September 30, 2013
September 29, 2013
Disconnections
I fell off a riding lawnmower right in front of you as you were walking on the sidewalk the other day.
I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.
What brand of chocolate bar was all over my hands?
Dale 555-4330
I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.
What brand of chocolate bar was all over my hands?
Dale 555-4330
September 28, 2013
Events
The 1st annual Kaynesport Film Festival is almost here!
Films to be screened:
Things We Lost in the Sauerkraut
All the President's Hens
Throw Momma's Orthopedic Back Pillow from the Train
Garden Snakes of Wrath
The Greatest Scrambled Eggs To Ever Go Cold
Plus, the newest documentary film from director Claus Percy:
Lady at a Film Festival
October 19 at the Derwood Filmhouse - 4500 Poog Blvd., Kaynesport
Films to be screened:
Things We Lost in the Sauerkraut
All the President's Hens
Throw Momma's Orthopedic Back Pillow from the Train
Garden Snakes of Wrath
The Greatest Scrambled Eggs To Ever Go Cold
Plus, the newest documentary film from director Claus Percy:
Lady at a Film Festival
October 19 at the Derwood Filmhouse - 4500 Poog Blvd., Kaynesport
September 27, 2013
September 26, 2013
Vigils
Former rain puddle
We'll be convening at the corner of Delwood Lane & Piso Street in Kaynesport to honor the life of a once-great rain puddle.
Special events include:
* Eulogy by Reverend Donnie Craig: The next generation of rain puddles
* Peggy Cliff sings her new single "When's it gonna rain again?"
* Worm adoptions
Puddle in its prime, last Friday
Saturday, 4:00 p.m.
For more information call Stacey at 555-4955
We'll be convening at the corner of Delwood Lane & Piso Street in Kaynesport to honor the life of a once-great rain puddle.
Special events include:
* Eulogy by Reverend Donnie Craig: The next generation of rain puddles
* Peggy Cliff sings her new single "When's it gonna rain again?"
* Worm adoptions
Puddle in its prime, last Friday
Saturday, 4:00 p.m.
For more information call Stacey at 555-4955
September 25, 2013
Missing
[age progression photo from a few minutes ago]
* Missing since this morning
* Last seen as un-popped kernels. We're very worried.
* Reward potato chips offered
Fred & Liza 555-0112
September 24, 2013
Wanted
I'd like to find a mirror to look into or at least someone to tell me if this top looks alright on me.
Willing to provide any of my dad's stupid tennis trophies in exchange for services.
Caitlyn 555-8772
Willing to provide any of my dad's stupid tennis trophies in exchange for services.
Caitlyn 555-8772
September 23, 2013
Meetings
Friends of Lenny Baddamor
September meeting
On the agenda:
* We've added the following items to the winter auction: a sleeve from Lenny's leather jacket, some lettuce Lenny didn't eat in July
* January 16, 2009: the day we met Bennie Lattamore
* Our field trip to Lenny's little league dugout has been moved to November 4th
* Lenny doesn't like eggplant anymore
September 26, 7:30 p.m. at Claire's apartment complex gazebo
September meeting
On the agenda:
* We've added the following items to the winter auction: a sleeve from Lenny's leather jacket, some lettuce Lenny didn't eat in July
* January 16, 2009: the day we met Bennie Lattamore
* Our field trip to Lenny's little league dugout has been moved to November 4th
* Lenny doesn't like eggplant anymore
September 26, 7:30 p.m. at Claire's apartment complex gazebo
September 22, 2013
Services
Need the correct time?
* Any time before 3:15 p.m. - $3 for each time given
* 3:15 p.m.-9:59 p.m. - $4
* 10:00 p.m. or later - $1 + 15-second back rub
Joe Maglio 555-9995
* Any time before 3:15 p.m. - $3 for each time given
* 3:15 p.m.-9:59 p.m. - $4
* 10:00 p.m. or later - $1 + 15-second back rub
Joe Maglio 555-9995
September 21, 2013
TV listings
WDER's Saturday reality TV lineup
7:30 p.m. - Alarm Clock Swap
8:00 p.m. - My Feet Hurt! (season 5 reunion show)
8:30 p.m. - Who Won't Shower?!
9:00 p.m. - Is Your Breath Worse Than A Third Grader's?
10:00 p.m. - Baseball Groundskeeper Wives
WDER
Kaynesport - channel 23
Ookamondo - channel 44
East Plumptin - channel 37
Durly Valley - channel 56
7:30 p.m. - Alarm Clock Swap
8:00 p.m. - My Feet Hurt! (season 5 reunion show)
8:30 p.m. - Who Won't Shower?!
9:00 p.m. - Is Your Breath Worse Than A Third Grader's?
10:00 p.m. - Baseball Groundskeeper Wives
WDER
Kaynesport - channel 23
Ookamondo - channel 44
East Plumptin - channel 37
Durly Valley - channel 56
September 20, 2013
For sale
My child's art work
* "Mr. Tomlinson" - original crayon on construction paper
* Three-year old (female human) & 17-day old (guinea pig) free with purchase
Call for pricing list
Andy & Paige 555-7444
* "Mr. Tomlinson" - original crayon on construction paper
* Three-year old (female human) & 17-day old (guinea pig) free with purchase
Call for pricing list
Andy & Paige 555-7444
September 19, 2013
September 18, 2013
Wanted
I'm looking to purchase one right-footed bowling shoe, preferably blue and a men's size between 10-13.
Willing to pay as much as $9 or the equivalent in bird seed.
Jarrett 555-3220
Willing to pay as much as $9 or the equivalent in bird seed.
Jarrett 555-3220
September 17, 2013
Meetings
What the Book? reading group
September meeting
Books to discuss:
* The Photographic Encyclopedia of People Pointing at Rain Puddles - Chocolate House Publishing
* A Child Called 'Elbow' - Evelyn Stradmore
* The Idiot's Guide to Standing in Line - Lavellecronin Publishing
September 20, 5:30 p.m. at Janelle's condo
September meeting
Books to discuss:
* The Photographic Encyclopedia of People Pointing at Rain Puddles - Chocolate House Publishing
* A Child Called 'Elbow' - Evelyn Stradmore
* The Idiot's Guide to Standing in Line - Lavellecronin Publishing
September 20, 5:30 p.m. at Janelle's condo
September 16, 2013
For sale
Photograph collection
Thousands of pictures, including:
* Glenn asleep with corn chips in his nose
* "Ant Hill III."
* 2009 Kaynesport Aztecs little league team photo (missing Zach Lacy, 2B)
* Unidentified blue thing
* Grape
* Martin's wedding toast (w/pants zipper down and two cocktail shrimp tails in hair)
* Carpet stain in shape of thin Santa Claus (RARE)
Individual photos or entire collection available
Lisa 555-8337
Thousands of pictures, including:
* Glenn asleep with corn chips in his nose
* "Ant Hill III."
* 2009 Kaynesport Aztecs little league team photo (missing Zach Lacy, 2B)
* Unidentified blue thing
* Grape
* Martin's wedding toast (w/pants zipper down and two cocktail shrimp tails in hair)
* Carpet stain in shape of thin Santa Claus (RARE)
Individual photos or entire collection available
Lisa 555-8337
September 15, 2013
Opportunities
Adopt a portion of my front lawn
* Close proximity to sea shell road 6
* Appeared in the reality TV show Cutting The Grass With Scissors With The Stars
* One dog (age 6) and one human child (age 7) available for adoption as well
Call 555-2871 for more information
* Close proximity to sea shell road 6
* Appeared in the reality TV show Cutting The Grass With Scissors With The Stars
* One dog (age 6) and one human child (age 7) available for adoption as well
Call 555-2871 for more information
September 14, 2013
For sale
Cat food
More than 50 pieces available
.20 each or $8.50 for whole lot
Sandy 555-2271
** Free cat with purchase **
.20 each or $8.50 for whole lot
Sandy 555-2271
** Free cat with purchase **
September 13, 2013
Announcements
Kaynesport Historical Society
Fall museum schedule
Now open:
* Museum of Many Staircases
* Snowmen of the World
* The Museum of Half-Eaten Raisin Toast
* History of the Spoken Worm
* Museum With One Restroom
Call 555-3341 for schedule and ticketing
Fall museum schedule
Now open:
* Museum of Many Staircases
* Snowmen of the World
* The Museum of Half-Eaten Raisin Toast
* History of the Spoken Worm
* Museum With One Restroom
Call 555-3341 for schedule and ticketing
September 12, 2013
September 11, 2013
For sale
Joe Maglio memorabilia
Top items available:
- Maglio Corn Chip Beard™ (11 available)
- Photograph of Joe pointing at a pile of leaves on the set of Pointing At Leaves With Steve
- Maglio Muffins™ (six available)
- Photograph of Joe & heavyweight boxer Moe Jaglio
* Everything MUST go *
Cynthia Maglio 555-9995
Top items available:
- Maglio Corn Chip Beard™ (11 available)
- Photograph of Joe pointing at a pile of leaves on the set of Pointing At Leaves With Steve
- Maglio Muffins™ (six available)
- Photograph of Joe & heavyweight boxer Moe Jaglio
* Everything MUST go *
Cynthia Maglio 555-9995
September 10, 2013
Public Service Announcement
You can help prevent young produce from getting too close to the wall sockets.
September 24, vote "yes" on proposition 488.
Other prop bills to be voted on:
91: Separate but equal: ice cubes
513: Ban the use of percussion instruments underwater
107: The legality of nail polish remover on pizza
September 9, 2013
Item found
Work ID badge
I found this badge last Friday outside my apartment building, next to a bunch of leaves.
I tried using it today at work, but everyone kept saying "Stewart? I thought your name was Paul." So, it's time to reunite the badge with its owner.
If it's yours, give me a call. I'm not looking for any reward money, but I've been trying to get my hands on some rubber bands for a while. Maybe we can work out a trade.
Paul 555-4002
* Also have several leaves available for purchase *
I found this badge last Friday outside my apartment building, next to a bunch of leaves.
I tried using it today at work, but everyone kept saying "Stewart? I thought your name was Paul." So, it's time to reunite the badge with its owner.
If it's yours, give me a call. I'm not looking for any reward money, but I've been trying to get my hands on some rubber bands for a while. Maybe we can work out a trade.
Paul 555-4002
* Also have several leaves available for purchase *
September 8, 2013
Announcements
The Plumptin Buffaloes 40+ adult baseball fall team has been selected!
Final cut list
(* returning player)
1. Ainsworth Sha
2. B'Bryson Potz
3. * Hoyt Nippins
4. Norris Okweedle
5. Derwood Zeoli
6. * Celeryfingers
7. * Eddie Aguayo
8. Winston Mudsuit
9. Haugustus LaRocca
10. * McQweese Lood
11. * Ellis Aguayo
12. Pinecone Hurdock
13. * Harmondo Viti
14. * P'Sandeep Ahmet
15. Jo he Jo Pong
16. Shaqmarcus Lester
17. * Jobeek Alomar
First practice: September 18, 6:00 p.m. at field 7
Pre-practice schedule:
5:30 p.m. - Labeling your water bottle
5:35 p.m. - Let's throw raw macaroni at assistant coach Marty
5:45 p.m. - Sermon by Reverend Donnie Craig: "Jesus never hits into a double play"
Final cut list
(* returning player)
1. Ainsworth Sha
2. B'Bryson Potz
3. * Hoyt Nippins
4. Norris Okweedle
5. Derwood Zeoli
6. * Celeryfingers
7. * Eddie Aguayo
8. Winston Mudsuit
9. Haugustus LaRocca
10. * McQweese Lood
11. * Ellis Aguayo
12. Pinecone Hurdock
13. * Harmondo Viti
14. * P'Sandeep Ahmet
15. Jo he Jo Pong
16. Shaqmarcus Lester
17. * Jobeek Alomar
First practice: September 18, 6:00 p.m. at field 7
Pre-practice schedule:
5:30 p.m. - Labeling your water bottle
5:35 p.m. - Let's throw raw macaroni at assistant coach Marty
5:45 p.m. - Sermon by Reverend Donnie Craig: "Jesus never hits into a double play"
September 7, 2013
September 6, 2013
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
* Watch Me Eat Cashews - season 5
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Plumptin County Board of Education Building
* Let's Glue Taco Shells To That Old Woman - season 2
* My Back Hurts! - season 8
$5 each
Tonya 555-7166
* Watch Me Eat Cashews - season 5
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Plumptin County Board of Education Building
* Let's Glue Taco Shells To That Old Woman - season 2
* My Back Hurts! - season 8
$5 each
Tonya 555-7166
September 5, 2013
For sale
Two tickets to a Kaynesport Pigeons football game
* Good for September 29 game against Durlytown
* Four hot dog buns free with purchase
* Also included: scrap of paper with hand-written directions to the stadium (red ink - *RARE*)
$40
Gus 555-7334
* Good for September 29 game against Durlytown
* Four hot dog buns free with purchase
* Also included: scrap of paper with hand-written directions to the stadium (red ink - *RARE*)
$40
Gus 555-7334
September 4, 2013
Services
Need someone's number looked up in the phone book?
A-H: $4 per listing
I-V: $5/listing
W-Z: $8/listing
Joe Maglio 555-9995
A-H: $4 per listing
I-V: $5/listing
W-Z: $8/listing
Joe Maglio 555-9995
September 3, 2013
September 2, 2013
Meetings
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* "Half-off tire rotation at Auto Shop" is not an accepted competitor's coupon
* Night shift Q&A, part 9: Crouton Futons™
September 4, 11:00 a.m.
September 1, 2013
Services
Need someone to guess your weight in a non-carnival setting?
* Males: $4 per guess
* Females: $3 per guess (comes w/ one free forehead kiss)
* Non-human: inquire within
Chris 555-4664
* Males: $4 per guess
* Females: $3 per guess (comes w/ one free forehead kiss)
* Non-human: inquire within
Chris 555-4664
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)