September 30, 2012

Help wanted

I need someone who can talk an old lady out of a mud pile.

Must own either a fishing pole or rope and have things of value to trade for mud.

Hank 555-4014

September 29, 2012

For rent


Gwen & Bobby  555-2323

September 28, 2012

For sale

Ant litter

- Pure-bred
- Black and fire
- Farms/hills available

Call for pricing list
Jenny & Garret 555-6117

* We also have 700 sets of twins and we don't want to separate them (inquire within)

September 27, 2012

For hire

Ear hair trimmer for hire

* Priced per hair *

Contact for rates and availability
Percy  555-1007

** Call now and receive three free vintage 1980s ears **

September 26, 2012


Stop & Stay Convenience Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting gas tank caps as currency
* The 'cigarette in my nose' joke at the cash register is no longer funny
* We do not have a give a penny take a case of orange soda tray

September 27, 10:00 a.m.

September 25, 2012

For sale


* Six available
* Some contain chocolate icing
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show My Sweet 47 Party

$1 each or all six for $5
Patrice  555-8771

September 24, 2012


Kaynesport High School varsity girl's basketball
Preseason team meeting

On the agenda:

* Throwing sandwich meat at the referee from the bench is not a proper response to a foul call
* Why only during practice can we have six or more players on the court at once

Wednesday, 11:00 a.m. in the auxiliary gym

September 23, 2012

For sale


* Plenty of character
* Perfect for the bread lover in your life
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Won't Get Electrocuted?!

Gabe 555-3970

September 22, 2012


Adopt a portion of Sea Shell Road 4

Call 555-6617 for more details

September 21, 2012


Need chairs sat in?

You've tried Joe Maglio, now try the best.

Dominic Maglio  555-9995

September 20, 2012

For sale

T-shirt sleeve

* Gray

Glenn  555-5818

** Rest of shirt sold separately. Inquire within. **

September 19, 2012

For sale

Dry wall

* RARE *

Terry  555-6633

Hurry, my cousin Linda is interested

September 18, 2012

For sale

Concert tickets

* Two available from Peggy Cliff's "Christmas Again?" concert - February, 1993
* Free with purchase: cassette copy of Cliff's hit single Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)

$10 each or both for $17
Harriet  555-6339

** Receipt from original ticket transaction sold separately **

September 17, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Support local mold: help us keep the bread off

Call 555-0017 to learn more

September 16, 2012

Husband for rent

Age: 47


* Extra in the 1998 film Things We Lost In The Baked Beans
* Ate Plumptin County record 17 tree branches (May, 1987)
* Voted "best car" in high school yearbook (June, 1993)
* Can fit three potatoes in his mouth at once
* Recently coached the Mariners youth softball team to a 5-5-2 record

Bethany 555-0126

** Hurry, Eleanor is interested **

September 15, 2012


A Novel Concept book club
September meeting

Books to discuss:

* The Mustard Water In The Rye
* Greer's Law Books: Pigeon Possession
* Championship Prison Tennis Teams
* Idiot's Guide To The Mirror

September 17, 6:00 p.m. at Lanette & Gary's condo

September 14, 2012

Item missing

Cooler top

* Last seen: Wednesday at around 2:00 p.m.
* Since we borrowed him from Uncle Greg's on the 3rd, he's rarely been separated from the cooler. We're very worried that he might've gotten involved with a shady picnic basket or a leaking bag of ice.

Diane & Jermaine  555-9388

September 13, 2012


Handyman for hire

* All kinds of services provided *

- Shouting insults at dirty bath water
- Wrestling living room furniture
- Flushing old fruit; eulogies
- Arm wrestling the elderly
- Introducing napkins to other napkins

Call for rates and availability
Vance 555-4481

September 12, 2012


I'm looking to purchase one couch cushion, doesn't matter what color it is.

Willing to pay as much as $8 or the equivalent in taco shells.

Ivan  555-4671

September 11, 2012


Donachella's Italian Restaurant
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to take home the wall mirrors
* In the birthday song, we do not repeat the phrase "nobody cares, jerk" at the end
* What not to fill the ravioli with

September 14, 10:00 a.m.

September 10, 2012


* On September 18, vote "YES" on proposition 67 to keep the rain puddles in the parking lot where they belong

Other prop bills:

73: Ban sneezing on kayaks
119: The legality of dish washing detergent on cheeseburgers
202: Goldfish rights
33: Wearing a top hat and suspenders into the shower

September 9, 2012

For rent


$4/half hour
Orin  555-8446

September 8, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Help us put an end to banana peel-on-banana peel crime.

On September 18, vote NO on proposition 413.

September 7, 2012

For sale

Celery stalk

* Partially-eaten
* Appeared in the hit reality TV show Bad Celery Club

Mindy  555-0022

September 6, 2012

For sale

Used books

* Book Of Goldfish Names: Girls
* Idiot's Guide To The Staple Remover
* What To Expect When You're Expecting A Hiccup
* Illustrated History Of Pointing Out Of Windows

$4 each
Maurice  555-7336

September 5, 2012


Need car doors closed?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

September 4, 2012

For sale

Back pillow

* Blue w/barbecue sauce stains
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show Get My Grandpa To The Dentist!

Orin  555-8446

September 3, 2012


Hipolito's Drive-In
Grand opening!

Fall movies:

* A Child Called "Potato"
* Carless Man Walking
* Hockey Horse 2
* Carpet Stain at Tiffany's
* Things We Lost in the Macaroni Salad
* My Big Fat Greek Ex-Wife

Hipolito's - 2257 Lesper Blvd., Neoko City

September 2, 2012

Missing pet

Our beloved armadillo, Jake, ran away Saturday. He's gray and loves to dig, but can't see in front of his nose. He's as blind as a hippo. 

We're worried and we need our pal to come home and get under the couch where he belongs.

Reward: week's worth of armadillo food.

The Lindemans 555-8822

September 1, 2012


League of Garys fantasy football league & gardening club
Pre-draft meeting

On the agenda:

* We can no longer accept potting soil or gardening gloves as part of the league fees
* Gary Vernon's real name is Jerry Verner, so there's an opening in the West Division
* Despite what Gary Murphy might have told you, the team owner who finishes last does not have to spend a full day with his hand in a beehive

Tomorrow, 6:00 p.m. at Gary's Pub. Draft to follow.