September 30, 2013

September 29, 2013


I fell off a riding lawnmower right in front of you as you were walking on the sidewalk the other day.

I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.

What brand of chocolate bar was all over my hands?

Dale  555-4330

September 28, 2013


The 1st annual Kaynesport Film Festival is almost here!

Films to be screened:

Things We Lost in the Sauerkraut
All the President's Hens
Throw Momma's Orthopedic Back Pillow from the Train
Garden Snakes of Wrath
The Greatest Scrambled Eggs To Ever Go Cold

Plus, the newest documentary film from director Claus Percy:

Lady at a Film Festival

October 19 at the Derwood Filmhouse - 4500 Poog Blvd., Kaynesport

September 27, 2013


Need pools swam in?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

September 26, 2013


Former rain puddle

We'll be convening at the corner of Delwood Lane & Piso Street in Kaynesport to honor the life of a once-great rain puddle.

Special events include:

* Eulogy by Reverend Donnie Craig: The next generation of rain puddles
* Peggy Cliff sings her new single "When's it gonna rain again?"
* Worm adoptions

Puddle in its prime, last Friday

Saturday, 4:00 p.m.
For more information call Stacey at 555-4955

September 25, 2013


Some popcorn

[age progression photo from a few minutes ago]

* Missing since this morning
* Last seen as un-popped kernels. We're very worried.
* Reward potato chips offered

Fred & Liza  555-0112

September 24, 2013


I'd like to find a mirror to look into or at least someone to tell me if this top looks alright on me.

Willing to provide any of my dad's stupid tennis trophies in exchange for services.

Caitlyn  555-8772

September 23, 2013


Friends of Lenny Baddamor
September meeting

On the agenda:

* We've added the following items to the winter auction: a sleeve from Lenny's leather jacket, some lettuce Lenny didn't eat in July
* January 16, 2009: the day we met Bennie Lattamore
* Our field trip to Lenny's little league dugout has been moved to November 4th
* Lenny doesn't like eggplant anymore

September 26, 7:30 p.m. at Claire's apartment complex gazebo

September 22, 2013


Need the correct time?

* Any time before 3:15 p.m. - $3 for each time given
* 3:15 p.m.-9:59 p.m. - $4
* 10:00 p.m. or later - $1 + 15-second back rub

Joe Maglio  555-9995

September 21, 2013

TV listings

WDER's Saturday reality TV lineup

7:30 p.m. - Alarm Clock Swap
8:00 p.m. - My Feet Hurt! (season 5 reunion show)
8:30 p.m. - Who Won't Shower?!
9:00 p.m. - Is Your Breath Worse Than A Third Grader's?
10:00 p.m. - Baseball Groundskeeper Wives


Kaynesport - channel 23
Ookamondo - channel 44
East Plumptin - channel 37
Durly Valley - channel 56

September 20, 2013

For sale

My child's art work

* "Mr.  Tomlinson" - original crayon on construction paper
* Three-year old (female human) & 17-day old (guinea pig) free with purchase

Call for pricing list
Andy & Paige  555-7444

September 19, 2013

September 18, 2013


I'm looking to purchase one right-footed bowling shoe, preferably blue and a men's size between 10-13.

Willing to pay as much as $9 or the equivalent in bird seed.

Jarrett  555-3220

September 17, 2013


What the Book? reading group
September meeting

Books to discuss:

* The Photographic Encyclopedia of People Pointing at Rain Puddles - Chocolate House Publishing
* A Child Called 'Elbow' - Evelyn Stradmore
* The Idiot's Guide to Standing in Line - Lavellecronin Publishing

September 20, 5:30 p.m. at Janelle's condo

September 16, 2013

For sale

Photograph collection

Thousands of pictures, including:

* Glenn asleep with corn chips in his nose
* "Ant Hill III."
* 2009 Kaynesport Aztecs little league team photo (missing Zach Lacy, 2B)
* Unidentified blue thing
* Grape
* Martin's wedding toast (w/pants zipper down and two cocktail shrimp tails in hair)
* Carpet stain in shape of thin Santa Claus (RARE)

Individual photos or entire collection available
Lisa 555-8337

September 15, 2013


Adopt a portion of my front lawn

* Close proximity to sea shell road 6
* Appeared in the reality TV show Cutting The Grass With Scissors With The Stars
* One dog (age 6) and one human child (age 7) available for adoption as well

Call 555-2871 for more information

September 14, 2013

For sale

Cat food

More than 50 pieces available

.20 each or $8.50 for whole lot
Sandy  555-2271

** Free cat with purchase **

September 13, 2013


Kaynesport Historical Society
Fall museum schedule

Now open:

* Museum of Many Staircases
* Snowmen of the World
* The Museum of Half-Eaten Raisin Toast
* History of the Spoken Worm
* Museum With One Restroom

Call 555-3341 for schedule and ticketing

September 12, 2013

September 11, 2013

For sale

Joe Maglio memorabilia

Top items available:

- Maglio Corn Chip Beard™ (11 available)
- Photograph of Joe pointing at a pile of leaves on the set of Pointing At Leaves With Steve
- Maglio Muffins™ (six available)
- Photograph of Joe & heavyweight boxer Moe Jaglio

* Everything MUST go *

Cynthia Maglio  555-9995

September 10, 2013

Public Service Announcement

You can help prevent young produce from getting too close to the wall sockets.

September 24, vote "yes" on proposition 488.

Other prop bills to be voted on:

91: Separate but equal: ice cubes
513: Ban the use of percussion instruments underwater
107: The legality of nail polish remover on pizza

September 9, 2013

Item found

Work ID badge

I found this badge last Friday outside my apartment building, next to a bunch of leaves.

I tried using it today at work, but everyone kept saying "Stewart? I thought your name was Paul." So, it's time to reunite the badge with its owner.

If it's yours, give me a call. I'm not looking for any reward money, but I've been trying to get my hands on some rubber bands for a while. Maybe we can work out a trade.

Paul  555-4002

* Also have several leaves available for purchase *

September 8, 2013


The Plumptin Buffaloes 40+ adult baseball fall team has been selected!

Final cut list
(* returning player)

1. Ainsworth Sha
2. B'Bryson Potz
3. * Hoyt Nippins
4. Norris Okweedle
5. Derwood Zeoli
6. * Celeryfingers
7. * Eddie Aguayo
8. Winston Mudsuit
9. Haugustus LaRocca
10. * McQweese Lood
11. * Ellis Aguayo
12. Pinecone Hurdock
13. * Harmondo Viti
14. * P'Sandeep Ahmet
15. Jo he Jo Pong
16. Shaqmarcus Lester
17. * Jobeek Alomar

First practice: September 18, 6:00 p.m. at field 7

Pre-practice schedule:

5:30 p.m. - Labeling your water bottle
5:35 p.m. - Let's throw raw macaroni at assistant coach Marty
5:45 p.m. - Sermon by Reverend Donnie Craig: "Jesus never hits into a double play"

September 7, 2013

September 6, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Watch Me Eat Cashews - season 5
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Plumptin County Board of Education Building
* Let's Glue Taco Shells To That Old Woman - season 2
* My Back Hurts! - season 8

$5 each
Tonya  555-7166

September 5, 2013

For sale

Two tickets to a Kaynesport Pigeons football game

* Good for September 29 game against Durlytown
* Four hot dog buns free with purchase
* Also included: scrap of paper with hand-written directions to the stadium (red ink - *RARE*)

Gus  555-7334

September 4, 2013


Need someone's number looked up in the phone book?

A-H: $4 per listing
I-V: $5/listing
W-Z: $8/listing

Joe Maglio  555-9995

September 3, 2013

September 2, 2013


Sarah's Salad Buffet
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* "Half-off tire rotation at Auto Shop" is not an accepted competitor's coupon
* Night shift Q&A, part 9: Crouton Futons™

September 4, 11:00 a.m.

September 1, 2013


Need someone to guess your weight in a non-carnival setting?

* Males: $4 per guess
* Females: $3 per guess (comes w/ one free forehead kiss)
* Non-human: inquire within

Chris  555-4664