18, 6:00 p.m. at Lanette's condo

Services

Freelance high school guidance counselor for hire


* The quickest way to the auxiliary gym
* Careers in mud
* "They took all of the chairs out of my office, pull up a garbage bag full of doughnuts"


Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8119

For sale

Couch




- Seats 11 rabbits or 3 humans comfortably


$70
Pete 555-4558

Services

Big gong help the lady love your bedtub show. Urban handsomes boost drying and strengths for Melido.

Test dose free or your money back.


Qwenalikin
555-2010

Meetings

Chuck's Chicken
Staff Meeting


On the agenda:

* Please do not sell beer out a personal cooler at the drive thru window
* Our birthday song does not include the words "stupid" and "moron"


December 15, 3:30 p.m.

For sale

Soap



* Green
* Comes with three ear hairs
* Used in the filming of the hit reality television show We're Living in the Bathtub! 3


$12
Byron 555-3663

Advertisements

Call 555-3314 to register/free eggplant

Services

Advice Man for hire

"Today is the first day of the rest of your week"


* You burn it you bought it
* Don't put sausage in your milk
* A watermelon is not a pet
* Bringing an umbrella into the shower
* Don't pour apple sauce into your socks before putting them on


Call for hourly rates
Ben  555-8916

New Bobby T-Shirts For Sale

$7 each
email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

Services

Need furniture sat in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Obituary

Charles Pickford
1910-2010

The founding member of the political activist group S.A.C. (Separation of Antler & Cake), he died doing what he loved: screaming obsentities at his desk lamp. One of the great air drummers of all time, Charles was also a multiple gold medal winner at the 1984 Office Supply Olympics. He is survived by a drawing of a donkey.

For sale

Gas bill

* $73.46 due immediately

$60
Gwen  555-7291


** Hurry, Brent and maybe Jenna are interested **

Meetings

Friends of Matt Nopler
December meeting


Items to discuss:

* When we go Christmas caroling this year, we can not share the same pair of pants again
* Matt doesn't like lima beans anymore


December 10, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters

For sale

Magazines

Air Guitar (February, 1987; April, 1989; May, 1989)
Falling off the Roof (December, 2004)
Whine (March, 2007; April, 2007)


$4 each
Daniel 555-6339

Openings

Nelly Deen's Jelly Beans
Grand opening!


New gourmet flavors:

* Roast Beef
* Kitten Paw
* Light Ranch
* Envelope
* Nelly Eyelash
* Cauliflower Surprise
* Olive Breath
* Cucumber Confetti


Nelly's - 395 Louis Lane, Plumptin

Meetings

Bumbo's Bar & Grill
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to bring home their plates and silverware
* Burnin' Down the Bar is no longer a Karaoke selection
* Please stop accepting pen caps as currency


December 8, 11:00 a.m.

Openings

Noodle Paco's Movie House
Grand re-opening!

"We got rid of the possums, ya'll!"

Winter, 2010 movies:

The Greatest Towel To Ever Fold
Potato Salad, Interrupted
The Below-Average Mrs. Ripley
Hockey Fish 2
Honey, I Sneezed on the Kids


Noodle Paco's - 446 Quickum Trace, Kaynesport

For sale

Bone



* Once belonged to Ernie Gladwell
* Perfect for that special someone in your life


$22
Eric 555-6629

** Leaves sold separately **

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* The voices inside your toothbrush
* "I make gumbo and pour it into my neighbors' mailboxes"
* Inadequacy in the coat check room
* Giant forks invade Salad City
* Tape measure envy
* Snowman war nightmares/fear of carrots


Call for rates and availability
Susan Everton 555-2010

For sale

Used workout videos

Time to Blubbersize! - $7
At Least Do One Sit Up - $10


Sebastian 555-8175

Closings

Mejia's Mexican Restaurant is closing its doors after 15 years. Come help us celebrate our last night, December 7.




Final night schedule:

7:00 p.m. - Star Spangled Banner, performed by Ernie (wooden spoons on teeth)
7:10 p.m. - Queso Dunk Tank semi finals/finals
8:00 p.m. - Let's try and get Horace Gallego drunk
10:00 p.m. - "My Mejia's Moment", featuring some of our regular customer's favorite memories:

* The night Janet fell asleep in the tortilla maker
* The birth of Terrence Jr. at table 19
* Christmas Party, 1998 (Darren plays the harmonica and cries under the mistletoe)

12:00 a.m. - Police escort to supply shed
12:15 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot


December 7 at Mejia's - 175 Cuppert Avenue, Kaynesport

Services

Rorinson Printing Company


* Directions to Darren's house
* Beware of Grandmother's Ashes signs
* Ransom notes now available on red and pink paper
* Brussel sprout war peace treaties
* All-You-Can-Paper Clip Fridays

And more!


Rorinson Printing Co.
310 Asherminn Court, Burp County

For sale

1/2 roll




$4
Ben 555-4781