Need to coax a mule down from a roof?
Joe Maglio 555-9995
December 31, 2010
December 30, 2010
Help wanted
My car is buried in snow. And my mother-in-law, Diane is down there somewhere. I need someone with a shovel or a new car and a stand-in mother-in-law (for reference: photo available upon request).
Claire 555-8962
* Free snow also available *
December 29, 2010
Services
McCan the Advice Man
For hire
* What happens in the garbage disposal stays in the garbage disposal
* Don't paint your walls with mayonnaise
* Wearing a trench coat into the pool
* An apricot is not a pet
* Don't make a casserole out of a molehill
Call for rates and availability
McCan 555-6884
For hire
* What happens in the garbage disposal stays in the garbage disposal
* Don't paint your walls with mayonnaise
* Wearing a trench coat into the pool
* An apricot is not a pet
* Don't make a casserole out of a molehill
Call for rates and availability
McCan 555-6884
December 28, 2010
For sale
2011 calendars
Wall:
* Mailmen Named Dale
* The Girls of Shampoo Taster Magazine
* 12 Months of Envelopes
Desk:
* Greg Sanderson-Fact-A-Day
* 365 Days of Cantaloupe
Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8010
Wall:
* Mailmen Named Dale
* The Girls of Shampoo Taster Magazine
* 12 Months of Envelopes
Desk:
* Greg Sanderson-Fact-A-Day
* 365 Days of Cantaloupe
Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8010
December 27, 2010
Meetings
What the Book? reading group
2011 kick-off meeting
Books to discuss:
What to Expect When You're Expecting A Guy Named Kevin - Ivan Layne
The Encyclopedia of Carpet Stains Shaped Like Broccoli - Chocolate House Publishing
A Child Called 'Pretzel' - Samantha McCreary
January 2, 4:00 p.m. at Hillary's condo
2011 kick-off meeting
Books to discuss:
What to Expect When You're Expecting A Guy Named Kevin - Ivan Layne
The Encyclopedia of Carpet Stains Shaped Like Broccoli - Chocolate House Publishing
A Child Called 'Pretzel' - Samantha McCreary
January 2, 4:00 p.m. at Hillary's condo
For sale
Puppy
- Unnamed
- Seven days old
- Likes to eat infant hair and goldfish
$10
Mike 555-7615 (my mom's phone)
- Unnamed
- Seven days old
- Likes to eat infant hair and goldfish
$10
Mike 555-7615 (my mom's phone)
December 26, 2010
For sale
Brand-new video games
Salad Dressing Man vs. China
Corey Gallagher: Escape from the Washing Machine
Air Guitar Hero
Retirement Home: Exercise Lawn
Call of Taxi Cab
$15 each
Natalie 555-0340
Salad Dressing Man vs. China
Corey Gallagher: Escape from the Washing Machine
Air Guitar Hero
Retirement Home: Exercise Lawn
Call of Taxi Cab
$15 each
Natalie 555-0340
December 25, 2010
Christmas Personal Ads
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
I've got a ton of mistletoe to eat.
Call me.
Ron box 81902
Snowman-building contest participant (1974-1995); won the '77 and '84 Frostys. I'm now a celebrity judge, so, plenty of perks. Voted "tallest" in high school yearbook (June, 1972).
Alan box 80444
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
SBF, age 36. Just looking for a man to go with me to an office Christmas party so I don't have to go with my uncle Derwood again.
Turn ons: real talk about highway rest stop hand driers.
Chantelle box 63436
OTHER
Tall, green tree. Fake.
Gary box 29910
I've got a ton of mistletoe to eat.
Call me.
Ron box 81902
Snowman-building contest participant (1974-1995); won the '77 and '84 Frostys. I'm now a celebrity judge, so, plenty of perks. Voted "tallest" in high school yearbook (June, 1972).
Alan box 80444
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
SBF, age 36. Just looking for a man to go with me to an office Christmas party so I don't have to go with my uncle Derwood again.
Turn ons: real talk about highway rest stop hand driers.
Chantelle box 63436
OTHER
Tall, green tree. Fake.
Gary box 29910
Meetings
Madeline's Antique Shop
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
- We do not have a drive thru
- Please stop accepting cans of soup as currency
- Mr. Adamson is not for sale
December 27, 10:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
- We do not have a drive thru
- Please stop accepting cans of soup as currency
- Mr. Adamson is not for sale
December 27, 10:00 a.m.
December 24, 2010
For sale
Christmas tree
* Thrown-up rice/vodka stuck to back left corner
* Presents included w/tree:
- Flying pepperoni tie
- Something laughing wrapped in newspaper
$20
Andy and Jennifer 555-8919
** Dead mouse in tree stand sold separately **
* Thrown-up rice/vodka stuck to back left corner
* Presents included w/tree:
- Flying pepperoni tie
- Something laughing wrapped in newspaper
$20
Andy and Jennifer 555-8919
** Dead mouse in tree stand sold separately **
December 23, 2010
Meetings
Kaynesport Carolers
Pre-Christmas Eve meeting
On the agenda:
* There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for menthol cigarettes
Tonight, 7:00 p.m. at headquarters
Pre-Christmas Eve meeting
On the agenda:
* There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for menthol cigarettes
Tonight, 7:00 p.m. at headquarters
December 22, 2010
For sale
Unleaded gas
- Six gallons
- Comes in tupperware (free with purchase)
I'm at the Stopmart on Old Kaynesport, pump 9.
$24
Terry 555-6119
- Six gallons
- Comes in tupperware (free with purchase)
I'm at the Stopmart on Old Kaynesport, pump 9.
$24
Terry 555-6119
For sale
Cd singles
Christmas singles:
I Saw Mommy Kissing Timothy's Mommy - Peggy Cliff
The Balding Drummer Man - Carl Kringle
Other:
Wheelbarrow to Heaven - Slay Parker Trio
Call the Pinch Police, Volume 3 - JJ (featuring Lil' Pancake)
Deodorant Beneath My Wings - Delaney Sisters
$4 each
Toby 555-4682
Christmas singles:
I Saw Mommy Kissing Timothy's Mommy - Peggy Cliff
The Balding Drummer Man - Carl Kringle
Other:
Wheelbarrow to Heaven - Slay Parker Trio
Call the Pinch Police, Volume 3 - JJ (featuring Lil' Pancake)
Deodorant Beneath My Wings - Delaney Sisters
$4 each
Toby 555-4682
December 21, 2010
Meetings
The Men Under Rachel Orson's Dining Room Table
Winter meeting
On the agenda:
* Rachel's toe ring: Q&A
* The piece of lettuce Grandpa Orson dropped during Thanksgiving dinner is still available at our merchandise table
* Rachel doesn't like green tea anymore
December 26, 1:00 p.m.
Winter meeting
On the agenda:
* Rachel's toe ring: Q&A
* The piece of lettuce Grandpa Orson dropped during Thanksgiving dinner is still available at our merchandise table
* Rachel doesn't like green tea anymore
December 26, 1:00 p.m.
December 20, 2010
Services
Life coach for hire
Audrey Simmons
- Life coach since 2004
- Youth tennis coach (1995-2003)
* Getting out from under your couch and staying out
* Don't put cat whiskers in your soup
* Only wear one pair of shoes at a time
* What not to scream at an elementary school recital
Call for rates and availability
555-2877
Audrey Simmons
- Life coach since 2004
- Youth tennis coach (1995-2003)
* Getting out from under your couch and staying out
* Don't put cat whiskers in your soup
* Only wear one pair of shoes at a time
* What not to scream at an elementary school recital
Call for rates and availability
555-2877
December 19, 2010
For sale
Magazines
Salad Olympics Quarterly (August, 2000)
337 Minute Meals (September, 2003)
Acorn Sympathizer (July 2, 1982)
$3 each
Paul 555-8102
Salad Olympics Quarterly (August, 2000)
337 Minute Meals (September, 2003)
Acorn Sympathizer (July 2, 1982)
$3 each
Paul 555-8102
December 18, 2010
For sale
Domain names
coleslawfightsonvideo.blogspot.com
moviescripts.vmd/thegreatesttoweltoeverfold
celebritiescoughing.blogspot.com
blainecollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics/mensshoutingatcanopeners
walletkeepers.com/1993northamericanarenatour
goldfisheatingcontests.com/pastchampions_clarencepershack
duringtheblackout.wordpress.com/foodundercouch
$8 each
Nadine 555-1002
coleslawfightsonvideo.blogspot.com
moviescripts.vmd/thegreatesttoweltoeverfold
celebritiescoughing.blogspot.com
blainecollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics/mensshoutingatcanopeners
walletkeepers.com/1993northamericanarenatour
goldfisheatingcontests.com/pastchampions_clarencepershack
duringtheblackout.wordpress.com/foodundercouch
$8 each
Nadine 555-1002
December 17, 2010
Events
Kaynesport Blue youth football
Team banquet - December 21 at the Yoltz Ballroom
Schedule of events:
6:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by Sabbasobi
7:05 p.m. - Speech by coach Abrams: "What a 1-6-2 season means"
8:00 p.m. - Awards
- Scrawniest arms
- Most attractive older sister
- Most memorable fall down
- Worst hand-off
9:45 p.m. - Slide show: "A Season of Nose Bleeds"
10:30 p.m. - Let's steal assistant coach Bailey's sneakers and put them somewhere
11:00 p.m. - Security escort to the basement
11:15 p.m. - Security escort to the parking garage
Yoltz Ballroom - 576 Wiley Circle, East Plumptin
Team banquet - December 21 at the Yoltz Ballroom
Schedule of events:
6:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by Sabbasobi
7:05 p.m. - Speech by coach Abrams: "What a 1-6-2 season means"
8:00 p.m. - Awards
- Scrawniest arms
- Most attractive older sister
- Most memorable fall down
- Worst hand-off
9:45 p.m. - Slide show: "A Season of Nose Bleeds"
10:30 p.m. - Let's steal assistant coach Bailey's sneakers and put them somewhere
11:00 p.m. - Security escort to the basement
11:15 p.m. - Security escort to the parking garage
Yoltz Ballroom - 576 Wiley Circle, East Plumptin
December 16, 2010
Meetings
A Novel Concept book club
Winter meeting
Book to discuss:
* Idiot's Guide to the Ketchup Packet - Ed. Thomas Lertz
December 18, 6:00 p.m. at Lanette's condo
Winter meeting
Book to discuss:
* Idiot's Guide to the Ketchup Packet - Ed. Thomas Lertz
December 18, 6:00 p.m. at Lanette's condo
Services
Freelance high school guidance counselor for hire
* The quickest way to the auxiliary gym
* Careers in mud
* "They took all of the chairs out of my office, pull up a garbage bag full of doughnuts"
Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8119
* The quickest way to the auxiliary gym
* Careers in mud
* "They took all of the chairs out of my office, pull up a garbage bag full of doughnuts"
Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8119
December 15, 2010
December 14, 2010
Services
Big gong help the lady love your bedtub show. Urban handsomes boost drying and strengths for Melido.
Test dose free or your money back.
Qwenalikin
555-2010
Test dose free or your money back.
Qwenalikin
555-2010
Meetings
Chuck's Chicken
Staff Meeting
On the agenda:
* Please do not sell beer out a personal cooler at the drive thru window
* Our birthday song does not include the words "stupid" and "moron"
December 15, 3:30 p.m.
Staff Meeting
On the agenda:
* Please do not sell beer out a personal cooler at the drive thru window
* Our birthday song does not include the words "stupid" and "moron"
December 15, 3:30 p.m.
December 13, 2010
For sale
Soap
* Green
* Comes with three ear hairs
* Used in the filming of the hit reality television show We're Living in the Bathtub! 3
$12
Byron 555-3663
* Green
* Comes with three ear hairs
* Used in the filming of the hit reality television show We're Living in the Bathtub! 3
$12
Byron 555-3663
December 12, 2010
Services
Advice Man for hire
"Today is the first day of the rest of your week"
* You burn it you bought it
* Don't put sausage in your milk
* A watermelon is not a pet
* Bringing an umbrella into the shower
* Don't pour apple sauce into your socks before putting them on
Call for hourly rates
Ben 555-8916
"Today is the first day of the rest of your week"
* You burn it you bought it
* Don't put sausage in your milk
* A watermelon is not a pet
* Bringing an umbrella into the shower
* Don't pour apple sauce into your socks before putting them on
Call for hourly rates
Ben 555-8916
December 11, 2010
December 10, 2010
Obituary
Charles Pickford
1910-2010
The founding member of the political activist group S.A.C. (Separation of Antler & Cake), he died doing what he loved: screaming obsentities at his desk lamp. One of the great air drummers of all time, Charles was also a multiple gold medal winner at the 1984 Office Supply Olympics. He is survived by a drawing of a donkey.
1910-2010
The founding member of the political activist group S.A.C. (Separation of Antler & Cake), he died doing what he loved: screaming obsentities at his desk lamp. One of the great air drummers of all time, Charles was also a multiple gold medal winner at the 1984 Office Supply Olympics. He is survived by a drawing of a donkey.
December 9, 2010
For sale
Gas bill
* $73.46 due immediately
$60
Gwen 555-7291
** Hurry, Brent and maybe Jenna are interested **
* $73.46 due immediately
$60
Gwen 555-7291
** Hurry, Brent and maybe Jenna are interested **
Meetings
Friends of Matt Nopler
December meeting
Items to discuss:
* When we go Christmas caroling this year, we can not share the same pair of pants again
* Matt doesn't like lima beans anymore
December 10, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters
December meeting
Items to discuss:
* When we go Christmas caroling this year, we can not share the same pair of pants again
* Matt doesn't like lima beans anymore
December 10, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters
December 8, 2010
For sale
Magazines
Air Guitar (February, 1987; April, 1989; May, 1989)
Falling off the Roof (December, 2004)
Whine (March, 2007; April, 2007)
$4 each
Daniel 555-6339
Air Guitar (February, 1987; April, 1989; May, 1989)
Falling off the Roof (December, 2004)
Whine (March, 2007; April, 2007)
$4 each
Daniel 555-6339
December 7, 2010
Openings
Nelly Deen's Jelly Beans
Grand opening!
New gourmet flavors:
* Roast Beef
* Kitten Paw
* Light Ranch
* Envelope
* Nelly Eyelash
* Cauliflower Surprise
* Olive Breath
* Cucumber Confetti
Nelly's - 395 Louis Lane, Plumptin
Grand opening!
New gourmet flavors:
* Roast Beef
* Kitten Paw
* Light Ranch
* Envelope
* Nelly Eyelash
* Cauliflower Surprise
* Olive Breath
* Cucumber Confetti
Nelly's - 395 Louis Lane, Plumptin
Meetings
Bumbo's Bar & Grill
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* The customers are not allowed to bring home their plates and silverware
* Burnin' Down the Bar is no longer a Karaoke selection
* Please stop accepting pen caps as currency
December 8, 11:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* The customers are not allowed to bring home their plates and silverware
* Burnin' Down the Bar is no longer a Karaoke selection
* Please stop accepting pen caps as currency
December 8, 11:00 a.m.
December 6, 2010
Openings
Noodle Paco's Movie House
Grand re-opening!
"We got rid of the possums, ya'll!"
Winter, 2010 movies:
The Greatest Towel To Ever Fold
Potato Salad, Interrupted
The Below-Average Mrs. Ripley
Hockey Fish 2
Honey, I Sneezed on the Kids
Noodle Paco's - 446 Quickum Trace, Kaynesport
Grand re-opening!
"We got rid of the possums, ya'll!"
Winter, 2010 movies:
The Greatest Towel To Ever Fold
Potato Salad, Interrupted
The Below-Average Mrs. Ripley
Hockey Fish 2
Honey, I Sneezed on the Kids
Noodle Paco's - 446 Quickum Trace, Kaynesport
December 5, 2010
For sale
Bone
* Once belonged to Ernie Gladwell
* Perfect for that special someone in your life
$22
Eric 555-6629
** Leaves sold separately **
* Once belonged to Ernie Gladwell
* Perfect for that special someone in your life
$22
Eric 555-6629
** Leaves sold separately **
December 4, 2010
Services
Psychiatrist for hire
* The voices inside your toothbrush
* "I make gumbo and pour it into my neighbors' mailboxes"
* Inadequacy in the coat check room
* Giant forks invade Salad City
* Tape measure envy
* Snowman war nightmares/fear of carrots
Call for rates and availability
Susan Everton 555-2010
* The voices inside your toothbrush
* "I make gumbo and pour it into my neighbors' mailboxes"
* Inadequacy in the coat check room
* Giant forks invade Salad City
* Tape measure envy
* Snowman war nightmares/fear of carrots
Call for rates and availability
Susan Everton 555-2010
December 3, 2010
For sale
Used workout videos
Time to Blubbersize! - $7
At Least Do One Sit Up - $10
Sebastian 555-8175
Time to Blubbersize! - $7
At Least Do One Sit Up - $10
Sebastian 555-8175
December 2, 2010
Closings
Mejia's Mexican Restaurant is closing its doors after 15 years. Come help us celebrate our last night, December 7.
Final night schedule:
7:00 p.m. - Star Spangled Banner, performed by Ernie (wooden spoons on teeth)
7:10 p.m. - Queso Dunk Tank semi finals/finals
8:00 p.m. - Let's try and get Horace Gallego drunk
10:00 p.m. - "My Mejia's Moment", featuring some of our regular customer's favorite memories:
* The night Janet fell asleep in the tortilla maker
* The birth of Terrence Jr. at table 19
* Christmas Party, 1998 (Darren plays the harmonica and cries under the mistletoe)
12:00 a.m. - Police escort to supply shed
12:15 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot
December 7 at Mejia's - 175 Cuppert Avenue, Kaynesport
Final night schedule:
7:00 p.m. - Star Spangled Banner, performed by Ernie (wooden spoons on teeth)
7:10 p.m. - Queso Dunk Tank semi finals/finals
8:00 p.m. - Let's try and get Horace Gallego drunk
10:00 p.m. - "My Mejia's Moment", featuring some of our regular customer's favorite memories:
* The night Janet fell asleep in the tortilla maker
* The birth of Terrence Jr. at table 19
* Christmas Party, 1998 (Darren plays the harmonica and cries under the mistletoe)
12:00 a.m. - Police escort to supply shed
12:15 a.m. - Police escort to parking lot
December 7 at Mejia's - 175 Cuppert Avenue, Kaynesport
December 1, 2010
Services
Rorinson Printing Company
* Directions to Darren's house
* Beware of Grandmother's Ashes signs
* Ransom notes now available on red and pink paper
* Brussel sprout war peace treaties
* All-You-Can-Paper Clip Fridays
And more!
Rorinson Printing Co.
310 Asherminn Court, Burp County
* Directions to Darren's house
* Beware of Grandmother's Ashes signs
* Ransom notes now available on red and pink paper
* Brussel sprout war peace treaties
* All-You-Can-Paper Clip Fridays
And more!
Rorinson Printing Co.
310 Asherminn Court, Burp County
November 30, 2010
Services
Grem, Fonway & Chessleby Attorneys at Law
* Bologna taunting
* Tire swing foreclosure
* Mailing threatening envelopes
* Hamburger bun cruelty
* C.U.I. (clumbering under the influence)
Call for rates and availability
555-4481
* Bologna taunting
* Tire swing foreclosure
* Mailing threatening envelopes
* Hamburger bun cruelty
* C.U.I. (clumbering under the influence)
Call for rates and availability
555-4481
November 29, 2010
November 28, 2010
Meetings
McLain High School yearbook staff
Winter meeting
On the agenda:
* Despite the package of photos that were sent to the office, there's no such thing as the Cigarette Club
* Page 36 update: the ransom letter to Principal Hargrove stays
* Why sophomore Arnold Gafreda is not allowed to pose for his picture with his mailman again this year
November 30, 3:30 p.m.
Winter meeting
On the agenda:
* Despite the package of photos that were sent to the office, there's no such thing as the Cigarette Club
* Page 36 update: the ransom letter to Principal Hargrove stays
* Why sophomore Arnold Gafreda is not allowed to pose for his picture with his mailman again this year
November 30, 3:30 p.m.
November 27, 2010
November 26, 2010
Meetings
Happy Food Mart - Store #917
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* What happened to all of the dental floss?
* What not to sell in the store
November 29, 11:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* What happened to all of the dental floss?
* What not to sell in the store
November 29, 11:00 a.m.
Meetings
Carlson Family
Post-Thanksgiving meeting
On the agenda:
* Grandpa's "my pants fell down again" speech: VHS copies on sale in the upstairs linen closet
* The gravy bath tub turned out to be a bad idea
* Aunt Tabitha is still deciding to live underneath the dining room table. Visitations are the last Tuesday of every month, starting Nov. 30
Today, 1:00 p.m. on the back porch
Post-Thanksgiving meeting
On the agenda:
* Grandpa's "my pants fell down again" speech: VHS copies on sale in the upstairs linen closet
* The gravy bath tub turned out to be a bad idea
* Aunt Tabitha is still deciding to live underneath the dining room table. Visitations are the last Tuesday of every month, starting Nov. 30
Today, 1:00 p.m. on the back porch
November 25, 2010
Announcements
The mailbox flag-eating contest has been moved to December 17 in the West Annex, Kaynesport.
All competitors please bring your own asparagus helmet.
All competitors please bring your own asparagus helmet.
- TBC staff
For sale
1/2 can of tuna fish
* Once belonged to my former roommate Liam
* Appeared in the 2010 documentary Tuna Fish Fight
$15 or best offer
Terry 555-5419
* Once belonged to my former roommate Liam
* Appeared in the 2010 documentary Tuna Fish Fight
$15 or best offer
Terry 555-5419
November 24, 2010
Closings
The Ernston Valley Times is closing its doors after 97 years
**Come help us celebrate our last night, December 3**
7:00 p.m. - National anthem performed by Silently Baked Ziti
**Come help us celebrate our last night, December 3**
7:00 p.m. - National anthem performed by Silently Baked Ziti
8:00 p.m. - "EVT Memories" - narrated by copy editor Belinda Mitchell
- Coffee drinking Olympics (Fall, 1981)
- Ronald Bainbridge drops entire tray of potato salad at Christmas party (2001)
- Beth's mother visits the newsroom (February, 2005)
10:00 p.m. - Silent Auction
Some of the items up for bid:
* Publisher Don Corey's "My other fishing pole is a rifle" coffee mug
* Payroll coordinator Elenore Donnelly's old nose
- Coffee drinking Olympics (Fall, 1981)
- Ronald Bainbridge drops entire tray of potato salad at Christmas party (2001)
- Beth's mother visits the newsroom (February, 2005)
10:00 p.m. - Silent Auction
Some of the items up for bid:
* Publisher Don Corey's "My other fishing pole is a rifle" coffee mug
* Payroll coordinator Elenore Donnelly's old nose
November 23, 2010
Meetings
Friends of Mary Kirkland
Winter meeting
Items to discuss:
* Should Mary have played more on her junior varsity basketball team?
* The 2010 Marys: re-counting the vote for Largest Ears
Winter meeting
Items to discuss:
* Should Mary have played more on her junior varsity basketball team?
* The 2010 Marys: re-counting the vote for Largest Ears
* Mary doesn't like thousand island dressing anymore
November 27, 6:00 p.m. at Horace Landing apartment complex gazebo
November 27, 6:00 p.m. at Horace Landing apartment complex gazebo
November 22, 2010
For sale
Used protest signs
"Get Out From Underneath My Station Wagon!"
"We Came To The Wrong Protest"
"Guns Don't Kill People, Drinking Laundry Detergent Kills People"
$1 each
Harriet 555-4672
"Get Out From Underneath My Station Wagon!"
"We Came To The Wrong Protest"
"Guns Don't Kill People, Drinking Laundry Detergent Kills People"
$1 each
Harriet 555-4672
For sale
Cockroach
- Dead since Friday
- Perfect for gluing to people as a practical joke
- Appeared in the 2009 made-for-TV thriller Cockroach in Coach
$3
Lionel 555-0081
- Dead since Friday
- Perfect for gluing to people as a practical joke
- Appeared in the 2009 made-for-TV thriller Cockroach in Coach
$3
Lionel 555-0081
November 21, 2010
For sale
Old domain names
www.westkaynesporthobos.blogspot.com/rockingkurt
www.derwoodcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_firewoodtoss
www.moveiscriptmadness.bcm/sixanchoviesofseparation
www.shaniquasiknow.org/shaniquabradley
www.celebrityforeheadrashes.blogspot.com
www.isthathamsterpoo.com
$8 each
Bobby 555-2323
www.westkaynesporthobos.blogspot.com/rockingkurt
www.derwoodcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_firewoodtoss
www.moveiscriptmadness.bcm/sixanchoviesofseparation
www.shaniquasiknow.org/shaniquabradley
www.celebrityforeheadrashes.blogspot.com
www.isthathamsterpoo.com
$8 each
Bobby 555-2323
Personal Ads
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
Looking for a woman who can help me lure a chipmunk out of a laundry hamper. Must have a recognizable odor.
Chet box 70017
Let's make a Darryl sandwich. You bring the yellow mustard and a guy named Darryl, I'll bring the giant rye bread.
Darryl box 68882
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I need a ride to the nail salon.
Beth box 21121
SWF, age 36. I have my ex-boyfriend's name branded on my right shoulder. His name is Kevin.
Looking for a man named Kevin or Devin.
Samantha box 90606
OTHER
Single, white salt shaker. Empty.
Leroy box 79901
Looking for a woman who can help me lure a chipmunk out of a laundry hamper. Must have a recognizable odor.
Chet box 70017
Let's make a Darryl sandwich. You bring the yellow mustard and a guy named Darryl, I'll bring the giant rye bread.
Darryl box 68882
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I need a ride to the nail salon.
Beth box 21121
SWF, age 36. I have my ex-boyfriend's name branded on my right shoulder. His name is Kevin.
Looking for a man named Kevin or Devin.
Samantha box 90606
OTHER
Single, white salt shaker. Empty.
Leroy box 79901
November 20, 2010
Meetings
Friends of Ernie Plink
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
* Ernie Meet & Greet '10 has been postponed due to the theft of more than two dozen lasagna helmets
* Last week's relay race against the Co-Workers of Ernie Plink: what went wrong
* Who is taking Ernie's caterpillar, Darren to his Insects Anonymous meeting, December 2?
November 24, 1:00 p.m.
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
* Ernie Meet & Greet '10 has been postponed due to the theft of more than two dozen lasagna helmets
* Last week's relay race against the Co-Workers of Ernie Plink: what went wrong
* Who is taking Ernie's caterpillar, Darren to his Insects Anonymous meeting, December 2?
November 24, 1:00 p.m.
Meetings
Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #229
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Please stop accepting carpet samples with dollar amounts on them as currency
* Raccoon Melt has been taken off the value menu
Novembber 21, 9:30 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Please stop accepting carpet samples with dollar amounts on them as currency
* Raccoon Melt has been taken off the value menu
Novembber 21, 9:30 a.m.
November 19, 2010
For sale
Cell phone bill
* $167.43 was due by October 7
* Pen (black) to write check free rental with purchase
$140 or best offer
Wayne 555-1746
* $167.43 was due by October 7
* Pen (black) to write check free rental with purchase
$140 or best offer
Wayne 555-1746
"Isn't it about time you paid this cell phone bill?"
- Wayne
November 18, 2010
Opportunities
The Leckburg Community Center has several night classes still available.
Pick one that's right for you-
Avoiding Large Trees - 5 seats available
December 3-10; 11-18
* Longtime professor Carl Burkhalter provides the lessons you'll need to stand clear of some of the world's most intimidating trees.
How to Make a Salad - 8 seats available
December 10-17
* Course includes a three-day crouton tutorial.
Reading the Dictionary - 19 seats available
January 2-8, 2011
* This intensive, seven-day course, taught by Dr. Janice Hemphill, explores man's oldest foe. Breakout sessions include:
- When am I going to get to the W's?
- How come no one in the A's will tell me why the zebra did it?
Prerequisite: Opening the Dictionary
Throwing Things at People and Blaming Someone Else - 10 seats available
January 22-24; 27-29
* Part 2 of Professor Tavaris Mitchell's world-renowned course, which includes:
- Throwing popcorn at the movies: they'll never know
- Your little sister did it
Leckburg Community Center - 805 Browning Circle, Plumptin
Pick one that's right for you-
Avoiding Large Trees - 5 seats available
December 3-10; 11-18
* Longtime professor Carl Burkhalter provides the lessons you'll need to stand clear of some of the world's most intimidating trees.
How to Make a Salad - 8 seats available
December 10-17
* Course includes a three-day crouton tutorial.
Reading the Dictionary - 19 seats available
January 2-8, 2011
* This intensive, seven-day course, taught by Dr. Janice Hemphill, explores man's oldest foe. Breakout sessions include:
- When am I going to get to the W's?
- How come no one in the A's will tell me why the zebra did it?
Prerequisite: Opening the Dictionary
Throwing Things at People and Blaming Someone Else - 10 seats available
January 22-24; 27-29
* Part 2 of Professor Tavaris Mitchell's world-renowned course, which includes:
- Throwing popcorn at the movies: they'll never know
- Your little sister did it
Leckburg Community Center - 805 Browning Circle, Plumptin
November 17, 2010
For sale
T-shirts
* Orange (missing left sleeve)
* Danny and the Uncomfortable-World Tour, 2002
* Flying sticks of butter
* Salad Olympics 1996 (autographed by bronze medalist Ralph Shelley)
* Shoelace Shop 1,000th Customer
* Red w/blue cheese dressing stain
$6 each
Mark 555-8070
* Orange (missing left sleeve)
* Danny and the Uncomfortable-World Tour, 2002
* Flying sticks of butter
* Salad Olympics 1996 (autographed by bronze medalist Ralph Shelley)
* Shoelace Shop 1,000th Customer
* Red w/blue cheese dressing stain
$6 each
Mark 555-8070
November 16, 2010
For sale
VHS
* My husband Terry's Right Said Fred tribute concert in the bath tub (October, 1994)
* I recorded last Saturday's 6:00 p.m. news
Call for pricing list
Hank 555-4481
* My husband Terry's Right Said Fred tribute concert in the bath tub (October, 1994)
* I recorded last Saturday's 6:00 p.m. news
Call for pricing list
Hank 555-4481
TV listings
Check out WDER's new Tuesday lineup!
REALITY TV
Are You Dumber Than Randy? - 8:00 p.m.
Randy puts on his jacket underneath his dress shirt again.
Who Wants To Marry a Possum? - 9:00 p.m.
Andrea has cold feet because her fiance, Pointy, ate her shoes.
Watch Me Eat Thumb Tacks - 10:00 p.m.
Team 6 is disqualified for trying to pass off toothpick pieces as thumb tacks, and after a three-hour session a delirious Jeffrey mistakenly puts a thumb tack in his nose and has to spend a night in the paper shredder.
LATE-NIGHT MOVIE
REALITY TV
Are You Dumber Than Randy? - 8:00 p.m.
Randy puts on his jacket underneath his dress shirt again.
Who Wants To Marry a Possum? - 9:00 p.m.
Andrea has cold feet because her fiance, Pointy, ate her shoes.
Watch Me Eat Thumb Tacks - 10:00 p.m.
Team 6 is disqualified for trying to pass off toothpick pieces as thumb tacks, and after a three-hour session a delirious Jeffrey mistakenly puts a thumb tack in his nose and has to spend a night in the paper shredder.
LATE-NIGHT MOVIE
Parakeet At The Plate - 11:00 p.m.
5:45 a.m. - Pointing at Leaves with Steve
5:45 a.m. - Pointing at Leaves with Steve
November 15, 2010
Heads for sale
Freezer-wide clearance
1. Left ear bigger than right
1. Left ear bigger than right
2. Tattoos on back of neck: BLESSSED (faded, but still visible); BLESSED
3. Squirrel (3)
4. No eyebrows; bald
$50 each
**November special**
- Body only: 5-7, 137 pounds; brown jacket; no arm hair - $15
Barry 555-4374
3. Squirrel (3)
4. No eyebrows; bald
$50 each
**November special**
- Body only: 5-7, 137 pounds; brown jacket; no arm hair - $15
Barry 555-4374
November 14, 2010
House for sale
A fixer-upper to die for. Seriously, the last guy who owned the house died fixing it up.
You won't die though.
* Caterpillar army free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2009 film Roof Leak at Tiffany's
$1,400 or best offer
Tiffany 555-3097
Open house: November 13, 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.
410 Lentock Avenue, Kaynesport
November 13, 2010
For sale
Softball glove
* Responsible for Plumptin County 35-over league-record 7 errors in one inning (May, 2005)
* Chocolate syrup stains included with purchase
* Appeared in the 2008 film Field of Hakeems
$16
Eric 555-6833
* Responsible for Plumptin County 35-over league-record 7 errors in one inning (May, 2005)
* Chocolate syrup stains included with purchase
* Appeared in the 2008 film Field of Hakeems
$16
Eric 555-6833
November 12, 2010
For sale
1/2 bag of potato chips
* Penguin Chips-brand™
* Several finger nail pieces free with purchase
$3
Bobby 555-2323
* Penguin Chips-brand™
* Several finger nail pieces free with purchase
$3
Bobby 555-2323
November 11, 2010
For rent
Magazines
Paper Clip Historian's Monthly (June, 2001; July, 2001)
Paper Clip Historian's Monthly (June, 2001; July, 2001)
Brussel Sprout Sports For Kids (April, 1995; November, 1995)
Envelope Trader (September, 2009)
Envelope Trader (September, 2009)
Pointing At Lettuce (December, 1983)
$2/hour
Brevin 555-4414
$2/hour
Brevin 555-4414
November 10, 2010
Meetings
Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #46
November meeting
On the agenda:
* We do not offer psychiatric evaluations at the drive-thru
* We're turning off the milkshake machine until we find Melanie's tooth
* Please stop accepting fish food as currency
November 12, 1:00 p.m.
November meeting
On the agenda:
* We do not offer psychiatric evaluations at the drive-thru
* We're turning off the milkshake machine until we find Melanie's tooth
* Please stop accepting fish food as currency
November 12, 1:00 p.m.
November 9, 2010
For sale
Electric bill
* $53.79 due, $36.44 due immediately
* Envelope sold separately
Trent 555-4120
* $53.79 due, $36.44 due immediately
* Envelope sold separately
Trent 555-4120
November 8, 2010
Services
Amy the Advice Lady for hire
"I must advise you to pay up front."
* Don't put scrambled eggs in your apple juice
* Whatever you find in your belly button, keep it to yourself
* Please don't name your first-born child after a vegetable
* It's not a good idea to mail photographs of your atom's apple to your ex-girlfriends
* There's no reason to go underwear shopping for a hamster
Call for rates and availability
555-2591
"I must advise you to pay up front."
* Don't put scrambled eggs in your apple juice
* Whatever you find in your belly button, keep it to yourself
* Please don't name your first-born child after a vegetable
* It's not a good idea to mail photographs of your atom's apple to your ex-girlfriends
* There's no reason to go underwear shopping for a hamster
Call for rates and availability
555-2591
November 7, 2010
Letter from the editor
I'm happy to announce the search for Ronald Wesley has ended: he was underneath the sink. Thank you to those who donated raccoons for the search. Just a reminder, the 2010 Celery Olympics has been moved to November 20, and we've just received a conformation that Ernie and the Unapproachable will be performing the national anthem.
- Derwood Morris
Help Wanted
WANTED: TROPHY VANDAL
I'm looking for the person(s) that ripped the golden salamander off of my trophy. All that's left is his sneakers.
If you have any information call Rory: 555-3108
I'm looking for the person(s) that ripped the golden salamander off of my trophy. All that's left is his sneakers.
If you have any information call Rory: 555-3108
November 6, 2010
Events
Are you a 'the pizza is half-eaten' type of person?
Sign up for the 1st annual We Can Do This! Festival
Check out one of our self-help seminars:
* This glass is half-dirty
* Q&A with Captain Positive
* I shouldn't have come to this festival
Plus: 2010 Smile Fair
"I'm not sure this is going to work."
- Mitch Hamlin, Kaynesport Post
November 20-21, 2010 - Norris County Fairgrounds
Sign up for the 1st annual We Can Do This! Festival
Check out one of our self-help seminars:
* This glass is half-dirty
* Q&A with Captain Positive
* I shouldn't have come to this festival
Plus: 2010 Smile Fair
"I'm not sure this is going to work."
- Mitch Hamlin, Kaynesport Post
November 20-21, 2010 - Norris County Fairgrounds
November 5, 2010
For sale
Peanut shells
* Over 60 available
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Garrison Family Peanut Fight
$15 for whole collection
Brendon 555-9918
* Over 60 available
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Garrison Family Peanut Fight
$15 for whole collection
Brendon 555-9918
November 4, 2010
Meetings
Car pool to work
Pre-November 7 meeting
November 6 at 3:00 p.m., back seat of Tom's station wagon
Pre-November 7 meeting
November 6 at 3:00 p.m., back seat of Tom's station wagon
For sale
Office supplies for sale
Notepads
Yellow-lined - 5 for $10
Small, white-lined with unicorn stencils - $1 each
Used notepads - .25 each
Calendars
Three-year organizer (red; missing October, 2013) - $6
Baby Possums wall calendar - $25
Business cards
Blank - 100 for $5
Jim Stanicek, CEO, The Chili Shack - $2
Bobby 555-2323
Notepads
Yellow-lined - 5 for $10
Small, white-lined with unicorn stencils - $1 each
Used notepads - .25 each
Calendars
Three-year organizer (red; missing October, 2013) - $6
Baby Possums wall calendar - $25
Business cards
Blank - 100 for $5
Jim Stanicek, CEO, The Chili Shack - $2
Bobby 555-2323
November 3, 2010
Services
Bad Habits Boot Camp
Sign up for one of our weekend sessions
* Father/son special-50% off
November 5-7
*November 12-14
November 19-21
*December 3-5
December 10-12
We'll help you break these habits and more!
* Air/steering wheel drumming
* Armpit hair yanking
* Aggressive pant zippering
* Bug spray digestion
* Fake sneezing
* Uncle shoving
* Boot camp fleeing
$500 per session
Bad Habits Boot Camp 555-2100
Sign up for one of our weekend sessions
* Father/son special-50% off
November 5-7
*November 12-14
November 19-21
*December 3-5
December 10-12
We'll help you break these habits and more!
* Air/steering wheel drumming
* Armpit hair yanking
* Aggressive pant zippering
* Bug spray digestion
* Fake sneezing
* Uncle shoving
* Boot camp fleeing
$500 per session
Bad Habits Boot Camp 555-2100
November 2, 2010
Meetings
Save the Water Fountains - Kaynesport Chapter
November meeting
Items to discuss:
* Pouring water bottles out on the customers as they were leaving the convenience store wasn't as effective of a protest as we had hoped
* It has been confirmed: Rodney was hiding under the Helin Morgan Elementary School Hall 7 water fountain
* Our sister organization, Save the Gum in the Water Fountains, has been disbanded
November 4, 9:30 a.m. at headquarters
November meeting
Items to discuss:
* Pouring water bottles out on the customers as they were leaving the convenience store wasn't as effective of a protest as we had hoped
* It has been confirmed: Rodney was hiding under the Helin Morgan Elementary School Hall 7 water fountain
* Our sister organization, Save the Gum in the Water Fountains, has been disbanded
November 4, 9:30 a.m. at headquarters
For sale
Reality TV shows on DVD
* Bowling Wives-The Complete Series
* How Much Change Is In My Couch? - Final Season (w/deleted scenes)
* Worm Shop - Season 1
$8 each
Angela 555-2611
* Bowling Wives-The Complete Series
* How Much Change Is In My Couch? - Final Season (w/deleted scenes)
* Worm Shop - Season 1
$8 each
Angela 555-2611
November 1, 2010
For sale
Used books
Hopscotch Can't Happen Here - Louis Sidney
To Pocket a Mockingbird - Harriet Vance
Lord of the Sighs - Carter Lindon
$5 each
Danielle 555-7007
Hopscotch Can't Happen Here - Louis Sidney
To Pocket a Mockingbird - Harriet Vance
Lord of the Sighs - Carter Lindon
$5 each
Danielle 555-7007
Free items
Bus seat
* #17 bus, 14th row aisle seat
* Man next to you is named Seth and will try to sell you one of his socks
Trying to get off at this next stop, so, give me a call
Margaret 555-4911
* #17 bus, 14th row aisle seat
* Man next to you is named Seth and will try to sell you one of his socks
Trying to get off at this next stop, so, give me a call
Margaret 555-4911
October 31, 2010
Meetings
Sam's Salad Buffet
Full staff meeting
On the agenda:
* We do not offer chiropractic care at the drive thru
* Why the Russian dressing-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* The customers are not allowed to take home the sneeze guards
Tuesday, 1:00 p.m.
Full staff meeting
On the agenda:
* We do not offer chiropractic care at the drive thru
* Why the Russian dressing-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* The customers are not allowed to take home the sneeze guards
Tuesday, 1:00 p.m.
October 30, 2010
For sale
Magazines
Air Whistler (November, 1994)
Bologna Monthly (June, 2003)
The Journal of Modern American Waving (March, 2009; October 2009)
Ravioli Goggles Maker (January, 2003; May, 2003; August, 2003)
$4 each
Paul 555-8102
Air Whistler (November, 1994)
Bologna Monthly (June, 2003)
The Journal of Modern American Waving (March, 2009; October 2009)
Ravioli Goggles Maker (January, 2003; May, 2003; August, 2003)
$4 each
Paul 555-8102
October 29, 2010
October 28, 2010
For sale
VHS
Honey, I Glued a lot of Paper Clips to the Kids
Dances With Seashells
$3 each or both for $5
Aaron 555-5007
Honey, I Glued a lot of Paper Clips to the Kids
Dances With Seashells
$3 each or both for $5
Aaron 555-5007
October 27, 2010
For sale
Used car for sale
1990 Hixon Raccoon SZ
* 296,000 miles
* Red w/dried horseradish racing stripes
* Missing gas pedal, roof
* Used in the filming of the classic holiday video Whose Baby Daddy Is This?
$68 or best offer
Antonio 555-2122
1990 Hixon Raccoon SZ
* 296,000 miles
* Red w/dried horseradish racing stripes
* Missing gas pedal, roof
* Used in the filming of the classic holiday video Whose Baby Daddy Is This?
$68 or best offer
Antonio 555-2122
October 26, 2010
October 25, 2010
Advertisement
Plumptin City College
"What it was isn't anymore"
Classes forming now for winter semester
* Survey: Guys named Tony
* Giraffes in the Theater
* History of Mustard, 1950-1980
And many more - pick the schedule that's right for you!
Intercollegiate athletics
Go Aardvarks!
* Men's and Women's Lettuce Toss
Co-coaches Tamara Blakeley and John Simpson
* Women's Ear Pulling
Hall of fame coach Wendy Arnold
* Men's Wheelbarrow
Coach Hal Winfield
* Men's Elevator Riding
Coach Pete Hannington
For application/advisement information, call 555-5663
"What it was isn't anymore"
Classes forming now for winter semester
* Survey: Guys named Tony
* Giraffes in the Theater
* History of Mustard, 1950-1980
And many more - pick the schedule that's right for you!
Intercollegiate athletics
Go Aardvarks!
* Men's and Women's Lettuce Toss
Co-coaches Tamara Blakeley and John Simpson
* Women's Ear Pulling
Hall of fame coach Wendy Arnold
* Men's Wheelbarrow
Coach Hal Winfield
* Men's Elevator Riding
Coach Pete Hannington
For application/advisement information, call 555-5663
October 24, 2010
Openings
Paco's Movie House
Grand opening!
November movies:
Karate Frog 2
The Drew Sisters in Forehead Soup
The Devil Wears Reading Glasses
Mustache: Impossible
Documentary films:
Watch Darren Go Bald
Salami Murphy-Live in Kenton City
Paco's - 502 Vanderells Lane, Kaynesport
Grand opening!
November movies:
Karate Frog 2
The Drew Sisters in Forehead Soup
The Devil Wears Reading Glasses
Mustache: Impossible
Documentary films:
Watch Darren Go Bald
Salami Murphy-Live in Kenton City
Paco's - 502 Vanderells Lane, Kaynesport
October 23, 2010
For sale
Rice pool
* Uncooked
* Gravy slide sold separately
$300
Greg and Linda 555-3401
** Interesting trades for pasta bath tubs considered **
* Uncooked
* Gravy slide sold separately
$300
Greg and Linda 555-3401
** Interesting trades for pasta bath tubs considered **
October 22, 2010
For sale
Bologna wallets
* Hand-crafted
* Now available with bread-crust-Velcro
- $15 each
- 10 or more: $12 each
- 50 or more: $9 each
Vinnie 555-5459
* Hand-crafted
* Now available with bread-crust-Velcro
- $15 each
- 10 or more: $12 each
- 50 or more: $9 each
Vinnie 555-5459
October 21, 2010
Meetings
Friends of Ken Laurie
Fall meeting
Items to discuss:
* Who is taking Ken's father to his Arm Pit Pinchers Anonymous meeting, November 6?
* Ken's 7th grade report card: Q&A
* FKL Flashback: May 6, 2001, the day we accidentally kidnapped Len Korie's canary
* Ken Camp 4: what went wrong
October 23, 2:00 p.m.
Fall meeting
Items to discuss:
* Who is taking Ken's father to his Arm Pit Pinchers Anonymous meeting, November 6?
* Ken's 7th grade report card: Q&A
* FKL Flashback: May 6, 2001, the day we accidentally kidnapped Len Korie's canary
* Ken Camp 4: what went wrong
October 23, 2:00 p.m.
October 20, 2010
Services
Freelance critic for hire
Whatever you need criticized, I'm your man.
* jailhouse cafeteria food
* home movies
* how a person really looks in shorts
* in-laws' nostril hair
* your goldfish's intelligence
* sock choice
$9/hour weekdays
$12/hour weekends
Benson 555-2310
Whatever you need criticized, I'm your man.
* jailhouse cafeteria food
* home movies
* how a person really looks in shorts
* in-laws' nostril hair
* your goldfish's intelligence
* sock choice
$9/hour weekdays
$12/hour weekends
Benson 555-2310
Meetings
Goober City Muskrats semi-pro basketball
Pre-season meeting
On the agenda:
- Why we can only play on eight-foot rims in practice
- Q&A: the whereabouts of Coach Jensen's clipboard
- Your socks go on before your shoes
January 4, 7:30 p.m. at Coach Sanderson's house
Pre-season meeting
On the agenda:
- Why we can only play on eight-foot rims in practice
- Q&A: the whereabouts of Coach Jensen's clipboard
- Your socks go on before your shoes
January 4, 7:30 p.m. at Coach Sanderson's house
October 19, 2010
Meetings
Cover to Cover book club
Fall meeting
Books to discuss:
Kevin Stevenson Bible (New Testament) - Stevenson Publishing
The Idiot's Guide to Barbecue Sauce - Valerie Persons
The Encyclopedia of Empty Soda Cans - Chocolate House Publishing
October 22 at Rhonda's town house - 555 Erlinder Street
Fall meeting
Books to discuss:
Kevin Stevenson Bible (New Testament) - Stevenson Publishing
The Idiot's Guide to Barbecue Sauce - Valerie Persons
The Encyclopedia of Empty Soda Cans - Chocolate House Publishing
October 22 at Rhonda's town house - 555 Erlinder Street
October 18, 2010
Meetings
Vance's Chicken Shack
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please do not accept any more blueberries as currency
* Why the mashed potato pants joke is no longer funny
October 20, 1:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please do not accept any more blueberries as currency
* Why the mashed potato pants joke is no longer funny
October 20, 1:00 p.m.
October 17, 2010
For sale
Magazines
Bar Brawler (June, 2005; August, 2005)
Mailbox Flag Insults for Kids (January, 1999; May, 1999)
Salamander Fancy (November, 1994)
Plant Watcher's Digest (July, 2000)
$6 each
Hannah 555-8105
Bar Brawler (June, 2005; August, 2005)
Mailbox Flag Insults for Kids (January, 1999; May, 1999)
Salamander Fancy (November, 1994)
Plant Watcher's Digest (July, 2000)
$6 each
Hannah 555-8105
For sale
Used Halloween costumes
* Squash Girl (missing paper clip goggles)
* Ernie Cole the Orthodontist
* Rubber wheelbarrow
* Barbecue grill cover
* Belly Button Boy (w/rare 1970s ravioli helmet)
Call for pricing list
Will 555-7001
* Squash Girl (missing paper clip goggles)
* Ernie Cole the Orthodontist
* Rubber wheelbarrow
* Barbecue grill cover
* Belly Button Boy (w/rare 1970s ravioli helmet)
Call for pricing list
Will 555-7001
October 16, 2010
Meetings
The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
October meeting
On the agenda:
- Splinter Seminar, Part 5.
- Andrea's new boyfriend, Allen
- Taking responsibility: October 9th's enchilada fight
- What was that noise?
October 18, 7:00 p.m.
October meeting
On the agenda:
- Splinter Seminar, Part 5.
- Andrea's new boyfriend, Allen
- Taking responsibility: October 9th's enchilada fight
- What was that noise?
October 18, 7:00 p.m.
October 15, 2010
October 14, 2010
October 13, 2010
Meetings
Sprinkles Ice Cream Shop
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Bathing in the sherbet: the firing of Donald Belcher and Harriet Jensen
* The soy sauce & vanilla flavor has been taken off the menu
* Vanilla-chocolate swirl has nothing to do with bathroom breaks
October 15, 3:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Bathing in the sherbet: the firing of Donald Belcher and Harriet Jensen
* The soy sauce & vanilla flavor has been taken off the menu
* Vanilla-chocolate swirl has nothing to do with bathroom breaks
October 15, 3:00 p.m.
For rent
Protest signs
"Get Down From My Dining Room Table!"
"Support Local Potatoes: Help Us Keep The Skins On"
"Rodney, Get A Haircut!"
"End Waffle Beatings By 2030"
"Stop The Employment Of Illegal Raccoon Workers: Close Ernieland"
Call for rental prices
Kathy 555-1081
"Get Down From My Dining Room Table!"
"Support Local Potatoes: Help Us Keep The Skins On"
"Rodney, Get A Haircut!"
"End Waffle Beatings By 2030"
"Stop The Employment Of Illegal Raccoon Workers: Close Ernieland"
Call for rental prices
Kathy 555-1081
October 12, 2010
Meetings
11th Street Farmer's Market
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* The cantaloupe soccer game against the customers has been moved to November 7
* Please stop accepting expired oil change coupons as currency
* We do not have a drive thru
* The coconut juice dunk tank has been removed from the break room
October 15, 10:30 a.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* The cantaloupe soccer game against the customers has been moved to November 7
* Please stop accepting expired oil change coupons as currency
* We do not have a drive thru
* The coconut juice dunk tank has been removed from the break room
October 15, 10:30 a.m.
Services
Are you curious as to how you or others look in a mirror?
Call me, I've got a mirror you can use.
$9/hour
Harriet 555-6617
Call me, I've got a mirror you can use.
$9/hour
Harriet 555-6617
October 11, 2010
For sale
Toothpick collection
* Over 1,000
* 173 used (several w/roast beef pieces)
* Part of the cast of the 2003 made-for-TV movie Toothpick Soup: The Choking of Andrew Berchfield
Make me an offer
Greg 555-6816
* Over 1,000
* 173 used (several w/roast beef pieces)
* Part of the cast of the 2003 made-for-TV movie Toothpick Soup: The Choking of Andrew Berchfield
Make me an offer
Greg 555-6816
October 10, 2010
Meetings
Hamburger Hut
Employee meeting
Items to discuss:
* Sandpaper is not a condiment
* The pinching/emergency room visit of cashier Rory Lecksford: Q&A
October 11, 1:00 p.m.
Employee meeting
Items to discuss:
* Sandpaper is not a condiment
* The pinching/emergency room visit of cashier Rory Lecksford: Q&A
October 11, 1:00 p.m.
October 9, 2010
For sale
Glove compartment clearance sale
* Road map (Plumptin County) - $7
* Old vehicle registration cards:
- 1994 Murray's Insurance Co. (rare) - $15
- All others - $1 each
* Half bologna sandwich - $3
* Mystery goo on napkin - $6
* Piece of a pinky (glove compartment accident) - $5
Darryl 555-7057
* Road map (Plumptin County) - $7
* Old vehicle registration cards:
- 1994 Murray's Insurance Co. (rare) - $15
- All others - $1 each
* Half bologna sandwich - $3
* Mystery goo on napkin - $6
* Piece of a pinky (glove compartment accident) - $5
Darryl 555-7057
October 8, 2010
For sale
Football
* Pile of ants underneath free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show So You Think You Can Eat This Football?
$7
Andy 555-0223
** Hurry, Meghan is interested **
* Pile of ants underneath free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show So You Think You Can Eat This Football?
$7
Andy 555-0223
** Hurry, Meghan is interested **
Services
Kelli the Advice Lady
For hire
* Wearing a belt into the shower
* Don't pour sweet and sour sauce into your dress shoes
* No matter how many swamps you visit, you're never going to find "the perfect alligator"
* Spending too much time underneath the couch
and many more!
Call for rates and availability
555-3610
For hire
* Wearing a belt into the shower
* Don't pour sweet and sour sauce into your dress shoes
* No matter how many swamps you visit, you're never going to find "the perfect alligator"
* Spending too much time underneath the couch
and many more!
Call for rates and availability
555-3610
October 7, 2010
For rent
Toilet paper
- Estimated 74 squares remaining
- Rent by length or by the minute
- Ask about our layaway plans
Call 555-1771 for rates
- Estimated 74 squares remaining
- Rent by length or by the minute
- Ask about our layaway plans
Call 555-1771 for rates
October 6, 2010
For sale
Match book
* Autographed by world-famous air triangle player Bobby Feathers
* Used in the filming of the 2010 made-for-TV movie They Came to Burn our Shoelaces
* Matches sold separately
$40
Ira 555-8010
* Autographed by world-famous air triangle player Bobby Feathers
* Used in the filming of the 2010 made-for-TV movie They Came to Burn our Shoelaces
* Matches sold separately
$40
Ira 555-8010
For rent
Well
* Located at 1820 Wuxley Crossing, East Kaynesport
* Fits 1/18 of a person comfortably
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Will Someone Take My Daughter on a Date at the Well? and the 2007 film A Bloody Nose at the Opera
$14/week
Daniel 555-2457
* Located at 1820 Wuxley Crossing, East Kaynesport
* Fits 1/18 of a person comfortably
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Will Someone Take My Daughter on a Date at the Well? and the 2007 film A Bloody Nose at the Opera
$14/week
Daniel 555-2457
October 5, 2010
Help wanted
I'm looking for someone who can talk a woman off the roof of a bus.
* Must know how to operate a fishing pole
Darlene 555-7818
* Must know how to operate a fishing pole
Darlene 555-7818
Services
Corak, Lundy & Hitz
Attorneys-at-law
* Walrus 1
* Impersonating a police whistle
* Harassing bird calls
* Leaving the scene of a level 3 accordion riot
* Powers of receptionist
* Felony water fountain sip-and-run
* Wheelbarrow-chicken rings
Call for rates and availability
555-6106
Attorneys-at-law
* Walrus 1
* Impersonating a police whistle
* Harassing bird calls
* Leaving the scene of a level 3 accordion riot
* Powers of receptionist
* Felony water fountain sip-and-run
* Wheelbarrow-chicken rings
Call for rates and availability
555-6106
For sale
Garage sale
* 1/2 door (with 1/2 blue jay) - $25
* Oil stain photos - 5 for $10
* Uncle Frank - $42
* Uncle Frank's spaghetti eyebrow art collection - $150 or $3 per eyebrow
* Mystery bag - $.75
And many more!
Eric & Lydia 555-2299
* 1/2 door (with 1/2 blue jay) - $25
* Oil stain photos - 5 for $10
* Uncle Frank - $42
* Uncle Frank's spaghetti eyebrow art collection - $150 or $3 per eyebrow
* Mystery bag - $.75
And many more!
Eric & Lydia 555-2299
October 4, 2010
Openings
Limping Fred's Drive-In Movie Theatre
Grand opening!
Fall movies
Chasing Momma Out of the Train
Sockless Man Walking
Karate Raccoon 2
Six Anchovies of Separation
Brand-new documentaries, by TBC Films:
* The People Next Door Don't Have a Roof
* Mouseburgers: The Closing of Beefy's Fast Food Hut Store #118
Limping Fred's - 725 Fingo Street, South Plumptin
Grand opening!
Fall movies
Chasing Momma Out of the Train
Sockless Man Walking
Karate Raccoon 2
Six Anchovies of Separation
Brand-new documentaries, by TBC Films:
* The People Next Door Don't Have a Roof
* Mouseburgers: The Closing of Beefy's Fast Food Hut Store #118
Limping Fred's - 725 Fingo Street, South Plumptin
Elroys for sale
** Over 300 in stock **
- Just bulldozed in
- Perfect for gluing hot dog buns to
Sold out:
* Brown hair
* Fake limps (patented pre-2006 only)
Call for pricing list - 555-4101
- Just bulldozed in
- Perfect for gluing hot dog buns to
Sold out:
* Brown hair
* Fake limps (patented pre-2006 only)
Call for pricing list - 555-4101
For Sale
Rest area bathroom items
Razor
- Orange/white
- Several rust spots
Soap
- Weighs .1 ounce
- Mystery hair sold separately
Razor cover
- Perfect if bought with razor
Make me an offer
Jalen 555-5911
** Hurry, Eddie is interested **
Razor
- Orange/white
- Several rust spots
Soap
- Weighs .1 ounce
- Mystery hair sold separately
Razor cover
- Perfect if bought with razor
Make me an offer
Jalen 555-5911
** Hurry, Eddie is interested **
October 3, 2010
Meetings
Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #42
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Instead of the ketchup dispenser, please start using the sink to wash your hands
* The jumping out from behind the counter and scaring the customers with bacon face joke is no longer funny
* You're not allowed to give manicures at the drive-thru window
October 5, 10:30 a.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Instead of the ketchup dispenser, please start using the sink to wash your hands
* The jumping out from behind the counter and scaring the customers with bacon face joke is no longer funny
* You're not allowed to give manicures at the drive-thru window
October 5, 10:30 a.m.
October 2, 2010
For sale
Pen cap collection
* Over 400 available
* Part of the reality TV show Pen Cap Eating Contest: All Stars
Call for pricing list
Dimitri 555-7111
* Over 400 available
* Part of the reality TV show Pen Cap Eating Contest: All Stars
Call for pricing list
Dimitri 555-7111
Meetings
Plumptin Press
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Call-takers on the Friday night sports desk: for the last time, pinching is not a sport
* The obituary page is not for pens that ran out of ink
October 4, 9:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Call-takers on the Friday night sports desk: for the last time, pinching is not a sport
* The obituary page is not for pens that ran out of ink
October 4, 9:00 a.m.
October 1, 2010
September 30, 2010
Meetings
Sleepwalkers Anonymous
October meeting
Topics to discuss:
- Sleep battle rapping: Q&A
- Is Ernie faking?
- Sleep running 101
October 5, 8:00 p.m.
October meeting
Topics to discuss:
- Sleep battle rapping: Q&A
- Is Ernie faking?
- Sleep running 101
October 5, 8:00 p.m.
For sale
Dental bill
- $227.43 due
- Filled out, printed by receptionist Diane
$200 or best offer
Patricia 555-2303
** Mailing address for collection agency sold separately **
- $227.43 due
- Filled out, printed by receptionist Diane
$200 or best offer
Patricia 555-2303
** Mailing address for collection agency sold separately **
September 29, 2010
Meetings
Men in Refrigerators
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
* The asparagus-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* Our softball game against the Men Near Microwaves has been moved to October 9
Tomorrow, 1:00 p.m.
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
* The asparagus-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* Our softball game against the Men Near Microwaves has been moved to October 9
Tomorrow, 1:00 p.m.
For sale
Music albums on CD
Houses of the Moldy - Silver Tooth
Under the Chandelier and Standing - Bert Sansing Trio
Murray and the Coldcuts Live at Nosehole, 8/7/96
My Big, Fat, Greek Sister: Soundtrack - Various artists
$6 each
Harold 555-6891
Houses of the Moldy - Silver Tooth
Under the Chandelier and Standing - Bert Sansing Trio
Murray and the Coldcuts Live at Nosehole, 8/7/96
My Big, Fat, Greek Sister: Soundtrack - Various artists
$6 each
Harold 555-6891
September 28, 2010
Casting call
The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Toll Booth on the Roof.
- Ivan
- Smooshed banana art salesman, Clem Sanferd
- Dream Wendell
- Ice Cube War historian
- Evil Juan
- Voice of singing ketchup packet
- Coleslaw Man/Coleslaw Man alter ego, Ernie Brown
** We're also looking for someone who can talk a woman down from an airplane wing **
Auditions - October 2, 1:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at our new building on Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
- Ivan
- Smooshed banana art salesman, Clem Sanferd
- Dream Wendell
- Ice Cube War historian
- Evil Juan
- Voice of singing ketchup packet
- Coleslaw Man/Coleslaw Man alter ego, Ernie Brown
** We're also looking for someone who can talk a woman down from an airplane wing **
Auditions - October 2, 1:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at our new building on Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
TV listings
Check out WDOO's new Tuesday lineup!
REALITY TV
America's Got Lunch Meat - 8:00 p.m.
Amy's Tower of Turkey collapses and she has to spend a day in the mayo pit.
Grocery Store - 10:00 p.m.
The cashiers argue over the code for lemons and deli manager Bert is again caught sleeping in a pile of recalled cereal and is forced to take a leave of absence.
Late Night Picture - 11:00 p.m.
Movie of Scenes
6:10 a.m. - Wearing a turtleneck into the pool
REALITY TV
America's Got Lunch Meat - 8:00 p.m.
Amy's Tower of Turkey collapses and she has to spend a day in the mayo pit.
Grocery Store - 10:00 p.m.
The cashiers argue over the code for lemons and deli manager Bert is again caught sleeping in a pile of recalled cereal and is forced to take a leave of absence.
Late Night Picture - 11:00 p.m.
Movie of Scenes
6:10 a.m. - Wearing a turtleneck into the pool
September 27, 2010
For sale
Shampoo gun
* Used by Deke Murdock during his silver medal-winning performance at the 2008 Shower Olympics
* Comes with three practice wigs
* Dandruff-catcher neck pillow sold separately
$40
Trevor 555-4758
* Used by Deke Murdock during his silver medal-winning performance at the 2008 Shower Olympics
* Comes with three practice wigs
* Dandruff-catcher neck pillow sold separately
$40
Trevor 555-4758
September 26, 2010
Meetings
Sanjai's Stationery
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* We've looked at the photographs: spaghetti and staple removers do not make a good couple
* The white out overdose of Henry Rawson: Q&A
* The paper cut attacks of 2010: aftermath
September 28, 4:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* We've looked at the photographs: spaghetti and staple removers do not make a good couple
* The white out overdose of Henry Rawson: Q&A
* The paper cut attacks of 2010: aftermath
September 28, 4:00 p.m.
September 25, 2010
For sale
Used books
Idiot's Guide to the Salt Shaker - Ed. Penny Cartwright
In Times of Promiscuous Pinching - Lawrence Toliver
The Encyclopedia of Chewed Gum - Chocolate House Publishing
An Illustrated History of Astro Turf Eating Contests - Kenny Persons
$3 each
Jan 555-8100
Idiot's Guide to the Salt Shaker - Ed. Penny Cartwright
In Times of Promiscuous Pinching - Lawrence Toliver
The Encyclopedia of Chewed Gum - Chocolate House Publishing
An Illustrated History of Astro Turf Eating Contests - Kenny Persons
$3 each
Jan 555-8100
September 24, 2010
Home for sale
1 BR
6 BATH
2 SALAMI CAPE
* Former headquarters for support groups:
- "Women Named Vanessa" (Kaynesport chapter)
- "Fake Limps Anonymous"
* Grandpa Rob/Grandpa Rob's peanut shell collection (approximately 11,000 shells as of September 22) come with house
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show Are You Smellier Than a 3rd Grader?
Open house - October 2 from 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
4755 Scooner Crossing, East Kaynesport
September 23, 2010
Advertisments
A memo on Glug
Grow height to make the womens swoo and catch your head in the clowns.
Squirts will rise in a ceiling of celery.
** If potion is injected through the peanut, peas, construct a magician **
Call 555-7881 for free insult
Grow height to make the womens swoo and catch your head in the clowns.
Squirts will rise in a ceiling of celery.
** If potion is injected through the peanut, peas, construct a magician **
Call 555-7881 for free insult
September 22, 2010
Public Service Announcement
Talk to your kids about hot dog ankles, before someone else does.
Call 555-4455 for more information.
Meetings
Plumptin High School 2010 Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting
On the agenda:
* Wheelbarrow rides to and from the gym begin at 6:00 p.m. the day of the dance
* Who is going to the dance with Mrs. Vanderells this year so Andrew doesn't have to again?
September 23, 4:00 p.m. in the media center
Committee meeting
On the agenda:
* Wheelbarrow rides to and from the gym begin at 6:00 p.m. the day of the dance
* Who is going to the dance with Mrs. Vanderells this year so Andrew doesn't have to again?
September 23, 4:00 p.m. in the media center
September 21, 2010
For sale
Grocery bill
- $31.93 due
- Free grape OR handshake from bag boy Eric with purchase (Eric's choice)
- Located at the Paysoon Grocery, Store #119, register 6
$25
Bill 555-7991
** Please, only serious offers **
- $31.93 due
- Free grape OR handshake from bag boy Eric with purchase (Eric's choice)
- Located at the Paysoon Grocery, Store #119, register 6
$25
Bill 555-7991
** Please, only serious offers **
Openings
Bunky's Used Video Games
Grand opening!
Fall, 2010 top sellers:
Lawnmower Thief
Jaywalk Olympics '04
Johnny Squirmer: Escape from Under the Sink
Captain Radish vs. Europe
Murray Schneider: Orthodontist
Bunky's - 556 Old Plumptin Avenue, East Plumptin
Grand opening!
Fall, 2010 top sellers:
Lawnmower Thief
Jaywalk Olympics '04
Johnny Squirmer: Escape from Under the Sink
Captain Radish vs. Europe
Murray Schneider: Orthodontist
Bunky's - 556 Old Plumptin Avenue, East Plumptin
House for rent
1/9 BR
1 BATH/NUDGING ROOM
1 STEAK SAUCE POOL
* Arm hair collection free with rental agreement (over 1,000 hairs)
* Used in the filming of the 1999 music video Banana in the Mirror
$117/month
Pete 555-3322
September 20, 2010
For sale
Couch
* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV spinoff show How Much Change is in Brandon's Couch?!
* Spilled cocktail sauce on middle cushion free w/purchase
$40
Brandon 555-6993
* Dead squirrel (Otto) under left cushion sold separately *
* Near-mint condition
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV spinoff show How Much Change is in Brandon's Couch?!
* Spilled cocktail sauce on middle cushion free w/purchase
$40
Brandon 555-6993
* Dead squirrel (Otto) under left cushion sold separately *
For sale
T-shirts
* Torqiouse w/ripped pocket
* "Save the Lemons: Help us keep the peels on"
* PENCIL EATING CONTEST CHAMPION
* "Elbow/Knee Fest 1986 (with nacho cheese and squirrel blood stains)
$15 each
Brandy 555-8170
* Torqiouse w/ripped pocket
* "Save the Lemons: Help us keep the peels on"
* PENCIL EATING CONTEST CHAMPION
* "Elbow/Knee Fest 1986 (with nacho cheese and squirrel blood stains)
$15 each
Brandy 555-8170
September 19, 2010
Services
Air saxophone lessons
* Must provide own saxophone
* Special thumb-in-mouth tutorials (NEW!)
* Free audition tape available at completion of lesson
$35/hour
Andrew 555-6617
* Must provide own saxophone
* Special thumb-in-mouth tutorials (NEW!)
* Free audition tape available at completion of lesson
$35/hour
Andrew 555-6617
September 18, 2010
Services
Janice McCullers
Psychiatrist for hire
"Let's punch the loony out of you"
* Shower curtain tattoo regret
* The voices inside my fireplace
* Fear of mashed potato riots
* Embellishing my cat's vertical leap
* Over-pointing
* "I hate my grandson's cough"
* Inadequacy in the coat room
Call 555-1121 to schedule an appointment
Psychiatrist for hire
"Let's punch the loony out of you"
* Shower curtain tattoo regret
* The voices inside my fireplace
* Fear of mashed potato riots
* Embellishing my cat's vertical leap
* Over-pointing
* "I hate my grandson's cough"
* Inadequacy in the coat room
Call 555-1121 to schedule an appointment
September 17, 2010
For sale
VHS
My Best Friend's Welting
Deodorant! The Musical
The Hand we Hid in the Cradle
The Last American Bandaid
$6 each
Tabitha 555-8008
My Best Friend's Welting
Deodorant! The Musical
The Hand we Hid in the Cradle
The Last American Bandaid
$6 each
Tabitha 555-8008
September 16, 2010
Meetings
Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #117
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
- Where not to clip your toe nails
- Remembering Barry the Beefy's Bumblebee
September 17, 7:00 p.m.
Say hello to new cashier, Hillary: 7:25 p.m. - 7:30 p.m.
Fall meeting
On the agenda:
- Where not to clip your toe nails
- Remembering Barry the Beefy's Bumblebee
September 17, 7:00 p.m.
Say hello to new cashier, Hillary: 7:25 p.m. - 7:30 p.m.
September 15, 2010
September 14, 2010
Announcements
Drunville Blastos Baseball
Additions to the 2010 promotional calendar
September 20: Artichoke Night
September 22: Bring Your Ernie to the Park
October 5: Shampoo Night
October 7: Whip Sneakers at the Left Fielder
October 22: Ace Callaway replica asparagus wig (first 10,000 fans)
October 23: Sneeze on the Owner's Grandson
Call 555-DRUN for tickets
Additions to the 2010 promotional calendar
September 20: Artichoke Night
September 22: Bring Your Ernie to the Park
October 5: Shampoo Night
October 7: Whip Sneakers at the Left Fielder
October 22: Ace Callaway replica asparagus wig (first 10,000 fans)
October 23: Sneeze on the Owner's Grandson
Call 555-DRUN for tickets
September 13, 2010
Religious visions
I discovered the image of our lord and savior, Rory Barfield, on my tube sock.
Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my spare bedroom.
Artist's Rendering
* $100 per viewing
* Replica Rory Socks™ also available
1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport
Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my spare bedroom.
Artist's Rendering
* $100 per viewing
* Replica Rory Socks™ also available
1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport
September 12, 2010
Events
Plumptin Centipedes Semi-pro baseball
Post-season meeting/banquet
Banquet schedule:
6:45-7:00 p.m. - Coat removal
7:00-7:30 - Video screening of wet cement fight after last week's loss to Booey
7:30-7:50 - Q&A: wet cement fight
7:50-8:00 - What a 19-33 season means
8:00-9:00 - Dinner
- Various dry noodles
- Water
9:00-11:30 - Post-season awards
* Shortest walk to stage
* Most attractive/least attractive wife
* Purplest bruise
* Best smile
* Dislocation of the year
and more!
September 22 at the Cucumber Palace Restaurant - Hammond Grove location
Post-season meeting/banquet
Banquet schedule:
6:45-7:00 p.m. - Coat removal
7:00-7:30 - Video screening of wet cement fight after last week's loss to Booey
7:30-7:50 - Q&A: wet cement fight
7:50-8:00 - What a 19-33 season means
8:00-9:00 - Dinner
- Various dry noodles
- Water
9:00-11:30 - Post-season awards
* Shortest walk to stage
* Most attractive/least attractive wife
* Purplest bruise
* Best smile
* Dislocation of the year
and more!
September 22 at the Cucumber Palace Restaurant - Hammond Grove location
September 11, 2010
Obituary
Reginald Callahan
1931-2010
Reginald, the former governor of the mailbox and surrounding patch of grass in his front lawn, died of an apparent refrigerator magnet overdose. Mr. Callahan was one of the founding members of the political organization S.O.S.L. (Separation of Sandals and Lasagna) and played air flute in the musical group Noodle Paco. He is survived by his pet vegetable slicer, Irwin.
1931-2010
Reginald, the former governor of the mailbox and surrounding patch of grass in his front lawn, died of an apparent refrigerator magnet overdose. Mr. Callahan was one of the founding members of the political organization S.O.S.L. (Separation of Sandals and Lasagna) and played air flute in the musical group Noodle Paco. He is survived by his pet vegetable slicer, Irwin.
September 10, 2010
For sale
Arm & hand
* Rubber
* Received in a trade for a plastic ear (May, 2002)
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Knuckle Eating Contest: The Rise and Fall of Cal McReynolds
$4
Andy 555-4426
* Rubber
* Received in a trade for a plastic ear (May, 2002)
* Used in the filming of the 2009 documentary Knuckle Eating Contest: The Rise and Fall of Cal McReynolds
$4
Andy 555-4426
September 9, 2010
Meetings
Cheechio's Restaurant
Server's meeting
Items to discuss:
* The customers are not allowed to take home their booth
* Please stop accepting paper bags with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* Mustard on a napkin is not a side item
September 12, 3:00 p.m.
Server's meeting
Items to discuss:
* The customers are not allowed to take home their booth
* Please stop accepting paper bags with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* Mustard on a napkin is not a side item
September 12, 3:00 p.m.
September 8, 2010
Announcements
The Kaynesport Pythons 35+ fall baseball team has been selected!
2010 roster:
* returning player
1. Peakus Graham
2. Ozzie Cronin
3. J.R. Pershack
4. Morris Delwood*
5. Paper Clip Martin*
6. Simple Blinky
7. Dunkin Flapper*
8. Pete Schutz
9. Spaghetti Johnson*
10. Mel Cronin
11. Silly Toes McAfferty
12. Robin Curly
13. Marty Eefis*
14. Esteban Quinones*
First practice: September 17, 1:00 p.m. at field 6
* Please bring your own socks *
2010 roster:
* returning player
1. Peakus Graham
2. Ozzie Cronin
3. J.R. Pershack
4. Morris Delwood*
5. Paper Clip Martin*
6. Simple Blinky
7. Dunkin Flapper*
8. Pete Schutz
9. Spaghetti Johnson*
10. Mel Cronin
11. Silly Toes McAfferty
12. Robin Curly
13. Marty Eefis*
14. Esteban Quinones*
First practice: September 17, 1:00 p.m. at field 6
* Please bring your own socks *
September 7, 2010
Destinations
Visit the Plunger County Prison & Museum
Check out our Fall, 2010 special exhibits:
**Getaway Cars of the 1990s
Includes the Beano Brothers' red station wagon (*with world-famous salami stains on front windshield*)
**Solitary Peep Shows
See some of the world's worst criminals locked in solitary confinement and put in provocative positions like:
- Fetal
- Laying down
- Arguing with himself
- Rodent Circus promoter
Plus:
Lunch tray fights
Plunger County Prison & Museum - 245 Ansley Lane, Plumptin
Check out our Fall, 2010 special exhibits:
**Getaway Cars of the 1990s
Includes the Beano Brothers' red station wagon (*with world-famous salami stains on front windshield*)
**Solitary Peep Shows
See some of the world's worst criminals locked in solitary confinement and put in provocative positions like:
- Fetal
- Laying down
- Arguing with himself
- Rodent Circus promoter
Plus:
Lunch tray fights
Plunger County Prison & Museum - 245 Ansley Lane, Plumptin
September 6, 2010
Meetings
Friends of Randy Attley
September meeting
On the agenda:
- FRA Flashback, July 12, 2007: the day we met Andy Rattly
- Randy's new earlobe implants
- Randy can only fit 17 grapes into his mouth at once, not 18
September 9, 4:00 p.m.
September meeting
On the agenda:
- FRA Flashback, July 12, 2007: the day we met Andy Rattly
- Randy's new earlobe implants
- Randy can only fit 17 grapes into his mouth at once, not 18
September 9, 4:00 p.m.
For sale
Change
- 3 dimes
- 1 nickle (w/cat hair stuck to it by maple syrup *RARE*)
$2
Jeremy 555-3329
* Hurry, Uncle Evan is interested *
- 3 dimes
- 1 nickle (w/cat hair stuck to it by maple syrup *RARE*)
$2
Jeremy 555-3329
* Hurry, Uncle Evan is interested *
September 5, 2010
For sale
Magazines
Official Program of the 2002 Butter Fest (July, 1999; August, 1999)
Runny Nose (March, 2002; June, 2002)
The Journal of Modern American Shouting (December, 2004; May, 2005)
Highway On-Ramp Juggler (January, 2000)
$5 each
Charlene 555-8191
Official Program of the 2002 Butter Fest (July, 1999; August, 1999)
Runny Nose (March, 2002; June, 2002)
The Journal of Modern American Shouting (December, 2004; May, 2005)
Highway On-Ramp Juggler (January, 2000)
$5 each
Charlene 555-8191
September 4, 2010
Services
Fernz, Gwendy & Capolo Attorneys at Law
* Piccolonapping
* Failure to leave the scene of a goose taunting
* Embezzling plums
* Impersonating a police officer's mother-in-law
* Possession of bluejay feathers with intent to distribute
* Attempted Breadstick 1
* Failure to remove crab cake helmet and edible tube socks in a government building
Call 555-3319 for a free consultation
* Piccolonapping
* Failure to leave the scene of a goose taunting
* Embezzling plums
* Impersonating a police officer's mother-in-law
* Possession of bluejay feathers with intent to distribute
* Attempted Breadstick 1
* Failure to remove crab cake helmet and edible tube socks in a government building
Call 555-3319 for a free consultation
Services
** Morris' Now Available **
- Just wheelbarrowed in
- Available for celery fights
- Over 8,000 in stock
- Perfect for thumb tacking things to
Call 555-5614 for pricing list
- Just wheelbarrowed in
- Available for celery fights
- Over 8,000 in stock
- Perfect for thumb tacking things to
Call 555-5614 for pricing list
September 3, 2010
Openings
Jimmy's Restaurant
Grand re-opening
"We got rid of the bird's nests ya'll!"
New menu items:
- Carpet pudding
- Gary elbow salad
- Grilled envelope w/butter sauce
- Jimmy's world-famous band aid soup
- Paper towel pizza
- Eyebrow pasta w/meat sauce
Jimmy's - 410 Bechtold St., Kaynesport
Grand re-opening
"We got rid of the bird's nests ya'll!"
New menu items:
- Carpet pudding
- Gary elbow salad
- Grilled envelope w/butter sauce
- Jimmy's world-famous band aid soup
- Paper towel pizza
- Eyebrow pasta w/meat sauce
Jimmy's - 410 Bechtold St., Kaynesport
September 2, 2010
Meetings
Hepsen Valley Youth Football Bulldogs
Team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Moms are no longer allowed on the sideline or to call plays
* Where in the end zone did we bury coach Abrams' wallet?
* A chin strap is not edible no matter how long you fry it
September 3, 4:30 p.m. at field 3
Team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Moms are no longer allowed on the sideline or to call plays
* Where in the end zone did we bury coach Abrams' wallet?
* A chin strap is not edible no matter how long you fry it
September 3, 4:30 p.m. at field 3
September 1, 2010
For sale
Domain names for sale
www.salamirandolph.net
www.fireassistantprincipalherman.blogspot.com
www.moviescriptdatabase.com/2008_whatsscreaminginglennsfreezer
www.namesigavemyheadlice.blogspot.com
www.thingsifoundintrevorsnose.net
www.filefoldereatingcontest.com/pastchampions_peteryu
www.eggrollsiveyettoeat.com
$20 each
Harry 555-4410
www.salamirandolph.net
www.fireassistantprincipalherman.blogspot.com
www.moviescriptdatabase.com/2008_whatsscreaminginglennsfreezer
www.namesigavemyheadlice.blogspot.com
www.thingsifoundintrevorsnose.net
www.filefoldereatingcontest.com/pastchampions_peteryu
www.eggrollsiveyettoeat.com
$20 each
Harry 555-4410
For sale
Stamps
"Pinch Olympics Champions"
* Ernie Wilfong (rare) - $100
* Quinton James - $45
"Legends of the 1973 Marshmallow Hostage Negotiations"
* Sgt. Ben Venable - $10
"Deadliest Raccoons-Series IV"
* Rodney - $25
All in mint condition
Carlton 555-3444
"Pinch Olympics Champions"
* Ernie Wilfong (rare) - $100
* Quinton James - $45
"Legends of the 1973 Marshmallow Hostage Negotiations"
* Sgt. Ben Venable - $10
"Deadliest Raccoons-Series IV"
* Rodney - $25
All in mint condition
Carlton 555-3444
August 31, 2010
Services
Advice Lady for hire
* You can't take a can opener to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with ketchup
* A highway on-ramp is no place to try and sell your pants
* Don't make a pecan pie out of a molehill
* Make sure the lucky foot is detached from the rabbit before you carry it around in your pocket
* Wearing a ski parka into the shower
Call for prices and availability
Rhonda 555-8767
* You can't take a can opener to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with ketchup
* A highway on-ramp is no place to try and sell your pants
* Don't make a pecan pie out of a molehill
* Make sure the lucky foot is detached from the rabbit before you carry it around in your pocket
* Wearing a ski parka into the shower
Call for prices and availability
Rhonda 555-8767
August 30, 2010
For sale
Music albums on CD
Eggplant Face Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 - Eggplant Face
Take Another Little Piece of My Thumb - Rosa
Runnin' Out On (A Buffet Bill) - The Mossy People
Boysenberries in the Hood Soundtrack - Various artists
$5 each
Hillary 555-3316
Eggplant Face Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 - Eggplant Face
Take Another Little Piece of My Thumb - Rosa
Runnin' Out On (A Buffet Bill) - The Mossy People
Boysenberries in the Hood Soundtrack - Various artists
$5 each
Hillary 555-3316
August 29, 2010
Meetings
La Quaranda Hotel
Early-fall staff meeting
On the agenda:
- The disappearance of Steve the bellhop - Q&A
- Who replaced the 11th floor vending machine with a duck on a leash?
- The bed bugs have bitten: where do we go from here?
September 1, 4:00 p.m.
Early-fall staff meeting
On the agenda:
- The disappearance of Steve the bellhop - Q&A
- Who replaced the 11th floor vending machine with a duck on a leash?
- The bed bugs have bitten: where do we go from here?
September 1, 4:00 p.m.
For sale
Hair
* Gray
* Interesting trades for hats considered
$15 for entire pile or $.50 per hair
Bruce 555-9119
** Ask about our dandruff plan **
* Gray
* Interesting trades for hats considered
$15 for entire pile or $.50 per hair
Bruce 555-9119
** Ask about our dandruff plan **
August 28, 2010
Meetings
The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Emergency meeting
* 1st annual Dance Marathon: what went wrong
* Andrea's new boyfriend, Greg
* The Opossums in Andrea Fleming's Attic: who do these marsupials think they are?
August 29, 8:00 a.m.
Wheat bread cubes: Samantha
Emergency meeting
* 1st annual Dance Marathon: what went wrong
* Andrea's new boyfriend, Greg
* The Opossums in Andrea Fleming's Attic: who do these marsupials think they are?
August 29, 8:00 a.m.
Wheat bread cubes: Samantha
August 27, 2010
August 26, 2010
For sale
Directions for sale
- Your house to my mini van
- Derrick's grandmother's house to the adult video store
- My mini van to Janet's apartment
- Laundromat to Derrick's grandmother's house
- Stacy's apartment to the defensive driving building
* All directions come on yellow, lined paper *
$10 each
Mike 555-6614
- Your house to my mini van
- Derrick's grandmother's house to the adult video store
- My mini van to Janet's apartment
- Laundromat to Derrick's grandmother's house
- Stacy's apartment to the defensive driving building
* All directions come on yellow, lined paper *
$10 each
Mike 555-6614
For sale
1/3 bologna sandwich
* Piece of lettuce brought over from other sandwich
* Bologna Bob play set free with purchase
* Mustache hair (1) sold separately
$6
Beth 555-7007
* Piece of lettuce brought over from other sandwich
* Bologna Bob play set free with purchase
* Mustache hair (1) sold separately
$6
Beth 555-7007
August 25, 2010
Meetings
Fast Stop Convenience Store
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please stop accepting mailbox flags as currency
* Ice cream sandwich fights vs. the customers, strategy session IV: defense
* We do not have a give a penny take a loaf of bread tray
August 27, 1:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please stop accepting mailbox flags as currency
* Ice cream sandwich fights vs. the customers, strategy session IV: defense
* We do not have a give a penny take a loaf of bread tray
August 27, 1:00 p.m.
August 24, 2010
For sale
Used books
Championship Prison Racquetball Teams - Ivan Blayshore
Sneezes of Summer - Ryan Conway
History of Pinecone Wars (1939-1959) - Editor: Charlie Freedman
$6 each
Mallory 555-2101
Championship Prison Racquetball Teams - Ivan Blayshore
Sneezes of Summer - Ryan Conway
History of Pinecone Wars (1939-1959) - Editor: Charlie Freedman
$6 each
Mallory 555-2101
Personal ads
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
I have my ex-girlfriend's name tattooed on my right forearm. Her name is Bobbie. Looking for a woman named Bobbie or Bonnie.
Trent box 20020
Voted "Best Dressed" in Middale High School yearbook-June, 1991. I like to be dominated (in board games).
Mitch box 53802
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I would really like to meet a man from Arkansas.
Connie box 79974
Let's get together and start a family (of armadillos).
Mary box 37665
I have my ex-girlfriend's name tattooed on my right forearm. Her name is Bobbie. Looking for a woman named Bobbie or Bonnie.
Trent box 20020
Voted "Best Dressed" in Middale High School yearbook-June, 1991. I like to be dominated (in board games).
Mitch box 53802
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I would really like to meet a man from Arkansas.
Connie box 79974
Let's get together and start a family (of armadillos).
Mary box 37665
August 23, 2010
For rent
Apartment for rent
1 BR
0 BATH
1 Mildew Man Halloween costume (1960s version w/out Provolone helmet)
* Spiders/webs free with rental agreement
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show Plunger Wars
$130/month
Tony 555-0100
1 BR
0 BATH
1 Mildew Man Halloween costume (1960s version w/out Provolone helmet)
* Spiders/webs free with rental agreement
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show Plunger Wars
$130/month
Tony 555-0100
For sale
Dog ear collection
- Over 4,000 available
- Perfect for earrings, dog ear fights
$5 each or $18,000 for entire collection
Rondae 555-3491
** Hurry, Danny is interested **
- Over 4,000 available
- Perfect for earrings, dog ear fights
$5 each or $18,000 for entire collection
Rondae 555-3491
** Hurry, Danny is interested **
August 22, 2010
Openings
Mort's Motel
Grand re-opening!
** Now rabbit-free **
- Over 20 cable stations, including: The Mailbox Channel, PinchTV & Silence
- Salsa pool w/deluxe slide
- Complimentary Wheelbarrow Obituaries Weekly with check-in
* Rooms starting at $13.99 *
Mort's - 610 Weddley Circle, Kaynesport
Grand re-opening!
** Now rabbit-free **
- Over 20 cable stations, including: The Mailbox Channel, PinchTV & Silence
- Salsa pool w/deluxe slide
- Complimentary Wheelbarrow Obituaries Weekly with check-in
* Rooms starting at $13.99 *
Mort's - 610 Weddley Circle, Kaynesport
August 21, 2010
For sale
1/2 cupcake
* Received as compensation for lost cashews (August 17)
* Bite taken by Marv Ledford
* Free with purchase: dead ant (James), used napkin
$4
Wally 555-6029
** Interesting trades for cashews considered **
August 20, 2010
For sale
Trumpet
* Used by legendary Bam Baker during 1982 concert at Hamburger Bun Fest
* Horn chewed on by raccoon (May, 1993)
$125
Kurt 555-2341
* Used by legendary Bam Baker during 1982 concert at Hamburger Bun Fest
* Horn chewed on by raccoon (May, 1993)
$125
Kurt 555-2341
August 19, 2010
Services
Save muddy on cabin fare and buy Carl insurance. With owl of a question, it's beanier than any otter's shackle in creeping up on the Joe Zinns.
Shiny Nostril free with raccoon pompom.
Call 555-6886
Shiny Nostril free with raccoon pompom.
Call 555-6886
August 18, 2010
Meetings
Remaining Confident in the Bathroom
Kaynesport Chapter - August meeting
On the agenda:
* You can shave with a toothbrush and brush your teeth with shaving cream, but it's not recommended
* I'm done in the shower, where do I go next?
Plus: Toilet Tutorials with Thomas
- The dangers of the flush-and-flee
- My leg is caught in the toilet: what do I do now?
August 22, 6:00 p.m. at the Aldersons
Kaynesport Chapter - August meeting
On the agenda:
* You can shave with a toothbrush and brush your teeth with shaving cream, but it's not recommended
* I'm done in the shower, where do I go next?
Plus: Toilet Tutorials with Thomas
- The dangers of the flush-and-flee
- My leg is caught in the toilet: what do I do now?
August 22, 6:00 p.m. at the Aldersons
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)